NEVER LOOK BACK RULES PLUS NEW KITS AND CHRISTMAS GIFTS

This is what it looks like when you get dropped with a broken f-ed up free hub - dim, dark and alone. Adam McIntyre walked back several miles to the lot on Tuesday after another hub failure courtesy of Oval. Good thing here, even though the bike wouldn't pedal, there was still a brake adjuster handy that worked. Only thing better - disc brakes.

My ride report from Tuesday is pretty thin on details since the only person I've talked to that survived, and just barely, was Big Mac whose free hub failed and he trailed off the back of the group as it sped off into the night. 

Here's what one of the leaders at the front of the ride looked like on Tuesday offering hand signals to keep the group rolling as one. The new motto on Tuesday Night: NEVER LOOK BACK!

Never Look Back, Bitches™(I've already trademarked the new, long form slogan - smart, huh.)

We're also having a test that's part of the Never Look Back, Bitches™theme , called "And the Time to Attack is ..." select the best one and look for the correct answer at the end of the post.

a) When somebody has a flat.

b) A chain breaks.

c) Free Hub fails.

d) Have to stop for a "Nature Break."

e) Crashes in a ditch when rubbing a front wheel of car fender.

f) Traffic stops half the group at an intersection.

Since we're going to have a new theme and direction for the club, excuse me gang, I think we should have some kits to carry the message: "Never Look Back!" I've been browsing some design ideas and think that stealing somebody else's good, or in this case bad, idea, is the best course of action.

Saw this one posted by Tati Cycles. Think this is from 30-years ago? Take a closer look at the date. Also, this should be a sure-fight starter at the Honey Creek, don't you think?

Here's another team kit option that's way cheaper.

 In this outfit you sure as hell wouldn't want to get dropped in the dark in 20-something degree weather. Of course if the right person is wearing this, like this model, chances are everybody will be on that wheel, and waiting for a jump out of the saddle on the next climb.

CHRISTMAS CRAZY BASTARD GIFTS

(Because it's better to give than to get dropped in the dark)

Christmas is just around the next muddy and ice covered corner and I'm also thinking about club, I mean gang, Christmas gifts for everyone because I just love you all so much. I thought these pizza slicers were awesome. I'd love to get you all one but they cost something like an unbelievable $3500 a piece! You think these were Campy Pizza Slicers for the price!

One nice pizza slicer. But too pricey for jerks like you.

Speaking of Campy gifts this wine-corky opener-thingy is only $300, which makes it about $3200 less than the Ridley Pizza Cutter. Still too much for chumps like you.

Tonight's ride could look like this if we left at 3:00 pm when  the sun's still up. A beautiful shot of dirt road riding in Belgium with Katie Compton. Nice!

ANSWER TO THE NEVER LOOK BACK™ TIME TO ATTACK QUESTION:

e) Crashes in a ditch when rubbing a front wheel of car fender.

Yes, you Bastards, the best time to attack is always during a gruesome and gut-wrenching crash. Here's a dramatic recreation of Chuck's crash last week. Fortunately for him we hadn't instituted the new Never Look Back™ rules. See you tonight - plan on rolling at 6:30. Lights charged, batteries replaced. Let the Never Look Back, begin! 

NO RIDE FOR THIS DOG TONIGHT: TIME TO CATCH UP ON SOME REST

After this weekend and a good recovery ride last night I'm pretty doggone tired. 

Two days of hard racing in Waterford, and on the road for days since the Holiday, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to beg off tonight's ride. If I do anything at all it will be another late night recovery ride straight out of headquarters. I also have to catch up on some work around Crazy Bastard Cave Headquarters, as well as complete the last installment on Waterford Day II, which I'm sure (yawn) you can't wait to read. 

It's time to sit down tonight an put on the recovery compression socks and sit tight - like the Sisters are doing above. Wonder where they raced this weekend?

I might also watch a little TV for a change. I hear there's a Blanco Sausage Auction Hunter show debuting tonight. I'll alert the Queen.

I think I'll also contact some of the other team members and start planning our tactics for the next few races. Team Cross Tactics are all the rage and I'm afraid we've let a "Team Cross Tactics Gap" open up on us.

Hope you have fun. If anything eventful or weird happens let me know so I can disgust the three other people that visit this blog on a daily basis. I do plan on riding on Thursday.

'CHILLIN' AT WATERFORD: DAY ONE VIDEO, PHOTOS AND MORE

Her Majesty flashes  her now trademark 2012 Victory Sign. Photo by Marc Dettman Courtesy of Brad Lako's unsuspecting camera.

Team Sand Bag's Jim Goerlich sends Adam McIntyre and Brand Lako around the bend. See more of this three-some at work in Adam's video posted below.

Lots of bitching about the cold today but I didn't see anybody's nose falling off or anyone amputating toes in Tailwind Brown Bus of Authority. It wasnt like we were in the Death Zone at the top of Mt. Everest. Frankly, I didn't mind the cold, and it was really great to be back on another familiar Tailwind course. The rain in the past few days and the run-in of tires even took out a lot of the bumps the course has been know for in the past. I'm glad to report that I won't need rotator cuff replacement tomorrow.

