THURSDAY NIGHT CLOSED SEASON BASTARD RIDE

Werdy One has come up with the great idea of having an out-of-season-ride, or closed-season ride tomorrow night. So if you see signs like these:

Pay no fucking attention to them. The ride is on.

The same idiocy that is the mark of every Bastard ride kicks off from the place at the same place, in Townsend Park. However, to make it slightly confusing roll time has been moved back to 6:30, instead of 6, since we've changed time zones.

This is the time zone we're living in now, I guess. Thanks Werdy, we're enjoying the new time and place.

Here's the official word from Werdy, who's in charge of this total disastor:

I'm planning on dirt roads Thursday night out at Townsend.  Wheels roll at 6:30.  Roll your own pace but plan to re-group at stop signs to keep it together.  Roughly 30 to 35 miles depending on what the group feels like.

Jeff F.

Jeff F appears to be another name he uses, but I'm not sure who this guy is. Anyway, I'm planning on joining in on the fun - that is if I don't die from grabbing valuable rain points tonight at Grattan.

Should I live through tonight, and make it to tomorrow's Bastard Ride I planning on going to the HC,  and drinking some of these later:

See you Bastards tomorrow (Thursday Night - June 16).

ARE MOON PIES REALLY PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS FOR TODAY'S CYCLIST?

Yeah, the only One on the Planet. And for good reason. They taste like crap.

Are Moon Pies performance enhancing drugs for cyclists? Sounds like email spam bullshit doesn't it? Yet could it be that Moon Pies are really performance enhancers? Just last week, at Grattan of all places, I saw some high-performance racers, who either knew something I didn't, or should have known better, gobbling Moon Pies. If you don't believe me, well, here's some proof.

Who could be eating those Moon Pies right after a hot race?

Maybe this Crazy Bastard. Yeah, kids it's Slayer. Make sure your doors are locked.

These people are discerning gourmets.Yeah they know good food. And they know how to make those bicycles go fast too. What would they think about Moon Pies?

To see if the Moon Pie Performance theory (I forget what that theory is right now) had any validity at all I had some people, people who know something about food and cycling performance, try Moon Pies. I  recorded their reactions in a very unscientific manner. 

Sure enough, just the mention of a Moon Pie made them look like this.

So then I tried Moon Pies out on a not-so-discerning subject. Yeah, this Bitch will eat anything. My dog is part goat. But she can mountain bike like a monster.

So Betty, what did you think of the Moon Pie?

This is my dog vomiting all over the Grandpa Van. Disgusting. And disturbing. Thanks Betty! Thanks Moon Pie!

Just to be sure about Moon Pies, I thought,  like Dr. Jekyl before he turned into Mr. Hyde, that I better try one out on myself. Just one bite was all it would take ...

Just what I thought: It taste like spun fiberglass wrapped with dried tar with just a hint of dog-shit.

As soon as I quit puking I'm going to pin a number on and head out to Grattan. See you Bastards there.

FRANKENMUTH RACE REPORT - OR THE BOOB AFTER THE FALL, PIGMY GOATS, DOGS, ICE CREAM BEER AND BIG WHEELS

So now you tell me Ice Cream isn't a performance enhancer. Thanks for nothing Lance!

While I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Frankenmuth this past weekend, and commend the organizers on a job well done, my own race report falls in the "epic fail" category. Fried chicken and ice cream (see above - hey it comes with the family style meal that I the night before okay), just didn't cut it as race fuel. But it was pretty tasty. Yum-yum.

Here's my team. Yeah go team! All I want to know is where were you when I was getting my ass popped off the back?

I thought beer had carbs in it. Wrong again, apparently Dr. Ferrari. Well those few fine brews I slammed back the night before never made it down to my legs. But at least I had plenty to think about as I was getting my pathetic ass blown off the back.

My race shorts (modeled above by Fritz) also didn't help the "cycling" situation.

In the spirit of the Tour de Frankenmuth I also opted for traditional Lederhosen instead of my normal race kit. You'd think that it would be uncomfortable, but by using all that left-over mashed potatoes from my "all you can-eat-family-style-chicken-dinner-at-Zenders" from the night before, I was quite comfortable. Not very fast, but comfortable. I just hope that was gravy running down my leg ...

Leather shorts full of mashed potatoes. Yeah this was my race face.

Well racing wasn't the only thing going on in town last weekend. Frankenmuth was hoppin' with action, dog shows, flower shows ...

Yappy shit-dogs like this were everywhere. Disgusting little animals. But cute. In a disgusting way.

 

This is a pygmy goat. Like you couldn't get a dog this small?

There were even humans pretending to be animals. I missed the Chicken, but you can bet there was a human chicken.

