Lowah Huron: Go Away! Can't You See I'm Racing?

It's good to be Queen Ann. This is Her Ladyship, Lower Huron 2012: "Not now you cheesy little blogger! I'm on the phone with someone far more important than you!" Well, Ann who isn't more important than me. I with you there. And congratulations on another great ride and win. Queen Ann reigns, even in the rain. Or even when it doesn't rain. 

Speaking of rain, it was almost "Biblical" with like 40-hours and 40 minutes of rain before race day. This is shot from the balcony of my luxurious Four-Star Hotel. I was up all night sharpening the fangs on my Limus tires for what I thought would be an epic mud race the next day.

In the morning the rain stopped and this was the only water to be found on the course, which this tiny cyclocross racer found and started playing in immediately. Yeah, no rain, 70+ degrees, it was almost balmy. The Lower Huron course was drained and there was very little mud anywhere and the grass was purrrrrfect. One of my favorite courses of all time. Great to have it back on the calendar.

Here's a great look at the course in Adam's latest video. It's the last lap and he has been leading for the entire race. Just as they entered the last lap Brad Lako bridged up from the chasing group and latched on to Adam and pulled to the front. Jump on board for a great look at this fantastic course, and the exciting finish. Guess who wins?

Early in the race Big Mac pulled out a gap. This was probably it. Brad Lako is right behind, paddling a bit. It took him five laps to catch Adam.

And here's how it all finished. See the video for how it looked from Adam's handlebars.

Just in case you thought they were racing for 6th or something, here's the podium of the Men's U-39 2-3-4s.

Adam with more hardware in 2012. I think the Michigan Scene said he might get a few podiums. I'd think again TMS.

In other Lower Huron new, The Killer Chihauhua brought his own team, Team Mustache, Mr. Mustache Guy, and his lovely wife to the race.

Has cupcake gone over to Team Mustache? She was rocking these Mustache socks in the Women's Elite Race.

Here's Cupcake, and her Team Mustache Socks, stepping on the gas and coming toward the Start/Finish pavement. Remember pavement in cyclocross? Yes, it's back where it belongs.

I'm still having delusions of thinking that I'm still "all that" and starting in the front row. I managed to take out about four racers in the first turn onto the grass. Think I feel bad about it? No way! 

Proof that I actually finished a race for a change. Looks like I'm still in the hooks from the gun to the final lap. Did I ever get out of them? Lazy Bastard.

Can you say hole shot? Sarah McIntyre puts the spurs to her bike at the start of the Women's Cat 4. Why is that woman on the right laughing? Doesn't she know this is supposed to hurt? I'll have her talk to Slayer.

The Battle of Cat 4 Women continues. Sarah and Nancy slugging it out on the back stretch heading to the lower level of Lower Huron. It's the low point of the race, down in fun-land by the river. Somewhere out on course these two got tangled up and started gouging each other eyes.

Here's what goes on in the Women's races when you're not looking. Yeah it's tough out there - and they're no ladies out there!

See what I mean? Nancy and Sarah made it onto the podium but they are still looking for the winners body down by the river ...

The Ups and Downs of Flying Hoof Cyclocross Racing

The first Cross Bike to do full laps on the Flying Hoof Ranch course ever - this is it - caught as it happened by Julie McGraw. This is the close as I'll come to getting a "first" this year, that's for sure. Thanks to Julie McGraw Photography for this shot. Check out all the photos she shot of you at Julie McGraw Photography. They're awesome shots, even if you aren't. 

FLYING HOOF RANCH CYCLOCROSS ENDURO RACE OCTOBER 13, 2012

The 'cross season is in full swing with races everywhere right now. I'm looking in my backyard right now, matter of fact, to see if there is a race going on this afternoon.

In your own backyard, this weekend, there's a cyclocross race (of sorts) happening at the Flying Hoof Ranch at 3230 Obrien, in Walker, near the site of the Versluis Snowcross races of years past. This course has seen a lot of mountain bike action this year, and is a pretty sweet course. If you want to pre-register, and find out more details, you can go right here  Flying Hoof Ranch Race Registration. 

ENDURO RACING = HOW MUCH CAN I TAKE OF THIS SHIT AND FOR HOW LONG?

The racing, which starts at noon and offers classes for Experts, Intermediates and Kids, is described as a Cyclocross-Enduro race, which is pretty interesting since I consider every cyclocross race an "endurance" event, meaning how much of this shit can I take before I quit. Anyway the idea is that Experts will see how many laps they can do in 60-minutes which is pretty much what a cross race is only the number of laps are decided after the leaders cross the line after the first ... oh well, it will end being the fastest guy or gal will win, I think, which is pretty much a bike race. I think adding the word "ENDURO" makes it sound harder, which is the image that mountain bikers are always going for, and this is pretty much a mountain biker concept of a cyclocross race - not that that makes much difference.

