2014: YEAR OF THE KISS-OFF

Ambassador Kissoff is calling from the war room. Hellow, Dr. Strangelove, it's 2014 and it's KISSOFF TIME! 

Sven Nys Kissed-Off his Colnago goodbye in 2014. How's that mud taste? Like money I'll bet.

Sven kissing his sweet Colnago (the same one he had been riding since he was three) wasn't the only thing that got kissed-offed in 2014. Probably the most import thing for Michigan Cyclocrossers and bike racers that got kissed off year was this guy ...

That's right, Mr. T and the Michigan Scene have gotten on their bikes, kissed-off and ridden into the sunset. Crap!

For Michigan cyclists the Michigan Scene has been a staple of gossip, laughs, bullshits and butt hurt for the last 50-years. Okay, not that long, but a long time. Unfortunately for TMS fans like you and me,the 'Scene has suddenly vanished into thin internet air with no explanation. After my dial-up internet takes hold, here's all that comes up now ...

This blog is open to invited readers only

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

http://themichiganscene.blogspot.com/

Now I really have to wonder if its only "open to invited readers only" since the whole thing was a crazy rambling rant by Mr. T, Mr. Rotten and Mr Lemmy for what appeared to be an anonymous crowd of self-proclaimed assholes. If you missed the comments, here's a little playback:

DOPAGE

DOPAGE

DOPAGE

CHUNKY DUNKER SUCKS

QUESTIONABLE WATTAGE

LOW T

JTP IS DOPAGE

Well there was a lot more to TMS than that. I certainly had plenty of laughs hanging out in T's smelly basement. I also will miss easy access to the Hipster Porn, but that's another story. At least I have this one last comment, directed to me personally, to remember that great, great blog/site/whateverthefuckitwas by ...

Anonymous‬ said...

Surly is dead on, but if you ask that smug DFL mother fucker, he is right about everything. So much hate, so little heart.

6:10 AM

So true, so true. I like to think I have a heart of stone, which is kinda cool and I really appreciate being honored this way, especially at 6:10 AM which makes me think it was Adam York's parrot doing the posting. I don't know about you but I'm really going to miss those fucking assholes. Bye-bye T, we loved ya ...

Here's something else I'm going to miss (and KISS OFF) this year because of a scheduling conflict ...

2014 CYCLO-CROSS AND OFFICIALS MEETING

The MBRA will be holding a cyclo-cross race directors meeting and official's only meeting on Sunday, February 2^nd  on the campus of Central Michigan University.

I think it's delightful that they MBRA is having a meeting that's about cyclocross, promoters and "officials only" where they will probably address earth shaking and important matters like "Hand-Ups. Are they really a crime or just some stupid cycling disdemeanor that nobody gives a shit about?"

Are beer hand-ups a crime? Not when Drunk Cyclist's little darling Shot Glass is doing the handing-up. Now that TMS is gone you might consider Drunk Cyclist as a refreshing blog spot visit.

Hey I think hand-ups are a great topic and could go on and on, or at least until the ward nurse gives me my medication and I shut up. Personally when there's a semi-competitive race going on (any race in Michigan) I'm not a big fan of beer or liquored-up hand-ups, especially if it can screw with the park's rules or regulations and jeopardize the promoter's ability to put on a race. But for the most part when you're totally sucking ass out there or riding a single-speed, which is essentially the same thing, gagging on a piece of bacon or some crappy PBR should be okay.

So I'm really sorry that I will have to KISS-OFF on this meeting and not put my worthless two-cents in about bacon and beer or even submit a concept for a new cyclocross race. Why? Don't I care about the promotion of Cyclocross in Michigan? Yes I do ... Then do I not care that there might possibly be a death sentence for hand-ups in the coming year? Why don't I go for fucks-sake? 

Well that's because the meeting is on the same day and at practically the time as the UCI CYCLOCROSS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS! That's why ...

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CYCLOCROSS FEBRUARY 2, 2014

Maybe the MBRA can be forgiven for their placement of the date and time of their cyclocross meeting on the same day and time of the World Championship because the $100 poster for the Cyclocross World Championships doesn't have the date or time on it. Maybe they though it was just going to happen somewhere around "windmill time" in the Netherlands.

The MBRA already pulled this once this year by scheduling one of their meetings on the same day as the Michigan Cyclocross Championships in Addison Oaks. It's starting to look like they look at a calendar, find a cyclocross championship event and plug in a meeting or a party on that date. So whether I wanted to promote a race, or just drop by  to give some lame hand-ups and thoughts or ideas on Michigan CX racing I can't because as a hardcore Vier and Sporza Euro-Cross watching addict there's no way I'm budging from the bean bag in front of my-Fucking-Apple TV and miss this race for a trip to Mount-Not-So Pleasant for a meeting with some bike geeks.

