The Great Gourd Race of Columbus

This is how it started. Not long the whistle blew it ended quickly for many due to a large number of flats and rolled tires at the Columbus Park Tailwind race this past weekend.

Dateline: The Great Gourd Cyclocross Race of 2012. It happened on a sunny weekend in the forgotten thumb of Michigan mid-September. While our racers are poised at the line for the launch of the race I need to race back to the day before. Since the race was in Columbus, Almost-Canada, Michigan, members of the CBX Team decided to camp nearby - as in Imlay City, only about 30-minutes from the course. While waiting for the team to arrive, I pitched my tent and kitted up for an easy-day-before-race ride and recon of Imlay City. As with Munson, and the Great Pumpkin Contest of years before, I discovered a fantastic GOURD FESTIVAL in progess! Imagine that ... only in Imlay City!

I never imagined I would stumble into Michigan Gourd Artisans. That's what happens if you ride that bike around enough.

The Imlay City Gourd Festival Welcome Lady: Did you sneak in here on that bike? 

Me: Yup, I did. Mind if I lean my bike up against your cow?

Imlay City Gourd Festival Welcome Lady: No problem. Gotta light?

Yes I did sneak into the Festival, just as it was breaking up. I only wished that I could have been there earlier when it was in full-swing. I missed the Gourd Tossing, Gourd Swallowing, and Gourd Gulping contests. Too bad, it looked like Gourds of fun!

Just like a Cyclocross Race, people bring their tricked out Gourd-Vans packed with too much equipment, general useless shit, and gourds. Wonder how many extra Tubular Gourds they have inside?

See what I mean? If Big Mac was into Gourds instead of 'cross the side of his van wouldn't look like this but would look like this ...

Are those Dugast Handmade Round 34-Gourds, or are you just happy to see me?

Or are they handy Hooker Gourds, just hanging around?

Or are they Long Dong Gourds? Yeah, I guess you guys are happy to see me afterall.

I learned a lot about Gourds on my visit to the Gourd Festival in Imlay City that day.

Like after stretching and curling them and curing them for a year you end up carving and painting them up and making some Chotckies like these things. This is the stuff that goes to Garage Sales to die.

Gourd Security demanding that I "Get the Gourd out of here, you filthy Cyclist!"

Finally it was discovered that I had snuck into the Gourd Festival without paying. (In my defense I never saw a gate, ticket taker or any place to leave an envelope of change.) So I rolled back to the tent just as the team was arriving. After searching for an hour we had to drive back to Grand Rapids to find something to eat.

Dateline: Flash-foward to race morning. While we all like to get to the race early, there was a little problem at about 7:30. After driving 4-hours or something to get here, over the weekend, we discovered that in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere an automated gate that wouldn't admit us until 8:00 am. That was the beginning of  the end in my book. Routines and schedules were all of course after that and trouble was bound to ensue.

Like a Bank Vault, the Colombus Park had a time lock that kept us out until an appointed time. Wonder what they are hiding inside.

I thought about "Jimmying" the lock for a moment, although I know nothing about "Jimmying" anything, but decided better of it when I saw this sign. This look even more serious than riding Luton when wet.

Adam, back at the start line of a great big B-Field. Another good race for Big Mac with another podium finish.Too bad the his A bike broke before the start of the B race. Guess it's fitting he rode the B bike in the B race, right?

So after all that, the races began. The grounds were great and the amenities, the bathrooms and so on, were fabulous, yes fabulous bathrooms, I said it. The course was good, with swooping downhills, another sledding hill run-up, and some long road-race flats below, and a tough grave road climb back up into the park. The only bad part was an extremely bumpy section that must have ruined about six to a dozen tires. Including the Limus of World Famous Cyclocross Cover Girl Sarah McIntyre ...

Sarah drowning her sorrows in a Red Bull after flatting on the first lap and being about a mile and a half from the pit. Same thing happened to Tom Burke and Mike Seamen and many others. Tough day for tires on a course that was pretty smooth for the most part.

The swooping downhill was actually fun to ride.

But the fun ended too soon and was immediately followed by ...

Yeah you guessed it ...

Another ...

Fucking sledding hill!

Interestingly enough some of our biggest fans showed up to heckle us at the Columbus race. That's right, it's those freakin' Killer Chihauhaus. Their little feet must have really hurt to come all this way. But screw them, that's there problem. Little Bastards ...

After all that I returned home to put up some hay, and sweat out my disgust over a DFL and a DNF like I was some kind of detoxifying big outdoor sweat lodge for losers.

After the hay was cleared I looked across the clean field and thought: "gee we could put on a Cyclocross Race here." But then I immediatly thought: "No way. There's no Sledding Hill!"

