I'LL HAVE MUD WITH THAT RIDE AND A SIDE OF CRUD, THANKS

To answer your question about "how was the mud on Tuesday," Aaron, I hope this tells you what you wanted to know

Aaron "Kill em, Klean em and Kook, Em" was one of many, well maybe the only person really, to ask about conditions on Tuesday, and the possibility of foreseeing what the conditions could be like tonight. While I have first hand experience of what conditions were on Tuesday - everything from hard-pack and sand, to slick slop on bottomless ruts - I can't really see in the future. But maybe from the following report and cross referencing with today's weather, maybe you can guess.

Cold weather last week had Julie Boonen wearing some heavy numbers to keep her warm.

81,192 matter of fact. While they made a fashion statement in the cold (see the snow in the background, they weren't needed on an almost balmy Tuesday night ride.

On Tuesday Julie wore a sleeveless shirt, a lot like the one pictured above, because she said it was "too warm for a jacket." Of course this is just a dramatic recreation of Julie Boonen's riding apparel on Tuesday, we missed the shot - but you can tell this isn't Julie because this young woman isn't blond. But you noticed that right away, right?

Tuesday was a great ride - except for the mud bogs we encountered around the loop. We had about 15 riders, all of whom I cannot remember right now - We did have Dave S and Mariposa bravely chugging through the goo on their tandem, Big Kahuna, Big Mac, Mike K, Redline Bastard, Bob S, and many more ... forgive me if I didn't get your name down, I'm having a block right now.

One creature that joined the ride, that I can't forget, is this dude. Yeah, he's back and he's sprinting like Canvendish being humped by Cipolini on crack. You know who I mean ... if you don't just take a trip down memory lane in this classic Crazy Bastard Adam McIntyre production.

Do the Bastards know how to ride in mud, or don't they? After the wallowing the gunk, they had the right tools in the trunk to clean up. Not one, but two power washers were blasting away in the parking lot of Tuesday night.

Big Mac power washing his trusty Ridley. He also washed the moving bits on my bike. Thanks Adam, that makes about the 876th bike you've washed this year.

Dave Staublin aka Blue Kona Dave also had a power washer going on Tuesday, as well. Here he is cleaning the thing that holds the stoker off the ground - that's right bike mechanics, it's the rear wheel.

Let me get that last little piece of crap out the cassette. Gotcha!

Good news is that some day the roads will dry out. Other news is that the time is going to change so now we can see beyond the small cone of light from our headlamps. When we're riding in the daylight the scenery is so much beautiful. Plus you can see why certain guys never made it back to the parking lot and why their car has been parked their for two weeks.

I thought I hear somebody yell back there. Now I know what happened to old what's his face.

So to answer the King of Kill and Kulinary Delights, my answer is that I think I'm going to ride downtown tonight. I think I'll try and leave the vicinity of Founders around 6.

MORE SPRING KITS: LOOKING THROUGH ROSE COLORED OAKLEYS

In the pink for the 2012 Cycling Season - she seems to think so. You'll need to zip that up so we can read the sponsor logo young lady. Or not.

It's probably so long since the last "Spring Kit" review you've probably forgotten how we were all over the black and white, and white and white and just plain white kits that seemed to be popping up everywhere. Well as we get closer to the season finally rolling out, we're seeing red ... and pink and a bunch of rose color kits all over the internets, and that thing they call Facebook.

 Our favorite women in pink cycling team - the Real Women Tri. Yeah there are some familiar faces, and while they may look sweet in this photo, their are some real toughies in this bunch. Good luck in 2012 ladies.

There's a bunch of pink kits on the loose already this year. I don't know where they're from, but they're rocking some nice pink. And how about those glasses?

From pink for the girls to full on red for the boys. I was once on a team that had red bib shorts and let me tell you that was one humiliating season - and not just because I was crap on the bike. If I was this guy I'd find a little taller bike for the team photo. Yeah, bring that top tube a little higher will ya? He sure looks happy.

At least they can share their shame. An what's with the rest of the management team in black? They look like undertakers. Nice photo direction too - put your hand on your hip, rest your elbow on Adolph's neck, have you helmet float in the air, sit down and put your hands on your hips, and put on your reading glasses while your at it.

If you insist on wearing an entire red riding kit, here's the way to do it. You can tell she's going fast, her handlebar streamers are flying!

Wear red, or whatever you like tonight if you plan on riding. I'm hoping that the cold weather has finally dried up those damn roads. See you Bastards later. Let me know if your rolling, or if you're going to be late so I can nap in the car until you arrive.

THURSDAY NIGHT URBAN RIDE - HOW DID THEY KNOW IT WOULD BE SO GOOD?

