Thursday, March 21, 2013

Stupid Bicycle Races

Some people live for stupid bicycle races. The stupider the more awesomer. Just ask the all knowing, all seeing, all chewing, all tree-climbing little Koala bear.

Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that there are a lot of stupid bike races out there right now, like the plethora of weird-one-off races taking place in a day or two, or week or three, and on and on until the actual race season begins when it all gets really stupid. No, what I'm saying is that they're stupid, like stupid good, crazy, sick, or bad-ass as in great, not bad. You know, like this ...

Being stupid, is kinda of like being sick. Just hope there' a nurse like this for your kind of bike racing stupid - you may need this health care pumper in pumps for the race this weekend. See my  Barry Ruby™ Conditions Rating™ Chart,  for the upcoming Scary Ruby™ on Saturday. I'm certain you're doing it. Everyone is.

It doesn't matter where you live, Michigan, Portland, Colorado, Portland, New Mexico, Portland, Australia, Portland, Mexico, Portland, South Africa, Portland, Alaska or Portland you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a stupid race right in the spokes. Take for example Cult Cross. Cult Cross was created to fill needs of cyclocross racers that didn't get enough 'cross race pain and suffering from August through February. Born in the High Country and the Front range, wherever the fuck that is, the promoters dropped in a cross series to cover the spring months. Whatever spring is. Have you seen spring? As you can see the branding is all about suffering and pain - and how it's a bad thing to let up on the pain for even a few weeks?

Here's a little video from the promoters about what Cult Cross is all about. Nice guys, but I still don't get the High Country / Front Range stuff. What country does this take place in again?

If suffering from the fall through most of the winter makes sense to you, I guess the question is why stop ever? And why can't we enjoy cyclocross suffering all Summer long? It seems that road racing and mountain bike leave a lot of suffering to be desired, for some reason. And if the suffering and pain part is all we really want out of our cycling experience then  why don't we all just pick up some rusty dental equipment at a garage sale and save all that money we squander on carbon bikes and expensive wheels, registrations and travel, and just take our non-stop masochistic selves to the basement. "Is it safe, right?" 

Stupid races don't just take place in the High Country or Front Range (isn't that a movie with Kevin Costner and Bob Duvall?) It's everywhere in the world. And apparently very popular in places where everybody sounds like they are narrating an Australian beer commercial.

I found this race (above) exceptionally stupid because of the over-the-top video that touts it. It all begins with a profound reading of a T.S. Eliot or Charles Bukowski poem with dramatic shots of dead bodies and skulls, war and images of raw survival on the Veldt. Next thing we see are a bunch of knuckleheads on single speeds all dressed in drag, bras, slips, tights, as if they were living in Portland. Crazy, hip, or just plain stupid? The exceptionally stupid part isn't just riding around Africa, Australia, Antarctica, or wherever they talk like a continues Foster's Beer commercial, wearing their mommies underwear, riding around WOOF MUTHAFUCKA signs, and getting stupid tattoos at the end of the ride, it's riding a single speed mountain bike in a place where there are animals that can eat your ass if you can't get away that's the most stupid part. And believe me, you can't get away from much on a single speed mountain bike. Ask my dog. I'm just glad she can't eat me. But this WOOF MUTHAFUCKA could ... 

Too bad in the middle of "Kunye", the single speed race across Afristraulia we didn't see some of this sweet animal on cyclist action.

Like I said there are stupid races all over the world. You've probably seen this stupid kind of race, which really goes beyond stupid, it's pretty much fucking insane. I think it takes place somewhere in Mexistraulia. The beer they drink there is probably called something like Dos Fosteruis.

Whenever I watch one of these Stupid/Insane downhill races I'm always waiting for a dog, a drunk, or a Mexistraulian Cab driver (drunk and high) to pull out in front of the stupid/insane bike racers. Good advertising for Red Bull isn't it? If I ever decided I want to die I don't need to shoot myself, I'll just drink a bunch of Red Bull and I'll do something stupid enough on my bike to kill myself. The added benefit is that the video of me offing myself will probably go viral. The downside, I'll be too dead to see it.

