MUD, BLOOD, BEERS & BARE BUTTS

Last's night's ride wasn't as muddy as expected, but that doesn't mean it was totally uneventful. While there was some mud, there's was quite a bit of blood, as you'll learn later, a few beers, and no, no bare butts here, but somewhere nearby, as I've been told.

Actually the photo of the bare-butt ride below was sent to me by Killer Kubiak who was on her way to our ride (her new favorite ride we've heard) when she discovered that she had forgotten an essential (she seems to think so) piece of riding gear: her shorts. Well lucky for her she found a bare-ass ride that didn't require shorts somewhere in the Belmont vicinity, which looks a lot like Europe in this photo. These people, I assume, are on a giant bare-ass ride for ice-cream in Rockford. While it looks like fun, on a muddy road I think you'd have an issue with that rear-skunk stripe.

Where's Killer Kubiak? When they get to the barriers she's the one with style!

Killer K also forward this photo of a new friend she made riding last night. I guess he's coming to next week's ride.

Ready for DFL style costume 'cross racing. Just needs a bike.

On our ride, where shorts are only suggested, but not mandatory, we were glad to see Flying Bats, aka Craig, Angry John aka Angry John aka Angry John, Werdy and a new Bastard, Adam M, the most dreaded and scorned rider on the local cyclocross scene today.

Angry John says hello with just a look: "Yeah, what the fuck are you lookin' at?"

For those who haven't met him, here's a good look at the newest Crazy Bastard on the block below: Adam M. Adam is the only guy to ever go from welcomed newcomer to scorned and hated sandbagger in two days. Coming in at the top of his first cross race ever he was immediately labeled a hard-core sandbagger and scorned like some kinda of new-age leper. Hey Adam, welcome to the warm and friendly world of West Michigan Cycling! We're glad your here, just as long as you don't kick all our pathetic asses!

Adam wondering how he got kicked up to the A's after only half-a-lap of his first 'cross race.

Now on with the gory part of the ride. As I said, it wasn't too muddy, so rolling was pretty easy. I was just casually riding along, talking to Angry John, when our eyes met across the muddy and potholed road. His eyes said it all.

"Yeah, what the fuck are you lookin' at?"

In an instant our souls entwined, looking something like this in my imagination. I gotta ask you, is it so wrong?

Angry John and I - but only in my dreams.

Well it only takes a moment of distraction when you're riding a highly tuned race bike (my crappy Kona) on a semi-sloppy road for things to go horribly wrong in a hurry. Love hurts, and so does dishing your front wheel in a pothole and taking out a fellow Bastard that's on your wheel. While Bats was imploring me to stop, and I was telling him, "hey I'm okay, I gotta get going and catch John ..." I suddenly realized that Werdy was down.

Luckily women dig scars. Luckier still, Werdy has plenty of women at home. Yeah they're going to love this.

I've got to hand it to Werdy. He really takes pain well, and showed a lot of restraint. If it had been me I would have been calling myself a stupid doooshbag for such sloppy and thoughtless riding. (Hey I was in love, what can I say?). For a little crash, on a soft muddy road Werdy was pretty cut up. He kept on rolling but had to continually keep washing the blood off, which just kept flowing mile after mile. Dogs were following the blood trail.

A bloody meatball of a knee indeed. Sorry about that Werdy!

As he kept bleeding I started to worry that Werdy would get gangrene in the wound and we would have to amputate back at the parking lot. With only bottle openers, a mini-tool, and a pedal wrench it was going to be tough and messy job. And what would happen to Werdy afterward? Well we could fashion him a peg leg out of a carbon-fiber down-tube and get him a parrot.

The new Werdy? Which side will he be dismounting on now?

In support of Werdy, and his new configuration, we could all get in on the act and become Crazy Bastard Peg Leg Pirates. Can you imagine this crew showing up at your next cyclocross races? Yeah it would be awesome.

Arrgh matey, 'ere's the new team. Dig the kit? Yeah everybody will want one.

As Crazy Bastard Peg Leg Pirates we can also bring one of our favorite dishes, Deep Fried Asian Carp, to a wider audience by incorporating it into our new brand. But first we'll add a secret batter made out embrocation, chain lube and that stuff stuck to the back of my riding gloves.