Thanks to Aaron "Kill 'Em, Klean 'Em and Kook "Em," (pictured above on his way to our first urban night ride) we had no problems on last night's ride. Everyone was so friendly, it was amazing!

Our first Crazy Bastard/Stupid Bastard Urban assault ride was a complete success. A success in the fact that nobody got picked off by a car, a bus, a gun or any of the other things that you can get picked-off by in Grand Rapids. We had Tall Steve, Aaron I'll Hunt You Down Huntington, Laura Cupcake Melendez, Craig Flying Bats Rawling, and myself along for a ride which roamed everywhere from downtown to EGR, to the Hills above the West Side and beyond. It was such a success that you can see it's already spreading to other cities. Fortunately we weren't all kitted up like it was UCI sanctioned road race ... it was easier to fit in with the people at Founders, later on - but just a note - no jeans allowed! Uck!

The video below has nothing to do with urban riding but everything to do with one of the best women cyclocrossers in the world. Daphne Vanderbrand, who always raced in pigtails, just retired. None of this is in English, so you can't understand a thing but it's still fascinating to watch ...

URBAN RIDE TONIGHT - HAVING FUN WITHOUT MUD AND HATING ON THE BIKE LANES

Bike lanes? Bike lanes? We don't need no stinking bike lanes?  You have to watch this video, it's hilarious to the point of being ludicrous*

Before I invite you to join me in an Urban ride tonight, I have to tell you that yesterday I got one load of shit from people that knew I was a biker,  telling me what they thought about the new bike lanes going in in Grand Rapids right now. To them they seem useless and out of place, and a waste of the cities money. Frankly, looking at some of the locations that have been picked for bike lanes, I have agree, and while they may look good to you on a bike, they mean absolutely nothing to the idiots that drive in this town. If you didn't know that Grand Rapids was a bike hating town, you will now. There's some pissed off car drivers out there now. All I have to say about the whole thing, is I think it's all ludicrous*.

Let's hope we don't have any incdents if we try an urban Crazy Bastard Ride tonight. Getting tazered in last night was enough!

While I love a good mud ride, riding in a 6-inch deep gumbo maybe just a little too much for even me  to stomach (especially after trashing one entire drivetrain this winter). It was suggested at one of the last "Apres Ride Drinking Session" that we try an urban ride if the roads out in our "Natural Loop" remained too muddy to ride. So I'm proposing that tonight we meet at Founders and do some "Urban Touring".  So lets meet at 6, and give it a try, what do you say? We'll need lights, as always, handmade prison weapons, basically same stuff as usual. I did this last Tuesday by myself in the rain and it was a hoot. Also bring a bike lock in case we stop for refreshments along the way.

Here's a long, boring and British take on Urban Riding. 

The biggest thing I got out of this video was the fact that I don't use the word "Ludicrous" enough. And while "Car Hater" is pretty particular about his roads. I think the whole thing is just ludicrous*.

Here's another Urban Ride of sorts in some place called Canada.

Watch this video (above) an learn not what to wear. I don't care if it does rain tonight, please, now tall rubber boots. Kiddy bikes, or even that 26 that Tony rides are okay.

Yeah Tony, bring this one tonight. At least you won't have to worry about having it stolen.

In case you missed it, here's a dramatic reenactment of me getting tazered before I could ride on a muddy trail or park last night. This may look bad, but it's probably better than the brutal social media blanket party I would have received had I actually "rutted"somewhere out there.

Let me know if you plan on riding tonight, or if you think this ride is just a stupid idea. Like our other rides aren't stupid? Charging the lights now.

CYCLING FASHION RED CARPET: THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE BEAUTIFUL AND THE BEATEN

Time to show off the new kit. Yes it looks better than it did on the hanger. Thanks Cupcake!

It's that time of year, and according to Cupcake, featured above bringing the new Priority Health Kit to specatular Cupcake-life, there's nothing like the feel of new Lycra in the morning. I guess it's like Napalm is for Robert Duvall. Everybody is excited about their new kits, and the look of all those new logos that show that somebody (like a Dentist, Footwear Brand, or Bicycle Parts Maker) does love you, and wants you after all, even if your mother thinks you look like a clown in the goofy thing.

See how much better cycling kit looks on people instead of plastic hangers?

It took us some prodding, threats and finally downright bribery for Cupcake to model this year's Priority kit, but for others, well just look around Facebook, or the few cyclists now venturing out and looking for warmth in local coffee shop and you'll see plenty of new kit on display. I've collected a few samples off the "Internets" that I think show the fashion direction that this year's kits are taking. 

THIS JUST IN: Our new Bissell kits are featuring more black, which is a good thing, considering the stuff that flies up of the ground and attaches itself to you while you're riding. We are also all going to be rocking some new facial hair designs in the form of mustaches and goatees. 