Last year I drove to Looeyville just to see the race. You think I'm going to miss it for a meeting? Do you think anybody who really digs 'cross is going to miss this? I don't think so. So probably the only people that show for this "cyclocross" meeting are those that want this kind of bike:

The new Niner Gravel Road Bike. It's a cross bike for people who want a cross bike but don't want a cross bike.

In addition to the meeting being on the same date and practically same hour as the WC Cyclocross race in Hoogerheide there are also some other important things going on that day that I don't want to miss ...

Marmot Day 2014

February 2, 2014 in Alaska

This is my favorite way to celebrate Marmot Day. Nice Marmot.

Marmot Day takes place on February 02, 2014. Marmot Day is an Alaskan holiday established to celebrate marmots and Alaskan culture. Although local festivals have been part and parcel of frontier life for decades, Marmot Day became an official holiday on April 18, 2009. 

Groundhog Day 2014

February 2, 2014

Who can forget Ground Hog Day? Not me. Not Bill Murray either. But the MBRA, hmmmm.

Groundhog Day is an annual holiday celebrated on February 2 in the United States and Canada. According to folklore, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue for six more weeks. 

World Wetlands Day

February 2, 2014

The last guy left in the mud at a cross race. Think he'll be making the meeting? Hell no. Looks like he needs a hand-up.

World Wetlands Day is celebrated on February 02, 2014. It marks the date of the signing of the Convention on Wetlands, called Ramsar Convention, on 2 February 1971, in the Iranian city of Ramsar on the shores of the Caspian Sea. WWD was celebrated for the first time in 1997 and made an encouraging beginning. Each year, government agencies, non-governmental organizations, and groups of citizens at all levels of the community have taken advantage of the opportunity to undertake actions aimed at raising public awareness of wetland values and benefits in general and the Ramsar Convention in particular.

Taylor Swift
February 2, 2014

The O2 Arena

Peninsula Square

London SE10 0DX

United Kingdom

Right after the race was over I was planning on jetting over on the private Crazy Bastard G6 to London to see Taylor Swift. Not because I like Taylor Swift, but because she's playing the O2 Arena.

The O2 will be full of Taylor Swift February 2nd, but who cares? Remember where you've seen this place before?

That's right Bond. James Bond. A Much-More-Pleasant place to be February 2nd. (And on top of the O2 that night you can hear Taylor Swift through your feet!) Maybe this would be a good place for a race.

Oh, I almost forgot that this was going on the same day too ...

NFL SUPER BOWL XLVIII
Sunday, February 2, 6:30 on FOX
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

I can't wait for this, and I can't get enough of Richard Sherman's viral video interviews which should be even better and even crazier for the Super Bowl. The only guy that gives interviews this wild is Kevin Pauwels. Here's an interview with Kevin just before last year's Worlds in Looeyville. I was in the room when this was happening and could literally feel the electricity in the air as Kevin went on and on about Power Cranks. He just wouldn't shut up. Watch him ...

Wow, I'm waiting for my heart rate to come down before I can update this my hands are shaking so hard from listening to Kevin. I wonder if the MBRA is going to have some Super Bowl / Hand-Up snacks at the meeting?

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP REPORT 1: SWIMMING WITH BELGIES

Today was practice day.  The last practice day unfortunately. The big show, as if you didn't know, is on for tomorrow, not Sunday. But yeah you knew that. The whole world does.

It was just practice - but the whole thing is coming together. Let's just hope the pit faucets aren't frozen like there were today at the Master's race down the road.

Well I thought I'd have days, as in two, to go on about the World Championship here in Looeville, but it looks the Ohio River wants us the hell out of here sooner than later. The news this morning is that the big races, Elite Men and Women are being moved up to tomorrow morning. While this may sound like a bummer, I am frankly worried that it could be worse and that half that course could possibly be under water by tomorrow morning. Watching the river rise while during today's afternoon practice was a little scary.

See these crazy things? These are Big Boy Sand Bags, for Big Boy, Ohio River type Big Boy water.

Yeah the flooding is big news. We hear in Europe that people think the U.S.A Cycling is moving the race up a day so we can all watch the Super Bowl. The other story, the one I like is that they will be able to keep the river from flooding by stacking Cat-4 Sandbaggers along the shoreline.

Sand bag news: these are empty - just waiting to be filled with Cat-4s. Yeah that oughta keep the water from drowning the course.

