WINTER RIDE REPORT: WHERE ARE MY FINGERS? WHERE ARE MY TOES?

To answer "yesterday's seal's" question: is there a ride tonight? My answer is, yeah there's a ride tonight, and then I promptly made a pair of mittens out him. Let me tell you, they were warm. Thanks for asking the question, seal.

Last night we had five Bastards out for a cold one. I think we bagged some Flahute points, as well, riding a little further than the temperature. For those cowards that weren't there, here's a brief report.

See the above icicle hanging from Fllying Bats chin. What do you call it?

1. Soulcicle

2. Ice patch

3. Drool-Freeze

4. Frozen Goat

5. Permanent

(Please place your answer, or other suggestions in the comment box.)

It was great to see Steve Kunneth on the ride last night. But what the heck is that on his head?

1. It's not a helmet, it's a see-through skull and that's his brain!

2. A helmet made out of edible candy.

3. BMX fashion statement

4. The Grinch's Lunch Bucket

Steve B was killing it last night on his tricked out winter cross ride. Why is Steve looking so happy about riding in such cold weather?

1. He's was getting tired of the same old 10 fingers and 10 toes thing.

2.He has a job, he wants an adventure.

3. He misses Grattan and riding on ice sort of replaces riding with asses until next season.

4. He's not happy. His face is frozen that way.

Winter photo art contest, or is there really something going on here?

1. I dropped a contact lens and I'm looking for it in the road.

2. Looking for tracks and trying to find my way back to the car.

3. My neck is frozen in the down position - good for sprints, bad for riding.

4.The road is on fire. Or ice.

I can't wait for the new Tron Legacy movie to come out until then:

1. I'll keep riding Crazy Bastard rides 'cause everybody wears glow-in-the-dark cycling clothes.

2. Hope this guy keeps painting his jacket zipper in radium.

3. I'll keep dropping acid before the ride every Tuesday and Thursday. Wow man, that's so beautiful!

THE CYCLOCROSS CHEF OF KNOWLEDGE: WHAT DID WE LEARN LAST NIGHT?

It's so nice to have the Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge return with some more deep-fried knowledge from the Frites Bowl of Knowledge (sprinkled in sea salt and slathered with seasoned mayo.) Last night the Chef once again selected the tire of the night.

The chef says you need one of these if you want to stay upright on the shiny stuff. Also they make a nice crunchy sound on the ice when you ride - the same sound you make when you chew a Deep-Fried Asian Carp that has been fried to perfection. Crunch-crunch-crunchy goodness with every turn of the pedals, and every chomp of the teeth!

The it was back to "The Creek" where it ended up like this - again.- along with a lot of stories and lies I now forget telling (and hearing). Talk about carnage, there it is once again kids. Sorry you missed the ride now, aren't you?

When I returned home the State Champ (she doesn't even know it's not first, dumb b*tch) was waiting to rub my nose in it. Hey, I used to rub her nose in it when she was a pup, why not?

See you Bastards Thursday Night! Stay warm until then.

Tuesday Night Ice Breaker

Anyone riding tonight?

THE CYCLOCROSS CHEF OF KNOWLEDGE AND RIDE TONIGHT AT 6!

The Cyclocross Frites Chef is now symbolic for serving up things we've learned on a 'cross bike - or off of a cross bike.

Today the Cyclocross Chef is serving up some things he learned at the State Championship race. While his main source of information didn't ride very fast, he did ride well enough to stay off the ground (for the most part), find the right line after the race was already decided and lost, and come away intact and functional without needed more pain-killers than usual, which is always good.

Number one thing we pulled out of the deep fryer of 'cross knowledge: you need some of these in December!

I take back every bad thing I have ever said about Fangos. I used them for two races, and while it may seem extravagant to have a set of wheels glued up for just two races, without them those could have been the most miserable days of the season. (The most miserable were the two days of racing in Louisville - something else we learned!) The little side knobs did an excellent job of holding onto the slippery side the hills we were forced onto again and again, and certainly gave me a level of control I could not have achieved with my beloved Grifos. The only place where I thought they could have been a little better was at the bottom of one off-camber where the mud was a little deeper. The center knobs could have been a little longer, and provided a little more bite - as it was they slipped a little, but not much. For the money, the quality and the wide range of uses, it's a great tire. If there had been snow over frozen ground, with the same off-camber course, they would have been damn near perfect.