If I didn't have a beautiful new team kit that matched my eyes (Red) I'd be wearing this stuff. I love Stomach of Anger gear, and I dig this photo. Also speaking of fashion, check out the black and white spectators (shoes) on the guy on the right. He supplies the "team medicine" I'll bet.

How about a black and white theme, accented with yellow shoes? Hey if you can't carry a purse to add color, use the shoes for that little dash.

If you're Tom Boonen's Sister, or even the popular Julie Whalen, you can rock your all black and blond look from clothes to cycle. Julie uses rims as her accessory color highlight.

How much basic black and blond can you take? I don't know if this a cycling team or that Sorority that only rushed blonds. And just what the hell kind of bike is that?

Let's hear it for the dirty-blond, Italian style. And hey, who says Heroin Chic is dead? Here's a lovely example of the Drugstore Cowgirl Cyclists looking, well, drugged or burnt out on too many esspressos. I can't tell, is she surrendering or making a turn signal?

If it's not black, it's white. Check these dudes out. Want to wear those in the rain? Hey, mister do you have a license to sell that hot dog?

More white with some strange bolts of power going on here and there – plus plenty of little, unreadable logos. His chest looks like some sort of table of elements. And he's looking down like he's ashamed of something. Don't tell me the bibs are white too!

If the boys are wearing white, I don't see why we can't. Races are going to look like an explosion at the French Laundry if this white-white-white trend keeps up. Here, instead of colorful handbags or yellow shoes, the accent is green bar tape. Really goes with the faint fade of Purple on the shoulders. Brilliant!

The ultimate white kit? Yeah he could ride in this thing all day long. Nobody could rock white quite like Larry.

"Zeep" from Matt Roy on Vimeo.

Here's a great video by Red Mill Cyclocrosser Mo Bruno Roy, in Belgium, a small dark country that's covered in mud. Mo shows you how to take care of your white kit. Take note boys and girls, 'cause it's going to get dirty no matter where you ride. The secret is car wash + Zeep = Clean White Kit!

White jersey, and um, no bibs, just some sort of small chamois held in place by a couple of strings. Do those wheels read SRAM or SPAM? Nice riding boots, too. I guess this should be in the black-and-white-and-striper kit column. Sorry, not sorry.

If you're going to wear white or any color "minimalist" kit as a racer or as a spectator (not the shoes this time) expect trouble by the handful. Notice the guy that's going for the "hand-up" is wearing the old and very classic Team "Z" kit.

Here's what the Z racer looked like immediatly after trying to take an "ass" hand-up on the side of the road. Thirsty for more buddy?

Here could be the ultimate team kit for 2012. Solid color, easy to clean, perfectly form fitting and super aerodynamic. It's also easy to accessories with something like socks and a hat. But just where in the hell are you going to put those logos? 

CROSS BASTARD VIDEO MONDAY

For a racer's view of last year's Mad Anthony race in Detroit, sit back and enjoy, once again, the Good Doctor Adam McIntyre's rocket ride around the 2011 course.

With shameless promotions now behind us it's time to start looking ahead. People are already scheduling and planning there lives around races next September. Hard to believe, isn't it? But it looks like a great year is with more races, more fun, and more stupidity than ever before - especially with the Itchaca Grand Prix back in the mix. Aaron "The Kulinary Killer,"was asking last week about Mad Anthony, and I was going to put up a video of race from last year, but found that it is "NO LONGER AVAILABLE" because the producer's have shut down their account. Hmmm. Anyway, AKK, here's one from 2010, that shows you an overview of the course, while not quite the buzz to it as last year's event you'll get an idea of how cool the course and venue is.

Talking about a cool course, venue and vibe, here's a video of the World Championship in Koksijde you may not have seen. It's now thought that there were nearly 70,000 people at this year's WC. Wonder how many there will be in Louisville this year?

The NEW KITS with salacious photographs some crash updates will be up soon. Planning on riding tomorrow if anyone is still able to limp out there. Also putting together a post on all the new bikes that have popped up here in the last year. Want your whip featured? Email me or send it via Facebook.

SHAMELESS BASTARDLY PROMOTIONS

Look at those sweet colors! He loves his bike, he really does, and he wouldn't sell it. At least not to you.

One thing that isn't being sold this weekend during our non-stop slobbering promotional bullshit parade is this bike, above. Tony "Mashem and Leavem" rocked this bad boy at a Muddy-Bastard Ride Thursday night. It doesn't matter what size wheels, or how horrifying the paint scheme, Tony can make anything with 2-wheels roll.

