THE YELLOW JERSEY THAT WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME

I wear this yellow jersey everyday. It won't come off.

There's only a yellow jersey that will actually stand the test of time - jaundice caused by liver failure by one too many chemicals and drugs in the system. Actually I'm not saying that the new champ is riding dirty, and I hope against hope that in fact that he's not. I cheered him on even when he was picking on that little guy in the mountains that weighed like 75 lbs. and was riding a miniature bike (actually a size 44).

When you see this you know the TdF has officially entered the "Lab" Stage.

But now the riding is behind us and we've entered that TdF period where the cheering has died away and the waiting for the lab test to come back begins ... so to say the thrill is gone is like yeah, it is.

Louis, who's riding dirty this time?

Every wonder why it takes to so long to get TdF lab results back? Contador's meat took two years to cook, and Lance, why hell it took a turn of the century to go by to get the bottom of whatever that was. The main reason it takes so long, in my opinion is French Labs - and the fact all the work is still being done by Louis Pasteur who has been dead a long time. Nice guy, smart guy, but a French guy, and that means a different set of values, priorities and work ethic - like taking constant coffee, cigarette and sex breaks breaks with partners that are half your age plus seven.

Here's who I think should do the testing. Hell if we had this guy doing the testing we would have the cheating riders busted before they could even throw their hands over their heads at the finish line.

WHEN I DISCOVERED THE TOUR WAS REALLY OVER ...

Is the Tour over? Where's the remote? Where's my f*ckin cheeseburger?

The realization that we were in the "Lab" stage of the TdF hit me like a cold cheeseburger glued to the floor was on Monday morning when I awoke on the floor, as I always do, finished last night's meal that had "cured" on the floor like a fine tubular tire, groped around until I found the television remote, and turned on my massive flat screen, and  I was shocked to learn that the TdF was finally over with for 2013, or whatever year this is. No longer would I start my morning with Phil trying to figure out what country he was in, what year it was, and what those guys on those two-wheeled thingies were doing riding around in their underwear ... well the TdF was officially over and it was time to get on with my own riding.

Since it was Monday it was time to get back on the bike and start TTing again. I don't know if you know it, but there is a local TT that happens ever Monday night. About 1000 people do it every Monday, and finishers will often come in around midnight. I'm not saying you need lights, but better have a team car with the  brights on to lead you home ...

A new TT bike with the latest materials and an awesome-ass position. So why am I so slow?

This year I made the mistake of buying a new TT bike. It takes years to dial in a TT bike correctly and I'm thinking that by the time I get this one dialed in I will have been dead and buried for about five-years. Yeah, what the hell I was thinking ... I was going to live forever?

I experimented with some different TT bikes and positions. This one was okay, but it always felt like something was missing.

I even tried Nairo Quintana's TT bike. Something about the sizing was off ...

Finally I got the  the position "dialed" as they say at HUP United Headquarters. I used Lindsey Von as a model to achieve the correct "tuck." the only problem is that my skirt-tails keep getting caught in my rear derailleur - the  big plus are the aerodynamic pointy-pumps.

How fast. How far. What time. How much time. How do I look. How do you look. It's all right here.

This year I have also had a time and language barrier issue with the starters at the TT and have had an occasion to miss my start times for reasons I have yet to fully understand. I don't know if we're not speaking the same language, or I'm operating in a different time zone, or what - so I have pumped up the technology to try to resolve the problem. (Unfortunately, it just ain't working.) So if you're waiting to see me "slay" the Monday night TT any time soon, don't hold your breath, or that inhaler you're always huffing on before the start.

New bike. New position. Yeah, this is more like it.

So I'm giving up TTing, but not biking. I think I'll see if I can suck at Mountain Biking as much as I'm sucking at the other cycling genres. Now to get my mountain bike position "dialed." I think this it.

Breaking News: If Wiggo's not racing the TdF neither am I!

Sutton: I love touching your sideburns, my boy. Sure you don't want set new goals like being a proper bike racer again?

Wiggo: Hands-off me you smelly old c#nt!

