CROSS RACING GOES GONG SHOW: A FAST AND FURIOUS REVIEW

"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Bell Lap at Chicago Jackson Park is serious business - don't mess with it, or him, or you will be relegated permanently to hell, okay?

Riding around the course at the Lansing CX Festival (notice I didn't say racing) this past Saturday a heckler dropped  a good one on me ...

"Hey, why the fuck don't you update your goddamn blog, asshole?"

Point well taken, sir. Well, I have been pretty busy, yelling and swearing at fellow bikers, maintaining a poor diet and trashing my training program on a daily basis (training with power are you kidding?), and oh yeah working and the having my brain turned to snot in Genesee County, but I guess that's no excuse, so it's time to get down to it, push on the pedals, or the keyboard in this case and rumble through as many races I can in one lame blog. Here's what I know since the last blog report since Waterford ...

CHICAGO CROSS CUP #1 JACKSON PARK

Racers, tape, and turns as far as the eye can see.

I've been doing this race for a lot of years. A lot. When I started there was one piece of tape and some Styrofoam cups making the course. Now it's a packed affair. Unfortunately, this year, the course and all the people (600-700 racers!) were packed into a small sliver of grass. Adam counted 80-turns per lap - every race was at the limit with a 100-riders, so it was a dizzy ride, to say the least. Amazing I only dropped one F-bomb on a guy who squeezed past on the outside, smacking my bars (that was okay, not a word) but then when I held on and rode him into the tape exiting the turn he wanted me to "hold my line," (Hahahahaha!) I let it go ...

If you think a Crazy Bastard pit looks overloaded with Cross-Crap™, you ain't seen nothing until you've been to a Chicago Cross Cup. There is more ...

....Cross-Crap™, bags, clothes, and junk ...

... and bikes (everybody brings 6-bikes to the race, than you've ever seen before.

Sarah McIntyre was a on wait list to get into the Cat 3/4 Women which had been closed for weeks. Lucky her, she got to start in the Cross-Mosh-Pit™.

Nancy Lange was in it to git' it. In 80-turns, in 4 or 5 laps, Nancy had a few miscues and crashed 3-times. If you consider she had to negotiate around 400-turns in her race, that's not too bad. And she wasn't the only one ... plenty hit the deck.

Good crowds on hand. Ever see this many fans on the hand at the end of the Cat 3/4 women's race in Michigan? Come on ... we can do it!

Want to see what the race was like? Here's a video from father back in the field of Adam's Cat 3 Race. 100 riders, 80-turns a laps - yikes. Adam had a mechanical and two bike changes and still managed 5th place. 

TAILWIND RAIDING #4 LOWER HURON

The Bell at Lower Huron has some issues with the Leopard Girl. Hmmm, wonder what it all means?

Tailwind's Lower Huron is one of my all-time favorite courses and races - anywhere. Last year after a night-long downpour, the course was surprisingly dry. This year ran during the day added a slick coating of mud that saw a lot of spills - and brought the mudders to the front.

Me jumping for joy that my leg grew back. Still didn't make much difference in my performance though. I still suck.

Somebody who doesn't suck, at least on a cross bike - is Chunky Dunker (aka John Osgood). Here the Chunky One kills it up Lower Huron's slippery back hill. Man did the Dunker ride his heart out, taking chances at every slippery turn and chasing down the Elites just ahead of him. Well done, Dunker!

Leopard Girl and her Bionic leg made a comeback in the Women's 3/4 and took the win. Is the the Leopard skin (real)? The Bionic leg (not real)? Or the awesome pigtails that makes her 'cross so awesome?

Here's another look at that hill. Yeah that last lip is a killer.

Almost there, guys. Hup, hup, hup.

Somebody who made that hill look easy was the Pony (aka Jeff Weinert). The Pony rode off the front of the Elite race and never looked back. Yes, when conditions get challenging the Pony can ride it. You'll notice there's no sign of the competition.

The CBX Team area. How much stuff you do you need to race cross? This much? Time for an intervention.

Leopard Girl Wins, Sarah McIntyre Second, Pam Bufe 4th. Nice race ladies, and almost perfect Podium form ...

