Vomit Colored Kits, The Many Faces of Kelly Patterson, and Dave Massey Gives Himself A Selfie

I'm way behind on posts - just getting to Waterford Day Two, before moving on to Chicago. From what I hear, though, I will probably drown at Lower Huron tomorrow, so this could be it. Good luck! Bring your floaty! 

VOMIT COLORED KIT PARADE AT WATERFORD

Yeah there's some color-cordination malpractice going on here. Mix in the Tron-style paint job on the bike and you've got a bile-o-thon combo on wheels. Nice job Mike Seaman! In the Vomit-Colored Kit Kategory, you are number one in our twisted coloring book.

Number two, in the Waterford Day-2 Puke colored kits kolumn was Adam McIntrye. Pink goes with ... well, pink and that's about it,big boy.

THE MANY FACES OF KELLY PATTERSON

While some people have split or multiple personalities, like several members of my family, Kelly Patterson has many faces. All of them crazy if you ask me. While I tried to ask her a few simple questions about her win on Day-2, she just made fun of me by making goofy faces. I've tried to interpret the meaning of theses faces. Let me know if I'm close.

"Yes I'm happy with my win today. I'll bet you wish you were me. Want me to tell you about my awesome sponsors?"

"I was just thinking of a heckle that would be awesome for you. If I ever saw you race. Of course never get up that early in the morning."

"Ooooooooh really? So a Nigerian Prince is holding my winnings from today? Can I borrow your Smart Phone and call him?"

IN OTHER NEWS DAVE MASSEY GIVE HIMSELF A SELFIE PODIUM INTERVIEW

Dave Massey on the podium of the Cat-3 45+ Race. He was one of the first racers he interviewed. The following is a transcript of that interview.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So, how was your race, Dave? You looked awesome out there today.

DAVE RACER: Awesome? Did you even watch what I did out there? Or were you too busy twerkin' your Mr. Microphone to take notes? I was F#$%in' super-ass wicked, my man, and by my man I mean me.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: That's great Dave, but watch the language huh, there are a lot of kids out here today ...

DAVE RACER: Better they hear it from somebody kick-ass like me instead of that guy that's been lurkin' around the van all day in the smelly skinsuit ... it's time to grow up, glue on the tubulars and get to work boys and girls. Awesomeness waits for no man ...

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So back to the race, when did you make your move? When did you decide it was 'GO-TIME'?

DAVE RACER: It was GO-TIME from the gun, good-lookin. Those guys took one look at my rig with the twin-towers of hydraulic hood awesomeness sitting on my bars, got a load of my groovin' retro side-burns and they were peein' in their bibs before we twisted a crank arm in anger. It was over before it started.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Nice. Well, great race Dave. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for your time.

DAVE RACER: Think nothing of it. My time is your time. I mean literally, my time is your time.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Sure thing. See you later, Dave.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Like lookin' in the mirror handsome, like lookin' in the mirror ....

MI CX CHAMPS: SOME GOT ICE CREAM, SOME JUST GOT CREAMED

Just Desserts: Das German, Sven Baumann finishes off 2012 with another State Championship, a Big Ass Trophy, a cooler full of ice cream and a plate of cookies. Nice job, but it looks like your year's done Sven.

While even in the best of years the State Championship CX has always sucked for me, I've got to say this one truly rocked - my friends did well, the racing was exciting, there we unexpected results, the usual bunch of ringers showed up for one race and so on, fun and same-old combined ... but the best thing was this course and venue. Man, I hope they bring this back. It reminded me of the Champ course in Looeeville before Eva Bandman. It was fun, classy, and beautiful looking - not to mention the great pit with water, fire pit and great warming house, bathrooms and such. It was a well thought out course too, using a bunch of sand, and so on. Tougher than it looked, but hell, aren't they all?

So after polishing off yet another ice cream cup, we snatched the Michigan State Championship trophy away from Sven before he ate that, too ...

Hey give me that trophy you crazy German. You sure you're a Michigan resident? That accent sounds kinda phony. Are you from the U.P.?

We examined the trophy closely to see who's fingerprints were all over it. Apparently a guy named Weinert had carved his name quite a few times. But who ees' this man Hogan, I mean Weinert, and vat was he doing vit das German's Trophy? Quite a lot it appeared.

We searched through the archives and found this evidence. Apparently this Weinert fellow had stolen the trophy quite a few times. From this photo it looks like another Century, before they knew where to put the damn numbers.

