Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Werdy One has come up with the great idea of having an out-of-season-ride, or closed-season ride tomorrow night. So if you see signs like these:

Pay no fucking attention to them. The ride is on.

The same idiocy that is the mark of every Bastard ride kicks off from the place at the same place, in Townsend Park. However, to make it slightly confusing roll time has been moved back to 6:30, instead of 6, since we've changed time zones.

This is the time zone we're living in now, I guess. Thanks Werdy, we're enjoying the new time and place.

Here's the official word from Werdy, who's in charge of this total disastor:

I'm planning on dirt roads Thursday night out at Townsend.  Wheels roll at 6:30.  Roll your own pace but plan to re-group at stop signs to keep it together.  Roughly 30 to 35 miles depending on what the group feels like.

Jeff F.

Jeff F appears to be another name he uses, but I'm not sure who this guy is. Anyway, I'm planning on joining in on the fun - that is if I don't die from grabbing valuable rain points tonight at Grattan.

Should I live through tonight, and make it to tomorrow's Bastard Ride I planning on going to the HC,  and drinking some of these later:

See you Bastards tomorrow (Thursday Night - June 16).

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Yeah, the only One on the Planet. And for good reason. They taste like crap.

Are Moon Pies performance enhancing drugs for cyclists? Sounds like email spam bullshit doesn't it? Yet could it be that Moon Pies are really performance enhancers? Just last week, at Grattan of all places, I saw some high-performance racers, who either knew something I didn't, or should have known better, gobbling Moon Pies. If you don't believe me, well, here's some proof.

Who could be eating those Moon Pies right after a hot race?

Maybe this Crazy Bastard. Yeah, kids it's Slayer. Make sure your doors are locked.

These people are discerning gourmets.Yeah they know good food. And they know how to make those bicycles go fast too. What would they think about Moon Pies?

To see if the Moon Pie Performance theory (I forget what that theory is right now) had any validity at all I had some people, people who know something about food and cycling performance, try Moon Pies. I  recorded their reactions in a very unscientific manner. 

Sure enough, just the mention of a Moon Pie made them look like this.

So then I tried Moon Pies out on a not-so-discerning subject. Yeah, this Bitch will eat anything. My dog is part goat. But she can mountain bike like a monster.

So Betty, what did you think of the Moon Pie?

This is my dog vomiting all over the Grandpa Van. Disgusting. And disturbing. Thanks Betty! Thanks Moon Pie!

Just to be sure about Moon Pies, I thought,  like Dr. Jekyl before he turned into Mr. Hyde, that I better try one out on myself. Just one bite was all it would take ...

Just what I thought: It taste like spun fiberglass wrapped with dried tar with just a hint of dog-shit.

As soon as I quit puking I'm going to pin a number on and head out to Grattan. See you Bastards there.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


So now you tell me Ice Cream isn't a performance enhancer. Thanks for nothing Lance!

While I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Frankenmuth this past weekend, and commend the organizers on a job well done, my own race report falls in the "epic fail" category. Fried chicken and ice cream (see above - hey it comes with the family style meal that I the night before okay), just didn't cut it as race fuel. But it was pretty tasty. Yum-yum.

Here's my team. Yeah go team! All I want to know is where were you when I was getting my ass popped off the back?

I thought beer had carbs in it. Wrong again, apparently Dr. Ferrari. Well those few fine brews I slammed back the night before never made it down to my legs. But at least I had plenty to think about as I was getting my pathetic ass blown off the back.

My race shorts (modeled above by Fritz) also didn't help the "cycling" situation.

In the spirit of the Tour de Frankenmuth I also opted for traditional Lederhosen instead of my normal race kit. You'd think that it would be uncomfortable, but by using all that left-over mashed potatoes from my "all you can-eat-family-style-chicken-dinner-at-Zenders" from the night before, I was quite comfortable. Not very fast, but comfortable. I just hope that was gravy running down my leg ...

Leather shorts full of mashed potatoes. Yeah this was my race face.

Well racing wasn't the only thing going on in town last weekend. Frankenmuth was hoppin' with action, dog shows, flower shows ...

Yappy shit-dogs like this were everywhere. Disgusting little animals. But cute. In a disgusting way.


This is a pygmy goat. Like you couldn't get a dog this small?

There were even humans pretending to be animals. I missed the Chicken, but you can bet there was a human chicken.

But back to the racing. While my pathetic effort surely sucked, others put out some performance they should be proud of. I met and interviewed the gentleman below who won the Cat 6 Men over 55. I caught up with him just after he removed the aerodynamic wheel cover (disc wheel) from his big wheel. He told me that the massive cover acted like a sail and pulled him away from the pack, and onto victory.

Butch and his 19th Century Penny Farthing. Beautiful bike. With a disc wheel up front he is virtually unbeatable in the Cat 6 Men's 55+

Butch was pretty proud of his ride. How much carbon do you think he was rockin,"

A better view of the winner bike and rider. Oh how I wish I was Butch!

While Butch may have made meat out of the old geezers in his race, I wonder if he could do this ... maybe he could. Who knows what you could do with a big wheel like that!