The tire that would have been perfect for Sunday looks something like this. No, it looks just like this.

If you didn't recognized them from their profile, you should get it from this shot: Dugast Rhinos. While they would have been the perfect tire for Sunday, they really weren't. Turns out there were lots of these tires flatting on Sunday - and that's a damn expensive flat! We're talking about $120 buck a tire and a long run back to the pits (nice job Mike Seaman!). A few people were picking up "staples" for some reason - or maybe it was some of the rocky and rough sections. So while the tread is the best, with it's longer, deeper (ah, ah, ah, AHAAHAHA!) treads, and soft and cushy cotton casing ride, it's just not tough enough for me - or the Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge. The Fangos were the Chef's tire of choice for that kind of race.

Tonight you won't need a mud tire, I thinking, though I haven't asked the Chef, yet. But you will need lights and something warm to wear. Looking forward to a little recovery ride and trip to the HC. It is the season.

The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge (I know I keep changing his title) leaves you with one last thing. A video of people who know how to ride in mud. Wish we had mud like this on Sunday. If we had, it would have been warmer, that's for sure. This is from last weekend in someplace called Igor Spain, which I think was a character in Young Frankenstein.

Yeah, this guy. Guess his last name is Spain. Well enjoy the video, and see you, the Craziest Bastards of all, tonight!

STATE CHAMPIONSHIP REPORT: OFF CAMBER WITH FRITES, AND STEALING SILVER

Okay the off-camber wasn't as muddy or as slippery as this, but it claimed quite a few riders. While I didn't see it I was told that the first lap of the Cat 4 race was a total crash-party with guys piling up, wrapping the tape and so on. Hopefully some actual video will show up later.

Now, on with the state championship cross party, yesterday, in Davisburg;

A happy Frites chef, only feet from the Orange Crush and racing action. Yummy, those were good frites my man!

Sorry there aren't more race photos from yesterday's State Championship Cyclocross race in Springfield Oaks, but I'll have some hopefully tomorrow, taken by pros. I didn't take any photos on course as my fingers frozen off and I was unable to operate the camera - unless it was someplace warm. Now back to the warm stuff.

Did this woman get so hot looking at that handsome Frites Chef that her ass started spontaneously steaming?

No, it was just those delicious frites in the fryer.

Here they are, almost ready to go. Just a little sea salt and seasoned mayo, and WOW! Were they good. The kind folks at Tailwind also had a keg of beer tapped all day so you'd have something to wash the frites down with. More than thoughtful, I thought.

Kim Thomas and Cupcake having a toast to a great season of cross.

Inside the (warm) presentation hall it was good to see old friends that had survived the cold and one tricky, off-ass-camber course. For those of you that weren't there here's a crude representation of what the course was like - but add in that it was also going off-camber, up-and-down, while going back and forth.

Turn here. Fall there. Get up and go. Turn here. Fall there. Repeat.

Anne and Jeff celebrating another great cross season.

Cupcake, again, and Nancy. Nancy was awesome taking on a seriously pro cross course on her brand new cross bike. Way to go Nancy!

I might just as well stolen this off the table.

Yeah I bagged some sort of medal. I moved up to the Masters 45+ and got a real lesson in massive acceleration through muddy off-cambers. But not too bad. Managed to hang in there, even though I was over my head. But I learned a lot yesterday. Like wear thicker gloves, dumb-ass. My payment for a little suffering was a silver in the Men's 55+ behind Mark W. Yeah I was second to first, but dead last in my category. It goes to show you that sometimes it's not how you do in the race but which race you do.

But if I was going to steal something off the table, it should have been one of these (below) Series Winner Bells. I have a couple, but I don't know if I'll ever get another. While some may covet their little State Medals, these are what you really work for kids ...

