OUT OF THE CITY AND INTO THE WOODS TONIGHT?

Just one of several beers consumed over the last week while grabbing quick rides around the city. This one was at the Pyramid Scheme, smack downtown, yesterday. $2.50 for Belgium style beer at Happy Hour, not bad.

Like any habitual cyclist I've always have a bunch of excuses ready for practically any occasion. "I haven't been riding enough. I've been riding too much. I've got saddle sores. My bike tan isn't right, it doesn't match the length of my bibs. I pulled a (insert muscle, ligament or tendon here). My wife left the EPO out of the fridge and it all went bad. There's a carbon shortage, how can I ride? The 1,000 spokes I ordered to build the team's wheels haven't come in yet. My coach says I need to (insert appropriate coach direction here: recovery week, interval week, Zone 3 riding, Zone 1 riding, hill repeats, sprint repeats, send him or her a check today). I didn't bring enough GU packs I think I'm going to bonk. I forgot to carb load this week and I'm know I'm going to bonk. I went to stick myself in the thigh with a syringe, took my eyes off the road, hit a pothole, missed my thigh and slammed it into the top-tube, so I'm like, NOT GOOD today. I put my training on hold until I can an electronic-shift, hydraulic brake, carbon bike that weighs under 13 pounds is a reality."

Two that didn't make excuses. Cupcake and Nancy riding the Barry Ruby course this weekend. This looks like the very last of the cold weather - at least for now.

Well here's my excuse for the week:  I have missed several organized rides, including our own ride on Tuesday, because of too much work and not enough time. With the wonderful weather, however, I couldn't resist breaking away for several blasts around the city and up the trail. Early in the week, the weather was so nice I couldn't help myself and I rocked the SS for a change.

If you're riding an SS the best place to stop for a cold one would be Founders.

It was great riding that day, unfortunately mother nature turned on me right after my Founder's stop.

Strange looking clouds, and blue buildings. What did it all mean?

What it meant was that I was about to get my ass soaked to the skin. Welcome, early spring drenching. Glad I got you out of the way.

In addition to my various urban assaults, I was also able to blast up the trail to Rockford on several occasions, once with Adam and Sarah McIntyre.

Sarah' McIntyre's feeble attempt at carb loading on a trail ride this week through Rockford. This is a gelato at Grill 111. I just hope her team doesn't find out and fine her.

The best thing about riding through Rockford. Good things to eat. The bad thing about riding through Rockford. Good things to eat. Yesterday, with warm-warm weather I ventured out on the road bike for a longer-than-usual blast. After running into a few friends including Chris Boer, some other East Hills Riders, and Dave H, I meandered around until the sun was almost down.

The parting shot at the end of the ride last night.

I'm hoping tonight to break away for a ride in the country, but not sure if everyone is up for it - I didn't get a report on whether the roads were dry or not. Anyway, if it's an Urban or Rural ride, I think I've finally got the right bike for any job - it's my "No Excuses" bike. All I want to know who's going to lead me out? And if you do, let me know when you're going to "sit up" or I will literally cut you a new one.

No more of that "on your left shit." I'm coming through. Straight through.

Post up if you'd like to ride through the city or out at Townsend at 6. Now I'm back to playing catch-up. I guess my first thought is Townsend and some dirt. But let us know what you'd like.

PLAYING CHICKEN TO BEING CHICKEN - THURSDAY URBAN RIDE ANTICS

You never know what you'll see on a Crazy Bastard Urban Ride. We ran into these girls along the way last Thursday night. They were on their way to Margo's Birthday Party at the Winchester. I think the gal on the right is Sheri Versluis, the Farmer's Wife. Looks like she's buying her riding kit at the same place as Julie Boonen.

Too chicken for another soggy mud ride on Thursday, a few of us opted for an urban ride which essentially eliminates mud but keeps the potholes in the riding equation. It also adds pedestrians and cars, something that we rarely see in the dark woods along the usual Crazy Bastard route, so there's more fun and weirdness right there. So we met up at Founders and headed out, with Big Kahuna, Amy S, Steve B, Cupcake aka Laura M, and your faithful ride recorder, ont the dangerous and bizarre streets of our "bike friendly ....." excuse me I had to laugh, city, of Grand Rapids

Cupcake leads the cheering of the huge crowds that greeted us as our Crazy Bastard Urban Ride rolled through town. 

