CYCLOCROSS - IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TIRES ISN'T IT?

("There, there my sweet orange babies, we'll release the power of your Atomoic Sherbert soon. Let those dogs eat your Sherbert flavored atomic dust and die! Arrrgh, arrrgh, arrgh!")

It could be all about the tires. Probably close to bike costs, in the total cyclocross expenditure list (we're not talking giant vans, road trips, motels, beer and bail money) and in the time we spend bullshitting about 'cross, tires have to top the list. 

I've tried all sorts of tires. Like this tire, which I've discovered is only good for gravel road rides. Oh, well, add it to the 'cross collection.

(Of course you need all sort of tires. Here's Big Mac in Chicago in the what I believe were the PRE-LIMUS days.)

(God, a tire I don't have? What the hell ...)

There's hardly a day that goes by now that there isn't a new tire available that we didn't know we needed. While I thought I had the whole spectrum of tire to surface interface combinations covered with the Grifo, Grifo XS, Grifo XS White, Fango and Limus, Challenge hit me with a new one today, the new Challenge Chicane, which is made, I'm guessing and riding through Chicanes, like this one below. You can read more about the new Challenge Chicane today on the Cyclocross Magazine website right here.

(Ithaca Grand Prix course - the Hallway of Doom, Pasture of Pain, or something like that ...)

Great place for a Chicane ... I mean the tire not the course configuration. And yes this is a shot of the Ithaca Grand Prix course, which will be the first Michigan Cross Race of the season this September 7. While it looks like the Challenge Chicane would be the perfect tire for this part of the course, I don't have one (yet) so I guess I'll just suck again. You can always blame the tires.

Just to remind you one more time, JB-style, the Ithaca Grand Prix is almost here, so register now. There might even be some special stuff in it for you, like this Ithaca T-shirt, but I'm not sure what this special offer is so you'll have to go to the Ithaca GP blog and find out for yourself right here.

MY USUAL TUBELESS TIRE RANT. STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE

(Here's a video on mounting tubeless tires which in my opinion is a total crock of horseshit. It's not simple, it's not easy and you can't do it with a floor pump. You need like enough air pressure to launch a 40 pound dog through the air to get the tires to snap on, and then it's another week of suffering through leaky tires and whale jis all over the floor.)

As far as cross tires are concerned, no matter what the tread, I'm sticking to tubulars for after my short foray into the world of tubeless tire systems. While I have enjoyed the quality of the ride of tubeless tires on my mountain bike (yeah I rode it once) I found the task of mounting tubulars and gluing far easier than fucking around for a week trying to get the tubeless system to hold air. Also, hunting and killing sperm whales for their jism, to properly seal the tires, is also pretty tiring if not down right dangerous. Plus get that stuff on the garage floor and you could slip and fall. And while the rest of you are plunking down good money for that synthetic whale jiz, from that guy named Stan, I'm going old school and harvesting my own. Here's how its done, kids.

ENOUGH TIRES, NOW ONTO THE CLINICS

With only weeks to go before the kick-off of the 2013 Cyclocross season, after talk of tires, it's talk of training. From power meters to practice, we're all looking for someway to not make total fools of ourselves out there in front of our peers, or those assholes we call friends.

(The Real Women Tri Cross Clinic a couple of weeks ago at Manhattan Park.)

There's clinics and practices all over the place right now. We'll have a small one tonight, as a matter of fact. The Real Women Tri club hosted their e own clinic a little while ago, conducted by Ann Swartz and the good folks from Tailwind who put together an awesome little course. And of course Ann is one of the best cross teachers in the business. Next year this should be even bigger.

SHOULD I BUY A CROSS BIKE?

(You're kidding, right)

(Should I buy cross bike? The answer is no, you should buy 3 or 4. Just like this one. That will be $15,000 please.)

So after the clinic and the practice those of you trying it out on Mountain Bikes and Frankencrossers start to think about buying a proper cyclocross bike. There above headline and photo were on the Cyclocross Magazine website. When I saw it I had to laugh. Buy a "one" cross bike, are you flippin' kidding me?