MOUNTAIN BIKE COURSE OR CYCLOCROSS COURSE?

This is what the Flying Hoof course designer thinks traditional cyclocross courses look like - flat parking lots covered with scrawny and whimpy-ass hipsters on converted road bikes.

On recent reconnaissance of the course with Cupcake, suggested by the Farmer, who said this was the hardest-toughest-cyclocross course he had ever ridden, we met with the host of the Flying Hoof Ranch and course designer. He told us that this course wasn't like a traditional cyclocross course, which in his words, were pretty much riding around flags in a parking lot. Next year will have to take both he and the Farmer to the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross.

Being a whimpy-ass roadie and cyclocross racer, with delusions of hipsternessishness, this is what the Flying Hoof Rank Cyclocross looked to me on the first ride.

The course is described on the Flying Hoof's  micro site (goes with the micro beers mountain bikers drink I think) aptly and thusly: 

"The Ranch is a private course that is both technical and challenging. It consists of hills, bridges, log piles, flat tops, and much more." 

The "much more" part we discovered were deep trenches that had been dug for defensive positions in World War I, to prevent Walker from being overrun by the terrible "Hun."

TAKE A RIDE, DESCENT AND CLIMB WITH CUPCAKE AND I THROUGH THE CYCLOCROSS VALLEY OF FLYING HOOF BARRIERS AND DROPS OF ENDURO CYCLOCROSS RACING!

Dismount at the barrier (in background) and then descend down this deep drop. I backed down it with the bike behind me. Cupcake's form was much better than mine.

Down, down into the trench of enduro cyclocross racing she goes. Will she make it alive?

Now Cupcake begins the climb back out of the Enduro Trench. There are two of these per lap by the way.

Still climbing, she's just about out. I'm just worried about the machine gun fire when she goes over the top.

I'm blurred with exhaustion just watching her get out of that pit, but she's smiling. So how many laps in 1 hour could you do?

SO WHAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT WOULD YOU SUGGEST FOR ENDURO CYCLOCROSS RACING?

This is what I always say when someone says use a mountain bike instead of a cross bike. Yeah, I'm a big baby.

I don't know who I'm asking or telling at this point. The promoter and designer hinted that you might want to use a mountain bike instead of a cyclocross bike, but I'm never inclined to go in that direction, no matter how bad of an idea it is. With all the beat-up bad-ass-rough courses we've done this year a lot of people have wished, or opted for mountain bikes over cyclocross bikes. Know how many have gotten on the podium? Freakin' Zero. While it may feel more comfortable on a mountain bike, if you can ride a cyclocross bike on the course, a cross bike will be faster - it may feel like crap, but it will be faster. And this case, a cross bike might be easier to huck out of that trench over and over again.

If I were to use specialized equipment for this race I might include these pieces of gear:

Some of this stuff might come in handy, especially at the trenches.

You also might want to work on some specialized barrier work. Now how am I going to carry that bike again?

Possible winners of the Flying Hoof Enduro Cyclocross Enduro Race? A good bet might be the Farmer, pictured at the top of one of the Flying Hoof's many climbs, still looking fresh, and years younger.

But my money is on this guy to win the Flying Hoof Stampede Cyclocross Enduro Race (I need an oxygen tank just to get the whole name out). Yeah,  that's the first loser below him. Eat it bitches!, he said.

If you want to see what a good cyclocross course should like (yeah it's not a parking lot)  pop your eyes at this thing. A hard race isn't just defined by a course that is hard or  difficult to get around, it means racing hard - and that often depends more on who you are racing, than the course.

JUST A SHY, RETIRING GUY. WELL RETIRING, ANYWAY

This is how you should make a proper retirement speech - in your favorite smoking jacket, seated on your favorite tiger-skin throne.

Unfortunately there have been a lot of somewhat harsh and disparaging words bantered about concerning recent Crazy Bastard rides (as well as a lot of supportive and undeserved kind ones, too, thank you) so I'm here, in my smoking jacket, seated on my favorite tiger-seat, to restate what it was I was driving at in the now-vanished Stop-Sign Face Book post for the folks out there that can't-read-so-good. I'll type real slow this time. I just wanted you to know that I am retiring (until after ICE MAN is over anyway) from the Tuesday and Thursday ride since in my view it is unmanageable and foresee (possibly, you can never be certain about this things, it's just a feeling) that there is trouble up the road ahead and I don't wanted to mistakenly responsible for it when it happens. Whoever shows up, whatever you want to do is fine with me, I just don't want any part of it. In no way want do I want to manage your riding style or important training regime. It's a free country and you can roam the roads in the night as you will . I will find other things to do until you have all gone back in your caves to hibernate for the winter - in other words until ICE MAN is over.

