PRACTICE OR RIDE TONIGHT?

I can't decide if we should have a practice tonight, or a dirt ride out of Townsend @6. Anybody have a preference? I know some people, like Big Mac are planning their entire lives around Crazy Bastard activities, which is kind of scary. I believe there's a medication you can take for that Mac. So let me know. We could take barriers out to Townsend and do a little of both tonight. Vote in the comments column below.

Following is a photo gallery of why you need to practicing get on and off your bike. (As if you can't remember!) This is me in action, and by action I mean this is real time video of me going over barriers and up stairs. Yeah, I'm moving so slow you can't even see me move. Pathetic. 

(Barriers - now which foot goes first?)

 (Logs. Who the f*&@ put these things here?)

 (Hell I'll just get back on - wait what's that up ahead?)

 (Stairs? What up here? Goes that's a nice drop-off.)

(Now here's a real reason to get off your bike and run. The Ethiopian Bastard showing us how to chug through the goo. That suit used to be white - Hup Blanco I believe.)

THIS IS THE END

(In case you were wondering what gravel vs. pavement looked like.)

Only on the East Side of the State do they have so wonderfully visual signage. Could that be because they can't read? I came across this beauty while keeping up on my gravel road riding - also the only place that it's safe to ride a bicycle at all.

I thought that the sign was significantly symbolic of the ending of the road season, and the beginning of the cyclocross season. To that "End" (excuse the pun) I also thought I would try to find a video that depicted the end of the road season and the beginning of the cyclocross season.

Think there isn't one? Think again Bastards. Here it is. And no, it's not another Big Mac production, though I wish it were.

Here is it is: THE END

In this video you'll see how somebody has actually Napalmed the shit out of the road season to bring it to a close. Then you'll see Martin Sheen, father of "Mr. Winning" laying in bed, sweating out the beginning of the 'cross season. You'll see, but the look on his face, he is lying there probably thinking about gluing new tubulars, and about building up an all carbon Ridley. It's all there. No open a Leffe, sit back and enjoy. The 'cross season is about to begin.

THE FAST BUT NOT SO FURIOUS THURSDAY NIGHT RIDE REPORT

 (Can you spot the really fast guy that pulled us at outlandish (for dirt roads) speeds last night?)

Great night for a ride last night - it cooled off a little bit, no traffic, and a good bunch of Bastards, made it a nice one. Sorry the Werdy couldn't make it as he was stuck in a car on his way back from some foreign country called "Indiana." Guess that's where Indians are from. Anyway he was stuck in a car, or being frisked for something at the border crosser or something. We missed you Werdy!

(New guy - well he's been out before, but he's new to me - Brian, on the right, holding up my bike (#4) using his water bottle as a holding device - like what do you think is on that seat Brian? Also on the ride last night - Big Mac and Slayer. In their own private Idaho, but in the photo are Amy Haney and sister Connie. This is one of the few photos where Connie is paying attention. CONNIE!)

While there may have been only four of us (if you're looking at the photo you are thinking I can't count, right) it was a brisk little ride and had us rocking right along, thanks to this guy:

(Our version of Jens V. Only on gravel. Only in Michigan. Only in our nightmares: Slayer!)

Jeff Haney hauled our lame asses around like we were hooked to a turbo prop. In deep gravel I looked down and saw 28 on the clock (whoowhooo). On a little pavement I was looking at 32 (whooooowhoooo!). On fat tires, cross bikes and 46 x 12 gear, that's just wrong. But it was nice getting a little motorpacing in, without that nasty motorcycle exhaust. Thanks Slayer!

(This little fucker got his last night!)

While speeds at time were high, it wasn't a take-no-prisoners ride. We stuck together, rolled and bullshitted each other when the mood hit - and then cranked some intervals when we felt like it. Probably the only one that didn't care for the ride is pictured above. Yeah, you know him as the Killer Chihuahua of 13 Mile. He chased Slayer for about a mile and then suddenly blew up, untouched, yipping his sorry ass home.  While we hate him, we hope he didn't seriously injure himself. I want the pleasure of running over him myself.

(Where's Waldo? He's in here. Fat, old, and geezerly. Yeah it the 2011 me.)

Slayer wanted a photo of me (target practice) so here it is. He took a close- but it came out as 'REJECTED' - no kidding!

(In this shot you'll notice that Connie is not paying attention and that I'm falling asleep.)

Anywhoooooooooowhooooo! That was some fast, fun riding. Also: Be cautious when tearing down hills to the North - a few of the roads have some really deep sand and gravel on them right now.

Have a good weekend all you Bastards!

THURSDAY NIGHT BASTARD RIDE! BE THERE AND BE THE PERSON YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!

(Ready for tonight's ride? Maybe not. It's getting cooler. Better wear the sleeveless jersey.)

The 'cross bikes are in full roll mode now as the road season is quickly falls away. Well from my perspective the road season has been falling somewhat all year long, but that's another story. I'm planning on riding tonight, at the usual (Townsend Park) launch location, at 6:00 p.m. (that's roll-out time kids). While there's no way I can duplicate the look of Ms. Slow Speed Sprint Lead-Out 2011, pictured above, I can't quite decide which persona I want for this year's cyclocross season. Maybe you can give me a hand in selecting the new "CROSS ME" for 2011.

Here are the choices:

(HippieMe)

Hey I may be way off the back, but I don't give-a-shit-okay? In fact winning is for losers. Or whatever dude. Say are my tires flat? They feel like it. Do you need to put air them? Really. Wow.