(Yeah it's a little small but it handles like a bitch and it carries like a peach.)

Choosing the right bike is easy, well maybe. I still say one size smaller than your regular bike size. It's old school, but for all the people I've seen riding cross bikes that are too big for them, it still makes sense.)

PRE-SEAON TRAINING RIDES: LEARNING TO TRASH TALK BEFORE THE RACING EVEN BEGINS

After tires, bikes, clinics and a proper doping program has been established, the next thing you need is a pre-season training ride. We've got one. Not only it is good for your legs and bike handling, but you can also practice your trash talking and heckling. But just remember, there's no one out there to break up the fight, and most of the people that ride with us will just want to watch you get your ass beat anyway. Rides roll out of Townsend Park at 6:30 every Tuesday and Thursday.

(Adam practices some early season trash talk on Michael before the ride even begins: "Watching you ride around the parking lot was the first time I've ever seen the back of your jersey on a ride. I didn't know about all your sponsors. Good luck to them."

GRAVEL GRINDING, MI CROSS PREVIEW, AND DOING THE ARTE JOHNSON

The CBX gang hanging out in the parking lot waiting to roll, telling lies and trying to hide their disdain for each other ... wait this isn't a road ride, oops, forget that. To entertain them I did my Arty Johnson tip-over-in-the-parking-lot routine just to keep everyone feeling good about themselves. Bastards.

While there was no photo or video evidence of my non-epic tip-over Craig, Aaron and Adam quickly marked the spot with fast-drying tubeless-tire-jism as a warning or just a reminder of my crash to others. The Bastards.

Despite my unspectacular fall it turned out to be another great ride last night, graced by Cupcake, Jane Van Hof, Craig Flying Bats Rawlings, Big Mac, Aaron O' Huntington (he has a new name since returning from the his Scotland/Ireland excursion), Tony H (short ride for him on road tires), Dave H (even shorter for him on road tires as well) and me, the new Arty Johnson. Perfect temps, and a lot of good sections along with some deeper gravel that was a grind ... but a good grind.

Just in from his semi-live appearance in Ireland and Scotland, the jet-lagged, Single Malt and Guinness marinated Aaron O' Huntington joined us for the ride. In the background Big Mac is telling Jane how it's all going to go down in the final non-sprint of the night.

Aaron O' Huntington's new jersey. I guess this is what people look like in Scotland.

MICHIGAN CROSS SEASON PREVIEW AND STARTLING PHOTOS OF FAT CYCLOCROSS RIDER ON CYCLOCROSS MAGAZINE WEBSITE TODAY! 

Imagine my pride, horror and dismay at having my fat-ass plopped in a story about the Michigan Cyclocross scene today. The photo is courtesy of Big Mac, story I believe is by JB Hancock. It's all about the coming season and the kick-off race at Ithaca in just a month and the entire Michigan schedule. To see it all go here.

Also featured in the story was this nice photo of our Michigan Cyclocross cover girl, Sarah McIntyre running up the ramparts of Mad Anthony last year. Mad Anthony is back on the schedule as part of the Tailwind series. Again, you can view all of the series dates and locations here.

Gravel Road Riding: AUGUST IS THE NEW SEPTEMBER

Last Thursday's ride was a good one with: New Guy Dave, Jeff F, Jerry, Dave S, Don G, Kim T, Scott W, and the Shadow rolling up about 33 miles of dirt road goodness.

Last week's riding was sweet. The roads were good and fast, there were some nice intervals but not a hammer fast, the riding was safe, no big gaps, no half-wheeling, nobody got dropped. It was good times as Gunter Vogler says. The Crazy Bastard rides have been up and rolling for well over a month now, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, far earlier than I've ever seen before, which leads me to believe that August is the new September.