While I don't usually use this blog to shamelessly promote and plug anything other than my own twisted views on the world and cyclocross stuff in general, I've been getting a lot of requests from soon to be formerly good friends to help them promote their causes which include bike sales and upcoming races. Today I had a planned a drop a blog devoted to "Women in Cycling" featuring a bunch of salacious photographs of women cyclists in their new team kits, but unfortunately (if you're some kind of chavenistic pig that like salacious photos), or fortunately, if you have any sense of good taste, or are a woman with any sense of decency, that blog has been pre-empted by this commercial message from the Friends of the Crazy Bastards.

The first item we're selling today is this awesome and yummy Zanconato.

If you know anything about cyclocross culture, there's a good chance you've heard of Zanconato handmade bicycles. They're often seen in full page spreads in Cyclocross Magazine, and are the favored ride of the Hup United Team. Zanconato are just one of handful of handmade cross bikes in the world, and are considered with Richard Sachs and Vanilla  as prized 'cross rides. This bike, pictured above and below is  a 54, with a short, very cross-friendly 53 top-tube. It's a available with a number a gruppo and wheel options ( go here for the full story on that and pricing as it's posted on the Cyclocross Magazine Michigan Group ), and would be the perfect whip for the upcoming Barry Roubaix, Lowell 50, not to mention cross racing all season long and for riding with us Crazy Bastards. The high-end steel frame and crowned fork should eat up the potholes on the dirt roads in awesome fashion. If I had my choice between a carbon cross bike for the BRX or Lowell 50, or our Tuesday or Thursday night rides for that matter, I'd take this one in a HUP-HUP heartbeat. Speedy Chix (yeah you know her) is selling this whip for what I think is a low, low price, and even better yet you can pick it up locally without all the shipping bullshit. Like me, Speedy Chix  has too many cross bikes and this one, which she snatched up from the original seller because she just had to have a Zanconato, doesn't quite fit her. But as it is a 54, with a short top  tube, it will fit a lot of people ... uh, like me. Remember you have to get on a waiting list and wait years for a bike like this.

Sweet details and paint job on these custom bikes. Note the frites on the seat-stays. Nice! It's a wonder how those stays stay so slender eating all those fries covered in mayo.

My favorite view of the bike. I guess you can get it with SRAM or Shimano and some other wheel choices -check the go to link for information right here. 

While you'd be put on a waiting list and wait years for a Richard Sachs (Richard also makes you give him your first born child I hear), and the same for a Vanilla or Zanconato, you can get this one today! Not only  that, Speedy Chix is also throwing in THIS LITTLE FRITES EATING KID AS FREE RACE MECHANIC! (You just have to return her safe and sound to her parents after the race.) She's an easy keeper and only wants to be paid for her wrenching in frites and mayo, oh and some Slurpies to wash it all down. She's old enough right now to start working in the race pits, the only problem is when she hands you a bike the bars are usually covered in mayonaise. I think that's an awesome deal, don't you?*

*Okay it's not a real deal.

 NEXT UP: ITHACA GRAND PRIX OF CYCLOCROSS REGISTRATION NOW OPEN!

Since learning that the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back on I've been wearing my sweet Ithaca cap 24/7. Yeah I sleep in it. I also wear these white glasses so everyone knows I'm a biking dude. I mean white sunglasses in February, are you f*cking kidding me?

 That's right kids, the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back, and if you register before September 1st, you could, might, oh yeah,  you might possibly  get  this snazzy IGPC T-shirt.

Yes, one of our most favorite ever freakin' ever Michigan cyclocross races ever has finally returned! The Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back for 2012 under the command of JB Hancock, presented by Token Products and hosted by those cross-loving knuckle-heads who always have a cooler of beer in the tent and their vomit all over the course, TEAM SANDBAG! This year's race is going to be part of the STOMACH OF ANGER Series we enjoyed so much last year, and promises to be one of the big hits of the season. We're already planning on how many couches, grills, and kegs we need to bring. We're also going to have a contest to give away 3 free race registrations, but we have to figure out how to do it. I'd like it to go to 1) someone who had no intention of going and will be forced or shamed into with a free race or 2) Someone who really needs, which excludes all of you reading this so don't even think about it, just figure out who we can sucker with #1.

THE LOWELL 50 RETURNS -  THE THRILLA AFTER THE KILLA

Just one of the roads you'll be racing on in  the Lowell 50. Hopefully you won't be breaking the 15 ton regulation ya big lardy.

The Thrilla After The Killer, the Lowell 50 is back once again and hits the roads just the week after the Barry Roubaix. If you didn't get into the BRX, or just want to keep eating a solid diet of dirt roads, hills and humiliation,  this is your bet, and you can register now. We'll put a full race flyer a little later on - heaven forbid we stop with the shameless promotional bullshit around here.