HEAD OVER HEELS - THE GREAT CINZANO RIDE

The Classic Cinzano move from Breaking Away. Yeah, we can do that too ....

As if hitting Varmits weren't enough, on Tuesday we had to recreate the "Team Cinzano" bullshit move, but instead of shoving a bicycle pump through a front wheel, we opted for a handing stick laying around the road. While we again didn't have video of the crash, thanks to Adam once again not recording the entire ride, we do have physical evidence of the mishap

Let's take a look at the most telling piece of evidence ... or pieces not there.

Craig "Flying Bats" front wheel. Notice something missing? Yeah, two costly Mavic Zirconium spokes. Maybe this will make the wheel even more aero?

I always wondered why Craig used the Bastard pseudonym of Flying Bats. Now I know. It's because he can actually fly through the night air. When we rolled up on him after his short, bat-like flight, he looked kind of like this, only flipped over. The bike was somewhere hiding up a nearby tree.

While Craig was in a lot of pain we managed to keep him well hydrated. Thoughtful of us, huh?

Once back to the lot, after collecting all of the most important pieces and parts, we repaired Craig (a little) and had a few ... 

Bat's battered leg and wheel. We patched up the leg, not so much so the wheel. That will take more expert care.

While there should be no lingering effects of the crash, other than a fear of Varmits and Sticks in the road, it was a sorry and weird freakish-accident end to a beautiful ride.

Who knew there were sticks in the road? Not these people seen above: Mac Daddy aka Adam McIntyre, Laura Melendez aka Cupcake, and Tony, Mr. Surrender the Booty. Not pictured, Scott Nason, BK Dave, and me, myself and I.

Nice, cooling temperatures and a setting sun made for a gorgeous night on the roads, except of course for  Varmits and those Sticks. 

Beautiful scenery and a water spout in the middle of the field. Also a nice gap in the line. Oh well. Here's what the riders on Tuesday looked like in a close-up.

So that explains it. It was a Team Cinzano Move all along! The Bastards, they almost killed Craig ... and Kenny too!

For tonights ride (Thursday August 9, 2012) we'll find another route that doesn't feature Varmits or Sticks. I'm sure with this sweet feature somewhere around the 20-mile mark, Mac Daddy will be rolling his GoPro and we should have some decent video to share for a change. See you tonight!

TO SOME CRAZY BASTARDS THE ONLY GOOD VARMIT IS A DEAD VARMIT

To Scott Walburn the only "Good Varmit is a Dead Varmit," apparently. If you had been on the Crazy Bastard Ride last night, you'd know why. Here is Scott confronting his enemy (in his mind).

If only I had GoPro on my bike last night to capture the Varmit-Carnage that went down on the Killer Chihuahua Mile l. After almost being taken out by "Killer" while leading out that section,  I had a ring-side seat for one of the most amazing things I've ever seen on the bike.

Not only could I have used a GoPro at this point, but I could have used a audio recording device as well. Had I an open mic I could have picked up what Scott was saying just before impact, which sounded just like this. 

Scott showed us how big the Varmit was that he ran over - as well as indicating how much crap he'd get from his wife if he had come home all scabbed up from hitting a Woodchuck, or whatever that thing was.

Yup, according to Scott, he smelled varmit poontang, and to him, the only good varmit poontang, is dead varmit poontang. He hit the varmit at a full 30-mph, running over it with his front wheel and managing to wrestle the front end around and keep it upright with an awesome show of mad bike handling skillz. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the varmit wasn't able to keep it upright after the collision. 

It seems that while I was up the night before gluing tubulars, Scott was planning on getting his "Varmit" on. Tubular glue, or Plastic Explosive, it's all part of the Crazy Bastard's tool kit. The above video is what Scott was doing the night before the Thursday night Crazy Bastard ride.

A concerned neighbor was glad to hear about the Varmit's demise. "Dang, there's two of them critters and I 'bin trying to shoot them all summah. An you sayin' you kilt 'em with a dang bicycle? Dang! Every time ah shoot, ah miss, hit the ground and this black stuff comes bubblin' up ..."

Clearly shaken, Scott pulled up at the Stop Sign to collect himself. A neighbor came out to see what all the shouting was about I told him that a member of our "Gang" had "offed" one of the local varmits. He wanted to come in and drink a toast to our kill, but I declined after seeing the chainsaw and leather mask on the front porch ...

The varmit, I'm afraid he didn't make. I did ride back to see what was left. Sadly and bravely, he rose up one final time before going to Varmit Vahalla. Here's what he looked like, standing on his legs for the very last time.