Since the Crazy Bastard rides have launched so early this year people ask me, "hey dummy, don't you usually do these these stupid rides in the fall?" My answer goes something like this ... "there are a number of reasons for people switching over to gravel riding so early, and if you didn't Google the reasons why, here are mine ... dumbass."

Road Racing hurts. If you don't believe me watch this video above and tell me if you haven't seen this before. Yeah crits and road races can be dangerous, especially if you or the person you're racing again doesn't know what the f&@k they're doing. I love road racing, but frankly I'm getting too old to get busted up that bad and do all that nasty rehab shit. The sound of popping tires, snapping carbon and the accompanying screams are starting to get to me. I'm just getting old ...

Anybody that thinks Mountain Biking is any safer needs to just look out for that next tree around one of the million-and-half redundant turns featured on our local trails. I have color photographs for future publication of Shawn Davison and Jeff "Slayer" Haney that prove that the human rib is not mightier than the tree.

Riding on the road is also getting pretty damn dangerous. Well it was anyway. I believe this is Katie Hamel's wheel after she was run down by a hit and run driver on her way to the Monday Night Time Trial ...

The driver also adjusted Katie's seat, unless that's one of those new Specialized seats that "moves" with you as you pedal ...

Oh yeah, the car is mightier than the carbon bicycle ... that's also a nice derailleur adjustment.

A driver also made some modifications to Steve Bartzen's bike this summer while riding on the road. I believe that was a mountain bike, but I'm not sure, but if it is he should have been out trying to dodge trees with it, not cars. I also notice the shadow is there taking photos again.

So it's my assumption that people like these people above, milling around and fussing with their Garmens and Stravas, are switching from the road, and maybe even the trail (hey you can't ride when it's wet can you?!) for the relative safety of gravel roads where the traffic is lighter and slower and there aren't any trees in the road to hit. Okay Craig hit a tree. And there are deer. And those nasty Sand Hill Cranes that can peck your eyes out. And Swans that will bite you. And Killer Chihauhaus (I wish) and about a billion dumb bunnies that don't do anything dangerous ... oh yeah and the chicken that almost took Craig down ...

Since we are cyclists we can't let anything appear to be too easy or safe so we add some hardman drama to the dirt road riding scene to make it seem like we are living on the edge of crashing or puking our guts out from over the top efforts, like the rest of the cycling world does everyday. A good example is the whole Belgian-The F*ck up brand that's pretty much focused on cross, dirt road riding, and Classics wanna-bees. It tells the world that even though you're scared of road racing, riding on the road, and your ribcage has an allergy to pine trees, you're still a tough guy or gal. So Belgy the F*ck up, okay?

If you don't believe me that we're infected with the Belgian The F*ck Up theme all you had to do was look around the parking lot before the ride last Thursday .. or any other day there's a ride.

Solid yellow not tough enough and make you look chicken? Then add a bit of some baby blue to your Manly Belgy kit like Big Mac does.

Carlos Danger lives the life of danger. Why not me?

I refuse to pretend the life of danger with Belgy socks or kit. I have a whole new game. To make sure that I am safe, yet appearing to live the life of "danger" on tonight's ride I'm going to ride this sturdy bike and Kevlar suit - yet I am going to change my name from Surly Bastard to "CARLOS DANGER" just ot make myself look way-badass. What do you think? Maybe I'll lose the lapel pin though, don't want stick myself - but I'll be at Townsend tonight for a roll-out at 6:30.

THE YELLOW JERSEY THAT WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME

I wear this yellow jersey everyday. It won't come off.

There's only a yellow jersey that will actually stand the test of time - jaundice caused by liver failure by one too many chemicals and drugs in the system. Actually I'm not saying that the new champ is riding dirty, and I hope against hope that in fact that he's not. I cheered him on even when he was picking on that little guy in the mountains that weighed like 75 lbs. and was riding a miniature bike (actually a size 44).

When you see this you know the TdF has officially entered the "Lab" Stage.