Red Bull. It gives you wings.

The 2013 Yukon to North Pole Race could be called stupid by people that are afraid to freeze to death or get eaten by wolves. But then those people are big babies. Like me. Here's a shot of our own Dan Jansen, taken from some kind of flying machine because the photographer wasn't stupid enough to get down there with him. Pretty impressive, actually. Hat's off to Dan, who has his hat off - strange because it 120 degrees below zero!

In this stupid good and crazy bike race,  where people race their Fat Bikes from the Yukon, someplace that's even colder than Michigan, to the North Pole where it's so cold it's literally stupid. Our own Dan Jansen (above) did this race and survived. That is certainly bad-ass, and at the same time stupid crazy when you think what could have happened out there on the frozen tundra (Green Bay Packer's Field?). While we are wildly happy to report that Dan was a successful finisher of this stupid hard race some were not as lucky or tough ...

In the Yukon to North Pole Race keeping ahead of starving wolves is more important than a podium step. And on a Fat Bike, that's stupid challenge. (See Cheetah video somewhere above and factor that the wolf may be slower, but that the fat bike on snow is too.)

After the wolf made his catch all you could hear was wolf burping and belching from that distant tree line.

Could be last year's Barry Ruby™? Or maybe not. Looks like it anyway. Let's call it a dramatic re-enactment of a race that hasn't happened yet, shall we?

Due to stupid cold, icy and snowy conditions this weekends Barry Ruby™, or recently renamed Scary Ruby™, could fall into the stupid file. With over ten-thousand participants there has been some concern that the snowy and icy trails will become some kind of stupid bike trap that will strand racers out in the Meth Lab infested woods of Barry County for weeks to come. The sheer number of people doing this race is literally mind-blowing to somebody like me who thinks a field of 30 in a race is big. Barry Ruby™ is now so big and popular I hear about it from people I don't even know, and that don't even look like bikers. The Barry Ruby™ buzz is on the street, in restaurants, and in the shower.

Here's another dramatic re-enactment of a Barry Ruby™ incident, overhead by your humble reporter, just last night in the MVP locker room.

Hey, any you guys doing the Barry Ruby™ this weekend? I heard they were going to call it the Scary Ruby™ but then they took out all the stupid hard parts that mountain bikers like us dudes are so good at, and it's the Barry Ruby™ again. Did you hear that? You still doin' it?

Yes, yes, yes! We're going to be there, you betcha! Do we look stupid enough to miss the most epic race of all time? Even without the stupid hard parts that would have given well-washed mountain bikers, such as ourselves a distinct advantage over pathetic road racers and cyclocross racers that are actually better on that shit than we are, we're still gonna do it. Now could you bend over and pick that soap up for us?

Let's hope that conditions are good this weekend. With over 10,000 riders on this trail, a little ice and snow could go a long way .... down.

Speaking of bending over and picking up the soap, there have been crazy stupid predictions for the race this weekend and the possible race winners. There was even my own stupid Barry Ruby™ Conditions Rating™ Chart, which doesn't actually predict winners, or the conditions, but it just gives you an idea of what to expect, depending on the cards Momma Nature deals you on Saturday, which covers everything from #1 fast and dry, to #6 we're all going to die.

For out an out and out lead-pipe and sure thing-locked up picks the all knowing Koala Bear once again busted out some some surprising predictions which include everything from real-world favorites to the Koala's usual "WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?" picks. To understand the Koala Bear's selections, especially if you are going to be gambling big bucks and the farm on the race like I am (and will probably be going into a gambling rehab unit after the race when Bob doesn't win), you have to get into the Koala's head and find out how he knows so damn much about bike racing even though he lives at the top of a tree in far off Afristraulia. Well I found out how the Koala does it by getting my sweaty gambling mitts on this exclusive Koala footage shot on location in Afristraulia. Drink up the cycling knowledge of Koala and let it enlighten you like a six pack of ice cold Dos Fosteruis.  Good luck to everyone  racing. I've hear that the temps on Saturday are going to be the 40s so all should be good, fun and epic. Enjoy, ride hard and be safe!


  1. What a great time to be a PT!!!

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