The Men's Elite Podium. The Pony top step, Aaron Beebe 2nd, Parmachicken 3rd, Adam Big Mac McIntyre 4th. Two BISSELL's on the Podium, and only one Podium form fail ...

LANSING CX FESTIVAL

The "Hill"was the main attraction coming after a nice starting chute made the selection early.

This is the first Lansing CX race, or rather festival at this location, under a new promotion and management team. I think they should let every one now about the changes they've made. While it's on a golf course, like the old Lansing venue, it's far hillier and just a far better laid-out course. It was a lot of fun and the atmosphere was laid-back and fun - still with a lot of really competitive racing. They also had Port-Johns, so there's that, too ...

Scott Kroske was so awesome he would race ahead of everyone, jump off his bike and snap photos. Absolutely amazing!

A future Cyclocross tar from West Michigan is Claire Reeves. Here Claire is trying out a new cross bike. Claire took second in her race and then motored up north to win the next day in Traverse City.

Kelly Patterson trying to look cool while working something out after a win at the Lansing CX Festival and getting ready to try her hand at the Single Speed race later. Where's Queen Ann? If you didn't hear she reopened her knee at Lower Huron - hopes she's back soon.

You've been Gonged. One to Gong-go.

Here's something neat from Lansing CX Festival - the Gong! A nice idea, but while I had a little better ride than usual, after a crash, and a heat stroke (it was 81˚!) slipping a few positions and dropping off the back, it felt more like I was in the Gong Show, not a cross race. Good officiating and a well run race. "Give him the Gong, Chuck, he sucks!"

The Whiz is back! Great to see him chasing down the leaders.

If you get a chance to try one of Lansing CX races, at the new Waverly course, give it a try. You'll like it, hill, Gong and all.

KISSCROSS CASCADE PARK

KissCross Spectators at the top of the Pinwheel of death hill. Nobody died up there, but some chains got dropped and some beer got drunk, that's for sure.

I've hit the Cascade race two years in a row and while the course has been altered a little it's essentially the same ground and makes for a pretty good course with off-camber, a little sand, and some pavement here and there. It looked like a lot of people were there. The pin-wheel of death on the top of a little hill, right after the start, backed up traffic, and then spread the race out and it wasn't soon before the course was covered with racers. The only downside - spectators were wandering and riding across the course, and some creative sand castle work in the sand pit cause a few, but not serious, wrecks.

Adam and the Geeze coming up the sidewalk. Who are they chasing?

Probably Aaron Beebe, coming across the start finish line. 

KissCross Cascade Park Spectators. One seems interested in the action, the other could care less who won. It was a beautiful day to watch bike dorks jumping over things and crashing in the sand.

Speaking of crashing in the sand, from reports I've received this is exactly what Slayer's crash looked like in the sand when he hit a ramp built by some kids, after the A's pre-ride. Just insert Jeff's Okay, where you hear Joey. Glad to hear he's okay. See you all at Mad Anthony this weekend.

Vomit Colored Kits, The Many Faces of Kelly Patterson, and Dave Massey Gives Himself A Selfie

I'm way behind on posts - just getting to Waterford Day Two, before moving on to Chicago. From what I hear, though, I will probably drown at Lower Huron tomorrow, so this could be it. Good luck! Bring your floaty! 

VOMIT COLORED KIT PARADE AT WATERFORD

Yeah there's some color-cordination malpractice going on here. Mix in the Tron-style paint job on the bike and you've got a bile-o-thon combo on wheels. Nice job Mike Seaman! In the Vomit-Colored Kit Kategory, you are number one in our twisted coloring book.

Number two, in the Waterford Day-2 Puke colored kits kolumn was Adam McIntrye. Pink goes with ... well, pink and that's about it,big boy.

THE MANY FACES OF KELLY PATTERSON

While some people have split or multiple personalities, like several members of my family, Kelly Patterson has many faces. All of them crazy if you ask me. While I tried to ask her a few simple questions about her win on Day-2, she just made fun of me by making goofy faces. I've tried to interpret the meaning of theses faces. Let me know if I'm close.

"Yes I'm happy with my win today. I'll bet you wish you were me. Want me to tell you about my awesome sponsors?"