But now the riding is behind us and we've entered that TdF period where the cheering has died away and the waiting for the lab test to come back begins ... so to say the thrill is gone is like yeah, it is.

Louis, who's riding dirty this time?

Every wonder why it takes to so long to get TdF lab results back? Contador's meat took two years to cook, and Lance, why hell it took a turn of the century to go by to get the bottom of whatever that was. The main reason it takes so long, in my opinion is French Labs - and the fact all the work is still being done by Louis Pasteur who has been dead a long time. Nice guy, smart guy, but a French guy, and that means a different set of values, priorities and work ethic - like taking constant coffee, cigarette and sex breaks breaks with partners that are half your age plus seven.

Here's who I think should do the testing. Hell if we had this guy doing the testing we would have the cheating riders busted before they could even throw their hands over their heads at the finish line.

WHEN I DISCOVERED THE TOUR WAS REALLY OVER ...

Is the Tour over? Where's the remote? Where's my f*ckin cheeseburger?

The realization that we were in the "Lab" stage of the TdF hit me like a cold cheeseburger glued to the floor was on Monday morning when I awoke on the floor, as I always do, finished last night's meal that had "cured" on the floor like a fine tubular tire, groped around until I found the television remote, and turned on my massive flat screen, and  I was shocked to learn that the TdF was finally over with for 2013, or whatever year this is. No longer would I start my morning with Phil trying to figure out what country he was in, what year it was, and what those guys on those two-wheeled thingies were doing riding around in their underwear ... well the TdF was officially over and it was time to get on with my own riding.

Since it was Monday it was time to get back on the bike and start TTing again. I don't know if you know it, but there is a local TT that happens ever Monday night. About 1000 people do it every Monday, and finishers will often come in around midnight. I'm not saying you need lights, but better have a team car with the  brights on to lead you home ...

A new TT bike with the latest materials and an awesome-ass position. So why am I so slow?

This year I made the mistake of buying a new TT bike. It takes years to dial in a TT bike correctly and I'm thinking that by the time I get this one dialed in I will have been dead and buried for about five-years. Yeah, what the hell I was thinking ... I was going to live forever?

I experimented with some different TT bikes and positions. This one was okay, but it always felt like something was missing.

I even tried Nairo Quintana's TT bike. Something about the sizing was off ...

Finally I got the  the position "dialed" as they say at HUP United Headquarters. I used Lindsey Von as a model to achieve the correct "tuck." the only problem is that my skirt-tails keep getting caught in my rear derailleur - the  big plus are the aerodynamic pointy-pumps.

How fast. How far. What time. How much time. How do I look. How do you look. It's all right here.

This year I have also had a time and language barrier issue with the starters at the TT and have had an occasion to miss my start times for reasons I have yet to fully understand. I don't know if we're not speaking the same language, or I'm operating in a different time zone, or what - so I have pumped up the technology to try to resolve the problem. (Unfortunately, it just ain't working.) So if you're waiting to see me "slay" the Monday night TT any time soon, don't hold your breath, or that inhaler you're always huffing on before the start.

New bike. New position. Yeah, this is more like it.

So I'm giving up TTing, but not biking. I think I'll see if I can suck at Mountain Biking as much as I'm sucking at the other cycling genres. Now to get my mountain bike position "dialed." I think this it.

HEAT WAVE GRAVEL GRINDING DROWNING BEERS

The Townsend Park Cooling Station. The only way to beat the l,000˚ F heat last night was with tree-lined roads and a bike that generates it's own air-conditioning. It was still pretty damn hot.

With the trees this is what it looked like - in fact this was somewhere along Ashley and 7-mile (though I don't think her name is Ashley). And yes, no it never happened.

So it's hot. Don't tell me about the heat, I don't want to hear it anymore, okay? I don't care. And neither did a few Crazy Bastards who put in a few nice gravel grinding miles last night (Scott Walburn, Jeff Festian, Lee Boughner and myself) . It's been two-weeks now and the rides have been rolling around pretty steadily on Tuesday and Thursday at 6:30 for around 30-miles a pop.