Tailwind Columbus Park Race Today

New Tailwind venue today at Columbus Park, in Columbus, Michigan. Who knew there was such a place? It's so far out that it's a little beyond the ragged edge of the universe that is the Michigan Thumb. It's like being in Canada without being in Canada. Here's a quick look at the raw ground before it's staked out. And yes, that's another f&*king sledding hill. Will this be the year of the sledding hill? I'm bringing a carbon fiber saucer sled next time if this shit keeps up. Race and Imlay City Gourd Festival report later.

ITHACA RACE VIDEO AND CRAZY BASTARD QUIZ

Usually we're the first to break new race videos of Stomach of Anger and Tailwind races, but not this time. Noooooooo. Lucky I even found this. JB has it all trussed up with Sponsorship stuff, but at the heart of it is one great course, and soundtrack. The only thing I wondering is who made it? It looks strangely familiar in style - from the music to the hole shot and the thrashing of the first lap. You take a look and see if you can tell me who it is lugging a GoPro along for the ride.

Not that you've seen it tell me who is the rider, racer, cameraman and producer. Tick the boxes and let me know. Winners will get one of these at the next ride, which may be tonight!

Shift beer prizes ... submit your answers in the comment box below.

(  ) Sven Nys

(  ) J-Pow

(  ) Dirk Diggler

(  ) Adam McIntyre

(  ) Lance

(  ) Adolf Hitler

Crazy Bastard Ride Report, Dinner Plans, and What Hitler Thinks about Lance, The USADA and Tri's

Last night's ride was double the fun. Like Noah's Ark we were riding in pairs.

Actually there was one additional rider to the group at the start, along with the above pairings from Speed Merchants, Bissell, and Priority ... he didn't want to be left out.

Yes, one of kind for sure. You guessed it, Aaron Hunter-Killer and Culinary-Master Supreme and husband of Mrs. Hunter-Killer and Culinary-Master Supreme. He was the photographer, and the only guy not in a matching kit.

Big Mac met us later on in the ride, going the opposite direction. He was riding his old Ridley. Gee it had more bottom bracket clearance last time I saw it.

When he pulled up and stopped, he looked more like this. Guess he wanted to know how the weekend went.

Finished the ride off with this lovely brew. Seems that New Holland plans to take over the biking market.

Great ride, great weather and nice chums along for it all. Now, I was thinking, since everyone else is having planning parties for one thing or another, I think we should have one for the Crazy Bastards. We could plan an upcoming race, some practices, or a cross trip to some big race. First I think we should have it in somebody's backyard that has a gate like this ... 

Next, we should all dress and act like this ...

Speaking of sartorial splendor. Did you get a load of what Sarah McIntyre was rocking at Ithaca? Looks like she could be featured in an upcoming national post, as well as on a bike podcast. Nice riding, and nice kit, Sarah.

Finally, on last, or next to last thing. I know you were upset about the Lance thing. I mean, who wasn't. What you didn't know that Hitler was super pissed about it, and was upset about the effect it was going to have on Triathalons in the future. I love the part of him showing up at the Wednesday night club riding with the Lance bike and kit ... watch and enjoy!

If I was going to do tri's here's the wheels I'd get, for sure. Let me know what you think of these beauties. Anybody every rock them? They're made in Michigan.

Fox 2 News Headlines

ITHACA RETURNS WITH A VENGEANCE AND A LONG, LONG TRAILER

(Adam McIntyre - up the steps and through the woods at Ithaca 2012)

Well the season is finally here, and it has started off swinging with right from the bell with a spectacular round one - Ithaca! It was great to see the beautiful cyclocross return to the calendar. Hats off, a round of applause and free beer for JB Hancock and the whole crew, Stomach of Anger, for brining this race back. Looks like I wasn't the only one waiting for the return - just counting results I could see that the numbers far exceeded previous years.

(B Women at the line Sarah McIntyre looking cool in the foreground Ellie Burke in Kenda kit with the game face on! Where is Amy Haney? Nice ride Amy!)

One of the happiest surprises of the weekend was the number of women racing cross in every category. Bigger fields, way more competitive than last year, women's cyclocross is starting to look for real. Right now we don't have any photos of Cupcake, but she was motoring - over a course that was super-super-super tough (more on that shit later). She took a podium spot, riding over competition she hadn't put in the review before well done Cupcake - when they called you to the podium they noted you were a professional "Hecklhorn-Heckler." It was also wonderful to see our old friend Ann Swartz back in great form.

(The mark that Cupcake left on the course and the women's Elite field)

(Adam taking the hole shot and the Sprint Prime. Straight up a paved hill. )

A hard course started out hard and ended that way. In between the hard and painful parts is was also hard and painful. We'll demonstrate with a number a photos we've gratefully ripped off from the McIntyre's Face Book page.

(Downhill flying dismount into over-sized amphitheater steps. What the f*ck is this JB, Kisscross? Thankfully nobody bit it here. Sarah shows some nice form flying into the first step.)

(Sarah took the first step Adam made the rest. While you may wonder what he's doing racing a Librarian, that guy was tough.)