This way Adam, this way! This way! Photo courtesy of Scott Dedenback.

In the above photo Sarah McIntyre tries to show the Adam McIntyre the most direct route around the course. Well done Sarah. Tomorrow it will be going the other direction. Sorry to say that I don't have many photos of today's action, and have only a scant few from the C and B-Races thanks to the kindness of strangers. 

 It all starts here. Yes, it's the obligatory arty-start photo. But a good one.

Having started well, and finding his way, thanks to Sarah's instructions, Adam pulls away over the barriers.

... as well as railing it down the hill.

I was able to prove that I could still get my old fat ass up a hill. And over these silly yellow sticks somebody left laying around, too.

Proof that I crossed the finish line at least once.

The B-Men's Podium. Yeah they crossed the finish line bunches of time. Brad Lako needs direction though, he should be on the box with the "2." Nice race guys.

Nice barrier work. Nice socks. Another solid ride by Sarah McIntyre put her on the podium again.

Again, sorry about so few photos, and only a limited cast of characters. We'll try for more of the Usual Suspects at tomorrow's race. While I fell down on the media job today it didn't take long for Adam McIntyre to put together another one of his "One Lap Wonders" videos which is already for 'crosslicous consumption. Enjoy, take a ride of Tailwind's Waterford Day 1 Race:

Like this one? Well then check out what the Euros were doing today at a little race profanely named Koksijde, in the video below.

Weather Dog Forecast: Power Washers Ahead

The Official Crazy Bastard Weather Dog says: I've got a nose for mud. And snow. And bullshit. And by Sunday afternoon you're going to be covered with all three.

Is this how the weekend will end? Late night power washing? F-me if it is.

So let's suppose that the Weather Dog is correct in her assumption and that we're going to get rain, snow, wet ground and hip deep mud for the weekend 'cross races. I know, I know you're all going, "awesome, it's going to be epic man, so Euor ..." and so on and so forth. Well I don't mind riding in that shit, and yeah it can be somewhat fun, like a kid playing in a mud puddle, but cleaning up all that crap - it can get old fast, especially if it's the start of a nearly month long stretch of "epic."

Seen this before? No, it's not some g-d fossil I dug up in the back yard.

Or how about frozen mud? Remember that crap? Epic my ass.

Just ask Doug. He's never been the same since this happened on a Crazy Bastard ride last year.

Truly epic conditions. That had to be New Year's Resolution last year in Chicago. Here's my epic ass   sinking in it's epicness.

Here's Adam McIntyre in the same race (NYR) coming down around a muddy, slick-ass turn.

Frankly, here's what I think of your epic mud races.

Yeah, you can have your muddy-epic, I'll take epic in the form of nice and warm-epic and being able to uneqpically clean up the bike with a dust rag. Kind of like two weeks ago in Louisville.

Epic, awesome and yeah it was warm too. 

I think that's Lil Pony, Jeff Weinert, pictured above (photo by JTP?) blasting through the sand to one of his two wins at the Derby Cup just two weeks ago. Or is the Patrick Russell? You tell me. And, that question brings us to our new Crazy Bastard Holiday game called...

WHO THE F*CK IS THIS?

A: Missing in action but not forgotten. He's done a lot for Michigan cycling and racing and was director of the MBRA.

Clue to A: He's wild and crazy.

B. Cold, frozen, epic and awesome is no problem for her. She doesn't even wear socks. But who is the woman above those frozen, muddy feet?

Clue for B: No matter what the weather or temperature she's always wearing a skirt. She's also the sister of a famous Flandrian Cyclist.

C. He has line up for more Menage A Trois, and even a few kinky foursomes, in one day than any other man in cyclocross - that's still living anyway. (Link NSFW or anywhere else!)

Clue for C: He's used over a thousand safety pins this year.

Get all three correct and you'll be eligible for beer hand-ups this weekend. That's right, cheap beer. Maybe with a dirty dollar bill (who knows where it's been) stuffed in it for your very own.

Now I'm going to stand in line for a Black Friday deal on some piece of shit I don't really want -  I think waiting in line will be good for my UNQUESTIONABLE WATTAGE. Or my HOPELESS DOPAGE. Hope you all had a great Holiday, see you in the mud, maybe on Saturday. Or maybe Sunday.

TURKEY DAY - HOT FOR PODIUM

Nobody is hotter for podium than this guy. Mike Seaman dressed up for Turkey-Day. Classy Mike, classy.

 Mike is ready to throw down at anytime and take you to the mat for a good old-fashioned ass-kicking. If you don't believe look at the tapes from last weekends Swamp Thaing Dos SS race. Okay there are no tapes, but let me tell you he was seriously mashing the pedals, and super hot for podium.

Ben Berden was obviously hot for podium here. Did the guy he drop say thank you?