Cheering for us? Not really, nobody cared about us, actually. They just wanted us out of the way most of the time. What you're seeing above was the Chicken Dance (some contest to see how many people can be made to look ridiculous at once), and we just happened to be riding by. It was a great way for Amy S and Cupcake to warm up. As you can see ...

A little chicken wiggle to the left.

A little chicken to the right.

A little get-down chicken wiggle, tonight, and you'll feel real nice!

After the Chicken Dance we again had to stop, this time to wish Margo Burian a happy birthday. she was celebrating at the Winchester with some of those friends that we ran into on our way.

Margo celebrates her birthday with members of the Crazy Bastard Urban Ride™. I think she said she was 26 or 27, but I can't be sure. Post your best guess in the comments below.

While the ride was a lot of fun, it's sure not like having the whole road to yourself, as we do all fall and winter long on the usual CB routes out of Townsend. As the ride progressed, and the vehicles came closer and closer, as the lights flashed and the horns honked, I had horrible visions that looked a lot like these old bicycling cartoons ...

The lesson here – Grata buses and bus drivers ... approach with extreme caution. They are not your friend when you're on a bicycle.

Okay, same thing goes for grabbing a car, truck or bus for an easy ride. Don't do it - unless you're a hipster, and then it's okay. It's not like you're an endangered species or anything like that, right?

Oh yeah, look out for that truck, dumbass.

I don't know about the transcendence part, but I'll like to learn enough to not-get-mowed-down by that family from Kentwood that's looking for a parking spot.

Bike Snob NYC has another book on the way. This one looks like it was made for anyone that wants to go on an Urban Crazy Bastard Ride - like that's ever going to happen again. Anyway I don't think we should go on another ride until everyone has read this book, studied the "danger cartoons" and is prepared to take a three-hour test on urban riding skills. If we all pass then we'll be riding like these super-cool  hipsters from Norway on fixies in the video below. Notice near the end of the video they leave town and head out into the countryside. Good idea. And great soundtrack and video. Watch it an learn watcher and learners - with the rain coming down right now, another ride on the hard stuff might be in order.

FTT edit #3 from Thomas Larsen Røed on Vimeo.

BARRY RUBY PRACTICE SEEN FROM OUTER SPACE!

Satellites orbiting high above the earth's surface have detected heavy concentrations of carbon fibre bicycles on the roads of Barry County. Yes - it's Barry Ruby training time.

 Here you can see the movements of the bikes. The clusters represent teams. The singular notations indicate people that are lost.

Looks tough, doesn't it? And this is only the training that went on this weekend!

By using heat imaging we can also detect more than just the movement of the cyclists over the Barry Ruby Course. If you look closely enough you can see glowing images. Those would be meth labs.

While scoping or racing the Barry Ruby course, you may occassionally see sights like this. This isn't a feed or medical station, so don't stop, this is just an impromptu, roadside meth lab. You can tell because it's so messy, bikers lay out the GU and water bottle in a more orderly fashion.

If you see people like this wandering the course don't immediately assume that they are course marshals unless they are wearing an official Barry Ruby "I'm An Official & Not a Meth Head" shirt. And make sure if they have a whistle there isn't smoke coming out of it when they "blow it."

One last shot of Barry Ruby practice from this weekend ... from high above the earth (again) ...

 For the parting shot we used the latest in telescopic technology ...

And we even used never before seen (or heard) long distance listening devices to record what was happening down in Barry Ruby Land.

The images and information were then downloaded (all the way from outer space) to the sophisticated and technologically advanced Crazy Bastard nerve center ...

The downloaded data was then crunched and analyzed by our crack Crazy Bastard analysts. Here's what this grumpy-guy Crazy Bastard analyst discovered ...

"Hey, where the @#$% are you guys!" we could hear Julie say all the way from outer space and back again. "I need to getting rolling to cool off. I've got too many clothes on. Let's go!

That's right -  it was just our adorable Julie "Boonen" in her black riding suit, tennis shoes and all, waiting at the top of the hill for the rest of her entourage to catch up. We may have spent millions in research and technology, but I, for one, think it was worth it. Hope you had a great ride today, Barry Ruby Riders!