Hopefully this will be the last time we see this dangerous Varmit on the road.

Have a good and safe riding this weekend. And look out for the Varmits!

RIDE TONIGHT, REPORT FROM TUESDAY PLUS NEW LOST & FOUND DEPARTMENT

Sorry I haven't put up a report from our spectacular ride on Tuesday, but I've been busy with just being me, which let me tell you is more than a full time ride. As I write this, and look forward to another ride tonight, the rain is coming down. Well that's why I own a single speed. We'll see about tonight but I'm planning on rolling at 6 pm out of Townsend.

As far as Tuesday it was great to get the band back together. We had exactly 10 members from the usual suspects on hand for a great ride, wonderful weather and a few beers in the lot to catch up on the season so far, and the one ahead. I'm sorry that I didn't take any pictures of this de-facto first ride of the Crazy Bastard Season, so I am trying to recreate the ride with photos of the Bastards by capturing their Face Book Avatars and using them to give you an idea of how it was.

BK Dave

Talking about getting the bad back together, BK Dave (Aka Dave Staublin) too it literally. Dave and I swapped some lead-outs through the Killer Chihauhua section. Great work Dave, that was truly fun!

Kim Thomas

She not riding that old thing anymore, but I think she had the wheels on Tuesday. Kim Thomas was there too. Working on getting a great 'cross on like Snooki works on getting her nasty tan on.

Aaron Huntington

Aaron Huntington was back, with congratulations and fanfare after his recent marriage. To say that Aaron was ready to get back on the bike and riding was an understatement! Congratulations Hunter/Killer Aaron Huntington, and Mrs. Aaron Huntington Hunter/Killer, as well!

Adam McIntyre

A little late to the ride because of work and traffic, Adam was there to put in a few blasts worth noting. I think maybe we should changes is handle from Big Mac, Dr. Adam, Dr. Mac, to MACK DADDY. What do you think? Love that new Lazer helmet. people ask me all the time about mine.

Laura Melendez (Cupcake)

Know for her 'cross racing, command of the Hecklehorn, it was good to see Cupcake back on the gravel once again after a hard season of road racing. She took it easy on Tuesday, as you can see above. 

Jurrien Davison (Etho-Bastard)

Slim, trim, and ready to rock (so what else is new?) Jurrien rocked a Fat Bike on the Tuesday ride running over anything that dared raise its sorry head. Logs, boulders, cats, dogs, small children and slow elders felt the crush of Etho-Bastards Fat Tires!

Julie Whalen (aka Julie Boonen)

Tom Boone's Sister, Julie Boonen also rocked her Fat Bike, as well as a fractured wrist/arm combo. Tough luck Julie ... hope that heals, but gee could you turn around and face the camera? I'm not sure that's you.

Julie Boonen

Yeah, that Tom's Sister. You can tell by the shoes.

Scott Nason (aka Batman)

Good to see Scott Nason out for a ride. Looks like he's ready for some 'cross racing this year. Good to see you Scott! Racing is just around the corner.

Scott Walburn

Great to see Scott out riding. One of our favorite Bastards, Scott always shows a lot of class and style even if he's surrounded by a bunch of idiots. Like when would that be Scott? Nice ride, looks like you've got some good form for the next season. No go home and face your face dude. Unless those are just bad-boy face tats.

Surly Bastard

All I can say is that I think I am under-trained and over-rested. While I enjoyed the ride I was just plain dog-tired later that night. Here I am watching the Olympics later that night.

Running on Empties. That's how we roll.

After the ride we sat around in the parking lot and had a few beers and talked over the upcoming season. Just a few. I took these back to the gas station in Cannonsburg and got $13,456.00 in bottle returns. We can ride, and we can drink, apparently.

AND FOUND

Introducing the new Crazy Bastard Lost and Found Department. You lose it, we take and give it back, if it's something we don't want to keep. Somebody left this beautiful bottle amongst the empties in the back of the Grandpa Van on Tuesday. If it's yours and you can tell me what "Podium Chill" means you can have it back.

Is this yours? Explain just what the hell Podium Chill means and you can have it back. Maybe.

COUNTING YOUR CROSS BLESSINGS: RIDES, RACES, CALCULATIONS AND NEWS FROM THE OLYMPICS

Last night's Crazy Bastard ride included a turn through the Game Area. Here's a dramatic recreation of what happened when I tried to show off my Mad SkillZ on a cross bike to Big Mac, while trying to bomb through some single track on skinny cross tires.

