FREE CUKES, FORDS, COCKS, CRANES, GOATS AND MOM'S WITH KIDS

What a ride last night! And I don't just mean the sweet ride pictured above. This red classic is a 1963 Ford Fairlane and it's for sale. It can be yours for only $7000. Bob on the corner of Lincoln Lake and 7 mile will be glad to sell it to you, along with his house. Yeah you can own Bob's car and his home, maybe even his wife. It looks like Bob is selling everything. Some deal. Werdy gave it (just the car) a good going over and says this thing will haul. Next Bastard ride bring 7 Gs along in your back pocket and it's yours.

So you think we're tough hammering along the dirt roads? Last night we passed something that looked like this cruising over the gravel at a good clip - mom with kid in the back coming at us down 7 mile. You go mom ...

Those few Marxists in our group who believe that "everything is political" might misinterpret the meaning of this sign. No, it doesn't mean free the veggies from the oppression of the capitalist pig farmer, or in this case Veggie Farmer, it means you can takes as many of these delicious free veggies as you can carry. For two lone Bastards out on a ride it was indeed a "come and get me sign," we couldn't resist. But more on our veggie-lust later.

Last night's ride saw a small group, just Werdy and Surly, casually riding the northern loop and running into one small adventure after another. Above is a distant photo of a compound of goats and Free Range Chickens. While the chickens were free, they were impossible to catch, so they may have well cost a fortune. Other feathered beasts we encountered along the route included cranes, crows, and a number a herons. It was pretty birdy night to be out on the bike.

Not free, but probably tasty, were the Free Range Chicken eggs. The only question is how do you transport a dozen eggs back about ten miles on a cross bike over potholed dirt roads? My guess is you'll be making an omelet in the parking lot on the hood of the Granpa' van.

Back to the free veggies. Transporting veggies on a bike is no problem, however, as seen here. Yes, it's my new whip packing a big ole' squash of some sort.

Werdy decided that he could take more veggies with him if they were thinly sliced. What a genius. Next week he'll probably be selling this device on the home shopping network. Look out Shammwow guy, Werdy's on the way.

Here's the scamp taking off with motherload of all free cucumbers. Hey come back here with my cukes you crook!

Here's a better look at these would be pickles. Yeah, he's ready for a century. With Ranch Dressing all over it Century. Next week the farmer and his wife told us to come back for free tomatoes. (Anybody have an idea how to pack tomatoes on a bike or in a jersey?) They also said we can stop and fill up our water bottles from the hose in the front yard anytime we need a drink. And we can keep on taking all the free veggies we care to. The farmer's wife it seems is recovering from chemo and hasn't the strength to can all these things so we can take all we want. A great couple. They have the farm house on Ashley just north of 7 mile where the black and white dog used to bark at us on every night ride for years.

IS YOUR BIKE READY FOR TONIGHT'S RIDE?

Are you ready to ride tonight? Is your cross bike in good working order? If not, who knows what could happen out there on those dirt roads.
Having been in the cyclocross mode for the last two months, I was surprised to learn that many of our Crazy Bastard brothers haven't gotten their bikes tuned-up, or even back together yet. More surprised was I when talking with CD about a joint ride with fellow Bastards tonight, to learn he was experiencing the same thing: many of the Crazy Bastards in Holland were not ready to ride as their 'cross bikes were in a state of disrepair.
As you can see, the gear associated with bicycle repair and proper maintenance  isn't that intricate or sophisticated, since we are dealing with a, uh, a bicycle. Just look at the illustration above and you see practically everything you need to hit the road, and then the bar for some beers.

While some of us may have trouble fixing our bikes in the garage, or shop, other Bastards bring enough gear along on the ride to do the job by the side of the road. I think you know who I mean. Yeah, it's the guy that's got everything. He's probably got a head-set press in one of those bags just in case his f-ing Chris King comes loose while riding over potholes on Nugent.

Myself, I like to keep my bikes fresh an ready to go at a moment's notice. Above is a  shot of my bike repair area. Neatly organized and clean, everything has it place, and everyplace is full of a bunch of shit I've been meaning to throw out for over a year. Amazing how my hair grew back, isn't it?