What will I do after retiring from the Tuesday and Thursday Night Crazy Bastard rides? Well besides spending way to much time and money chasing miserable results at cross races for the rest of the year, maybe Ill take in a ball game of some kind. Yeah, it looks like fun. Good luck and good riding. Try to be safe!

Upgrade this! Why Move Up When You Can Just Keep Bitching?

You coming or going? I was going to upgrade, but I think I'll just ride this one backwards.

One month in and there's all sorts of chirping about points, upgrades, race categories and so on. I can't figure it all out, really, except to say that I'm going slower and everybody else is getting faster. You can't swing a dead cat right now without hitting a new Master's ++++++ category. Old guys are everywhere. There are more women racing too, which is good, but they still need some of the new, faster blood to step up to Elites. But that's just me.

Maybe there should be special categories for guys like Slayer and DC (Don Cameron, you idiots) to duke it out to the death in a one-on-one cage match. Hey they already run away from the field, why not let them settle this on their own?

How about a category for guys who are really fast but don't give a shit? JB can laugh while Mike drinks and they'd both ride away from me like I've got two flat tires. Jerks.

If you're wondering if you should upgrade (when you shouldn't) while you're on top of the podium and chomping painted metal and wondering where you're going to put another Champs jacket in your closet don't be too hasty ...

... because just like that you could be going from first to practically sight-unseen because of a hole no bigger than a rat bite.

If you ever do think about upgrading, here's a good tutorial on the matter by the genius cartoon people at Xtranormal.

And if you are a real idiot and get tied up in the slippery slope of chasing series points, or you just love talking about how f-king tired you are from doing double races on the weekend (like I do) here's another tasty XtraNormal forwarded by Flying Bats, about doing the double and chasing the points ...

Riding tonight? It could be a mud-bath. Let us know. Start time will be 6:30. I have a special mud bike for nights like these, it doesn't have top end capability, but with a little less in the shifting department it may be more dependable when the going gets deep.

The Dirty Mudder with Gears

Trek XO Cross Bike 54

Redline Pro Carbon/Alloy steer tube fork

Front ring  42 (no brand but usually FSA)

Salsa Chain Guard (44)

Problem Solver Dog Fang inner chainring guard

Cassette 12-27 Miche

Centaur 10 Speed right shifter

Tektro left brake

Ritchey 42 WCS Bars

Ritchey 120 WCS Stem

Thompson Elite Seat Post

Fizik Aliante Saddle

Centaur Rear Mech

Velocity Spartacus Wheels (38 deep?)

Truvative Roulier Cranks 172.5

Crank Bros Candy pedals

Wipperman Chain (mid level)

Origina Pro Cantilever Brakers (wide spooky TRP style)

Velocity Bottle Cage

Planet Bike bar wrap

I'm providing all this stupid information above not because this bike is so special (it's not) but because I'd like featuring your bikes here with all the specs I've literally thrown up here. I think it's great to see what other people run and give the rest of us some ideas on how to set up a bike that works for you, based on the size on performance of riders you know. Send a photo and the specs and I'll put it up here. 

Crazy Crosstober - Bite the Pillow It's Coming in Rough!

Adam Mac's latest creation. How does he make his videos so damn smooth, even when it's rougher than hell? That's a Big Mac secret-video-sauce-secret you'll never know!

A quick report on this last week's cyclocross race action which included a double-race-weekend in Kensington. Like most of the six races we've hit already this season, with the exception of the Grand Prix of Ithaca, these have been rough bastards - especially on a delicate and old Crazy Bastard like me. While the ground at Kensington wasn't as smooth as I would have liked, I have to let the promoters off the hook as the Metro Park people pulled the rug out from under them at the last moment and stuck them with a crappy piece of ground, and not the one they wanted, for this extended weekend. The result was a dusty and dirty ass-kickingly tough and rough course - but the layout was excellent, and as I look back it was still fun to be there. 

The Funny-Bunny-Money-Man-Bunny. Yeah you know you're at a real cross race when you see some guy trippin's balls at the start of the Killer Beeze in a full-on bunny suit. Who was that Bunny that beat me so they all said ...

Unfortunately I don't have any action photos since I was busy when the action was going on. If you go to Ten Mile Media you'll find plenty of  West Side and Crazy Bastards on course including: Nancy Lange, Cupcake, Amy Haney, Slayer (aka Jeff Haney), Adam Mac and me, totally sucking ass. Take a close look at the sprint finish photo on day one between Das German and Adam-Dope-York. York killed it 2-days in a row and looks like the Michigan Elite to beat in 2012. Queen Anne is also back in top form and is the woman to beat this year, as well. Stop by TMS and see what they're saying about it. I'm sure it's hate-filled and ranting. Yeah, we like it.