Yummy in your tummy: Deep Fried Asian Carp in a Secret Batter! Now that's cardiac goodness!

From there I'm guessing it won't be long until we have our own franchise. I'm thinking it will look something like this:

Good luck to everyone, wherever you're racing in the midwest this weekend. We'll be looking for race reports, as well as bare-butt, bare-ass adventures wherever and whenever you find them.

RIDE TONIGHT @ 6 PM

Here's how you remember the ride leaves at 6. One hand, or leg straight up, the other hand, or leg, straight down. It's simple! And fun! Try it yourself!

Just to remind everyone that tonight's ride (Thursday 09.16.10) is supposed to leave the station at 6 pm. On Tuesday we had people showing up for 6 p.m. roll-outs (correct), 6:30 p.m. roll-outs (wrong), and even one person who thought, or had heard (yeah right) that we roll-out at 6:45 p.m (wronger). No, it's 6 p.m. for the next week or so, when the light gets so low that we need lights and then we'll change it to 6:30.

Practice Report 9.15.10: Had a lot of people at practice. Thanks to everybody who helped set up and tear down. Very interesting course. Some new people got hooked on it, I think. Was a lot of fun. Check it out next week if you need to brush up some skills and get a little cross on during the mid-week lull.

There's was a literally a gaggle of riders out for dirt road fun on Tuesday. In this photo we can only see a half-a-gaggle at most. I need a wide-angle gaggler lens, I guess.

Tuesday's ride was a big one with a whole gaggle of people. Some new some old. We kept it together pretty well until we got near the barn. If you heard that this is just a hammer-fiesta, you're wrong.

Cupcake, looking real cupcakey before the ride.

The always photogenic Redline Bastard. Hey look over here, will'ya?

After missing photos of JZ Jeff, aka Redline Bastard, aka Z-Man because of a dead camera, and lousy photography skills over the past few weeks I finally got one.

Yeah, I'm thinking pilates. That's why he's so fast!

After the ride Tony does some stretching. Or is he trying to tell us what time it is? I'm thinking it's eaither 4 o'clock or 9:30.

Machete and beverage. Muejer de Machete is lurking in the background.

The only known photograph of the Machetes together.

The ride's over. Beer time. Nice shit in the back of the Grandpa Van, too, ya old idiot.

I owe this photo to Machete, aka Slayer, aka Jeff H. He said we needed it because there are never any photos of me in these stupid reports. Now you see why. Thanks for the beer JZ / Redline Bastard. It was dirt-ridalicious.

See you tonight. But I can't remember what time we roll ... oh wait let me lift my leg. Yeah, 6!

CROSS CLINIC/PRACTICE TONIGHT

It's a long way to the top, especially carrying it that way, bud.

We'll meet at the far North End of Riverside Park tonight starting at around 5:00 for a little barrier practice, and tips on the old on-off-on-off. Use the North Entrance, across from the Veteran's Facility. The main park is full of Cross Country Runners, so don't even think of trying to get in there.

TONIGHT'S DIRT: RIDE @ 6

The 36er is the new 29er?

Planning on riding tonight with a roll-out at 6 p.m. While these rides aren't competitive and tonight's pace should moderate, as I've heard of a quite a few sore legs from the weekend's cross action, I'm still looking for an edge in equipment. I spotted this bad boy yesterday at FreeWheeler and am seriously thinking of adding it to the stable. I'll be laughing at potholes, hahahahah, and so on. And check out the chain!

Anyway, looking for a good ride tonight. See you Bastards there!

IS IT 'CROSS SEASON YET? WELL, DUH, YEAH

My favorite after-race beer in my favorite Pint Glass, with a shot of Glue

After an exciting weekend of clinics, races, 'cross, 'cross, and more 'cross I dragged my sore and beaten body, as well as my sore and beaten bikes, back to the Bastard Central Repair Garage for a little work. For the bikes this meant removing grass from the gears and mechs, straightening slipped bars, general tuning, and carving another notch in the seat-post indicating the third race of 2010. For myself, the repair consisted of way too many cold, blonde, Belgium Leffes, mixed with a shot of Vittoria Mastik One Tubular glue - which is a like a Boiler-Maker, only I call it a Belguim Tubular-Maker. Soon the neighbors were yelling about the stereo being too loud, or my strange play list of mixing Dave Brubeck and Lords of Acid in the same set being disturbing, or something, I'm not quite sure after four or five Belguim Tubular-Makers. I'm also not sure if I did any repairs on the bikes at all. Guess I'll find out at the next race.

