THURSDAY NIGHT RIDE & REPORT(S)

I'm mixing a few reports here - first: we'll be riding out of Townsend Tonight - I've heard of quite a few people that will be there - maybe even more than on Tuesday. Tuesday's ride was a good one, despite the winds, branches, flats and so on. There were 10 Bastards in all, many of them pictured here, looking pretty, ahem, excited about the prospects of riding in the face of 400 mph winds. We had to wake Craig up before we rolled out.

The yawn before the storm.

Once rolling, it wasn't bad for most of the ride. The trees provided protection from the wind - as well as providing a lot of debris that turned into flying shrapnel when hit by speeding bicycles wheels. The road below was a nice view we had waiting for members of the group to catch back on, fix flats, have drinks, make phone calls ...

Where's Werdy? Where's Surly? Where's Waldo?

... and relax some more, as seen below. From the photos you'd think that we never moved or turned a pedal and were just transported to this spot from the parking lot. That was, let me assure you, not the case. While the slumbering "Flying Bats" make look sleepy, in action he was a beast, leading us at break-neck (or should that be break-wind?) speeds. BK Dave told me that at one point while be hauled by F'Bats we were do 21 mph into the wind, which is pretty damn impressive. Calculating a head-on wind speed of 400 mph, Craig had to be doing an actual 421 mph! He will be awarded the most aggressive rider jersey - which hasn't arrived yet. It's a vest made out of bloody Chihuahua hides. We'll get you later on that one F'Bats! Myself, I'm getting the least aggressive rider's jersey by virtue of dangling off the back to the point of invisibility. The least aggressive jersey is a Party shirt made out of half-sucked lollypops. Yeah, it's sticky and sucky.

Don't be fooled, they aren't as sleepy as they look!

In all there were 10 of us: Cupcake, FNG-Alan P, JZ Jeff, Slayer, Tony, Werdy, Scott W, BK Dave, Tom on a Mountain Bike, and myself.

The last part of today's post is about the practice last night which was a good one. A new guy, Adam, got his introduction to barrier hopping, which you guessed it, was a nice, non-injurious face plant. Welcome to 'cross Adam! Patrick, Cupcake, JZ Jeff, myself, and even Zoe, were hand for a little barrier and technical work.

Looks like a nice night for a ride tonight - I'm picking the beers out now. Hopefully we can keep it a nice easy-tempo ride since most of us should be racing a doubles on one side of the state or the other.

See you Bastards and Bastardettes tonight!

CROSS CLINIC/PRACTICE TONIGHT

I haven't had a chance to upload photos from last night's ride - which was large enough to be noticed by one of the forums on the Cyclocross Magazine's website this morning - so I'll be adding a little report later on today. Work calls right now.

Here's just a reminder that we'll be having a little clinic to practice getting off and on the bike, and so on, tonight, starting somewhere between 5 and 5:30. Call or email for details about where we'll meet.

As the season is fast approaching I think it's always good to offer some instruction on the art of getting off and on without killing yourself - especially if this is your first season, or you have short term or memory loss and can't remember how since last year. I'm hoping we can start this season without anybody going to the hospital again. Cyclocross, for as crazy and tough a sport as it is, shouldn't necessarily be dangerous.

We'll hoping to even show you tonight - in your imagination - on how to approach an unrideable hill. This photo was taken of a nightmare I had the night before the Ann Arbor race which features a large hill that looks nothing like this one.

We'll even show you how to hug your bike after it's d kept you upright in a really slippery or tough race.

And of course we'll tell you, not show you, how to take on those local races that go that extra mile to go that extra mile you'd rather not go.

RIDE TONIGHT: NOTHING LIKE A NEW BIKE

I'm planning on a 6 p.m. roll-out tonight from Townsend, if any of you Bastards have recovered from your DALMAC (sp?) induced and inspired pneumonia and rot by now.

