Sunday, January 31, 2010


Saturday FEBRUARY 13, 2010

(Mavric is his own Valentine)


3455 OBRIEN Rd Grand Rapids, MI 49534


A’s / Bs / Women / C Beginners & Kids



All Races $20 - Call for Special Team Discounts!

Bring Chili to Pass: BYOB

CALL: 616-791-1673

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Top Gun Take-off Ride in Rockford

Top Gun Bastards

High Noon for take off time. Sunnday (1/31/10) leaving from the damn in Rockford. 1.5 to 2.0 hours at a moderate pace on the roads.

Top Gun name monikers required!!!

Werdy (still need my Top Gun name) Bastard

Friday, January 29, 2010


Does this look like a $40 million bicycle to you?
(It does to me!)

Despite the cold, cold temperatures (10 degrees F!) we had a great ride last night. ICEMAN, aka CD, Surly, aka Rauol the Cabana Boy, and Patrick D, aka possibly Maverick all made it out for a true Crazy Bastard Ride. The good news was that the dirt road surface was finally rideable and traction was super grippy for a change. The only white knuckles last night were from the extreme cold - which really didn't bother us too much as the there was no wind, and just a little snow falling. Actually it was a beautiful night for a ride. We did around 16 miles, so while we got FLAHUTE points for riding more miles than the temperature, we fell short of DOUBLE-FLAHUTE points. Boo-hoo, ha-ha on that.

Last night it also became clear that we are on track with our conversion to being a TOP GUN CYCLING CLUB, which should be finalized around the year 2022. You'll see in photos from last night's ride that club members are now starting to really take on the identities of their TOP GUN characters.

Take for example this - why you can hardly tell Davison from Kilmer can you?

Will the real ICEMAN please eject?!?!?

In these comparative, side-by-side photos it's really hard to tell who the real ICEMAN is, isn't it? After the ride it was a little easier when CD was undressing by the car to see who the real ICEMAN really was ...

Did someone call for more of my handmade suntan lotion?

New Bastard Patrick D was out for the ride last night, as I said before, and looking ever the part of MAVERICK. Here's a shot of him before he was stricken by frostbite during the last 1/4 mile of the ride, still looking like he's going to have a good time.

Patrick, aka Maverick, when he still had ten toes and ten fingers.

After a few beers at the good old HC (Guiness's actually), we all decided to head home. ICEMAN and MAVERICK when to the men's room before leaving, while I waited at the table, thinking it was going to be a little too crowded in that cozy HC WC for a manly three-some. After five minutes or more of waiting I started to wonder what the hell was going on in there, as neither MAV, or ICE had returned.

Finally, needing a "break" myself I went into the MEN's room to see what was going on. Like I said, we're really getting into this TOP GUN thing, aren't we?

Mav & Iceman (disguised as Tom Skerrit) discuss the merits of studded tires in the Men's Room at the Honey Creek Inn

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I laugh at ice and snow. Hahahahahahaha-ha. Then I fall down in a small heap and weep like a little child. No studded tires? No problemo, mate. Think I'll try the new suction tires. Not only are they grippy-grippy on ice and snow you can climb up the sides of glass buildings. Well maybe not.  So maybe I'll  give it the old Bastard try tonight, unless its too awful-awful.  Anyone else stupid enough? And WWMD?


I clawed my way over to Townsend Park last night while battling a strong westerly wind. My studded tires once again shredded the frozen ground like a John Deere Road Grader on steroids.

As expected, I arrived only to be greeted by the mountain bikers. There where just too many heads to count, some where in the number of eight to ten with even a couple of first timers in their ranks. I was invited to tag along, but I did have to endure a little smack talking. I heard one of them say "maybe the World Famous Crazy Bastards change their start time or location or both, chuckle, chuckle."

Little did they know that we are no longer the Crazy Bastards, but we are now the Top Gun Crazy Bastards and Rauol was home calibrating his joy stick. I was thinking it was going to be predator missiles not predator fish for these boys tonight.

I didn’t want to tip them off and I was wondering WWMD (What Would Maverick Do)? So, I just rode along, dragging them up ever hill and making sure that their tongues were securely frozen to their handle bars by the time we reached ML area. At that point I made my exit with a little chuckle, letting the Wicked Wind of the West and Rauol do the rest.

