BASTILLE DAY THURSDAY NIGHT BASTARD RIDE

You can have your ride, and eat your cake too, you Bastille Riding Bastards, you.

Excited about Bastille Day Ride tonight? More than this guy, I'll bet. Hey wake up JazzY Jeff!

Last call on the  Bastille Day ride tonight, sounds lie we've got a bunch slated to roll out at 6, at Townsend Park. A regular Jail Break, French-style. Call someone you know if you're running late, we'll wait. How long depends on how much we really, really, like you. If we don't like you we'll probably leave early ... and from an undisclosed location. See you Bastards tonight!

I QUIT! YOU WISH ... (CRAZY BASTARD RIDE THIS THURSDAY)

No, I'm not quitting on cycling, though I'm sure that would really break a lot of hearts, but I do believe, as of 1:30 p.m. today, after a good lunch and a little thought, that I won't being going to Grattan for the rest of the season. Below is just one of the reasons why - this was a long distance shot taken by Julie McGraw. You can see her complete photo stream at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliemcgraw/sets/72157627010742357/

UP and at AT 'EM! In the air and going the wrong direction is not a good thing kids.

Why do you ask might someone who hasn't missed a Wednesday night Grattan race for years finally sign-off? (Unless seeing the above close-up wasn't enough!) Because for the last few weeks when I think of Grattan, here's what comes to mind:

The wheel I just ate: tastes like Zipp, but it could be Easton-flavored. Yum!

In case you can't tell this is an X-Ray of a sprinter with his lead-out man's (or one of the young teenagers now recruited as "lead-out fodder" as I like to call those adorable little tykes) with a carbon fiber wheel inserted in his or her face. It's the ultimate in what is known as "sucking wheel."

Crashes, wheelchairs, meat wagons,  vocal recriminations and a total disregard for fellow riders' safety have finally turned the G-Way racing switch to off, for me.

Another sure sign that it's time to hang-up the G-Way race shoes was the introduction of the new G-Way Points Leader jersey:

The new X-Ray Sprinter's Jersey saves time in the ER. And it shows the world what you're full of!

In keeping with the new X-Ray-Race theme the G-Way also has a new vehicle for removing the broken bodies of the sprinters (both A and B) from the finishing straight.

Yeah, that's you fast guy, with bike and body up in the front-loader.

While I could pick away all day on the recklessness of G-Way riders, perhaps the crash-o-rama virus that has infencted the race is  that is "going around." Check out this video of last week's Detroit Criterium Cat 5 sprint finish.

Hey, look-out tent! You're in my way!

For those who like crash photos, there are some spectacular shots online and on FaceBook, of last week's B finish at the G-Way. It looks more like a bicycle "high jumping" competition, than a bike race.

So what's next you might ask after quitting the G-Way? Well how about a long winding road to a fun season of cyclocross? Yeah, that sounds good. To get started on the right (and hopefully unbroken foot) several Bastards are planning to roll out of Townsend at 6 pm tomorrow (Thursday 07.14.11). Come out and join us.

Remember this kind of riding? It's happening tomorrow. Grab your crosser and join us.

Instead of a leader's jersey for tomorrow night's ride, we will be awarding "Leader Shorts" instead for generally good and thoughtful riding. But we are going to stick with the X-Ray theme, just to keep some continuity to our crazy season ...

It says X-Ray. But how come you can't see through 'em?

RACE REPORT: THE RAW AND THE COOKED

Sprint = time to fill'er up!

The phone has been vibrating off the hook today, at least I think it was my phone, with calls concerning the  race at the G-Way last night. While I haven't been able to shed light on the total body count, and extent of the exact injuries, as far as I know the most serious injury was a broken collarbone. Thanks God. It looked much worse. And let's hope that  is the absolute worst of it. As for the quote about filling up the Meatwagon (above) ... not mine ... I overhead this gem issued by a racer while leaving the track last night - a track scattered with bloody bodies and broken bikes at the B-Sprint finale. It looked like a bomb had gone off.

This is the second time, in the last three weeks, that an extra one of these (below) has been called to the G-Way. Two weeks ago a young man suffered a horrifying crash in the A's on the last lap which left him with a broken hip and confined to a wheelchair.

Another one coming to get you. But we hope not.

I could sense that there was going to be some kind of accident on the G-Way last night, sooner or later. I was howling about the sketchy riding all night long, and specifically sharing my opinion on some of the younger riders' mad riding skillz with commentary that sounded a lot like this:

When asked by a father of a son who had raced, and survived the ordeal intact, if he should tell the boy's mother about the race and the accident I suggested this:

"You know that horrible tsunami that hit Japan this year?"