In closing I'd like to share the letter I sent to CD in response to hearing about the lack of preparedness on the part of the Crazy Bastards in Holland, and apparently everywhere else:

Dear CD

I’ve heard some of that stuff about not having cross bikes ready, a few weeks ago, from the Bastards up here, but most of the guys up here have gone all out and uncurled their garden hoses and hosed the shit off their bikes that was left caked on after the last Versluis Race. Some of these hardy souls have also put oil on their chains, which I know is also an awesomely hard chore, but they’ve gone and done it anyway. Some, without their mom telling them to, which is really awesome for guys just over 40. The rest of our crew is now moving on to putting air in the tires, which can also be daunting, but some, with the help of small children in the neighborhood, are pumping up said tires so they assume a somewhat round shape and roll better when propelled by cranks , pedals, (and their now-not-so-squeaky chains) commonly associated with bicycles. Some of these geniuses, (and I’m talking about our geniuses, not your geniuses) have attended bike maintenance classes so I’m assuming they know how to inflate their tires and oil chains, but it is an amazing thing to behold anyway. But just barely. You can use some of this material on your crew to perhaps let them know that ‘cross season is a little over 6 weeks away and they should put down the bong and ramp up their shit. Just kidding, but it would be funny to lay it on them that way.

Sincerely,

Surly

I cut out the parts about the color of his eyes and his long flowing hair. Like what does that have to do with bike repair anyway?

If you have a bike that's rideable I hope you'll be able to join us tonight. If not, next week should be a good one to get the band back together.

CROSS IS COMING!

The rides have started, and so have practices, in some dark corners of the Crazy Bastard Kingdom. Let's start making plans for the upcoming season which is NOW ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY! There will be clinics and practices races galore, so check in and find out when and where they all are.

If you aren't chomping at the knobby-bit for some cross action, here are a few old snaps I found laying around that may get you off your fat/skinny tires and start thinking about cross. Let's make a ride date for Tuesday or Thursday of next week and have a meeting at the Honey Creek to plot our course for 2010.

The DOUBLE CROSS. First big race of the year will happen at Waterford, not Clarkston (pictured here). This was just the 45+ Master's race lining up, two years ago. Haney is in YELLOW next to me (God awful kit I think he donated his to a prison somewhere in Georgia). 

A couple years ago: Mudfest in Holland, in December. Jurrien shows how to do it in Belgie style, HUP UNITED Noir Kit, and ankle-deep black mud. Looks delicious doesn't it?

Yeah, got to start practicing those remounts now. Don't know if I can get my fat ass that far up in the air anymore. This was warm weather racing in Kentucky.

The race that's no longer with us. This shot was rolling into the music stage at Ithaca, which sadly won't be on the calendar this year.

Cupcake dressed as a Tiger? Looks yummy either way. Yeah, she bites, so use caution. Just a taste of the 2009 costume race at Ann Arbor last year.

Only in cross can geezers that should be embalmed in embrocation hook up with hot chicks like this. And yeah, that's Monica, hoping BART will show up and beat the crap out of this old Crazy Bastard. Love the pink shades. That girl knows how to dress for a race, doesn't she? 

HOT WEATHER RIDING TIPS, TOPS, AND BOTTOMS

Riding and racing in high temperatures has it challenges and it's dangers. Dark colored riding kit and lack of water is a deadly combo that can lead to a collapse, or a maybe a sultry relax, as pictured below. She looks hot, yet pretty cool, doesn't she?

To make sure you don't end up posing, instead of winning those cookie primes, make sure to keep drinking and drinking. Total hydration is the key to keeping ahead of the pack. And if you can take on water while riding in water, so much the better.

Of course the best idea is to dress cool. Real cool. A light color thong should do the job. And about five gallons of sunblock. Guess who's leading out the sprint tonight?

Dust in the Wind?

Anyone up for a possible ride down the dusty trail/roads of Bastard Land on Tuesday (7-13)? Haven't been out there for a while (since the snow thawed for the last time) and am curious to see if the cross rig still works after it got thrown in the corner after Barry-Roubaix. Thinking of rolling at 6. Shouldn't be as hot as it was last week, but might want to make sure your bottles aren't full of sand before you leave the lot.