I'LL HAVE MUD WITH THAT RIDE AND A SIDE OF CRUD, THANKS

To answer your question about "how was the mud on Tuesday," Aaron, I hope this tells you what you wanted to know

Aaron "Kill em, Klean em and Kook, Em" was one of many, well maybe the only person really, to ask about conditions on Tuesday, and the possibility of foreseeing what the conditions could be like tonight. While I have first hand experience of what conditions were on Tuesday - everything from hard-pack and sand, to slick slop on bottomless ruts - I can't really see in the future. But maybe from the following report and cross referencing with today's weather, maybe you can guess.

Cold weather last week had Julie Boonen wearing some heavy numbers to keep her warm.

81,192 matter of fact. While they made a fashion statement in the cold (see the snow in the background, they weren't needed on an almost balmy Tuesday night ride.

On Tuesday Julie wore a sleeveless shirt, a lot like the one pictured above, because she said it was "too warm for a jacket." Of course this is just a dramatic recreation of Julie Boonen's riding apparel on Tuesday, we missed the shot - but you can tell this isn't Julie because this young woman isn't blond. But you noticed that right away, right?

Tuesday was a great ride - except for the mud bogs we encountered around the loop. We had about 15 riders, all of whom I cannot remember right now - We did have Dave S and Mariposa bravely chugging through the goo on their tandem, Big Kahuna, Big Mac, Mike K, Redline Bastard, Bob S, and many more ... forgive me if I didn't get your name down, I'm having a block right now.

One creature that joined the ride, that I can't forget, is this dude. Yeah, he's back and he's sprinting like Canvendish being humped by Cipolini on crack. You know who I mean ... if you don't just take a trip down memory lane in this classic Crazy Bastard Adam McIntyre production.

Do the Bastards know how to ride in mud, or don't they? After the wallowing the gunk, they had the right tools in the trunk to clean up. Not one, but two power washers were blasting away in the parking lot of Tuesday night.

Big Mac power washing his trusty Ridley. He also washed the moving bits on my bike. Thanks Adam, that makes about the 876th bike you've washed this year.

Dave Staublin aka Blue Kona Dave also had a power washer going on Tuesday, as well. Here he is cleaning the thing that holds the stoker off the ground - that's right bike mechanics, it's the rear wheel.

Let me get that last little piece of crap out the cassette. Gotcha!

Good news is that some day the roads will dry out. Other news is that the time is going to change so now we can see beyond the small cone of light from our headlamps. When we're riding in the daylight the scenery is so much beautiful. Plus you can see why certain guys never made it back to the parking lot and why their car has been parked their for two weeks.

I thought I hear somebody yell back there. Now I know what happened to old what's his face.

So to answer the King of Kill and Kulinary Delights, my answer is that I think I'm going to ride downtown tonight. I think I'll try and leave the vicinity of Founders around 6.

MORE SPRING KITS: LOOKING THROUGH ROSE COLORED OAKLEYS

In the pink for the 2012 Cycling Season - she seems to think so. You'll need to zip that up so we can read the sponsor logo young lady. Or not.

It's probably so long since the last "Spring Kit" review you've probably forgotten how we were all over the black and white, and white and white and just plain white kits that seemed to be popping up everywhere. Well as we get closer to the season finally rolling out, we're seeing red ... and pink and a bunch of rose color kits all over the internets, and that thing they call Facebook.

 Our favorite women in pink cycling team - the Real Women Tri. Yeah there are some familiar faces, and while they may look sweet in this photo, their are some real toughies in this bunch. Good luck in 2012 ladies.

There's a bunch of pink kits on the loose already this year. I don't know where they're from, but they're rocking some nice pink. And how about those glasses?

From pink for the girls to full on red for the boys. I was once on a team that had red bib shorts and let me tell you that was one humiliating season - and not just because I was crap on the bike. If I was this guy I'd find a little taller bike for the team photo. Yeah, bring that top tube a little higher will ya? He sure looks happy.