"Yes."

"Well this wasn't as bad."

Just as I was finishing today's post some cycling spam popped up on the computer with this compelling and ployful question:

Hey Surly, 

What makes you EXCITED about your cycling?

What SPECIFICALLY?

Explore your ANSWERS in today's PODCAST and 

unlock unlimited cycling potential for years to come...

Hey online marketing dorks, know what makes me really excited about cycling? 

Getting home in one fucking piece.

HOW I MISSPENT MY SUMMER-BASTARD VACATION

It seem like forever since the last posting. I wish that I could say that I was busy training for the Tour de France, or the Tour de West Side, but I was just working and getting fat behind the computer. Boo-hoo, huh.

While I may have been chained to the computer, I wasn't totally sequestered, and news about the outside world did reach the Bastard Cave-HQ, and so I have some knowledge of what has been happening out there among those still living the "Life."

Oh man, what is there about a TT that doesn't hurt?

I missed more races and TT than ever this year. The question is have I really missed them. Above check out this classic shot of our good friend Tom Link on the line grimacing in expectation of the pain to come - or is it something else? Hey where is that guy's hand?

At least he's in good company ... I guess. This guy looks like he's enjoying Cippo's hand.

Tom Burke - Married Man. And cruise director, apparently.

The other big news in our cycling community has to be the marriage of Tom Burke and Ellie this spring. It looks like "Cruise Director" Tom is approaching married life the same way he approaches cycling training: systematically and scientifically. "Clipboard. Check. Whistle. Check. Stopwatch. Check. Now let's get this marriage in shape!" 

Unfortunately things don't always go according to plan, Tom.

While Tom may think he's laying out a training plan for the marriage to come, he may be in for a big surprise. Yeah it's not a race season Tom, it is a marriage, and you have to duck occassionally since you have decided to marry a woman. I'd go easy on the whistle from the looks of this gal. Congratulations you two lovely kids!

While I may not have been TTing, Road Racing much, or getting married, I have been doing a few mountain bike rides. Below are some photos of a recent adventure where I tried to kill Betty and Cupcake in one short loop of the game area.

Cupcake on a Bastard-style mountain bike adventure

A little crash damage. Thanks for the bike Surly. It sucks.

Cupcake spent so much time in the woods that trees were beginning to grow out of her shoes.

I have made it out to Grattan a few times. Sure people were glad to see me. Yeah they were. Miss those Surly rants, did ya? Well there's always something different out on the track. Just check this out - a man completely encased in performance compression clothing. It's a wonder he can breath, or walk.

 Fast Freddy in full compression mode. Why is he smiling? Doesn't that hurt being squeezed all over?

 Everywhere you look, a Swanzy could be looking back at you.

While I may not have been riding much, I have been eating quite well, and have quaffed a few glasses of fairly good but inexpensive wine in the process. Stopping by Grill 1111111 in Rockford I have had the opportunity to mingle with the S&M Team, who uses Grill 111111111111 for team headquarters.

 An S&M Manager tests a performance enhancing energy drink. Yeah, I like Sangria flavoring too.

The winner! Honey your trophy is so huge!

The Best thing about the Team S&M style is that you can actually win races while eating and drinking in the bar. These are my kind of cyclists! If I didn't have a great team, along with 8 million dollars worth of team kit, I'd join up, fill my water bottle with Sangria, and sprint for appetizers.

THURSDAY NIGHT CLOSED SEASON BASTARD RIDE

Werdy One has come up with the great idea of having an out-of-season-ride, or closed-season ride tomorrow night. So if you see signs like these:

Pay no fucking attention to them. The ride is on.

The same idiocy that is the mark of every Bastard ride kicks off from the place at the same place, in Townsend Park. However, to make it slightly confusing roll time has been moved back to 6:30, instead of 6, since we've changed time zones.

This is the time zone we're living in now, I guess. Thanks Werdy, we're enjoying the new time and place.

Here's the official word from Werdy, who's in charge of this total disastor:

I'm planning on dirt roads Thursday night out at Townsend.  Wheels roll at 6:30.  Roll your own pace but plan to re-group at stop signs to keep it together.  Roughly 30 to 35 miles depending on what the group feels like.

Jeff F.

Jeff F appears to be another name he uses, but I'm not sure who this guy is. Anyway, I'm planning on joining in on the fun - that is if I don't die from grabbing valuable rain points tonight at Grattan.