Time to ride some dirt? Cupcake will take time out from her road racing career, and Olympic Watching, and say's she is ready for some Crazy Bastard rides. I believe Cupcake and some other CB's are planning on meeting this Tuesday (tomorrow) at 6 pm at Townsend. Lights are not required, unless you mean lite beer, and that's gross.

While riding the game area I thought for sure that I saw Julie Boonen at the top of the trail. I couldn't catch up to her to ask her if she'll be doing any of the early season CBX rides, but I wasn't fast enough. This is her, right? She's wearing running shoes, which is a sure clue, I think.

Yeah that's her. This is Julie Boonen's bubble-gum trading card photo, so I'm pretty sure it was her I saw on the trail. I also wanted to know why her brother wasn't in the Olympics - or was he?

CRAZY BASTARD OLYMPIC WATCH & REPORT

When I saw these Olympic Rings I thought it must be the Winter Olympics, and not the Summer O's, and that Body Miller was on the loose in the Olympic Village again. As it is, when you see these you know it's time for a Crazy Bastard Olympic Watch.

Today's Olympic Watch features Cycling Faces. The first face is Cav's - pretty much featuring his lower lip. A lip hanging out like that has to be a drag in a sprint. Kinda defeats the purpose of the aero helmet cover, doesn't it?

Seems dashing old Cav was a upset because of negative racing countries that didn't like him. He also said he got screwed by the Germans. So what's new? Crack a history book and go to the The Britain and Germany WWI  and WWII. Personally the biggest negative for him was probably that damn hill.

A happier look (and why not?), from Women's Gold Medal Winner Marianne Vos. This was Vos crossing the line yesterday and taking the Gold. She was so excited about being an Olympic Champion she couldn't contain herself ....

Pretty much the same way she couldn't contain herself winning the Cyclocross World Championship this year ...

Or here, where she celebrated a Stomach of Anger win the same way ... seems like any win is an exciting and win for Vos. But after watching her this year, my past Women's Cross Favorite, Katie Compton, is going to have to pick it up and get her head back game to get me out of the Vos Fan Camp.

CALCULATING CROSS RACING RESULTS

Here's one idea for transferring points between what appears to be two seemingly incompatible cross series in 2012. Load your points into a Beagle or Chocolate Lab USB device and do them "doggie-style."

Now that the schedules are all posted by Michigan cross racing, for Tailwind, Stomach of Anger, and Kisscross, the "cross-talk" and "cross-chatter" I've been hearing is all about  transferring points from the one Kisscross race that's included in the Stomach of Anger series, this year, with the other points from SOA races. Since the categories are so different between the two series, I don't see how it's going to happen, but I have a couple of suggestions that might smooth the whole process and make everybody happy.

The first idea is to use the same method that I used for Kisscross races over the years, which is counting everything on your fingers. When I raced Kisscross, when I got too tired to count on my figners I just rode until I was real tired and then pulled off and put my ticket on the spike before anyone else did, which pretty much assured me of a win - at least until I was DQ'd later on. Now I guess Kisscross is going hi-tech and leaving "Simple"behind and this method won't work anymore. I'm also wondering if the series will change its name from KEEP IT SIMPLE CROSS (KISSCROSS), to KEEP IT DIGITAL CROSS (KIDCROSS). 

I thought it might be useful if I loaned the good folks at SOA the computer I use to calculate tire pressures and gear ratios for every cross race. I spend a lot of time on it before every race, loading in temperature, rainfall and gravitational pulls, and the proximity of the nearest Starbucks, so I'm on it alot. I'm going to ask Big Mac if there's a place for it in his Cross Trailer. I thinking the answer is going to be a BIG NO.

Another way to calculate and transfer points would be to ask my mechanical Pit Mechanic, Dorf Assman to do it. He's pretty good at dropping 5 psi in the rear, cleaning mud out the cassettes, and scrubbing out the pedals with a toothbrush, which I think will be all the skills you'll need to get the job done. All I want in return is some new C-batteries for him. Yeah, that's what he runs on, amazing, isn't it?

Another way to calculate points that don't match up - ask a kid. There are plenty of kids everywhere and I hear that they are all computer whizzes.

I'm also wondering if one of the USA Cycling Officials (this is a re-enactment of Adrianne trying to calculate points while I'm yelling her at because I had too much coffee before the race) can calculate the points at the end of the race. Well maybe not.

My worry, and some other's as well, is that it will be too daunting of a task and may take longer to arrive at results than it is to find out who the actually winner of the Tour de France is every year. Are the drug test back by the way? I'm waiting for the men's Olympic results to come back positive any minute now.