While you have may suffered the tortures of the damned on your arduous road trip, let me assure that I have suffered also. After last Thursday's New Epic Mud Ride, my new whip was totally destroyed by the ravages of some corrosive material in the mud that not only completely destroyed my drive train and dissolved the alloy tubing, it also washed off my spray-on tan - a tan that made me look pretty damn pro in road cycling circles. So I've replaced my training bike with the beauty pictured below. I think it's the tool for the job, don't you?

A tool it is! Just take a look at those bars! Standing on the peddles and grabbing these bad-boys will certainly give me that totally rockin' Ape-Man look, ya think?

Slamming into potholes a problem? Not anymore, not with this spacious and comfy seat!

My only problem (s) with the new whip:

a) How do I get in the grandpa van without folding the bars down or leaving the rear door open?

b) How the fuck do I get over barriers with this pig?

c) How dense of a headphone set do I need to wear to keep from hearing all the laughing?

Weather looks great tonight. Will try to conncoct a route to stay out of the wind if it's still whipping around by then. With my high-rise ape-hangers my wind resistance is going to be pretty bad.

Advice For Friends Of Cyclocross From Six Time French Champion Eugène Christophe

All you cyclocrossers might enjoy a little advice from this article first published in 1921. The link is courtesy of bikerumor.com....

http://www.blackbirdsf.org/cx/christopheoncx.html

RIDING WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL WEATHER: THAT HURTS!

While many of you were out doing Epic rides in the face of 50 mile an hour winds and sub-zero temperatures, I spent a lovely - well almost lovely Sunday - riding with good looking women in good looking weather. Below is the lovely Connie, from the lovely Real Women Tri Team, waiting for her sister, the well-known star of time trials and cross, Amy, to return with the shoes she forgot to bring. The sisters (I seem to be on a real sister thing lately) could not figure out why I was there, and how I knew they were riding out of the usual Townsend launch site on a Sunday afternoon. They were probably also wondering how they could get rid of me.

The back story to my being there was this: just as I was about to take the mountain bike and "Betty" out for a spin I received a text from the lovely Laura M (well known road racing and cross star from the Priority Health Team) asking if I was "going to ride some dirt today." Liking the look of the words "going to ride some dirt today" I threw a cross bike in next to the mountain bike to attempt a "dirty-double" on a Sunday afternoon.

Here we are rolling out together. Laura and I turned up north, on dirt roads, not pictured here, hunting the Killer Chihuahua, who was nowhere to be seen. He took the Labor Day Holiday off I guess. After 30 miles of dirt road riding we reloaded, changed bikes and took our mountain bikes (and dog) to the Game Area for the second part of the "dirty-double".

Things were going well on the mountain bikes at first, trails were clear and packed, with hardly anyone else riding, when I "cased" a rooted climb and landed junk-first on juncture of the stem and steerer column. Let me tell you: that hurt.

It felt a lot like this looks ...

Or this ...

And a lot like this ...

The worst part was explaining the injury when you're riding with a woman. What do you say while you're writhing around on the ground?

(a) I've bruised my testicles.

(b) I've damaged my junk.

(c) I've whacked my balls.

(d) I've crushed the family jewels.

(e) I've bumped my un-meantionables.

(f) Excuse me, I seem to have scrambled my reproductive organs.

It's doubly hard to think of what to say when you're laying there seeing stars while a woman is staring down at you. I think I reverted to something I would have said in the third grade and added the "seeing stars" note. The blank look on my companion's face was a big question mark, none-the-less. I mean what could she be thinking? Like "what do you want me to do, put a slint on them/it?"

Thankfully the pain receded and we rode on. We were all pretty gassed after "riding all that dirt" but none more so than the other lovely female that had joined us for the ride, Betty.

While Laura seems to be fresh enough for another loop, Betty is showing us her "Cross Tongue" which indicated she's not and is ready for some drinking.

Great ride ladies! But I gotta tell ya, that hurts ...