He's back and badder than ever! And he's still Bob, thank God! he did so many races in two days he almost bled to death from pinning numbers on. Yeah we gave him a transfusion of Cyctomax, GU, and designer artisan coffee.

Yeah, it's the first time we've seen Bob this season, and we were getting worried. The Hard Man of Michigan Cyclocross Bob did an unbelievable 8-races in two days! (C-Men 40+ 30-min., B-Men 40+ 45-min., 45+ Masters 60-min., Single Speed 30-min.)  It's more racing than I've done in a month and I've been to five more races than Bob! And he did it all on a course that had me whimper like a freakin'  baby. Fuck you Bob, you make me look like I suck. I guess because I do.

Adam, Day-1. Day-2 should have seen him on the Big Red One, but ...

Tastes like victory, almost. One Day-2 he got bit in the ass.

Big Mac raced like a champ pulling out a nice third on day one with some spectacular last minute tactics that put him on the podium. On Day-2, his tired legs lit up half-way through the race and he jumped off the lead group to take a commanding lead and an insurmountable gap of about 30-seconds that had him a lock for his first Tailwind Victory ever! Well almost ...

On his way to a win, there was only one thing that could stop him. And it did. Flat!

Adam running it in. From first-to-not, just like that. He did get a big hand from the crowd and the rest of the Bs that stopped by to tip their cap. They were beat, and they knew it. But shit happens.

My prize for the weekend of poor efforts and dying in a sprint for something like 33rd? A cup of this sweet artisan coffee that's ground by hand and pour through some drip cup that takes for ever. I think they even heat the water with a fire they start by rubbing two sticks together. 

I had one of these both days. It was yummy. Like moving to Portland and living in an episode of Portlandia.

Planning on riding tonight? Launch time is 6:30, and my guess is you might need lights.

One Man's Junk is Another Man's Art Prize

VOTE ART PRIZE: 108236 River Bottom Bike 

By the Grand River Van Gogh Brothers

I don't think there is a better way to see Art Prize than by bike. You can circumnavigate the madding crowds, zip in and out of congested traffic (when does the bus for Kentwood leave, again?) and ride by the Way Finders without having to ask them another stupid question - they've had quite enough, thank you. The first art I found along the way was this great bike art, pictured above, created by the Grand River Van Gogh Brothers. I thought, this is the winner in my book. 

The Van Gogh Brothers creating art, one sunken bike at a time, from the bottom of the Grand River, somewhere along North Monroe.

The work of the Van Gogh brothers is simply breathtaking - and kind of stinky since the bikes have been rotting at the bottom of the Grand River for decades.

More fine examples of their work. The Van Gogh Brothers said they had pulled up something like 3--50 bikes in one day. Not to mention a few safes.

An artist's tools in the hands of a master. While some artists may use paint brushes and chisels, the Van Gogh Bros. use a hook and pipe wrench attached to stout ropes. Now that's artistry!

Even though I considered the competition closed after the discovering the Van Gogh Brother's River Bottom Bikes, I continued on my Art Prize journey. Sure there was a lot more crap to see, and most of it above the water, I couldn't help thinking what real Art Prizes were rotting away under water!

Like what about this stuff? I couldn't figure it out at all. I'm thinking about 5-years in river bottom muck would help this exhibition out significantly.

This was kinda of cool. But I didn't have all day waiting for a bird to run into it. I'm guessing that's the idea, right?

I did a drive-by of the Bob Parking lot "Art" feature a giant Lobster-Crab (is it on the menu in the Fish House?). A quick inspection of the stuff inside the Bob Lot revealed a giant outdoor gift shop like you'd find in Lake City, complete with sniveling kids and pissed off parents. Again, the best part of touring Art Prize on two-wheels is you can escape quickly!

ART PRIZE VOTE: 208123 Messy Dog

Artist: Mr. Mustard

This was another one of my favorite Art Prize installations, created by Mr. Mustard under the umbrella. Not only were the colors right on, but this exhibit smelled and tasted great!

Tailer Art! Somehow I think I've seen this before - and done much better by a true trailer-craftsman.

VOTE ART PRIZE: 3033456

The Cyclocross Trailer by Big Mac

Yeah, I like this trailer much better. Neater job and it has a purpose. Adam should win this category hands down.

VOTE ART PRIZE: 404789

Hockeyman

This was another favorite of mine, though I think I have seen it before. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the aritis's depression over the impending NHL lockout? Anyway, he needs to get hustling, he's a little behind on the installation.

 VOTE ART PRIZE: 108236 River Bottom Bike 

By the Grand River Van Gogh Brothers

Anyway, after seeing practically none of the other exhibitions at this year's Art Prize, I don't know how you could beat the work of the Grand River Van Gogh Brothers with a grappling hook. As they say in Chicago, vote and vote often!