Wednesday, May 30, 2012


This is the plan of attack for tonight at Grattan. In front, Big Mac swaddled in black leather and massive wattage, and me swaddled in wet diapers a snotty nose and not enough strength to knock out a good poo. (Photo picked from Claire Pip Gregson's Facebook page today).

There's more than one way to suck your way into the A's – other than a lot of whining, and crying – and FYI I can do both pretty well if I put my mind and shameless character to the job. After to listening to the all the sobbing, pissing and moaning about being moved up to the A's this season (and without just riding away from the pack while eating a sandwich to prove the point) like it was the podium of the Tour De Something Else, well I've just about had it listening to all degrees of entitlement and overestimation of skill and athleticism. I mean just because you can afford a carbon fiber bike doesn't me you should be allowed to race it.

This is the new Grattan Raceway offficial B Race I Wanna Move Up Slogan™. Maybe I should listen to it myself, and not just about A-shit.

Tonight we unleash hell-on-two wheels in the form of the strange formation of attack and destruction pictured at the top of the page. (Unless of course it rains and then I will chicken out and post up yet another DNS in what amounts to my suckiest road season yet).

Hell nobody looks where they're going in the B sprints anyway, so why not make a full day of it on the track with this insane aero-ass set-up? It's perfect set up for the go-at-the-gun breakaway, don't you think? Add a two-stroke engine and I'd say the cookies are all yours.

I'm thinking, if you can ride f-ing aero-bars in the B's as was accomplished last week, why not a gas engine and a little tow bar? I mean, who will notice? When you hear the backfire I suggest you pull over and hold your breath until the exhaust fumes are well up the road to the A's ... or the Perdition of Perpetual Relegation.

Was that the bell for the last lap? I almost couldn't hear it. Time to get humping and drop these guys. Or end up in Relegation Perdition forever ...

Here I am above in a close-up not seen in the photo on top. I'm working on my aero position as you can see. Now if I could just get these ears tucked in I'd be good to go!

Friday, May 25, 2012


We'll you've all seen it, and if you're a Rapid Wheelmen-type-person you've probably left a bunch of snarky comments all over the internets, using your Smart Phone while you were waiting for your turn at the Time Trial, about the recent "The Great Kenowa Hills Senior Ride to School Debacle™" that just went down this past week in some place called Kenowa Hills of all places. It was everywhere from ABC News, Huffington Post, to Bike Snob NYC, to a whole week of Principal Apologist-She-Didn't-Really Screw-This Up Radio Reports™ on WOOD Radio.

You didn't miss this did you? It made national news - good going West Michigan! And about that Most Bike Friendly City in the Galaxy award ... yeah I never believed that for a minute. I ride here practically everyday. 
Here's a little run down of the story, in case you did miss it:

The last day of senior year is apparently so closely tied with malicious pranks that school officials in Walker, Mich., have suspended more than 60 students over a three-mile bike ride they organized to the school -- a ride coordinated with the police department and the mayor no less -- that they say wasn't even a prank.
"Police escort, with the mayor, who brought us donuts," seniors told WOOD-TV.
The local news outlet also released cell phone video of school principal Katie Pennington telling the students to "Get your butts home." In the video, she also informs them they will not be allowed to participate in the school's senior walk, an annual ritual where students go through the halls to say goodbye to their teachers and younger classmates.
While the photo of the Seniors bike riders (way above) looked pretty tame, from Ms. Pennington's assessment and rant I'm guessing this is what those bad boy bikers looked like to her.

Yeah little Katie Pennington hated the rebellious side of the donut toting bike rider, and probably wanted him to stay after school and do hard time in detention - but deep down she really wanted to stroke his Cat 5 Tour De West Side Trophy.

Where these misguided youths really went wrong was trying to break with traditional last day of school "pranks." At my high school some of the senior day pranks stretched into life sentences. Here's what my classmates look like today.

When it comes to Senior day pranks you need to stick, and I mean stick, with the basics.

Take some of this ...

And mix with these things ...

It's a heck of a lot more fun than organizing a legal bike ride with the mayor and the police, isn't it? And if you don't get caught with the Super Glue stuck to the ass of your jeans you probably won't get suspended. Suuuuuuckers!