Carbon bars are like a beautiful and dangerous woman. You love them, but sooner or later they're going to get you in trouble.

If you'll recall, in one of my earlier posts I wondered how long it would take before running carbon bars would get me into trouble. Not long, as it turned out. About lap three of the Plaster Creek race on Sunday they slipped and twisted downward, giving me that ghetto-bar-ride look. While it may be a fun to cruise downtown with that kind of set-up, let me tell you it just doesn't work on a cross course. However, this mechanical mishap gave me a chance to go to my back-up bike, as well as giving me an excuse to not place well. It turned out that the gearing on the B bike was perfect for the course and I had a flying day. Thanks Carbon Bars! You suck, but I love you anyway!

A practice course that will make some race courses jealous.

The weekend of 'cross actually started for me here, on at the Waterford Race course, in, uh, Waterford, on Saturday. The good folks at Tailwind, Kinetic Systems and those 'cross-nuts from the Flying Rhinos, put on a 'cross clinic. Here's a shot of the course they set-up which was pretty pro, even though it was just for practice. You can see the Orange Crush in the background. You'll also see that I try to put the Orange Crush in all the backgrounds of all the photos I take. It's like being in Paris and trying to get the Eiffel Tower in every shot, you know, here I am eating a croissant in front of the Eiffel Tower, here drinking an espresso in front of the Eiffel Tower, here I am getting picked up by a street walker in front of the Eiffel Tower, here I am being ignored by a Parisian Waiter in front of the Eiffel Tower ... you get the picture.

Patrick would you move over, you're blocking my view of the Orange Crush.

Joining me at the clinic, and the A & B race held later in the afternoon, was Crazy Bastard Patrick D. Jeff Z, aka Redline Bastard was also on the scene but the camera died before I could get a snapshot of him. Sorry JZ, Jeff, come Tuesday Night for the ride and I promise it will be all JZ night.

The pink and black headband makes a wonderful fashion statement, as well as being a handy tourniquet.

Also there for the clinic and race fun was Amy Haney, aka, Wife of Slayer, aka Muejer de Machete. She was rocking her matching team headband which is a delightful touch, don't you think? While she was working with another clinic group, across the track, I could hear her screaming as she flew down the Orange Crush for the first time. Kinda like a roller coaster, isn't it?

Now that's four parts Leffe, one part Mastik.

Here is just one of a few of the groups standing around listening to instruction on getting on and off the bikes, cornering, and how to mix tubular glue with beer. There were three different groups, and there must have been about 70 or so in all at the clinic, and a few more for showing up for the race. Instruction was conducted by Micheal Wissink, many times State Champ, National Champ, USGP Champ on and so on. If you don't know him you should. Just a great guy, and a great teacher. Also instructing was Ann Swartz, another of our many-time State and National Champs. Ann's a great teacher too. Just watch her race sometime. Smooooth!

Yeah, it looks like a green weed, with a little bud on it.

Here was another part of the clinic where the advanced class went down into the ravine to pick herb. I don't know what it was, but when smoked through a converted seat-tube filled with Belguim Tubular-Maker bubbling at the bottom bracket, I could darn near fly over those barriers!

I wished I had photos of the race at Plaster Creek, but as I said, the camera died Saturday and on Sunday my skinsuit didn't have a pocket to carrier it. For those of you that want to see what the night race, and the day race looked like at Plaster Creek at I suggest checking out Jack Kunnen Photography. Jack takes great 'cross photos.

After watching what amounted to one clinic and three races this weekend I have determined who's going good right now, and who's not. And I'm not talking about race results. In fact I am going to refrain from posting any results during the season here. Unless I win the World Championship. But if you want to see if you beat that guy with the bad side-burns (you hate him 'cause your side-burns or lack side-burns sucks) you'll have to go to the respective race/promoter sites to see that.