Should I live through tonight, and make it to tomorrow's Bastard Ride I planning on going to the HC,  and drinking some of these later:

See you Bastards tomorrow (Thursday Night - June 16).

ARE MOON PIES REALLY PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS FOR TODAY'S CYCLIST?

Yeah, the only One on the Planet. And for good reason. They taste like crap.

Are Moon Pies performance enhancing drugs for cyclists? Sounds like email spam bullshit doesn't it? Yet could it be that Moon Pies are really performance enhancers? Just last week, at Grattan of all places, I saw some high-performance racers, who either knew something I didn't, or should have known better, gobbling Moon Pies. If you don't believe me, well, here's some proof.

Who could be eating those Moon Pies right after a hot race?

Maybe this Crazy Bastard. Yeah, kids it's Slayer. Make sure your doors are locked.

These people are discerning gourmets.Yeah they know good food. And they know how to make those bicycles go fast too. What would they think about Moon Pies?

To see if the Moon Pie Performance theory (I forget what that theory is right now) had any validity at all I had some people, people who know something about food and cycling performance, try Moon Pies. I  recorded their reactions in a very unscientific manner. 

Sure enough, just the mention of a Moon Pie made them look like this.

So then I tried Moon Pies out on a not-so-discerning subject. Yeah, this Bitch will eat anything. My dog is part goat. But she can mountain bike like a monster.

So Betty, what did you think of the Moon Pie?

This is my dog vomiting all over the Grandpa Van. Disgusting. And disturbing. Thanks Betty! Thanks Moon Pie!

Just to be sure about Moon Pies, I thought,  like Dr. Jekyl before he turned into Mr. Hyde, that I better try one out on myself. Just one bite was all it would take ...

Just what I thought: It taste like spun fiberglass wrapped with dried tar with just a hint of dog-shit.

As soon as I quit puking I'm going to pin a number on and head out to Grattan. See you Bastards there.

FRANKENMUTH RACE REPORT - OR THE BOOB AFTER THE FALL, PIGMY GOATS, DOGS, ICE CREAM BEER AND BIG WHEELS

So now you tell me Ice Cream isn't a performance enhancer. Thanks for nothing Lance!

While I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Frankenmuth this past weekend, and commend the organizers on a job well done, my own race report falls in the "epic fail" category. Fried chicken and ice cream (see above - hey it comes with the family style meal that I the night before okay), just didn't cut it as race fuel. But it was pretty tasty. Yum-yum.

Here's my team. Yeah go team! All I want to know is where were you when I was getting my ass popped off the back?

I thought beer had carbs in it. Wrong again, apparently Dr. Ferrari. Well those few fine brews I slammed back the night before never made it down to my legs. But at least I had plenty to think about as I was getting my pathetic ass blown off the back.

My race shorts (modeled above by Fritz) also didn't help the "cycling" situation.

In the spirit of the Tour de Frankenmuth I also opted for traditional Lederhosen instead of my normal race kit. You'd think that it would be uncomfortable, but by using all that left-over mashed potatoes from my "all you can-eat-family-style-chicken-dinner-at-Zenders" from the night before, I was quite comfortable. Not very fast, but comfortable. I just hope that was gravy running down my leg ...

Leather shorts full of mashed potatoes. Yeah this was my race face.

Well racing wasn't the only thing going on in town last weekend. Frankenmuth was hoppin' with action, dog shows, flower shows ...

Yappy shit-dogs like this were everywhere. Disgusting little animals. But cute. In a disgusting way.

 

This is a pygmy goat. Like you couldn't get a dog this small?

There were even humans pretending to be animals. I missed the Chicken, but you can bet there was a human chicken.

But back to the racing. While my pathetic effort surely sucked, others put out some performance they should be proud of. I met and interviewed the gentleman below who won the Cat 6 Men over 55. I caught up with him just after he removed the aerodynamic wheel cover (disc wheel) from his big wheel. He told me that the massive cover acted like a sail and pulled him away from the pack, and onto victory.

Butch and his 19th Century Penny Farthing. Beautiful bike. With a disc wheel up front he is virtually unbeatable in the Cat 6 Men's 55+

Butch was pretty proud of his ride. How much carbon do you think he was rockin,"

A better view of the winner bike and rider. Oh how I wish I was Butch!

While Butch may have made meat out of the old geezers in his race, I wonder if he could do this ... maybe he could. Who knows what you could do with a big wheel like that!