Tuesday I got my motor pacing work on the wheel of Big Mac. Last night it was this horse pulling us along - Scott Walburn. Scott has killed more varmints on dirt roads with that front wheel and has ridden more pretenders off that rear wheel than you've had Margarita's with Beers stuffed in them at the Score after a ride. If you don't know what I mean, it's this thing ... yeah, what the hell is this, anyway? Something they serve at the Score, or as Flying Bats calls it, THE ZONE.

If this looks good to you for anything more than icing down a bruise, well you may have some issues with alcohol, appropriate glassware use and putting contaminates in your beverages.

Another Crazy Bastard Original out to beat the heat and grind the gravel last night - Jeff Festian, aka Werdy Bastard, only in 1000˚ F heat last night nobody was that chatty.

Like everyone, Jeff's bike was loaded with drinks. An essential additive for like, uh, not dying. Lee was rocking a MTB ... one of those things with big fat wheels.

This rolled a little over 28 miles last night. Considering the pace and effort of staying on Scott's wheel, that was enough for me.

On the front end my other tire wasn't quite up to making the ride without taking a piss. It went flat about 4-miles from the finish. Too hot and lazy to change the tube I just gassed it up with CO2s to keep it rolling. Thankfully the tire gave its last gasp at the Grandpa Van - and thanks to Lee for helping me limp home after the other guys thought that a flat tire was a good time to throw in one last 1000˚, no PSI in my tire attack. (Hmmm, first time I've rolled this ride without tubular tires this year - maybe the last.)

Toweling off and considering the options for hydration and carbloading after the ride. I can't tell whether Jeff is doing a Roman Emperor thing or Japanese Bath thing. Of course I took this photo while wearing a kilt, wooden shoes and a white wig. After a little toweling off we decided to go to THE ZONE for refreshments and some air conditioning. 

While the drinks and food at THE ZONE were awesome, the waitress sucked. I mean sucked. Well I think you know what I mean. Nice ride. See you on the other side of the Heat Wave on Tuesday, same place, same Crazy Bastard Time. Roads are in great shape, no traffic, and great guys to ride with - right now. How long is it to Ice Man? I'll ask the waitress at THE ZONE, I'm sure she'll know.

GOING FOR THE NUCLEAR OPTION - BIG MAC'S BIG BIKE VAN

Leave it to Big Mac (aka Adam McIntyre) to escalate bike carrying capacity for this year's Cross Season with the introduction of a dedicated big bike van to carry all his and Sarah's gear. Here's a shot of the new van from my helicopter.

Many of you will remember Big Mac's Long Trailer, introduced at last year's 2012 Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross (which is now only a couple of month's away!) While the Long trailer could carry a lot of gear it didn't have the capacity to a gobble up all the bikes and wheels slated this year's campaign. 

Sarah McIntyre, at Tuesday Night's dirt road ride, where Big Mac's Big Bike Van made it's biking debut. Did she hit it with a bottle of Champagne? No, we think it was Spicy Feta Dip. Hope it didn't hurt the paint.

The yawning side door of the Big Bike Van yawns open like a giant bike and gear swallowing throat. I'm jealous. I'd put a bed, and arm chair and a reading lamp right there. Big Mac will probably put a wheel rack, an arc welder, an air compressor and something else that goes cha-chunka-chunka-chucka in that spot.

Got Bikes? Well if you do, here's where you stack them up. More big, yawning openings to swallow loads of bikes and cross crap.

Here's the Bike Bike Van shot from a hundred miles away, which makes it look slightly smaller. Its sole purpose in life is carrying bikes to bike races, and that's it. Think you've seen it before? Yeah you have. Watch the following clip about wheel sucking and you'll know where ... the most famous Big Bike Van ever? Possibly.

Even if you don't have a Big Bike Van you can still ride tonight. Some of us will be out to Townsend Park for a 6:30 roll time. See you Bike and Big Van fans!