While the race and the flood were big news, and seeing the best cyclocross racers in the world rolling around town like hipster on growler bikes on the West Side of Grand Rapids, the real thing I'm taking away from experience my first World Championship is meeting the Belgies. The place is swimming with them. They love their cross, and they cross the pond to be here for the big race - come hell or high water.

There are Belgies everywhere here in Looeville. Even though it's cold and the schedules are FUBAR, they seem a happy lot. I wondered why until I studied them ...

The rising water just seems to roll right off their backs because while they are waiting for a flood of Biblical proportions and a cyclocross race of Worldly proportions to happen, they drink.

And then they stop and laugh and drink.

And then they drink some more. A lot more. This was at the SRAM tent party today. It was big Belgy fun, let me tell you ...

But not all of these fine folks from Belgium drank. Some of them went out to to catch a glimpse of their guys training on the course, just like we did.  This lovely couple wasn't drinking. Well, at least for awhile. They were wonderful people - even though they refused to exchange their sweet Sven Nys hat for our nearly worthless American dollars.

Some work funny hats a milled around the course.

Lots of them wore jackets with this guys name on it.

And wore more jackets with his name on it. On the course, ...

... at the SRAM party.

And back at the hotel ...

And in the exhibitors tents there were images of Belgian heroes.

And even his bike with a certain guys name was on display. You're bike looks like this, right?

So while they were getting their jackets embroidered, fitting their hats and putting up their posters, what were we doing? That's right tracking down the real thing. We stumbled on a bike shop advertising that they were going to have the Belgium on hand, as well as a few beers. It was hard to believe ... but it was true! See in weep, Belgie fans ...

Sven Nys. Great champ and great guy. Put up with all our American bullshit, no problem.

Adam got to spend time with his hero. What did he ask him? Yeah training with power. Nys suddenly couldn't speak English anymore.

I was so excited meeting the great one, I fell into a walking coma - sort of zombie like. Nice, Nys.

Not so enthused about being man and woman handled by Americans was Neils Albert who looked like he only had a few minutes between biology classes at night school.

The always jittery and uncomfortable in his own skin Kevin Pauwels, seen here jittery and uncomfortable in his own skin, was rather a good sport about the whole thing.

Notice that when Pauwels is on the bike the jitters and discomfort are all gone. This was shot by Adam McIntyre earlier in the day.

So that's what's new in New Belgium today. Now it's time to rest up, recharge the batteries and get ready to swim with all these crazy Belgies tomorrow. The strange thing is that while this is the only time that the World Championship has been held outside of Europe in its 65-year history, everybody has forgotten about these guys ...

SPECIAL WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP QUIZ

Yes, we're having a quiz. If you answer both of these questions right, or wrong. Or only answer one, or none, you could be a winner. What's the prize? Tickets to Sunday's World Championship race right here in good old Looeville. We've got plenty of Sunday tickets folks ...

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

There's been so much focus on the the Belgian team and Belgian fans the rest of the teams are all pushed back in the shadows. Remember these guys? Know who they are? Every one here has seemed to have forgotten about them - and a year ago it was going to be there year. If you don't know, here's a clue they are standing in front of the famous Looeville historic site - the Alamo.

WHO THE HELL IS THE MAN WITH THE KNITTED BEARD?

(Bonus question - get this one right and win two tickets to Sunday's race!)

Sarah McIntyre:" have you seen this guy? He's wearing a knitted beard. Let me know if you run into him."

The man with the knitted beard. He raises it when out walking in the cold, but drops it to below chin position when drinking beer. Name his country of origin and win tickets now!

BAH HUMBUG! IT'S CHRISTMAS AND OTHER DISTURBING NEWS - PLUS A SPECIAL XMAS PRESENT JUST FOR YOU!!

Crazy Bastard Christmas Light Ride 2012.

In case you missed it, or even care, we had our Christmas Light Ride last Tuesday. It was raining and crappy, but not as crappy as Thursday, so if you were holding your holiday-breath for the Thursday ride "To The Lights: you were Christmas-Shit-Out-of-Luck. It never happened. That's because it was even rainier and crappier than Tuesday and nobody felt like riding. So there. Happy F*ing Holidays.

The riders assemble in the lot after the ride for a Christmas group portrait in the rain. Pretty freakin' cheery, huh?

While there were a lot of people that I enjoy riding with in this group (you can't see anybody in this group which is really what the night was all about anyway), let me tell you there are few hiding in the shadows that I never want to see, or hear again. As for disc brakes in the mud - well I just have to say no thank you. I'd rather listen to an endless loop of a garbage disposal filled with dinner forks and chicken bones.