ALMOST EPIC

After our Epic-yet-Non-Epic ride on Tuesday we were set to experience a truly Epic ride on Thursday as the rain came down for most of the day and poured pretty heavily just before roll time. The Crazy Bastards that showed for this possibly Epic ride included CD, Doez, Dan the Man, Marshall, Jeff Z, and your humble Surly narrator.

While the rain let up just as we rolled out, it wasn't long before I started collecting some pretty nice splatter. We categorized the mud as either diarrhea or peanut butter in consistancy. Yummy stuff, huh?

It wasn't long before the ride took a real turn toward Epic when we all dove for cover at the sound of a shotgun blast - at extremely close range. But of course it wasn't a shotgun, it was just Marshall's "tubeless" wheels exploding. If you haven't heard a tubeless wheel "let go," it's Epically loud! Mechanicals are always a good way to get going Epic, and trying to remount a tubeless set-up on a muddy road is certainly toying with Epic.

This is the best shot of Marshall I took all night. You can see that after only a few miles he's already acquired a nice "skid mark."

We rode on without another incident, so the ride could hardly be considered Epic, I guess. At least I looked like I had achieved some sort of Epic-Ride-a-tude with a diarrhea spattered face, legs, and bike.

A lot for that mud was from this guy's wheel. Dan The Man certainly can chew up the road and spit it out. Some motor he's got. He rode home after the ride ...

Back in the lot we quickly rehydrated ourselves with appropriate recovery drinks. Here's CD with a Giant Recovery Beverage in hand.

While everyone in the group was absolutely filthy, Doez managed to stay very, very clean. In fact in this photo he looks a lot like MR. CLEAN, doezn't he?

Here's a look at my once clean bike. Total road diarrhea all over the poor thing. Time to build another 'cross bike. This one has had it.

Before heading to the Honey Creek for some solid food, and possibly more recovery drinks, I popped one of my favorites. A nice blond Belgie Leffe.

Speaking of blonds, it wasn't too long after finishing our Fried Carp and Blue Gills that we were called over to this table to explain ourselves. It turns out that they are known locally as the "Nugent Sisters" for whom one of our favorite roads to ride "Ted Nugent Highway" is named. They had all sorts of questions about biking and so on. They also suggested that we should change the name of our "Gang" from Crazy Bastards to "Bald Crazy Bastards." Thanks Nugent Sisters! I only wished I had asked them about their dad, Ted.

One of the Nugent Sisters was particularly engaging and vivacious. She's a real estate agent from South Carolina. She tried to talk me into some nice lake property on a beautiful lake in South Carolina. As she talked to me I think she dropped something into my drink ...

Pretty soon she starting looking like this ...

And this morning I woke up owning lake property that looked like this ...

Now if that's not Epic, I don't what is.

IT'S THURSDAY - WANT TO GET MUDDY?

Staring out the window, wondering: to ride or not to ride? That's a stupid question.

Before making lame promises about riding in the rain tonight, let me start by apologizing to Lee for not being there for practice last night. I had bailed on the idea thinking that it it was going to rain, and that the rain earlier in the day had made the ground too soft for practice. Lee, you were seen leaving the Park, cursing my name and shaking your fist in the air, furiously pedaling your Redline at speeds Sven Nys would be proud of. Sorry about that Lee, I promise I won't do it again, unless of course, I do it again.

Taking a quick spin, later than the appointed practice hour, I discovered that the ground wasn't wet, or soft, but was in fact pretty damn hard and capable of resting the impact of a full metal jacket at point blank range. On my way back to the Cross Barn after a short test, I was tracked down by a car with two occupants, who turned out to be a young couple that was seeking CROSS GUIDANCE, and THE WAY over the barriers. So, I grabbed a handful of collapsable barrier and had a mini-practice after all.

Tonight I'm thinking that I will take the D bike, which is the back-up bike for the back-up bike to the B bike and taking a spin out of Townsend at the appointed hour.

Anybody feel like giving it a try? Remember, mud washes off. And a good muddy ride is good practice ...