While some are hot for podium, other's are not. Like me. Here's my cylocross coach giving me a pep talk before this weekend's racing.

On TMS and Facebook though the headgames and trash talking is at full tilt as we head into the "big" races of the season. Here's what's going on in the team locker rooms right now.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, be safe, and see you at the races!

THE MONEY SHOT: SWAMP THAING DOS

The Money Shot. JB grabs the bill, Adam McIntyre grabs the shot of the year. We'll show you how you catch such a fantastic shot later in today's program, er, blog.

It was great weather, great racing and stinking beer-belches all day long at what could be the final Swamp Thing of all time. Rumor has it that they are going to build an Alien Landing Pad (see Alien Posts here) or building some condo's for smelly college students to have sex willy-nilly in, with state sponsored birth control devices thank goodness, right here sometime during the next hundred years. So the course will be no more and kids, not free-range bunnies will be humping away where cross racers are picking dollar bills out of nearly-empty Pabst cans. So there's a real cultural loss - I guess. With the state of the economy I wouldn't hold my breath on, and I think the bums, flora and fauna that abound on the Red Cedar Course are safe for now. On Sunday the course was in great shape, and was mowed down to the nub, and the bumps were a little less jarring thanks to some water in the ground.

The Usual Suspects x 2: It takes two, apparently to ride Adam McIntyre's Big Boy Bike. Adrienne O’Day and Susan Shaw have to team up to make the Giant Ridley a go-go.

A host of the usual suspects from East and West showed up for a nice relaxing day of racing at Swamp Thing II, and were all out  drinking, cheering and heckling our favorites, and not so favorites around the course.

Talk about Usual Suspects. Don Cameron leans on his weapon and thinks to himself, "Who's next and where do you want it?"

Queen Anne in hot pursuit of another victory in the Women's Elite. In the Single Speed race she was in pursuit of something else. What was it, and what did it look like?

What Anne was chasing looked kinda of like this. Note to self: never buy a white skinsuit.

If there had been an announcer at Swamp Thaing Dos, he would have been screaming himself hoarse calling the battle between Queen Anne and the Uno Blanco Sausage. What a fight! What a stuffed casing!

Yeah the SS race it was like watching somebody dangle a Giant Single Speed White Sausage in front of the Queen for the entire un-gawdly 40-minute of that horror-show. No one seemed to care that Mike Seaman was literally ripping the "gear" off his bike to stay in front of Patrick. no, we were mesmerized with the White Sausage of Single Speeding - whoever in the hell that guy was.. Anne got close enough to put some mustard on the WSoSS but couldn't eat the whole thing.

Speaking of chasing the casing, Cupcake had a great race. Here she is spell checking "Surrender the Booty" on Susan Shaw's kit.

After a couple of podiums the McIntyre's relax and heckle their new ex-friends. Flying Rhino, Paul is obscured by the sunshine.

Better shot of Paul as he refuels right after his race.

I love racing on golf courses. So smooth. So pro. Hey, who the hell is this guy? And when's my Tee-Time?

No hotdogs here, mister. Jan shows some sinewy leg muscles while we sat drinking some delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beers, watching hime work making our plans for the money shot trap.

And more Usual Suspects. 

These are the "Usual" Usual Suspects you'll find trashing themselves at every Swamp Thaing race. Well done guys, let us know when you get work-release, you need to cut some new course.

NOW, BACK TO GETTING THE MONEY SHOT

If you want to get the perfect "Money Shot," you need to bait the trap correctly. Here I am doing the best work I did all day.

Here's the trap, set perfectly. Make sure you leave some ballast at the bottom so the can doesn't blow over, or tip too early. A little beer, a little spit will do, thank you.

Here's the run in to the trap. Set it and just wait for the fool(s) to make the grab. Now, the next thing you need to do is get a top-notch photographer ... here were our choices:



The Technician. Psycho for details.

 His shots are wonderful, but he's slow and old like me. And that "Can you hold that for a minute ..." just doesn't work during a race.

The Artist: "work for me baby."

 There's a lot of emotion, hot chicks and bullshit in everything he does. He's seen Blow-up 100-times, and the Eyes of Laura Mars 500-times. We like him by but we didn't have enough beer and JB hadn't shaved his legs real "smooth" for the race that day.

Ready-for-anything shooter. Let's fill the Hurt Locker with beer today, okay?

This guy can always get the shot, and he was dressed about right - especially for the way that JB was driving the bike that day - plus he had the helmet in the "on" position which we heard was a requirement at Swamp Thaing races now. Unfortunately he had UCI World Champ Stripes on his underwear and got DQd.

This is who made the Money Shot happen. Adam McIntyre with Sarah McIntyre on training ride.

The final result - too much awesome with additional color touches, by Adam McIntyre. JB Hancock in the saddle, making the grab.

BONUS VIDEO SWAMP THAING DOS

Caught this at the last minute. A short, music filled video of the race that day. Enjoy!