Right now here's my First Weekend Crazy Bastard 'Cross Hall of Significance:

Best Hole-Shot of The Weekend: Doez

I was standing there watching the start of the B Race at Plaster on Saturday night, watching that big B Train coming around the bend, to get the the shock of the new season - Doez leading it out and hitting the barriers first like he was on fire! Not only did he have a killer hole shot, but t he stayed at the front lap after lap. While Tom Burke had a nice Hole-Shot on Sunday, it didn't have the style of Doez's.

Most Improved Rider: Patrick Drueke

Patrick is killing it this year, so look out. Whenever he gets in front of me the gaps open up like a big "yawn," if you get what I mean. I think he won the race at Waterford this weekend, or crashed in the final turn which is just as good, if not better. He is also flying over the barriers.

Best Form By A Female Over the Barriers: Heather "Killer" Kubiak

After watching "Killer" race on the Saturday Night at Plaster Creek, I was amazed at her form. Lap after lap she was absolutely flawless on and off the bike. Even being a bit "vertically" challenged she just flowed over the barriers without a hop, making most of the big guys look "totally lame" by jumping and hopping all over the place. If you want to see how it is done, watch Killer. I remember at the first practice I was amazed at how good she was right at the start. Just a natural.

Best Form by A Male Over the Barriers: The Ethiopian

Jurrien looked great - and I'm not talking about his white skin-suit, 'cause that would be wrong is so many ways. I got to see him in the daylight, in the A/Elite Race at Plaster on Sunday. He's looking good and smooth and gets on and off the bike like a pro. Props to him for doing the A race, too. He should be there, but there's a lot of other guys that should be there too and they aren't stepping up. He's doing it right. My guess is that by the end of the year his going to be grabbing some super results.

Best New 'Cross Addict: Muejer de Machete

Amy H, looks 'Cross Crazed. First the clinic and then racing the next day. Looks like somebody's hooked.

While everybody knows the races here, I'd also like to point out that next weekend there will be two races over in Waterford, which is just a two hour drive from here. It's a great course, featuring a race track, all sort of terrain, chip timing, awards, and so on. There's also the Orange Crush, so if you go make sure to bring your camera.

Werdy, the official Crazy Bastard Cross fashion model, hard at work.

One last note. I saw this picture of Werdy on the BSNYC blog last week. How he got the gig for modeling Rapha's new riding shirt, is beyond me, but there he is. Good going Werdy! Who knew you were a fashionista baby!

THURSDAY NIGHT: THE BIG, THE BAD, & THE BALD

You know how people will say that certain riders "really have a big motor?" Well in this case Jeff Haney, aka Slayer, aka Machete, showed up with a really BIG motor. We all thought it was too much motor though, and chipped in paid him off to downsize his ride ...

Yeah, that's more like it Jeff. You're fast enough already. No need for the turbo charger and all that bondo in the doors. Amy Haney, aka Mrs. Slayer, aka Madam Machete, also joined the ride last night - she's (not) seen here, as she's hiding. For some reason we can never get her in a photo with Mr. Machete. How come guys? Big props to Amy for hanging in there for the whole ride. Nice ride!

Here are the various Bastards and Bastardettes preparing for the ride. It was a big group - I counted about 15 - but I could be wrong as anything over 10 requires removal of my cycling shoes, which is tough, since it they have these rachetey things on them that take about 10 minutes to open.

After preparing themselves, riders enter the second stage before the launch and roll out which is affectionately referred to as the "Herding Cats" period.

We were glad to see Marshall was back again after his "Near Epic Adventure" back on September 2. If you will recall Marshall's tubeless tire/wheel combo exploded killing three nearby squirrels and a woodchuck. This week Marshall selected a bike with a tire/wheel combo that could handle his favored 185 lbs. of rolling pressure.

You can see that Marshall is really enjoying himself this week. No mud and no ...

... exploding wheel. Yeah, that looks like a keeper, Marshall!

It was a a pretty big group, and from this angle it looks like it's a Bissell Team ride, but that certainly wasn't the case. As you can see on the left that Angry John joined in the fun. It was nice to have him with us, especially later, over beers in the lot when he shared some of sincere Christian fellowship. You know, the way only Angry John can. Fuck'an'eh!