We took the trophy for a little spin, before Sven started eating the plates off the sides, and found more names ... Card, Wissink, Foshag ... nice work boys. Okay Sven, you can eat it now.

Nice history lesson, but back to the present, seems like some of those names are still around, Wissink, Parmalee, with new ones ready to step up like Burke and Beebe ... and Weinert just off the podium.

In the Women's Elite Kelly Patterson came on strong again in the end with another late season performance to take the State Championship. Three of our favorite women cyclocrossers - Queen Anne, Melly Kelly, and Susan, Surrender the Booty, Shaw.

Well enough of the Elites. I mean they're fast, young (well not all, but younger than me, but who isn't), and so on, and make me sick really with all their form and mad cyclocross skillz. And they certainly don't need anymore adoration heaped on them.  Jerks. Now lets get on to the more meaningless happenings at the State Championship, you know, the stuff that I really care about.

Cyclocross Tent City Early Sunday Morning.

The day started early at Addison Oaks with the erection (I can hear Osgood laughing, he said erection, huh-huh-huh) of a tent city, which looked a little bit like a scene from the Grapes of Wrath. In the center of it was our own Crazy Bastard Compound.

From the outside the CBX compound looks like just a collection of discarded bike shit and junk.

But as you get closer you start to notice ingenious hillbilly-engineering and all sorts of crap you thought you'd never need at  race. But what's going on inside? All the other tents are open, but this one looks so secrective ... (No Osgood that's Secretive as in Secret, not Secrete, as in YOU are a Serial Secreter ...)

A rare glimpse inside the CBX Tent: Heater, Automatic Tire Gasser, Trainers, lounge chairs ... and extreme laziness.

As the tents were erected (shut the f*ck up Osgood) friends and fans start milling around the scene.

The Animal Sisters  - out of uniform for race day. They swapped their animal heads for some fancy boots. The Boot Sisters? Hmmmmmm. No, they'll always be the animal sisters to me.

In Europe people walk around with the "Sven Nys Supporter" jackets on. At the Michigan State Championships this year some crazy people were walking around with "Osgood On A Stick" placards. Do you know where that stick has been young man? I'd wash my hands if I were you. In gasoline.

Inside the race support facility Sarah McIntyre was already eyeing the podium. Wonder who's going to be walking on that? she probably said to no one ever

But lets leave the tent city and the fans tromping around in the mud and get back to racing again. Once the tires were gassed and skinsuits stretched on over the fat guts it was time for the non-elites to get it on.

 Here's the charge of the Killer Beeeeeees! Good looking bunch, but smelly.

Wish I had more shots of this beautiful course, but this is just about it for now. Here's Big Mac coming around the bend. Note the sand on the right. Yeah, that hurt.

Here I am trudging through the sand, running and thinking of more excuses I can use for why I sucked so bad this year.

There were a lot of people that didn't suck. Here's Sarah McIntyre picks up another podium spot in her rookie year.

Adam McIntyre picked up the Series Win in the Cat 2-3 (B) Men, just edging out some tough competition from Brad Lako on the second step and Ben Christian in third. Well done guys,

Here's Adam receiving what he thinks is a bag of money for the series win.

Turns out it wasn't money - but a sweet Tailwind Series Champion hat. Until you start combing that awesome facial hair up and over your dome you'll need that hat.

Adam also took a Silver State Championship Medal, and Mike Bellovich a well deserved Bronze in the  Men's U-39 Bs.

The Women's Elite Series Championship Podium. After dominating the Women's Elite all year-long, Queen Anne takes the win, along with the usual suspects Kelly and Susan along side her. Nice racing ladies.

 I, due to (excuse number 32 and number 11 go here) was just 10-seconds from a State Championship Medal myself. Boo-hoo f'ing who, right? I hounded the promoters asking if there couldn't there just this once be an extra "podium step" for a fourth place finisher in the State Championship - one for some who tried so hard, but just came up a little short because of (excuse number 32 and number 11 go here) which I could do nothing about. Because the Tailwind folks are so sweet and wonderful, they said they'd fix something up just for me ...

We'll just put you to next to the 2nd step ...

There you go. Now just have your mommy lift you up and drop you into your rightful podium spot you big crybaby ...

Meanwhile, hourse after it was all over, Sven was still eating ice cream.

More State Champ photos and videos coming soon! Also, a video trip back to Big Bad Wolf!

THE MONEY SHOT: SWAMP THAING DOS

The Money Shot. JB grabs the bill, Adam McIntyre grabs the shot of the year. We'll show you how you catch such a fantastic shot later in today's program, er, blog.

