Saturday, January 5, 2013

KICKING THE NEW YEAR OFF WITH A GOOD WHINE AND SOME BEAR BASHING


Awwwww, so cute. But who cares? Wait until you find out!

I'm kicking the New Year off with a little whining about going soft, handing out awards for showing up, being nice, kissing the right ass, and so on. Maybe it's because I just started 2013 with the f*cking flu and enough family problems  that a trailer full of straight-jackets and an atom bomb stuffed of anti-depressants couldn't cure it all. First let's get to thought of having some serious concerns about the hardmen and hardwomen we see racing cross, mountainbikes and road around here. I wasn't even thinking about the subject until I saw the photo of the little bear above being "Liked" one of the notorious hardmen of Michigan 'Cross, John Osgood. Let me tell you that was some kind of let down. I mean when I saw that disgusting little creature I was looking for the Face Book "Hate" button, or organize another Seal/Bear Cub Hunt Ride. Osgood on the other hand "Liked" it ... how far have you fallen Mr. Chunky Dunker, the guy who used to heckle me - "If you can taste blood in your throat you're not going hard enough" - huh, what happened?


A few weeks ago Osgood was actually killing people with his 'cross bike. See the body in the background? Yeah, Osgood did that. Now he's liking warm fuzzy pictures of polar bear cubs.


Andrew Staub, Tough Guy, Race Promoter riding through a nuclear blast - and now he's a lover of Broadway Musicals? 

When I "thought" I saw race promoter and confessed Beat The Train pod cast blabber-mouth Andrew Staub posting a comment about "Les Miserable" the musical, and how he though some of the voices were good, other's weren't, I just about threw up in my mouth! I even called Andrew and he said he hadn't written the review but that he would mind going to see the movie. WTF!


Yeah, I was dreaming a dream. Like cross guys liking Les Mis' and polar bear cubs. And like I woke up in hell and that instead of being at a cross race I was at some suck-ass broadway musical with a teddy bear in my arms.



I guess this is what some of your closets are going to be looking like in 2013. Which one are you going to be wearing to work at the cat shelter today, honey?

AMERICAN'S ARE PUSSIES
Louisville looks easy compared to these. Enjoy and I hope America's ready!

Further evidence of our decline in toughness was validated by JMAK's blog on December 21st, in which he made the case, with video proof, that American cyclocrossers are "Pussies" (except, ironically for American Women Cyclocrossers) compared to their Euro counterparts. While this video is pretty brutal, I actually think it got worse in the slew of races over the holidays. 

KOALA BEAR MICHIGAN CYCLISTS OF THE YEAR AWARDS - SCRATCHING UP THE WRONG TREE?


Okay you're first, you're second, and you're kinda of hot, you're a runner up.

I had never heard of Koala Bears living in Northern Michigan until last week, but apparently they do. They also love cycling, which is another thing I never knew about them. While friends and family tried to shield be from its existence and the work it was doing in our northern woods, others, not so worried I might have a stroke, sent me missives about the Koala's recent activities. Apparently its cute little toes can type on a keyboard, as well as climb trees and eat leaves and I guess it made a list of what it thinks are Michigan's best cyclists in all sorts of cycling sports, including cyclocross. To say that while it's as cute as a baby polar bear, the Koala wasn't quite hitting it off with the some of the cycling community here in Michigan. Here's one email that I received, below. The author will forever remain as anonymous as a 'Scener, TMS commenter, the names and categories he's referring to have been "redacted" as they like to say in Washington, to protect the innocent.
"Who the fuck writes this @#$%$ blog?  It's horseshit.  The writer sits on a throne of lies.  @#$%$ as @#$%$ of the year and @#$%$ as a runner up?  @#$%$ did like X @#$%$ races and X were @#$%$.  And nobody cares about @#$%$.  @#$%$!!!!!!!  Now I am going to bed."
  

While I was fascinated with profanity and wild accusations in the email,  but I absolutely fell in love with the phrase "SITS ON A THRONE OF LIES." After a little investigation I discovered that it wasn't original and that it came from the movie ELF starring Will Ferrell. I also liked that after the sweet rant, anon was going directly to bed.

After looking up the the results that the "Anon" was referring too on the Koala Bear's blog, or whatever it was, I too, was a little baffled by the results. It seems that if you wanted to be recognized as a Koala Bear Cyclocross Cyclist of the Year contender, for instance, you needed to stay completely away from Tailwind races, and not win, or maybe not even compete for a State Championship. While I thought there were a few fine cyclocrossers recognized, there were far too many really good ones that weren't. But I guess maybe it's just that the Koala is just kinder and gentler than the rest of us, and that it's not really about competition and winning, but about something I know nothing about ... like kid's soccer, where all those little shits get trophies for just showing up and not throwing up pizza in the back of the mini-van.


Here, have a trophy. Everybody gets one. Just let me saw the legs off the tall ones so they're all the same size.


Richard Sachs, famed cyclocross frame maker has turned having his own damn opinion into a nice side business with his AND THAT MY OPINION tao, and line of luggage.

I think it's perfectly okay for the Koala to hand out awards as it fast as it can paw the keyboard, but I needs to add, like I do, or more famously, Richard Sachs, who's always pissing people off with his wacky opinions, with his famous ATMO (And That's My Opinion) which he has practically made into a industry unto itself.


SO WHO ISN'T MUNCHING POP CORN AT MUSICAL OR CUDDLING WITH A CUTE BEAR?



This woman for one - I notice though that she didn't bother add an ATMO.



Here's proof that she means what she says.  Looks like she tried to plant that thing like a potato and still climbed onto the podium.

Well as JMAK pointed out, and anybody that watched Namur or Zolder this year has to give it to the Euro crossers for being tough. There was outlandish mud this year and every race turned into a death march with two too go. And as far as winning, you could see that it meant everything.




Here's a nice move by Stybar at the end of the race, showing the new guy what he things about his sprint for the the line.


Here's the fruit basket that Styby sent the guy after he almost killed him. Nice touch. Baby.


In another Holiday race a fan threw a beer at Sven Nys. What did The Kannibal of Baal do? Stopped in the middle of the race, went into the crowd and tracked the guy down and then ...


... ate him alive. This is what they found by the flyover.



12 comments:

  1. THRONE OF LIES.
    sounds much better than the Dope Show. what do you think you bastard?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dope Show Sitting on a Throne of Lies has a nice ring to it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. you have angry friends... who writes that @#$%? about some @#$%ing blog? Get a life!!

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  4. I nominate that creepy thing in TMS avatar for keeper of the interwebz peace

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  5. What are you talking about, she's a beauty dude. And peace? Are you kidding me, she's rockin' an Uzi.

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  6. Replies
    1. How 'bout ...Doping on a Throne of Fries.. or is that Frites?

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  7. Hey what can I say "bears" still together! This is awesome by the way. I think the kolala blog is an offshoot of the mmba forum... atmo. And stop stalking me on FB! Pervert!

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    Replies
    1. You start snuggling farm fuzzy cuddly things for real and I'm picking up Frisbee Golf and a six of Miller Lite.

      Delete