Wanna know something 'bout cross? Well dude, put the bong down for a minute and I'll tell you everything you need to know ...
Due to the Retirement of The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge, The All Knowing Hippy Chick of Cross will now be providing us with answers to all of our 'cross and gravel racing questions. It's great to know that she's on the scene, because I've got a lot a questions that need to be answered.
I'll have some fries with that poodle, thanks!
You remember the Cyclocross Chef of knowledge from a few years ago? He knew it all, he fried it all he dished all the 'cross info we were hungry for. Unfortunately he has retired and now has a television cooking show in Korea called "Dog Eat Dog." Tune in some time, it's tasty!
1. TRAIN OR TAPER FOR THE RACE THIS WEEKEND?
The Lowell 50 is coming up this Saturday (have you registered yet? If not do it here and now!) and a lot of people want to know, like me, if it's too late to start training or if I should start tapering? People like Tony H, pictured above, have started to taper for a race that's weeks away. Tony is a pretty fast guy and seems to know what he's doing. What should I do?
THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Crap, the race is Saturday. WTF and you want to start training now? Well dumb ass it's too late to start training, like that would help anyway, so you might as well just do what Tony is doing right now - start drinking! That way you'll either not feel the pain or just entertain the rest of the racers by puking in the ditch after the first five miles. Kinda like the Swanzy does when he races ...
2. COULD I PLAY CATCH UP BY MOTOR PACING MYSELF INTO SHAPE BY SATURDAY - YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PRO'S DO?
THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Man you are one dumb f*ck, aren't you. Listen up loser, the only thing you're get from motor pacing probably some frostbite from the wind chill and a cough from eating exhaust. Leave motor pacing so somebody that is totally freaked out flipped out and wazzzzzzupppsiiiiicksoofreeeekingsssiiick like the dude above.
(For Sale $400 - really)
3. I DON'T HAVE A DEDICATED GRAVEL BIKE. WILL MY CYCLOCROSS BIKE WORK FOR THE LOWELL 50, ON SATURDAY?
THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: While I hate to prop up the Capitalist Pig Establishment that runs this country, and put money in the pockets of those profiting from pure marketing and consumerism baloney of having to have a dedicated bike for everything, I have to say that you don't stand a chance in Timothy Leary's most freaked out Acid Nightmares without a dedicated Gravel Bike. Cross bikes just don't work. I don't know why, but they don't. Something about the weird-ass chainstays or some shit like that. My advice is to ride a single-speed, like the one above that is now for sale at a low, low Lowell 50 discount price and available for the race this weekend. By riding a single speed you can ride as stoned or as blind drunk as you want, 'cause you never have to make a decision like, "uh which gear now?" The other big plus of a single speed is that you have a ready excuse for sucking and coming in DFL. It's like, "Hey I couldn't keep up, I was on a single speed and my 53 x 14 just bogged down in the hills ..."
4. WHAT KIND OF TIRES SHOULD I ROLL?
THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Roll what Aaron is rolling -and smoking apparently. Whatever those hot-ass skins are he seems to get off on them. I dig the color too. Isn't orange the color of "INSANITY?" Must be, look at Huntington's eyes. Whoa, whacked, dude, whacked!
(A typical Slayer Training Ride)
5. WILL MOUNTAIN BIKERS HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE IN A RACE LIKE THE LOWELL 50? HOW ABOUT AT ICE MAN?
(Is Ice Man a Mountain Bike race, or a Time Trial? Maybe we'll Julie Boonen Davison's brother next time.)
6. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I RIDE OR RACE THIS SEASON IT RAINS AND THERE'S MUD UP TO THE SEAT. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S 'CROSS ROMANTIC, BUT I'M F*%KING SICK OF IT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: For a two-bit guy like you I say the best bet is wipe the whiney-ass mud-snot of your face and go to the nearest, and crumbiest car wash you can find. Don't listen to all that crap from the boyz in the bike shop about power washing bikes, either. Half of those dimwits are stoners and they've got nothing better to do than clean shit out of the cracks with a tooth brush and smoke Wednesday Weed. Besides that they make new bottom brackets and hubs, duh, don't they?
(A scene that keeps repeating itself this season)
If you don't dig the car wash, and don't have a garden hose, then maybe you could find somebody like this to wash your bikes ... but I think it will cost somebody like you more than a handful of tokens ... dude ...
"Peace out, bitches! Now for some real music. Enjoy the ride!"