Or why do something healthy like bike riding at all? Why not do what they used to do back in my high school, which was go out and get drunk on the last day of school. I'm sure a lot of kids still do it, and with much the same results. Here's a shot of Valedictorian Shirley Smart. Apparently Shirley wasn't as smart about chemistry as we all thought.

"Was that the last bell before Chemistry? Screw it I think I'll just be the next Madonna, Lady Gaga or better yet Amy Winehouse, or even Janis Joplin, whoever in the fuck she is ..."

And instead of a bunch of bicycles, here's what the kids should have been piling up. At least they could have taken them back for the deposit and started putting money down on a worthless college education and student loan they'd never pay off.

If they had drank the day away I'm sure it would have ended with the same way it always does. Now this is a Senior day to remember. Or not to remember.



Bike Snob even noticed what a bunch of bike hating dorks we are ... ooops.

The unkindest, and funniest cut of all was the posting by Bike Snob, just yesterday. Yeah ABC News, The Huffington-Puffington Post be damned when you're a cyclist and your city makes waves and gets laughs on the Snob's blog you've made it - or failed miserably. Visit Snob's blog and read the whole thing ... this little excerpt says it all though ...

"Yes, even the support of the police and the mayor wasn't enough to absolve these kids from the mortal American sin of slowing down motor vehicle traffic in an uptight suburb of a place that barely qualifies as a city:"

I guess we've finally made the big time when it comes to being bike friendly - or even a city. Well done!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


A quick post and tribute to the best thing about the Giro, other than the tiny guys riding straight up goat paths - yeah that's right, the Podium Girls.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Yeah, this is pretty much what happened to our Cupcake last night ... yup, that road will take a bite out ya.

Well you knew clean living and clean riding at Grattan are two things in life that just aren't going to last long. Up until last night's race things had been going pretty good. But I guess the novelty of riding in a straight line and not killing each other for cookie primes finally wore off and the silly weaving in-and-out crap had to start. Super-unfortunately one the first victim of this shitty-riding binge was our own Cupcake (Laura Melendez) who got a bite taken out of her hide on the paved straightaway with just 3-to-go. Also taken out was Brian Curtis, who was at the end of the buffet line of stupid on two-wheels. Brian probably got the worst of, Cupcake a little road rash and rung bell, but nothing too serious. If you know them, give them a call, I'm sure they would appreciate it.

Saturday, May 5, 2012


Everybody with two-wheels and a handle-bar is racing somewhere this weekend. Wonder if Cone Azalia will have anything like this?

With a race schedule more overloaded than my dinner plate, races are strew far and wide this weekend. Some of you are going to someplace I think called Goshen Illinoise, or Indiana, or Iowa, while others will be doing Mud Beers and Gears, while other, like myself will be trekking down to Cone Azalia, which calls for driving over 6 hours there and back to likely flat within minutes of hitting the first pothole and then go drink beer in the parking lot until everybody finishes. Depending on your preference for tire size, I may never see any of you again until the fall.

Between races I plan on running down to Louisville for another kind of race that's down with horses, not bicycles. Here's my outfit and some of my new friends that will be going with me for the running of Roses, Hoe'ses. Hey, does that big hat come in carbon?

Recently though, I've had more requests to start up the dirt road rides again. Any takers? You mean you're sick of what you're doing already? I don't believe it ... well good luck to all of you, and drop a line on your race experience back here when you get back. Remember look out for the dunderheads driving those chase vehicles. Just because you survived the opening bell at Grattan doesn't mean you're invincible. Here's how not to get treatment from the medical car.

Yeah I always thought hanging on to the car for a bandage, adjusting your shoes, or just getting drink was a bad idea. Confirmed!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


This year the Grattan Race Series has upped their game in terms of medical support - so no worries, okay?

Hard to believe that it's time for the regularly scheduled race series to begin at Grattan. Looks like it may be warmer than previous years, though the wind seems to be howlin' out there right now. While some funny Bastards have been posting about medical supplies and bandages, I think we don't have to worry with the excellent staff that have been signed on to handle this year's racing.

All kidding aside - be safe, watch out for the other guy, and remember it's A TRAINING RACE and that cookie primes are worth turning your bike (or your bones) into a pile of carbon fiber toothpicks.

Good luck and be safe!