Back at the HC for Christmas Light Night Beers. Also dark and murky.

Back at the practically empty HC we had a few beers and swapped inappropriate stories and jokes all of which I tried to immediately erase from my mind. Hey it was swell guys, can't wait till next year!

WORLD CYCLOCROSS CHAMPIONSHIP BROKE AGAIN - WHAT'S UP WITH THAT SH*T?

If you want the Cyclo-Cross World Championship to happen in America this year you'll need to buy about a 100 of these, or sign up for a $25,000 VIP Table soon.

I had thought that the financial woes of the World's in Looeyville were in the rear view mirror that's velcro'd to the side of my race helmet, but no – the sad saga seems to continue. When I saw reports of $2500, $25,000 and $25,000,000 VIP tables being put up for grabs, I started to have a bad feeling. Once again funding didn't come through, but thankfully a some groups that aren't sustainable energy companies that promised to support this thing and went broke, stepped up, picked up the pieces and got on with the job of not making Cyclocross in America look like a big joke. I mean imagine having a 'cross race, inviting everybody in the world and not have something, like let's say - toilets? How bad would that be? 

Imagine a World Championship Cyclocross Race, or any race, without one of these. Horrible, huh?

Just so you think I'm pooping in your port-o-potty about this, here's the story that just kind of came and went on December 18th.

USA Cycling rescues cyclo-cross Worlds after Exergy shortfall

By: Laura WeisloPublished: December 18, 17:10, Updated: December 19, 00:13

Will cover funding with Louisville Sports Commission

With just over six weeks until Louisville, Kentucky is scheduled to host the 2013 UCI Cyclo-cross World Championships, USA Cycling and the Louisville Sports Commission have had to step in and take over running the event after a reported $250,000 sponsorship shortfall threatened the very existence of the race, USA Cycling announced today.

USA Cycling installed its own race promoter, Micah Rice, the VP of National Events, to take over running the operations from Louisville 2013's Joan Hanscom and Bruce Fina, but Rice told Cyclingnews that he expects the current staff to remain involved.

"We are taking a hard look at everything right now, and we are in the process of figuring out all the contract pieces," Rice said, "but we don't expect USA Cycling to waltz in and for Bruce and Joan to walk away. We are eight [sic] weeks out, and it would be impossible to run the event without their knowledge."

Read the entire story here: http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/usa-cycling-rescues-cyclo-cross-worlds-after-exergy-shortfall

If Joan does walk away, it will be in really cool boots with a beer and a cell phone in her hand. That's multi-tasking girl! 

If America screws this up this sign will be more like a tombstone than a tribute to American Cyclocross.

While it looks like USA Cycling and Papa John's Pizza are going to cover the tab for the d-bag sponsors that went solar-windmill-belly up, there also looks like there is an effort to close the financial shortfall by selling some VIP Tent packages. Some of my friends have even been offering (more like taunting) me with the idea of dropping some semi-big-bucks so I can watch the race from inside a tent. My first thought was, you gotta be Katie F-ing Compton kidding me, but then I thought what if the tent is so cool that I don't care if I miss the race because I'm sequestered inside a big party bag? I imagined the possibilities ...

How cool would it be if the VIP Tent was like a giant, fully  landscaped court yard with a fountain flowing with Belgy Beer? Yeah that's worth at least $2500 bucks! Plus you can just puke up the beer and bad food on the grass or in the flower beds like you always do. It's classy and convenient.

Or how about if the VIP Tent is totally trippin' balls like this? Hell I'd forget all about cyclo-what?

And dude, like a VIP Tent is always stocked with plenty of debutantes, right? Now that's racin'!

It would be just a giant-ass VIP Tent Party, man! Yeah that's rockin'!

American 'cross fan in the tent and out of the rain! Yeah, what's a bicycle anyway? What no motor? Foggeddaboutit!

For what I can afford, this is probably more like what my VIP Tent will look like, somewhere under a bridge by the Ohio River, downtown Looeyville.

So as you can tell I am going to Just-Say-No to drugs that aren't performance enhancing enough, and a VIP Tent pass - unless I can get either one of those things for free. I am going to go out there and watch the world's best 'cross, just the way they do in Europe. Here's a video of how they do it, so you can learn by example. Please take notes, note takers.

Why waste beer money on a useless VIP tent pass? You're going to end up face-first in the mud sobbing - "Styby, Styby, Styby ...." anyway. Just get Euro, and go for it. It's a historic event - or that's at least what I'm told.

SPECIAL CRAZY BASTARD CHRISTMAS GIFT VIDEO: MAKE SURE YOU'RE PROPERLY LUBED-UP FOR 2013!