But back to the racing. While my pathetic effort surely sucked, others put out some performance they should be proud of. I met and interviewed the gentleman below who won the Cat 6 Men over 55. I caught up with him just after he removed the aerodynamic wheel cover (disc wheel) from his big wheel. He told me that the massive cover acted like a sail and pulled him away from the pack, and onto victory.

Butch and his 19th Century Penny Farthing. Beautiful bike. With a disc wheel up front he is virtually unbeatable in the Cat 6 Men's 55+

Butch was pretty proud of his ride. How much carbon do you think he was rockin,"

A better view of the winner bike and rider. Oh how I wish I was Butch!

While Butch may have made meat out of the old geezers in his race, I wonder if he could do this ... maybe he could. Who knows what you could do with a big wheel like that!

TOUR DE FRANKENMUTH - NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL RACING FOR BEER!

Time to hydrate and go racing in Frankenmuth, Michigan

Yes it's that time of year again. Time to break out the Lederhosen and go bike racing in Frankenmuth, Michigan at the good old Tour de Frankenmuth. While some (a friend on Facebook) called the Tour de Frankenmuth the "FLATTEST ROAD RACE IN MICHIGAN," I gotta tell you I totally disagree with that "flat" part.

The feeding station. A lot of accidents happen around feed zones in bike races - I think you can see why.

Here, as you roll through the downtown "feeding station," just beyond the start/finish, you can see that the terrain isn't really that flat. You've got to be on your toes, and keep your head up - or who knows where you might land.

Power and guts are what counts in the Tour de Frankenmuth.

True, with just a few rolling hills, this is pretty much a pure power rider's course. A strong sprint at the end is a must. You gotta know how to pour it on right down to the end.

A good team is worth its weight in something, ja?

A good team counts for a lot in a race like this. Reeling in breaks, blocking for your guys in the break, leading out to the bar, I mean finish line sprint. Making chicken sandwiches. Carrying me back to the hotel. It's all about the team. Thanks team! Sorry I gave all of you the flu ...

 Now this is what I call a finish line. Only in Frankenmuth ...

 After a few tough laps, and if I'm lucky enough to get there, the finish line, and I do mean finish line, is a welcome sight to behold. Nice line, nice finish ....

 Entertainment galore. The band plays on.

Racing  in Frankenmuth just isn't rolling mounds, hills and curves - it's also about entertainment. Yeah, I can't wait to hear these guys playing when it's podium time. Not like I'll be there.

To the victor, and the finishers, go the spoils. Yeah this is 'spoils' for sure.

So I'm packing my bag, I might even take the bike, and preparing for the onslaught of geezers all gooped up on GU and overpriced bikes -  and eventually the beer drinking. If there's anything to report when I get back, well I might report it. If I don't see you at the TdF, then I hope you have a great weekend and holiday.

BATTLE OF THE MOUNTAIN BIKE VIDEOS

After receiving a link to the video below from our good friend Patrick Drueke, I was motivated to find some more mountain bike race videos to share - and to compare.

 While the London course, in the video below, looks challenging, it's down-side is, like British cuisine, the music doesn't make it very tasty.

Here's the Brit - Olympic Course. Crazy how this gravel path has appeared  through a sheep pasture. There's even a rock "patio" just like the one they put in at the Game Area. I keep looking for Babe the Pig to come trotting up ....


Olympic Course London Highlights from SCOTT-Swisspower on Vimeo.

Now look (and listen) to some American mountain bike videos. Even if the courses, bikes and riding suck, the music rocks. And many times, if you're talking about courses, what looks better - a sheep field in England, or single track in Colorado? Yeah I'll have a burrito with green hot sauce, you can keep the boiled sheep guts.





HOLZINGA from Rob Doerre on Vimeo.

Here's the best of both worlds. Rockin' course and cool as music. Rippin? I think so. I posted this one up not long ago, but it's worth a second look.


THE OPENER from Rob Doerre on Vimeo.


The all time top rippin' video? This one. No music. Just natural sound of a guy breathin' like a bunny rabbit. Gotta love the pinestripe suit, too. Thanks to Ben Doctor from sending this one along. Thanks to Werdy for the original (I think) alert on this one about 6 months ago. There are a whole series of the videos. Seriously scary stuff.



VCA 2010 RACE RUN from changoman on Vimeo.

Racing in the Rain Tonight @ Grattan?

Having been laid up with the creeping-coughing-crud for two weeks I was planning on a glorious return to the racing ranks tonight at Grattan. Unfortunately, my new phone, which looks a lot like the the device featured here ...