I've also heard that the organizers may just count watts from each race (so you'll all have to watt meters I guess) to calculate results. My suggestions is that you could count calories - how many you burned, versus how many you loaded on in the parking lot drinking beer after the race. The results may not be right, but at that point, who the f- cares, right?

"Surly Bastard is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."

Of course the best method of achieving corrected race and series results would be to use the Manchurian Calculate Method. All the racers would be drugged and hypnotized and results would be subliminally transmitted by a code-word or signal. 

No matter what the "results" it sure is nice to have so many great choices for racing this year. Make as many races as you can, and enjoy!

THE ONLY WAY TO GET FASTER FOR CROSS: BODY INK & CHIT-CHAT & BEING A HATER

Adam Myserson showing : style, speed, abundant cross-knowledge - and most importantly he's rocking some awesome ink!

Let me tell you how awfully-awful it is to have missed the Great Adam Myerson Chit-Chat of 2012 @ VeloCity tonight. I've been to some Myerson Chit-Chats before and have always come away with something new each and every time, even if it's a an idea for body ink that I will never, ever have put on my body anywhere.

Prior to tonight's Great Adam Myerson Chit-Chat of 2012 @ VeloCity I saw this little tidbit of Chit-Chat fodder scurrying around the dirty floors of the basement of what the world knows as "social media."

I'm not sure what this means exactly, but as far as I'm concerned the step through is dead. I'm just wondering (and a little worried) about being "next."

Unless the above message, now scurrying like an Instagram-Rat on the said floor of the Social Media basement is some bit of irony that's way over my bald head, I have to agree with it - except of course that  "Your Next" part, of course. And that face that looks like it just jumped out of the sidebar of The Michigan Scene blog.

While the Step Through may be dead, there are still some that would like to keep it alive. That's why for our upcoming Crazy Bastard Early Season Practice Sessions, we are going to have Stephanie Stepthru her-ownself demonstrate the dying art of step-through dismounts.

Here's Stephanie Stepthru showing the 2-out-of-ten results of the "step-through" dismount technique.

Stephanie Stepthru has it down to a science. Notice the smile? That's because she knows the exact odds of the step-through dismount.

Adam Myerson studying the program for tonight's Great Adam Myerson Chit-Chat of 2012 @ VeloCity. He may be thinking about where his next tat is going, too. He's also tweeting about all the stuff I'm a H8er of as well ...

Adam Myerson ‏‪@AdamMyerson

Stepping through w/o unclipping on the left is the equivalent of unprotected sex with strangers. You'll get away with it for a while but...

Again, I am so sorry I missed the Great Adam Myerson Chit-Chat of 2012 @ VeloCity I heard it was excellent (from my inside sources). Not only did Adam throw the step-through under the bus, he sent disc-brakes in there as well. Again I saw a couple of "tweets" in the Social Media basement that let me know exactly what he thinks of the disc-brake-on-cross-bikes revolution (pretty much what I was thinking only I'm no elite racer):

Adam Myerson ‏ @AdamMyerson 

Every time I see another elite cx rider moving to discs, I'm happy they'll have a heavier bike next season.

But enough of technique and equipment hating you big haters, lets get on to the sure thing that is bound to make you faster and better than ever before - and if you went to Great Adam Myerson Chit-Chat of 2012 @ VeloCity tonight you should know by now what it is - yeah, that's right, it's all about the ink!

Looking fast and sexy, I think. What better way to fly on a bike than with this winged-chick on two-wheels tat. Everyone has one, apparently.

This may not look lie its fast, but it's going to look cool as hell when she strips off the skin suit in the parking lot after the Women's Cat 4 race.

But not all ink is cool or good. I'm not sure what this says about "you." Let me know, 'cause I don't have a clue. In answer to WWJD?, my answer is not this.

And not all guys need ink to get faster. You can be pale, skinny and un-inked. Here's the best exception to the rule:  current World Champion Niels Alberts. Instead of ink, he rubs a little mud here an there to get it going.

Then again, maybe you don't need ink at all. It's cross season afterall, and if you live in Michigan chances are you'll be all wrapped up head to toe like this spry young lady that's getting ready to go out for a blast on her disc brake cross bike. Think she's ready for step-through? Time you had a chat with Stephanie Stepthru!


For those of you that still believe in the ink, though, believe in Big Ben Berden. Check out the creepy-crawly ink, along with great style. This guy, like Adam Myerson, truly rocks it. Enjoy and get ready for cross kids!


Stoemper Presents Ben Berden from Stoemper on Vimeo.