Hasta la vista boys…

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I don't know if I'm going to make tonight's ride as I'm feeling a little under, well maybe over, the weather, right now. I'm also not sure what the riding conditions will be and if it's safe to venture back out onto the dirt roads. Did the ice vanish? If it didn't, did the new snowfall give it some grip? Are the paved options now too slippery to be safe? So many questions, so few smarts. Just to make sure we cover all the bases I'm sending an envoy from the BOS (Bikes On Snow - check it out) site to lead the way - the way being perhaps down the icy runs at Cannonsburgerly. If I don't see you Bastards tonight, be safe!

Monday, January 25, 2010

A Sign of Things to Come...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off and all gravel roads have been closed to bicycle travel.

Friday, January 22, 2010


In honor of Russ Greenwood's new baby boy, "Maverick," we've decided it appropriate (over more than a few beers at the HC last night) that the Crazy Bastards adopt a new image - Top Gun! Yep, we're going to remake the entire club/ gang, as a Top Gun outfit.

 Everyone will take on one of the Top Gun identities. The choice will be yours. The only two that have been taken so far: ICEMAN, by CD since he already has a hat that says "ICEMAN" on it plus he looks a lot like a young Val Kilmer, and SLIDER which will be given to Mr. Kim Lee since he has more time sliding across the ice than anyone else this year. 

CD tells me that I can keep my current name as he believes one of the MIG Jockey's was called SURLY. I'll check this out. If there isn't a guy name SURLY in one of the exploding enemy jets, I'll go for RAUOL, which was the name of the Cabana Boy who passed out the sun tan lotion at the volleyball game. Here is a list of the names, and a test that will assist you in making your choice.
















Now here’s your TOP GUN CRAZY BASTARD test:

Are you arrogant?

Very much




Are you someone’s wingman?



Not sure


Are you a stud with the ladies?





Are you black?



Not sure


What’s your favorite drink?





Are you married?

Yes with kids




Do you consider yourself to be the best?


Think so



What do you want to be when you graduate from Top Gun?

Top Gun Instructor

Continue to serve your country in the navy

Don’t know


What sort of aviators do you wear?


Dark lens

Don’t wear them


Do you play volleyball?



What’s that?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Luckily nobody ended up like this last night, though it was on all our minds as we once again rolled out over glare, polished, ice-covered roads. I'm sick of it, really. The temperature was great, which made it all the worse. I think there were five of us, but I can't remember exactly. Maybe I did fall on my head. After a few miles of white-knuckle riding (and whimpering), we opted for the pavement in put in about and hour and a half of riding on the dreaded pavement.

The OTHER RIDE was out last night, too. We let them know it might be be treacherous, and they, like us, made a few alteration in course to by-pass well-known danger spots.

Back at the HC, along with Simple, we again crossed paths with the OTHER RIDE (I wish they'd come up with a name) and got their post ride story, or in this case post-mortem. While nobody in their group ended up in plaster, it seemed there were plenty of falls (3), but thankfully the only fracture was to a rear-derailler hanger. I guess they towed the guy home. I would have like to have seen that, considering you couldn't stay upright on your own.

Anyway, unless it thaws, or snows, we're screwed and we're going to have to ride on the f-ing road. How's that for a ride report?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Frostilicus Ride

Anyone up for riding on Tuesday night? Got the lights charging and the gear all packed up. Will be all set and ready to roll at usual go time. And, in case you young wipper-snappers forgot, leave Jeff Z's new mitts at home. We don't want to get our asses whupped again. Maybe I'll bring some CB back-up just in case some young bucks start talking smack and trying to intimidate us old, frail geezers... now where did I put my training wheels???

Grand Rapids Bicycle Film Fest


Tis the time-oh-year again. If you haven't seen if splattered over ther Facebook yet, the long list of info is below. The short of it is, Wealthy Theatre, February 13th, cycling movie night. It's the same day as the 2nd Versluis snow cross. Do the snow cross in the afternoon, see the movie fest at night.

Later Bastards




We're at it again. This time with the support of:
The Western Chapter of the Michigan Mountain Bike Association
The Rapid Wheelmen
Grand Rapids BMX

We are running both a matinee and an evening show this year. Feel free to attend one or both shows.

Doors open at 2:30. Movies from 3-5pm.Pre-sale tickets are $5. Day of tickets are $7.The matinee is a BMX themed event in the Koning Micro Theatre.

Doors open at 6:30. Movies from 7-10pm.Pre-sale tickets are $13. Day of tickets are $15.The evening show has movies running in both the main theater (Wege Auditorium) and the Koning Micro Theatre. We have a collection of cycling shorts, documentaries, great cinematography, and a couple local production efforts included.

Pre-sale tickets can be purchased in person at Wealthy Theatre or on line at:

Day of tickets are available on site before the show.