This cutting edge communication device (because it's white) has a special app, in it, which I think is short for appetizer, that tells you when and if you should race. Unfortunately my "IS IT SAFE TO RACE GRATTAN?" appetizer is telling me that its probably not safe because I'm seeing something like this ...

What I was hoping for was, of course, not a torrential downpour, but something more appetizing, maybe something like this, which I believe is a real appetizer.

Looks tasty, doesn't it? But not very filling. Hey, I'm getting hungry, when's this post going to end, anyway?

Well lets hope that the rain, thunder and lightening icons that are flashing on my App right now go away and that my IS IT SAFE TO RACE AT GRATTAN alert turns to:

 YEAH, IT'S OKAY TO RACE AT GRATTAN YOU BIG DUMMY

Even if the rain lets up slightly, and there are no wicked bolts of Thor-like lighting hitting the ground, I still might chance it. My first thought, since it looks like we are living in Seattle, or somewhere much hipper, where it rains all the time (hey you can't have everything, now can you?) I researched some of  Seattle bike riding in the rain tips, but found them sadly lacking, but you can check them out if you have absolutely nothing to do - which you apparently don't since you're still reading this.

My next step was to read an in-depth book on racing in the rain, but it too just didn't seem to hit that "wet  spot" I was looking for. Though I have hit some wet spots, some of which have been left by a creature that looks a lot like the creature featured on the cover.

But it's not a bad novel, but I just can't see how a dog can ride a bike, much less race a bicycle in the rain.


So I thought I'd check out another place in the world where they ride bicycles in the rain all the time - the Netherlands.



I thought this looked a lot like the Grattan B Race, did you? I just can't imagine all those umbrellas in the sprint though. Maybe in a breakaway, but not a sprint.

So I kept looking ...

Again, more trouble with hoods, ponchos, and umbrellas. I think the guys In Seattle could learn a thing or two from this, though.


This video below was my favorite. Mainly because it wasn't raining, and it looked a little bit like the beginning of a cheesy porn flick. Not that I have ever seen a cheesy porn flick before, but if I had, I imagine it would look like this. I also like that it was in a language I didn't understand.

Well, if it clears I'll see you Bastards out there. If not, I'll be back in my oxygen/altitude tent cleaning out the lungs for a weekend of probably pretty disapointing racing.

WHAT DO BIKES LOOK LIKE AFTER THE END OF THE WORLD? YEAH, WE'VE GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE FOLKS

So as many of you know the world officially came to an end yesterday. While I haven't felt much different than usual, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen, right? I'm always a little behind on the big things. And the litttle things, too, for that matter. If you're like me, and I hope you're not, and you didn't know that the world came to end yesterday, well then, it's time to get on it and play some catch-up, okay? Best place to start is watching this awesome end-of-the-world video.

Now that you know that the world has ended, again, let's catch-up, or catsup, on what bicycles, and the rest of the cycling world, is going to look after the new "the world-has-ended era" has kicked in, and literally put its kick-stand down on all of us. You'll now it has actually happened when you get a Friend Request from the End Of The World.

To begin with, cyclists being an odd lot, there were some celebrations for the world-ending. At the Farm Team Racing Headquarters on EOTWD (End Of The World Day) the Farm Team had a fancy going away party for Joe 3, who will be on secret assignment from now on, as well as having some cake and beer to celebrate the EOTW.

Nice EOTWD Cake by the Farm Team. Notice, no candles. Who needs 'em. It's all over, right?

Some of our friends, like Killer Kubiak, got inked to celebrate EOTWD. Here's Killer's beautiful tat, which represents, I assume, flying off the planet on EOTWD, on a flaming, winged bike. You've got to love it ...

Meanwhile, at Founders of all places, there was a party between the Police and The Cyclists celebrating EOTWD. I guess we don't have to worry about sharing the damn road now, do we ...

Lots of people, cyclists, police, and friends of both on hand for the EOTWD at Founders. Let's party like there's no tomorrow - pretty much like every day at Founders.

Of course I promised you some EOTWD bikes, didn't I. Well, while this bike may not be the EOTWD prototype, the bike we'll all want to ride when there are no more tomorrows and no place to ride, I think this bike might actually be responsible for the EOTW.

Sure, it looks like another Hipster-fixie-wet-dream, but take a closer look. Well not that close.

Play Me, indeed. Looks suspicious, doesn't it?

Maybe it was the White Virus that caused the EOTW. It's all over this bike.

Whatever ... all I know in the citizens rides, crits, road races, time trials, mountain bike races and 'cross  in the world after the end of the world, here's what I'm going to be riding.

Right after the guy who made it builds it up, 'cause I have no 'fing idea what wheels to put on it.

The EOTW is gonna by totally aero, I guess.