RUSSIAN BRIDE PRIMES

As always Redline Bastard is ahead of the curve. In this case he is actually several curves ahead by the looks of his summertime "Russian Helper," Zasha. Gee that girl flips a mean burger. While Redline was first in co-opting the Russian-Ride-and-Bride concept, it didn't take long for the rest of the local cycling community to catch on.
Last night, at Grattan, as a matter of fact, they were giving away Russian Brides as Primes. Finally, something that's worth a little road rash. The above is a shot of a wedding that took place in the Grattan Parking lot at the end of the race. I'm not sure which team rider took this prime, but my guess he was wearing black & pink.

If you weren't lucky enough, or fast enough to win a Russian Bride in a sprint last night, or have Redline's international connections, there are still other ways you can be a big winner by entering the STIL VODKA contest. Until then it looks like burger and beers at Redline's crib next week.

Tooo Hot For Me....

Tuesday night ride report.

I intersected with Surly on my ride into Townsend on Six mile just before Giles. We took a quick spin out to Scally returning on the southern route. Road conditions were fast for the most part with a few sections of sand thrown in just to keep things interesting. It was great riding in the shade of the trees with temps nearing the 9o degree mark.

Surly was riding like a fine tuned hipster machine, leaving my sad-self in the dust. Nevertheless, I look forward to the next ride.

DIRT ROAD RIDE TONIGHT

I'm assuming that the high temperatures over the weekend have burned off the flora and killed all the fauna in the countryside, but hopefully the dirt roads haven't been turned to molten glass - at least not yet. I'm planning on busting out the cross bike for a roll around the dirt roads - under any available shade that's left, tonight between 6 and 6:30 at Townsend. If you care to join me, fill your tires and any available water bottles and I'll see you there.

Have a Hipster July 4th

Have a Happy 4th bastards. Rumors of a ride at all? Post up if anyone is hitting the dirt roads.

SINGLE SPEED AND HIPSTERING

Missed everyone at the game area last night. The dog ran like a crazy beast in near 80 degree heat so in one lap, we're done. Packed up my budget single speed mountain bike and one hot dog, and crawled home with our collective tails between our legs. I returned back at Bastard Headquarters at about 6:30, busted out my carefully and painfully color-coordinated hipster whip, put on my Tigers cap, which for some strange reason looks like an As cap in the photo, and proceeded to cruise the city until about about 10. While I was looking pretty sharp and hipsterish, I did not co-opt the entire lifestyle and culture. By that I mean instead of drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Meanwhile I sipped some nice Pinot Grigo at the Winchester.

If you'd like to see more of this kind of crap (above) to create your own Hipster style and image, go to the site Look At This Fucking Hipster. It's something like LATFH.com.

Hope everyone has a great 4th! Don't blow any fingers off with backyard fire works or you'l be t pin ike his f r he est of ou ife.

Have a good

Grattan Report & Bastard Ride Tonight?

Not too many laps into the race last night and a guy that looked just like this was sitting on the side of the track, broken bike at his feet and blood pouring down his face like an unstoppable red stream. I hope he's okay, but the ambulance had to take him away. He was out of the A's, and I'm not sure what team he was on. Like I say, I hope he's okay, but it didn't look good. He sat there for a few laps until the ambulance arrived. I think he brought a little more focus to the B's and we managed to get home without incident.

On a happier and safer note I heard through the cycling grapevine that there was indeed a Bastard ride on Tuesday, though there was no report on this blog about their exploits. I had an appointment for a sex change and some tattoo work and was unable to make it so I have no idea what went on.  Though I have to say that as a result of all "work" I had done (see below) I'll now be able to race in Cat 4 Women's races this fall. I thought this was a lot easier than just getting a downgrade to Cat 5 Men, though it did hurt a lot more than I expected. I'm putting a cut-out seat on my bike for tonight's ride.

Hopefully we'll be seeing some regular Bastards making the rides - either tonight or on Tuesday. Here's a photo from last year, when men were still men. Well, these guys are all still men from what I hear. They sure look manly here, don't they?

 And hopefully they'll be more of this, as well, which is so manly and Bastardly I'm having to reach for some depilatory right now, just looking at it.

But just in case there's nobody to ride with tonight, I'm bringing my BBFF, or BF2, which stands for Best Bitch Friend Forever, pictured below. Yeah, she's ready to ride, and she's fixed, too!