"I was just thinking of a heckle that would be awesome for you. If I ever saw you race. Of course never get up that early in the morning."

"Ooooooooh really? So a Nigerian Prince is holding my winnings from today? Can I borrow your Smart Phone and call him?"

IN OTHER NEWS DAVE MASSEY GIVE HIMSELF A SELFIE PODIUM INTERVIEW

Dave Massey on the podium of the Cat-3 45+ Race. He was one of the first racers he interviewed. The following is a transcript of that interview.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So, how was your race, Dave? You looked awesome out there today.

DAVE RACER: Awesome? Did you even watch what I did out there? Or were you too busy twerkin' your Mr. Microphone to take notes? I was F#$%in' super-ass wicked, my man, and by my man I mean me.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: That's great Dave, but watch the language huh, there are a lot of kids out here today ...

DAVE RACER: Better they hear it from somebody kick-ass like me instead of that guy that's been lurkin' around the van all day in the smelly skinsuit ... it's time to grow up, glue on the tubulars and get to work boys and girls. Awesomeness waits for no man ...

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So back to the race, when did you make your move? When did you decide it was 'GO-TIME'?

DAVE RACER: It was GO-TIME from the gun, good-lookin. Those guys took one look at my rig with the twin-towers of hydraulic hood awesomeness sitting on my bars, got a load of my groovin' retro side-burns and they were peein' in their bibs before we twisted a crank arm in anger. It was over before it started.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Nice. Well, great race Dave. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for your time.

DAVE RACER: Think nothing of it. My time is your time. I mean literally, my time is your time.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Sure thing. See you later, Dave.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Like lookin' in the mirror handsome, like lookin' in the mirror ....

Waterford Day 1: Find What You Love and Let it Kill You

"Find what you love and let it kill you."

The above is a great Charles Bukowski quote, which I think I have actually heard Osgood, aka Chunky Dunker, use as a race heckle. Or maybe not. More like ... "find what you love and let it drive insane Chunky..." like cross. By the way, if you weren't there today you should know that Osgood is taking over the roll of Bob Wydra, racing in something like 13-races a day.

First race of the year to fly the Bastard flag. It was a tough day, but nice to be back in the saddle again. Oh yeah, I sucked.

In terms of weather Waterford Day 1 offered everything rain to shine ... but it was all pretty warm ... but not too warm. Great day for cylocross, with a sweet course that was just right ... plus the rain softened up what is sometimes bumpy ground. Very nice. Plus they didn't put in those stupid, goddamn yellow 2x4 pieces of shit. Thanks you Mr. Course Designer. Job well done.

New for 2013 are these Official Tailwind Leopard Pants™. Yeah, that Ms. Tailwind herself rocking those "bad boys."

Lot of spectators, junk, tents and kids running all over the place. It's starting to look like a Chicago Cross Cup race. Who does that leg belong too?

This was at the end of the day - racing over. Another nice big course that was filled with racers all day long.

Great racing, with lots of action everywhere you turned.

In the Elite Race Das German aka Sven Bauman, followed closely by the Bunny aka Adam York, showed why these guys are the best cyclocross racers you'll see anywhere - and in Michigan - no question about it.

Big Mac grinding up the hill with the Librarian in tow. "Hey you, come back! Those Sven Nys videos checked out are well overdue! And heroic effort by the way. Well done"

 Westside heroes Big Mac aka Adam McIntyre and Shawn Davison made the Day one  Waterford Elite Race. Nice job by both. Adam worked hard and pushed into the top ten. Both of them will be back tomorrow (Sunday) for another throw down.

Adam looking tough - and not just from wicked facial hair sculpting.

There were a lot of kids and kid racing at Waterford, which was great to see.

 Above, John Osgood is offering tactical advice to his daughter Makeena Osgood on her very first cross race. I wonder if he gave her the same advice he gives everybody else: "Now honey if you're NOT tasting blood in the back of your throat, you're not going hard enough. Now go out there and have fun sweetie."

This young ten year old chewed up a lot of grown men. Future 'cross star here. Nice job young man!

Matt Baroli takes the kids for a warm-up lap.