Cycling shorts from around the world.

FatBike (Cycling in Anchorage Alaska -

Into the Thunder Dragon (Mountain Unicycling in the Himalayas -

Stompin’ Stu (The Story of Legendary BMX racer Stu Thomsen -

Joe Kid on a Sting Ray (The History of BMX -

Plus we have two local submissions. We're giving a nod to the local efforts on this one.

CASH BAR!!!! Founders IPA on tap.
Pizza by the slice from Brickroad Pizza
200 - 300 of your cycling friends.

Profits go to the benefit of Grand Rapids BMX, Michigan Youth Cycling, The Midwest Mountain Bike Summit, and future GR Bicycle Film Festivals.

Friday, January 15, 2010


Tomorrow's the day boys and girls. BE THERE!

Thursday, January 14, 2010


While temperatures warmed considerably, icy conditions prevailed once again making riding dangerous-to-suicidal, especially for someone of my brittle and advanced years. As a consolation, we (Bats, Simple, Redline, Mike V, CD, Studboy, and myself) all decided to head back early and some of us went on to the Honey Creek for a few beers and some Delicious Baskets of Deep Fried Asian Carp. Yum-mee

While the American Bar Association has erroneously declared (IMHO) that being old and riding a mountain bike is begging for a beating, we soon found that riding any kind of two-wheeled vehicle is like wearing a PUNCH ME sign around your neck. 

We took our usual table and ordered a round of Delicious Fried Asian Carp and beers. Before we could take a sip or crunch a fried fin we were suddenly accosted by a gang, (not a club), of female Cross Country Skiers bent on doing us bodily harm. These "ladies" demanded our table, telling us we were just "stupid bicyclists" and didn’t deserve to live, much less have a six top to ourselves. When we didn't move fast enough the fists began to fly.

Studboy Nightrider was the first to feel the fury of the female skiers, and a solid sock to the jaw had him spitting tartar sauce all over the place.

Ouch! I didn’t even see this sweet, short, left hand coming. No Mas Little Lady! 
CD probably got the worst of it with a right hook that looked like it came from the dark side of the moon. “I drove all the way from Holland to get my ass kicked by a girl? And where’s my damn Fried Asian Carp?” I think he said, blood dripping from his lip.

Flying Bats got suckered punched good and proper by one of the leaders of the gang. While he didn’t seem to enjoy it too damn much, she seemed to think it was as delicious as a full basket of Deep Fried Asian Carp and a Guiness on the side. What a sweetheart!

The only one of our group to escape this savage attack was Mike V. His dashing good looks and suave manner made them spare him. Unfortunately the gang also abducted him and we may never see him alive again.

But oh well, we all shared the basket of Carp he left behind in the parking lot. That heater in the Grandpa Van Rocks!


Could it be the thaw we've been waiting for? Or is it just another ice-making mess? No matter, it looks like warmer temps could be with us tonight - probably the cold weather was frightened by Red's Gladiator Gloves. Looks like some of the South-West Bastards will also be joining us tonight. Should be fun or something like it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


New Crazy Bastard Winter Mitts
by Redline Bastard

While last night's ride was an enjoyable one, I am sad to report there has been some fallout from some comments that may or may not have been said or may have or may have not been overheard by members of the "other" ride that now launches from the same lot, at the same time, riding the same routes, and stopping at the same bar after the ride, as we do.

I received a call from an attorney representing the "other" group ride this morning claiming that a member of our group was "confrontational" and "threatening." I can't tell you how disturbing receiving this news was especially since I had not had my morning coffee and was not in a very good mood to start with. I tried to explain that while there may have been a few jokes made while riding out, they weren't meant to be heard, and there was nothing confrontational, and certainly no threatening gestures made. If anyone was offended by my own, sometimes surly and sarcastic sense of humor, I do apologize, and assure everyone those comments shouldn't be taken seriously.

The attorney pointed out that members of the group were older gentlemen and that it wasn't their fault that they ride mountain bikes. Neither of those points made much sense, but then again, I am not an attorney. The reference to old age did hit however a nerve however. I have just recently turned 58 years of age. As I enter my golden years the prospect of being mugged by some young "thug" on a dark and snowy night, in the middle-of-nowhere, isn't very appealing. Thankfully, I've never seen a young thug on any of these rides, except for the those at the Meth Lab that come out screaming at us.

I plan to contact members of the other group directly, apologize, and assure them that they and the other riders need not fear for their lives or well being. I also plan to tell them that they are not being discriminated against because they are almost as old as I am, or because they ride mountain bikes.