Here's where my medal ended up. Going to the dogs. Yeah, she loves it. Won't take it off ... the b*tch!

Look for updates and more photos later. See you tomorrow on the ride, too.

TRON RIDE, DICKEY V, AND ICE TIRE VIDEO

Since it's "riding on ice season" here's a video of a guy who knows how to ride on the slick stuff. Of course he's got an advantage with some wicked-ass studded tires. Watch, and see how it's done ... I don't know if I want to plunk down the $200 a tire price for these things, though, no matter how well they stick.

Like Tron and the remake of the old Tron movie where people get sucked into a video game and everybody glows kind-of-weirdly, last night's "first winter ride" of the season, was well lit, as displayed here by CD Bastard.

Everybody was glowing, weren't they? We had five in all on the ride. Mike V, Craig, Flying Bats, JZ Jeff, CD, and myself. Here we are all Tron'd up and ready to roll. There would have been more on the ride - Matt showed up, but we rolled before 6 - ooops! Sorry about that, but we didn't think anybody else would show. If you think you are going to come, call or leave a comment here and we'll wait. Yeah, we will. Promise.

Failure to launch, err, light, required a little mid-ride mechanical work. Here F'Bats fixes CD's ride up with an extra "lamp" he just happened to have on him. It's a well equipped group. As the for the ride, there was a bit of ice heading out, but it got crunchy, with a little light mud near the end. Nice ride, all and all, for the first time out on snow and ice.

CD showed of some nice apres ride style with they plaid pants hand-made by Mrs. CD. Apparently they are not only colorful, they also defy gravity! I want me some of those!

Some knuckle-head knocked down the telephone pole outside the HC last night (you can quite see it, but it's there, marked by orange cones). The culprit was obviously out of their mind with an over indulgence of Fried Carp and Cask beer (yeah it's yummy). We're not sure who did it, but Bob H showed up later and he had a friend with him who we think might have been the culprit. We're not sure, but he looks like this ... call us if you see him. He like to hang out in the men's room - and it's not Maverick!

THURSDAY RIDE AND VIDEO

Getting fired up for the weekend. Check out Katie's crash and some absolutely amazing racing by the men in the last half of this video. Planning on riding tonight - checking out some tires for the snow. 6 p.m. start time. Be early if you can, it's getting colder. Brrrrrrrrrrr! Hope that snow's not too deep. Yikes! The tough part of the ride may be the drive there.

See you Bastards later!

FENDERLESS TUESDAY A SUCCESS!

One of my better file photos of JZ Jeff, aka Redline Bastard. He put together a sweet loop last night to new and not often visited dirt roads. Jeff claimed that the thing sticking out of the back of his bike wasn't a fender, it was an "aero-foil" whatever that is. Actually I think his bike was just glad to see me.

LAST NIGHT'S RIDE REPORT

Last night's NO FENDER TUESDAY RIDE was a screaming success! If by success you mean we all got back alive and all of the rain, mud, and devastation I expected, just didn't happen. Actually the roads were in very good condition, with very little mud, and the temperatures were kind to us - read that as no frozen toes or fingers. The only bugger was the wind was coming up pretty hard at the end. Thankfully it was tailwind by then. Jeff Z led the ride, taking us on a very interesting loop. Well done Redline Bastard! We'll have to rock that one again.

Other Bastards on the ride: Flying Bats and Mike V. We were joined a few miles into the ride by Dave Baar, whose fast pace was slowed by a drive-train that was sounding like a garbage disposal. Great ride, nice pace, and fun, food and beers later back at the Honey Creek.

I leave you today with video from the Wolverine Club (picked it up on Jeff 'lil Pony's site - check it out). This is the best video I've seen yet on this year's Derby Cup. You can bet it won't be dusty like this on Sunday! And take a look at some of the dudes you'll be racing against this weekend. Think they love their cross? Check it out. Very well done production. They make this race look like it was actually fun. My video would have been a little different, except for the Halloween shit at the end.