(All Business Me)

I've got a portfolio full of 'cross whup-ass in my saddle bags and I'm on your wheel, sucking away 20% of your energy and investment in getting to the finish line first. Just before the closing bell I'm coming around, in hostile takeover-style, and swooping in to gobble up all of yours and everyone else's race profits, jump on my private jet, and flying to my own private island which I'm calling: I JUST KICKED YOUR ASSILAND.

(Retro Me)

Maybe I should just embrace the old me. I mean the old me. I could get a bike that creaks as much as my joints do. From up here I could be "Surly-as-hell" and just bitch everyone out from above. It would like the voice of God. If God were a jerk. The only problem I can see is getting up on this f*&cking piece of sh*t.

(Competitive Ice Cream Me)

Finally I think this is it. I can be competitive, yet still stop whenever I want for a super-ass-fattening Klondike Bar. My new race motto:

"What do you get with a Klondike Bar?"

"Your fat-ass dropped, that's what you get."

Hope to see you Bastards out there tonight for a nice, comfortable, friendly and safe ride.

FIRST CYCLOCROSS PRACTICE: ONE BIG SLICE OF AWESOME

Last night was the first cyclocross practice of the season and I'm happy to say it turned out to be one great big piece of awesomeness. We had 7 or 8 Bastards (mostly Bastardettes) out for some practice over the barriers, and through the woods. Jeff aka Werdy and daughter Lydia were our course designers. Everybody loved the course, fast, furious and fun! Thanks guys. Also cross crazy Kim Thomas, Fusion Team leader Terry (he's the next cross nut), Heather, Killer Kubiak, Cupcake, Sarah and Big Mac, and myself.

 (Special thanks to the Festians for putting together a rocking practice course.)

(The 'cross star of the future: Lydia Festian. Strangely she wasn't very werdy. She just worked at putting together a sweet course. Well done Lydia!)

It seems women are all over 'cross this year - by the looks of last night's showing - and are working on their 'cross skills early to get a jump on the pack. Women who might think they'd like to try cross should consider this their year. I'm guessing their will be big fields in all of the women's categories this year.

 (Sarah McIntyre out on her new whip get her 'cross on early.)

Speaking of women, Sarah Mac was out on her new cross bike taking on the barriers, and switching her skill sets from the triathlon ranks, to the 'cross world. Nice riding and hopping last night Sarah.

(Sarah brought her husband, Big Mac - those would be Sarah's tubulars on his bike.)

Big Mac was also on hand "walking" over the barriers. Check back here over the next week about next week's practice - we may have a special road trip in store. Stay tuned!

(Check out this clinic as well as the entire Tailwind series.)

Check this flyer out - it's the upcoming Tailwind Clinic and Practice Race. I've done a couple of these and have learned something new each time. Anne Swartz and Mike Wissnick, and some other elite racers, conduct the clinic and I can tell you they know their stuff. If you want to get an edge this year, this is something that's worth the trip. Waterford isn't that far. I'll post something before this happens and maybe we can get together to take a few people over. There were plenty of Bastards there last year - just ask them if it was worth it.

CROSS PRACTICE TUESDAY

(How about this for practice? Bring your mechanic and a few extra bikes so you can practice bike hand-offs along with dismounts. Oh yeah, and about a mile of running too.)

For those of you that want to start brushing up their 'cross skillz early this year, we're planning on a little practice and clinic,  just like last year, at the usual spot RSP location, though I would like ride from the back (North) parking lot in RSP to some nearby destinations, with some additional, and more challenging features. I think 5:30 would be a decent start time, but come whenever you can, we'll be practicing for sometime (which means until we're tired and need beer.)

The first practice session should be a congenial affair. My suggestion is to go through the basics of the mount and dismount.

Also after practicing some mounting and dismounting we'll also be practicing setting up the barriers after we knock them to pieces.

The idea of all this is to perfect - or at least start on the road to perfection - of mounting and dismounting, so you'll look more like this ...



And not like this ...



Or this, from a not to-long-ago Tailwind race ...



And if you wondering if we were going to practice "bunny-hopping" barriers. The answer is an emphatic "NO" for the reason seen below.

THURSDAY RIDE - SAME BASTARD PLACE SAME BASTARD TIME

(I'm waiting for you Crazy Bastards! See you tomorrow ... grrrrrrr!)

Sorry I'm behind on post, but I'm catching my wind before the pre-pre-pre-cross season really gets underway. For starters I'm thinking that I'm going to hit the dirt roads tomorrow for a little Bastard riding, rolling at 6, out of Townsend. I'm planning on heading north, where our dear little friend, pictured above, will be waiting. For those of you who were there before recall that he was "like on crack" or something and came at us full bore. Well, we'll see.

CROSS PRACTICE TUESDAY!

We've been getting requests to get the cross practicing stuff going, so it looks like we'll be doing a little on-and-off-on-and-off practice next Tuesday.

Here's some training we won't be doing: Bunny Hopping. Though I do like the Dork-Barriers this proper  Englishman has made, it's just not going to happen although I do like the idea of putting hinges on the barriers. That solves all sorts of problems. Like dismounting and remounting. Check this one out:



For the first practice I've taken the liberty of robbing the Crazy Bastard Treasury (didn't know there was one? Well there isn't now! Well now we've got to raise the Bastard Debt Ceiling) and hired the World Famous Heidi of the Barriers to lead us through our first work-outs of the season. Here's just a taste of what Heidi has to offer. The girl has some mad cross skilz, ladies and gentlemen.



So get out the bikes, dust off last year's Versluis Mud, and lets get rolling. See you tomorrow, or maybe Tuesday.