Hats off to Matt Baroli and his Wolverines for all the work they are doing with the next generation of young racers. It's good to see that somebody is thinking ahead in Michigan. Great bunch of young racers, Matt. 

Makeena Osgood crosses the line, finishing her first cross race in style. 

The Osgoods, Dad and daughter at the end of a beautiful day of cyclocross racing. "Now tell the old geezer with the camera to get lost,  honey. He's smelly."

Before the beginning of the last race of the day the ladies, were, uh, like ladies. Well Maybe.

Yeah they were ladies until  the whistle for the start of the women's Cat-3/4. Sarah McIntyre listens while Anne Grovert tells  Pam Bufo how she's going to hurt her, and hurt her bad. And she did, Anne wasn't wasn't lying. Those girls are just so funny, aren't they?

Sarah McIntyre hammers up the hill, in true McIntyre style.

When it was all over they were friends again. Really you thinks so? Sarah and Pam put their best smiley-I-don't-hate-your-guts faces on for their adoring public.

A pretty podium to finish the day

Women's Cat 3/4 podium: Anne Grovert with the win, Sarah McIntyre second, Pam Bufo, third. Now it's on to Sunday's races ...

 

And one last gulp to refuel for tomorrow. 

SUMMER GRAVEL RIDES INTO THE SUNSET

The sunsets on summer riding.

CBX gravel riding literally rode its ass into the summer sunset last night. This was the last night for "no-lights" riding. And within the last mile from the parking lot, fall set in.

Shortcut group.

Last night's ride split into two groups halfway through the ride. One that wanted to go longer, and one that wanted to get back for a beer - although the excuse was they were racing this weekend. Pace was great, and actually fairly moderate considering that  we were loaded with strong guys. The group include Mike K, Dave Stebbens, Tony H, Andy from Fusion, Scott Chapin, Doez, Chris D, Cupcake, Craig Rawlings, Don G ... geez, who did I forget? I'll find out later no doubt ...

The call of the Gravel came earlier than ever this year.

As noted, the CBX rides started earlier than ever this year. Almost all of August ... here's a typical group bullshitting and lying in the shade before an early ride.

We see all sorts Crazy Bastards in the early season. Aaron Huntington shows off his new way of buying even more speed: Orange Sherbet Insane Tire Technology™. I'm sure the UCI will ban those tires next year.

Yeah, it's been a who's who of cycling weirdness this year. We've had our regulars, and guest appearances. Let's flip through the CBX Summer Album and see who had the nerve to show their face.

USAC Official and East-Side 'Crosser Bruce LeBlanc showed up for a week of riding this summer.

Regulars and guest - posing in front of the new  Big Mac Van. Craig R looking so "hot" and Bruce ready to leave town. Can't blame him.

Between epic cycling events Jeff Festian (Werdy) was on the road this summer.

Like Jeff, Kim Lee hovered between guest star appearances and being a weekly regular. He's not spitting at you by the way, he's showing his gravel collection in his teeth.

Slayer, aka Jeff Haney made some rides, returning to Slayer form after a horrific mountain bike accident involving Slayer's lung and a tree.

Kirk G was there for a lot of ride (left). Scott Walburn was a regular. He pulled the entire group around for weeks straight. Nice work for him, great motor-pacing for the rest of us. Thanks Scott!

Bob Hughes, left, made some ride, Craig a lot, and Dave Staublin, quite a few. This night was so hot and muggy that even the camera got sweaty.

 

Speaking of weather, we even got some mud, which Scott displays. I don't believe we ever rode in any rain. Did we?

 

Nice group last week at the end of the Dog Mile, which as always is a hotly contested stretch of dirt. The good thing about the Dog Mile there is no more Killer Chihuahua to get tangled in your wheels at 30 mph. The only bad thing there no more Killer Chihuahua.

 

On Tuesday the "ladies" came out and showed the boys how it was done. Cupcake, Sarah McIntyre and Amy Stauffer.

 

 If you see a fork in the road, take it.

So that's it for summer. The has officially set on the longest preseason in Crazy Bastard history. Now it's on to fall, more rides, warmer clothes, boots, snow ... yikes is that all going to happen again. First though, it's on to racing. See you at Ithaca and/or Highland this weekend.