On another note, Redline Bastard has hand-crafted some really sweet winter riding mitts (pictured above) that not only keep your fingers toasty- warm but will probably protect your knuckles should you happen to get into a brawl with other senior citizens.

Monday, January 11, 2010


This year I just can't seem to shake this stinking Abominable Snowman theme. Wonder why. As I prepare for tomorrow and Thursday's frigid and icy experiences, and no I'm not talking about when you were married, crazy ideas for new and strange warming devices, like delivery pizza chest warmers, pouring hot grazy in my boots, and other accoutrements, like studded tires made out of ice-picks and barbed wire, all start coming to mind. It's like this winter riding thing has turned my brain into some kind of weird laboratory run by a mad scientist that looks a lot like Peter Cushing. So if I see Peter Cushing in the parking lot tomorrow night, drinking beer, riding around on a winter Frankenbike made out of parts from a Surly Long Haul Trucker, a Klein MTB and a Cervelo TT Bike, I'll know the end is near. Also rumor has MC Hammer will be in the house Thursday, if by house you mean a dark dirt road covered with ice.

Lake Winter Boots SIZE 46

If anyone is interested I am selling my Lake Winter Boots - $100

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Saturday 1/9/10 Ride Report

Nice sunny day for a 2.5 hr ride of the local gravel roads. About 20 degrees at start. Jim Allan put together a great route and brought the coffee as well. Rob R., Steve B., Kahuna and Jim were great company......Hope the roads treated other CB's well today.

Friday, January 8, 2010


What do you call a ride that is only a third of the time it took to get there? Usually a mountain bike ride, but in this case it was last night's Bastard Ride. For every foot I went forward, I slidsideways two. While Craig (and a sweet new SS Tricross!) CD, Doez, and Jeff Z charged ahead, I turned tail and headed back not too far into the ride. I thought they'd be gone for an epic dash to discover the North Pole but it wasn't long before they were back in the lot and drinking Craig's beers. After that it was off to the HC for beers and some kind of strange fried fish. Here are a few photos to give you a taste of what it's like when crazy turns stupid.

Here's Craig (above) getting ready to take his new ride out into the cold and snowy night.

Hard man Jeff Z put in the most miles in truly tough riding conditions. He rode from home and then back again. This is what he looked like up ahead of me all night. Okay for about 30 or 40 minutes before I chickened out and headed back to the car like Mr. Grumpy.


Every wonder what goes on inside the HUP United van on a cold and snowy night? Strange things folks, strange things. This looks like the traditional one-legged kilt dance the Hupsters always perform before their rides. It's quite rare to actually see this. Consider yourself lucky. I guess.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Any one riding tonight?

Curious if anyone is riding tonight...?
If so, what where the conditions last Tuesday????
traction or icy? Have my single speed built up, & looking to ride, but might have to switch some tires over...
currently has a small block 8 on the back...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tuesday Ride Report Continued.....

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to show my face again, very sad indeed. They actually move their start time up to 6:30 pm, just so they could kick snow in our faces. What could we do, we were out numbered 2:1?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

An Evening both Sad and Superb

Four Bastards showed up to ride tonight: Kim, Tony, Jeff Z, and me, along with a bunch of mountain bikers. Here comes the sad part: there were more mountain bikers than bastards! We started together (here comes the sadder part) until we got dropped by the MBers! WTH! We chased them up Tiffany to 7-mile where we lost 'em (or they lost us). Which was OK, because that's where the evening turned superb. We took 7-mile out to Ashley then Jeff suggest we continue on out to Montcalm. Wise choice as the road was beautiful and the traffic nil. We headed south on Montcalm to 4-mile and then turned west to come home. Finished the ride with just over 25 miles.

Tuesday, 1/5

Any bastards riding tonight? Haven't yet decided if I'll be venturing out....

Monday, January 4, 2010

Baby Bastard Sighting!

It 's true! I saw Baby Bastard Patrick w/ mine own eyes - here in the shop last week.

Yea Verily, 'tis the truth.

He looked like the Patrick of old - no outwardly visible signs of SoCal deterioration, although he sort of implied that he wasn't ridin' much. He did spew some nonsense about "no 'cross scene in SoCal" (but why wouldja live there then, huh?) but said that he was tryin' to get out a bit now and then.

Lotsa blather about a wedding next summer - sounds like it's gonna happen in Grand Haven.

Thought a few of you Olde Skool Bastards might wanna know - prollly a buncha you goin' "whointhehell is that?"

Oh well.

See you Bastards on the 14th, ie the "return of MC"