While the course was littered with heart-exploding challenges, the good part was the grass was smooth as a baby's ass. And while there were a lot of spectacular up and down features, it really was safe to ride and race full tilt. While a few people went down (I don't think I saw one crash, personally) it was mostly in technical, tight turns.

Not long after the stairs, you got well another chance to show off your on-and-off-form on some barriers. I think they were just there for promotional purposes.)

(Does this look like a long and painful climb? It was. Sarah stomps her way up the grassy Sledding Hill.)

After getting your ass-kicked  in the Amphitheater you were sent to the back of the course for a proper beating, starting off with a slog up the sledding hill. It was long, it hurt, and so on. Later in the day I was proud of myself for riding this on a Single Speed. Then of course I died.

(After the Sledding Hill and some flying twisties, you got to eat some sand.)

(Momma make him stop! JB through in this steep dirt hill to bring you back to the Amphitheater. Great race by Adam to make the podium after a few weeks being off from injury. I think he fell in the basement or something like that.)

(Scott Walburn in happier days before the start of the Men's B Race at Ithaca. He won't stop talking about the Woodchuck!)

Long, brutal laps. But somehow it was all fun. And it was great to see a bunch of West Siders making the treak - also a bunch of friendly faces from the Bastard rides. Scott "Wood Chuck Killer"Walburn (who got a top ten spot in the highly competitive Men's B) along with Aaron Huntington, Bob Hughes, Tom and Ellie Burke, Laura Melendez, Jack McIntyre ... and who else? Yeah you guessed it Last but not least were Slayer and his lovely wife Amy Haney. Jeff, by the way took first in the tough-tough-tough Master 45+. Looks like it's another year for the Slayer!

(Slayer slayed the 45+ Masters with a new bike and wheels that looked So-Pro it made your eyes hurt. Hopefuly we'll have a photo soon.)

(Lining up the Cat 4 35+. There were a bunch of Bastards in this one. It was great to see good sized fields. There were a few racers that traveled down from Sault Ste. Marie Canada!)

If you want to see the full results for all the Ithaca Races you can hunt around or go to The Michigan Scene where they've just been posted this morning.

(The BIG STAR of the race was of course Big Mac's and Sarah McIntyre's Cyclocross Trailer - and the full-on Crazy Bastard Pit area of course. Yeah it was a party.)

Everyone was so enthralled with the McIntyre's Big Long Cyclocross Trailer, that they immediately made a movie of it, which has been out since 1953, long before they were born ... that's how long the trailer is.

See you Tuesday for a ride, perhaps. With temperatures cooling, and the sun sinking it's just about time for a long-sleeved jersey and a light. Well maybe ....

PUT SOME FUN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS TONIGHT ON THE TUESDAY NIGHT CRAZY BASTARD RIDE

(Looks like she's read for tonight's ride)

Beautiful weather - should be a great night for a ride, and as they say nowhere-but-here, it's an excellent evening to put some fun between your legs! The ride should roll out from Townsend at approximately 6 pm. I guess we'll go south, counter clockwise, so if late joiners want to join in, they can take the North route and meet us in the middle.

POSSIBLE SUBSTITUTE RIDE LEADER FOR TONIGHT

(This ride leader doesn't speak English and gives route directions with his face and tongue. )

 Actually due to circumstances beyond my control, I may not make it tonight. Then again I might. If I don't make I have picked a somewhat capable ride leader as a replacement tonight. If he pops off the front a few times, don't worry, he's about 156 minutes down on the CG. If he doesn't show, draw straws, but try stick with the south, north, south loop - I may be late and coming the other way myself. Okay, you've been warned.

BIG MAC INJURED? SAY IT AIN'T SO ADAM!

(Nurse Sprocket is ready to pump you up and bring you back to wellness, Adam)

Yes Adam McIntyre may or may not have injured himself in a training exercise last night. We're not sure exactly how it happened. We're waiting for an edited, full-length, fully orchestrated, on-board camera video to see exactly what went down. All we know for sure is that Adam is having a hard time sitting down today. Hey, remember pal, we told you not to go down to the basement!

WHAT I WILL BE DOING LATER IF I DON'T MAKE IT OUT TO THE RIDE

(Stop me before I glue again.)

If I don't make it tonight I will probably go out to the Crazy Bastard Cave and continue gluing up sets of wheels for cross season so I am prepared for any weather, season, surface type or temperature. I almost have enough wheels for the first race of  the season. Think that's enough for an 70 year old Cat 5 racer?

WHAT I WILL DO IF I FINISH GLUING OR RUN OUT OF GLUE

(The best entertainment on TV - ever!)

If I can't ride, and I can't glue, then I will watch my new favorite program, BULLET IN THE FACE, on  IFC. I  think they should be one of our sponsors - that logo would look great on a Crazy Bastard's jersey, don't you? Get a taste of the action below.