LOOKING FOR THE ULTIMATE CRAZY BASTARD COACH

Most of us need a coach that will get right in our faces. Until we get sick of that and just want to screw off.

Yesterday I was on the fence about training and was looking for some answers. I guess what I needed was a coach - about ten years ago. It's a little late now. In this episode I'm trying to decide on what type of coach would be the perfect Crazy Bastard Coach - if there is such a thing - and you'll have to read until the end to find out! Here we go in our search ...

The Hippy Chick knows her cross, but doesn't have time to coach your sorry ass. Sorry, sorry ass.

Yesterday I was looking just for answers and a shortcut to success. So I quizzed THE ALL KNOWING CYCLOCROSS HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, hoping to find an easy solution. You can see what that all came to here.

Frites and mayo? Yeah, you don't look like you could use that, fat ...

Years ago, back in 2010 in fact, I tried the same thing by leaning on the CYCLOCROSS CHEF OF KNOWLEDGE. While I didn't get any better training tips, I sure did put on a lot of weight. Thanks Chef!

Experienced at 'cross, but maybe color blind.

When looking for coach, look for someone with experience, like the MICHIGAN PIRATE OF 'CROSS, above. Whether they have the time or inclination to coach you is another thing. Experience, and somebody like the Pirate has a lot, will tell him you're not worth the effort.

Silly Kelly. It's always good to work in some humor with your training and racing, and have some fun.

While a coach like this may seem fun on the surface, it's probably hiding a killer work effort that you don't want any part of.

Then there's this approach to coaching and training.

Well, uh,  no ...

This guy is smart. Probably smarter than all of us put together. 

Do brains alone make a good coach? The smart guy above loves training in total crap weather. He rides his steel single speed cross bike in so much mud and snow that it's a wonder  there's any paint left on it from all the power washing. His motto to training: "Slow speed, high watts, baby." Yeah, too smart for me.

All-round superior riders that know how to train right.

Unfortunately they don't have time to share the secrets with you. That's how smart they are.

Then there's old school.

 Thanks coach! You've made me what I am today!

... completely insane. 

In selecting a coach, you want somebody that's really into cycling, heart and soul.

But not this guy. He looks smelly.

You may want a coach that believes in enjoying the ride, too.

But not this crazy b&$#ch.

Champions that have beers named after them are also a good bet for a coach.

As well as racers that drink the beer of Champions.

Or you could go Hollywood and pick a national icon and get coached online.

More beer drinking coaching here, I think,

But apparently the beer drinking approach does seem to work for some. 

If you follow In the Crosshairs you'll find one of the best teaching tools around are the #SVENNESS videos that crop up on their site after big European races. Watch these and learn from the best rider in the world, most often that rider being Sven Nys. The downside is that I look at this stuff, and yeah it's great, but do I have any of the skills or the engine to pull any of this shit off? The answer is NO. Still it's fun to watch.Tune in here.

#SVENNESS 2.3 from In The Crosshairs on Vimeo.

Finally here's the ultimate Crazy Bastard coach, in my opinion. You don't really work hard or train hard, because you have no expectations of success. He knows you are a loser and just keeps pounding that reality home. It's just a long, drawn out process of humiliation. A lot like everyday life. Watch and learn, kids. I love his use of the word, "miscreant."

Weak Men Pay This Boxing Coach To Tell Them They Are Terrible from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.