Friday, March 22, 2013

Ruby, Ruby, Barry Ruby, When Will You Be Mine?

Barry Ruby™ Approved/Not Approved Course Sweeper™

Otto and I plan to play unofficial sweeper tomorrow on Otto's SHIT JUST GOT REAL SNOW SLED (as long as there is no actual law or ordinance against it, or somebody digs up that warrant on Otto)  to make sure there's no one left behind - at least not alive. While I thought I had covered all possibilities of conditions in my trademarked yet worthless Barry Ruby™ Conditions Rating™ Chart, Dan Socie, the man and the myth behind Soigneur products for the athlete (I'm pretty sure Dan will be at the Soigneur tent tomorrow so you can congratulate him on one-upping and essentially destroying my Barry Ruby™ Conditions Rating™ Chart) with an up-to-the-almost-damn minute report, complete with live still photos from the course.

I only thought about ice, snow and mud. I forgot about dog shit and road kill.

According to Dan, here's what Barry Ruby riders can expect to find on the course tomorrow. Of course you won't see this, you'll just be running over it before you know it, because you're going to be surrounded by 10,000 other racers gunning for one of three steps on the Barry Ruby™podium. (Good luck on that!) Hopefully the aroma of 20,000 legs slathered in Soigneur Embrocation, and 20,000 butt cheeks stewing in Soigneur Chamois Creme, will kill the smell. Here's Dan's report (This just in: Dan reported that he picked this photo (above) and report (below) from Rick Plite.) on that thing called Facebook, this morning:

You’ve Been Warned!

... roads have fresh road kill, dog crap, snow, ice, mud, ruts, washboards and dry sections. The 62 milers need to hold your breath on Henry St near the dead skunk. On a good note, I spoke with the road commission and we will pay them for an extra pass to drop more sand tomorrow for all courses.

Well I'm glad to hear about the sand. That will improve the possibility of survivability if you believe my conditions rating #5 and #6. The sand will also provide a proper burial for the dead critters and turn the dog shit into something resembling fried chicken or a Clif Bar,

The only thing to really watch out for when you're racing tomorrow is road kill that look like this ...

Kelly Paterson, MI State Cyclocros Champion, found a photo of this creature. I don't know if she was riding the Barry Ruby™course or not, but it looks like something from Barry County. You know those crazy meth heads out there in the woods ... it's all just fun and games until the cross-species breeding starts!

The thing above, a cross between a human baby and possum, may be something you want to avoid if you see it laying on the course tomorrow. First, it's big fat and will probably take you out if it's dead or alive. Being possum (should oh-possum, I know) it could just be playing dead, and still be alive when you hit it. It could also just be overcome with Soigneur Embrocation fumes and has just fainted. If you hit it, and it is alive, and kill it, you may be brought up on manslaughter charges (ask Otto about that when you see him on  the sled tomorrow) since the creature may or may not be half human. Also figure that the Barry County Prosecutor may be related to it ... you know those small communities.

So hear are things you'll need tomorrow ...

Plenty of this and embrocation. And don't get them mixed up! Not only will your ass be kissably soft, and your legs warm, you'll also kill the smell of dead animals littered around the course.

You'll also need one of these crappy new helmets. Perfect for crap-weather riding. This is the latest thing from Specialized. They just released it in an effort to close the Crappy Looking Helmet gap Giro had on them.

Taylor Phinney, get on the bus. And what's that on your lid, frosting or Italian Love Batter?

As you can see above the crappy new helmet designs look so much cooler than regular old helmets with those vents that let shit (tomorrow literally shit) leak onto your head. The crappy new design let the world see the epicness of the elements stuck to your dome.

What are you riding in tomorrow's Barry Ruby™, Surly?
 ... asked no one, ever.

Well that's not true, people do ask, but they all assume that I will be rocking a 'cross bike. Unfortunately I don't have a 'cross bike that would withstand the rigors and jarring of the Barry Ruby™course - not because it's that rough, but because I have hollowed out all the carbon tubes and filed away most metal material of my bikes to make them as light as possible for cross racing. They are perfectly timed to "fall to pieces" after approximately 45 minutes of racing, making them unsuitable for Barry Ruby™ style racing. 

Lately I have been telling people that I will race Barry Ruby™ when I get a Fat Bike. I've been holding off getting a Fat Bike, but once I saw this proud beauty I knew I had to have it. It's just got Barry Ruby™ written all over it, don't you think so?

No, this is the way to rock a Fat Bike. I think there's even a cup holder for my Embro!

Unfortunately it didn't arrive in time for this year's race, so it looks like I'm going to be riding shotgun with Otto tomorrow. Good luck everyone racing, or just standing around drinking beer.  To keep everyone motivated, like Soigneur products do, Otto and I are going to be blasting the official Barry Ruby™ Theme Song™ out from giant speakers on Otto's SHIT JUST GOT REAL SNOW SLED™. Crank up the volume, and enjoy Barry Ruby™ Racers!

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