It was great weather, great racing and stinking beer-belches all day long at what could be the final Swamp Thing of all time. Rumor has it that they are going to build an Alien Landing Pad (see Alien Posts here) or building some condo's for smelly college students to have sex willy-nilly in, with state sponsored birth control devices thank goodness, right here sometime during the next hundred years. So the course will be no more and kids, not free-range bunnies will be humping away where cross racers are picking dollar bills out of nearly-empty Pabst cans. So there's a real cultural loss - I guess. With the state of the economy I wouldn't hold my breath on, and I think the bums, flora and fauna that abound on the Red Cedar Course are safe for now. On Sunday the course was in great shape, and was mowed down to the nub, and the bumps were a little less jarring thanks to some water in the ground.

The Usual Suspects x 2: It takes two, apparently to ride Adam McIntyre's Big Boy Bike. Adrienne O’Day and Susan Shaw have to team up to make the Giant Ridley a go-go.

A host of the usual suspects from East and West showed up for a nice relaxing day of racing at Swamp Thing II, and were all out  drinking, cheering and heckling our favorites, and not so favorites around the course.

Talk about Usual Suspects. Don Cameron leans on his weapon and thinks to himself, "Who's next and where do you want it?"

Queen Anne in hot pursuit of another victory in the Women's Elite. In the Single Speed race she was in pursuit of something else. What was it, and what did it look like?

What Anne was chasing looked kinda of like this. Note to self: never buy a white skinsuit.

If there had been an announcer at Swamp Thaing Dos, he would have been screaming himself hoarse calling the battle between Queen Anne and the Uno Blanco Sausage. What a fight! What a stuffed casing!

Yeah the SS race it was like watching somebody dangle a Giant Single Speed White Sausage in front of the Queen for the entire un-gawdly 40-minute of that horror-show. No one seemed to care that Mike Seaman was literally ripping the "gear" off his bike to stay in front of Patrick. no, we were mesmerized with the White Sausage of Single Speeding - whoever in the hell that guy was.. Anne got close enough to put some mustard on the WSoSS but couldn't eat the whole thing.

Speaking of chasing the casing, Cupcake had a great race. Here she is spell checking "Surrender the Booty" on Susan Shaw's kit.

After a couple of podiums the McIntyre's relax and heckle their new ex-friends. Flying Rhino, Paul is obscured by the sunshine.

Better shot of Paul as he refuels right after his race.

I love racing on golf courses. So smooth. So pro. Hey, who the hell is this guy? And when's my Tee-Time?

No hotdogs here, mister. Jan shows some sinewy leg muscles while we sat drinking some delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beers, watching hime work making our plans for the money shot trap.

And more Usual Suspects. 

These are the "Usual" Usual Suspects you'll find trashing themselves at every Swamp Thaing race. Well done guys, let us know when you get work-release, you need to cut some new course.

NOW, BACK TO GETTING THE MONEY SHOT

If you want to get the perfect "Money Shot," you need to bait the trap correctly. Here I am doing the best work I did all day.

Here's the trap, set perfectly. Make sure you leave some ballast at the bottom so the can doesn't blow over, or tip too early. A little beer, a little spit will do, thank you.

Here's the run in to the trap. Set it and just wait for the fool(s) to make the grab. Now, the next thing you need to do is get a top-notch photographer ... here were our choices:



The Technician. Psycho for details.

 His shots are wonderful, but he's slow and old like me. And that "Can you hold that for a minute ..." just doesn't work during a race.

The Artist: "work for me baby."

 There's a lot of emotion, hot chicks and bullshit in everything he does. He's seen Blow-up 100-times, and the Eyes of Laura Mars 500-times. We like him by but we didn't have enough beer and JB hadn't shaved his legs real "smooth" for the race that day.

Ready-for-anything shooter. Let's fill the Hurt Locker with beer today, okay?

This guy can always get the shot, and he was dressed about right - especially for the way that JB was driving the bike that day - plus he had the helmet in the "on" position which we heard was a requirement at Swamp Thaing races now. Unfortunately he had UCI World Champ Stripes on his underwear and got DQd.

This is who made the Money Shot happen. Adam McIntyre with Sarah McIntyre on training ride.

The final result - too much awesome with additional color touches, by Adam McIntyre. JB Hancock in the saddle, making the grab.

BONUS VIDEO SWAMP THAING DOS

Caught this at the last minute. A short, music filled video of the race that day. Enjoy!