At least they can share their shame. An what's with the rest of the management team in black? They look like undertakers. Nice photo direction too - put your hand on your hip, rest your elbow on Adolph's neck, have you helmet float in the air, sit down and put your hands on your hips, and put on your reading glasses while your at it.

If you insist on wearing an entire red riding kit, here's the way to do it. You can tell she's going fast, her handlebar streamers are flying!

Wear red, or whatever you like tonight if you plan on riding. I'm hoping that the cold weather has finally dried up those damn roads. See you Bastards later. Let me know if your rolling, or if you're going to be late so I can nap in the car until you arrive.

THURSDAY NIGHT URBAN RIDE - HOW DID THEY KNOW IT WOULD BE SO GOOD?

Thanks to Aaron "Kill 'Em, Klean 'Em and Kook "Em," (pictured above on his way to our first urban night ride) we had no problems on last night's ride. Everyone was so friendly, it was amazing!

Our first Crazy Bastard/Stupid Bastard Urban assault ride was a complete success. A success in the fact that nobody got picked off by a car, a bus, a gun or any of the other things that you can get picked-off by in Grand Rapids. We had Tall Steve, Aaron I'll Hunt You Down Huntington, Laura Cupcake Melendez, Craig Flying Bats Rawling, and myself along for a ride which roamed everywhere from downtown to EGR, to the Hills above the West Side and beyond. It was such a success that you can see it's already spreading to other cities. Fortunately we weren't all kitted up like it was UCI sanctioned road race ... it was easier to fit in with the people at Founders, later on - but just a note - no jeans allowed! Uck!

The video below has nothing to do with urban riding but everything to do with one of the best women cyclocrossers in the world. Daphne Vanderbrand, who always raced in pigtails, just retired. None of this is in English, so you can't understand a thing but it's still fascinating to watch ...

URBAN RIDE TONIGHT - HAVING FUN WITHOUT MUD AND HATING ON THE BIKE LANES

Bike lanes? Bike lanes? We don't need no stinking bike lanes?  You have to watch this video, it's hilarious to the point of being ludicrous*

Before I invite you to join me in an Urban ride tonight, I have to tell you that yesterday I got one load of shit from people that knew I was a biker,  telling me what they thought about the new bike lanes going in in Grand Rapids right now. To them they seem useless and out of place, and a waste of the cities money. Frankly, looking at some of the locations that have been picked for bike lanes, I have agree, and while they may look good to you on a bike, they mean absolutely nothing to the idiots that drive in this town. If you didn't know that Grand Rapids was a bike hating town, you will now. There's some pissed off car drivers out there now. All I have to say about the whole thing, is I think it's all ludicrous*.

Let's hope we don't have any incdents if we try an urban Crazy Bastard Ride tonight. Getting tazered in last night was enough!

While I love a good mud ride, riding in a 6-inch deep gumbo maybe just a little too much for even me  to stomach (especially after trashing one entire drivetrain this winter). It was suggested at one of the last "Apres Ride Drinking Session" that we try an urban ride if the roads out in our "Natural Loop" remained too muddy to ride. So I'm proposing that tonight we meet at Founders and do some "Urban Touring".  So lets meet at 6, and give it a try, what do you say? We'll need lights, as always, handmade prison weapons, basically same stuff as usual. I did this last Tuesday by myself in the rain and it was a hoot. Also bring a bike lock in case we stop for refreshments along the way.

Here's a long, boring and British take on Urban Riding. 

The biggest thing I got out of this video was the fact that I don't use the word "Ludicrous" enough. And while "Car Hater" is pretty particular about his roads. I think the whole thing is just ludicrous*.

Here's another Urban Ride of sorts in some place called Canada.

Watch this video (above) an learn not what to wear. I don't care if it does rain tonight, please, now tall rubber boots. Kiddy bikes, or even that 26 that Tony rides are okay.

Yeah Tony, bring this one tonight. At least you won't have to worry about having it stolen.

In case you missed it, here's a dramatic reenactment of me getting tazered before I could ride on a muddy trail or park last night. This may look bad, but it's probably better than the brutal social media blanket party I would have received had I actually "rutted"somewhere out there.

Let me know if you plan on riding tonight, or if you think this ride is just a stupid idea. Like our other rides aren't stupid? Charging the lights now.