Bradley Wiggins is at crisis point, says GB head coach Shane Sutton

• Injured Wiggins ruled out of Tour de France defence • Cyclist 'needs to set new goals', says Sutton

While  you may have been shocked and dismayed to learn that Wiggo isn't going to race the Tour de France this year, I image that you'll be totally gutted to hear that  I've pulled out of the race as well.

Here I am waiting to get out of site of the downtown crowds in Frankenmuth to do what I do best these days on a bike - get dropped, quit and slink back to the Grandpa Van.

 Despite my craptacular form this year, like Bradley Wiggins, I have decided not to ride the good old Tour de France. Of course I never was going to ride it, but there's some satisfaction in saying you're not going to, as if you could ...

I thought early on in the season that I could use some professional training programs to get me going ... drinking beer may work for Fabs, but for me ..

Well this year you can just call me Flabs ...

To keep from becoming over-trained I even experiment with Basso's approach to training. Again, total fail. Call me Flabs Fat-Basso.

While my excuse for not being able to compete in even the lamest of races is solely because of piss-poor training, old-age, terrible attitude, crap-diet and too many beers, Bradley has decided not to defend is TdF title because of a bad knee. It looks like it is going to take him some time to recover from this injury because from this photo it appears like his doctors don't know where his knee is.

Tom Boonen, Julie Bonnen's brother, also had a knee problem that sidelined him for the early part of the season. When they asked lil' Petey Sagan where he thought Tom's knee was - well he got it wrong too. Looks like he could practice medicine in Britian.

JWOW from Jersey Shore fame has been having knee problems as well - which is apparent in this recent photo. I'm not sure if it is a cycling injury, or just from old fashioned "Jersey Floor Carpet Sprinting." Looks like her bad knees should be easy to spot by even a confused soul like Peter Sagan. It's just a matter of deciding Upstairs/Downstairs, isn't it?

While figuring out how to get into shape for the upcoming cross season, and what's left of whatever cycling season we're in right now, I'm going to contemplate a completely new training program while I swing in the hammock in the back yard drinking beer and watching another cycling great, Mr. Zdeneck Stybar, or Styby-My-Lawn-Boy as I like to call him, pictured above, rehab his bad knee by mowing my lawn. Thanks Styby - nice work, and nice no shirt!

When I'm done with that, I plan to get my ass going and do some cyclocross skill workouts with Wiggo to get his knee in shape, as well as doing something for his absolute shit cyclocross form ...

SIDE-BURNS, SNOW CONES AND SPITTING CYCLISTS

Watching the Tour de France? Yeah me, yawn, too. I'm glued to the set (or my face to the drool covered pillow on the couch) snoring away, unless something really good happens like Contador getting dropped, Cav getting his goofy ass beat, or Thor taking the win on a semi-mountain stage, or Jens deciding to stomp the crap out of the peloton, just for the "Jens" of it.

 These are the sideburns that decided not to chase Thomas Voeckler down and give him the Yellow Jersey. Good thinking sideburns. Defend your mouth, not the Yellow Jersey!

Cycling racing fever is taking over this summer (at Grattan the fever has become a near fatal virus) and right in my own backyard, that would be Riverside Park, I found this competitive Ice Cream Bike Racer hard at work "Pedaling" his icy treats. This is the first competitive "Ice Cream Pedaler" I've ever seen. Check out his number! I just wonder if a Creamsicle could be considered a performance enhancing drug? All I can say is bust the piggy bank and grab his wheel - it's going to be a hot one!

Riverside Park this weekend - Ice Cream Racers LOOK OUT! 489 is ready to kick your ass and hand you a Snow Cone as your second place prize. Now that's cool!

I'm personally into the animals on bikes craze that's going around. Climbing these days, I feel like the guy below, though I don't know about hitting the end of the road, or in this case pole. Yeah bear, it's a way down.

Oooo-la-la zis eez zee end oof zee road! Sacra-boo-bear!

Cyclist spitter. I'd like to see you as a 5-button Cardigan.

While this beast above may look nice, and makes a great sweater, I'm not a big fan. They like to spit at you. Especially if you're on a bike. How do I know? There was riding at the G-Way two weeks ago and he spit at me!

I'm thinking cardigan. The perfect sweater for an old Crazy Bastard, you think?