Here's the group getting wound up for the final blast that starts just on the other side of the upcoming intersection. From Belding (8 Mile) to 6 mile, it's go time girls and boys!

On a side note, Bob H and Jeff H, (no relation) did some serious cycling-buddy-bonding during the ride, as seen below. They're like two bothers really (though they aren't related). Exactly like two brothers if you consider that one of them is a Parole Officer and the other is Serial Sex Offender. You guess which one is which, okay?

In addition to spending some quality time with his new best buddy Jeff H, aka Slayer, aka Machete, Bob was also was showing off his new love for our neighbor to the north by rocking these sweet socks. What can those Maple Leaf's really mean Bob? Guess he just digs the smell of Back Bacon sizzling the frying pan in the morning.

Again, the cycling buddy bonding never stopped. Can you guess which head belongs to who? Put your best guess in the comments section. As I understand it the winner will get a new house! Yeah, a new house! We just haven't decided whose it will be yet.

The next part of the quiz asks: just what in the hell does this look like:

a) Stalactites

b) Stalagmites

c) Throat polyps

d) Tea-bags

The winner with the correct answer to this will actually get kicked out of the gang.

Wish I could remember everybody that made the ride: Scott, CD, Amy H, Marshall, Flying Bats (who kicked everybody's butt on a mountain bike), Werdy, John O (Angry John) Bob Hughes, Slayer, Larry Strayhorn (Big Kahuna), The Guy Who Bought Farmer's BH, and on and on. Sorry if I didn't get you. Next time.

Have a good weekend at the 'cross clinic on the East Side, racing here, or whatever.

THURSDAY NIGHT RIDE & REPORT(S)

I'm mixing a few reports here - first: we'll be riding out of Townsend Tonight - I've heard of quite a few people that will be there - maybe even more than on Tuesday. Tuesday's ride was a good one, despite the winds, branches, flats and so on. There were 10 Bastards in all, many of them pictured here, looking pretty, ahem, excited about the prospects of riding in the face of 400 mph winds. We had to wake Craig up before we rolled out.

The yawn before the storm.

Once rolling, it wasn't bad for most of the ride. The trees provided protection from the wind - as well as providing a lot of debris that turned into flying shrapnel when hit by speeding bicycles wheels. The road below was a nice view we had waiting for members of the group to catch back on, fix flats, have drinks, make phone calls ...

Where's Werdy? Where's Surly? Where's Waldo?

... and relax some more, as seen below. From the photos you'd think that we never moved or turned a pedal and were just transported to this spot from the parking lot. That was, let me assure you, not the case. While the slumbering "Flying Bats" make look sleepy, in action he was a beast, leading us at break-neck (or should that be break-wind?) speeds. BK Dave told me that at one point while be hauled by F'Bats we were do 21 mph into the wind, which is pretty damn impressive. Calculating a head-on wind speed of 400 mph, Craig had to be doing an actual 421 mph! He will be awarded the most aggressive rider jersey - which hasn't arrived yet. It's a vest made out of bloody Chihuahua hides. We'll get you later on that one F'Bats! Myself, I'm getting the least aggressive rider's jersey by virtue of dangling off the back to the point of invisibility. The least aggressive jersey is a Party shirt made out of half-sucked lollypops. Yeah, it's sticky and sucky.

Don't be fooled, they aren't as sleepy as they look!

In all there were 10 of us: Cupcake, FNG-Alan P, JZ Jeff, Slayer, Tony, Werdy, Scott W, BK Dave, Tom on a Mountain Bike, and myself.

The last part of today's post is about the practice last night which was a good one. A new guy, Adam, got his introduction to barrier hopping, which you guessed it, was a nice, non-injurious face plant. Welcome to 'cross Adam! Patrick, Cupcake, JZ Jeff, myself, and even Zoe, were hand for a little barrier and technical work.

Looks like a nice night for a ride tonight - I'm picking the beers out now. Hopefully we can keep it a nice easy-tempo ride since most of us should be racing a doubles on one side of the state or the other.

See you Bastards and Bastardettes tonight!