LOOKING FOR THE ULTIMATE CRAZY BASTARD COACH

Most of us need a coach that will get right in our faces. Until we get sick of that and just want to screw off.

Yesterday I was on the fence about training and was looking for some answers. I guess what I needed was a coach - about ten years ago. It's a little late now. In this episode I'm trying to decide on what type of coach would be the perfect Crazy Bastard Coach - if there is such a thing - and you'll have to read until the end to find out! Here we go in our search ...

The Hippy Chick knows her cross, but doesn't have time to coach your sorry ass. Sorry, sorry ass.

Yesterday I was looking just for answers and a shortcut to success. So I quizzed THE ALL KNOWING CYCLOCROSS HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, hoping to find an easy solution. You can see what that all came to here.

Frites and mayo? Yeah, you don't look like you could use that, fat ...

Years ago, back in 2010 in fact, I tried the same thing by leaning on the CYCLOCROSS CHEF OF KNOWLEDGE. While I didn't get any better training tips, I sure did put on a lot of weight. Thanks Chef!

Experienced at 'cross, but maybe color blind.

When looking for coach, look for someone with experience, like the MICHIGAN PIRATE OF 'CROSS, above. Whether they have the time or inclination to coach you is another thing. Experience, and somebody like the Pirate has a lot, will tell him you're not worth the effort.

Silly Kelly. It's always good to work in some humor with your training and racing, and have some fun.

While a coach like this may seem fun on the surface, it's probably hiding a killer work effort that you don't want any part of.

Then there's this approach to coaching and training.

Well, uh,  no ...

This guy is smart. Probably smarter than all of us put together. 

Do brains alone make a good coach? The smart guy above loves training in total crap weather. He rides his steel single speed cross bike in so much mud and snow that it's a wonder  there's any paint left on it from all the power washing. His motto to training: "Slow speed, high watts, baby." Yeah, too smart for me.

All-round superior riders that know how to train right.

Unfortunately they don't have time to share the secrets with you. That's how smart they are.

Then there's old school.

 Thanks coach! You've made me what I am today!

... completely insane. 

In selecting a coach, you want somebody that's really into cycling, heart and soul.

But not this guy. He looks smelly.

You may want a coach that believes in enjoying the ride, too.

But not this crazy b&$#ch.

Champions that have beers named after them are also a good bet for a coach.

As well as racers that drink the beer of Champions.

Or you could go Hollywood and pick a national icon and get coached online.

More beer drinking coaching here, I think,

But apparently the beer drinking approach does seem to work for some. 

If you follow In the Crosshairs you'll find one of the best teaching tools around are the #SVENNESS videos that crop up on their site after big European races. Watch these and learn from the best rider in the world, most often that rider being Sven Nys. The downside is that I look at this stuff, and yeah it's great, but do I have any of the skills or the engine to pull any of this shit off? The answer is NO. Still it's fun to watch.Tune in here.

#SVENNESS 2.3 from In The Crosshairs on Vimeo.

Finally here's the ultimate Crazy Bastard coach, in my opinion. You don't really work hard or train hard, because you have no expectations of success. He knows you are a loser and just keeps pounding that reality home. It's just a long, drawn out process of humiliation. A lot like everyday life. Watch and learn, kids. I love his use of the word, "miscreant."

Weak Men Pay This Boxing Coach To Tell Them They Are Terrible from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.

ASK THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: IS IT TIME TO TRAIN OR TAPER?

Wanna know something 'bout cross? Well dude, put the bong down for a minute and I'll tell you everything you need to know ...

Due to the Retirement of The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge, The All Knowing Hippy Chick of Cross  will now be providing us with answers to all of our 'cross and gravel racing questions. It's great to know that she's on the scene, because I've got a lot a questions that need to be answered.

I'll have some fries with that poodle, thanks!

You remember the Cyclocross Chef of knowledge from a few years ago? He knew it all, he fried it all he dished all the 'cross info we were hungry for. Unfortunately he has retired and now has a television cooking show in Korea called "Dog Eat Dog." Tune in some time, it's tasty!

1. TRAIN OR TAPER FOR THE RACE THIS WEEKEND?

The Lowell 50 is coming up this Saturday (have you registered yet? If not do it here and now!) and a lot of people want to know, like me, if it's too late to start training or if I should start tapering? People like Tony H,  pictured above, have started to taper for a race that's weeks away. Tony is a pretty fast guy and seems to know what he's doing. What should I do?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Crap, the race is Saturday. WTF and you want to start training now? Well dumb ass it's too late to start training, like that would help anyway, so you might as well just do what Tony is doing right now - start drinking! That way you'll either not feel the pain or just entertain the rest of the racers by puking in the ditch after the first five miles. Kinda like the Swanzy does when he races ...  

2. COULD I PLAY CATCH UP BY MOTOR PACING MYSELF INTO SHAPE BY SATURDAY - YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PRO'S DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Man you are one dumb f*ck, aren't you. Listen up loser, the only  thing you're get from motor pacing probably some frostbite from the wind chill and a cough from eating exhaust. Leave motor pacing so somebody that is totally freaked out flipped out and wazzzzzzupppsiiiiicksoofreeeekingsssiiick like the dude above.

(For Sale $400 - really)

3. I DON'T HAVE A DEDICATED GRAVEL BIKE. WILL MY CYCLOCROSS BIKE WORK FOR THE LOWELL 50, ON SATURDAY?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: While I hate to prop up the Capitalist Pig Establishment that runs this country, and put money in the pockets of those profiting from pure marketing and consumerism baloney of having to have a dedicated bike for everything, I have to say that you don't stand a chance in Timothy Leary's most freaked out Acid Nightmares without a dedicated Gravel Bike. Cross bikes just don't work. I don't know why, but they don't. Something about the weird-ass chainstays or some shit like that. My advice is to ride a single-speed, like the one above that is now for sale at a low, low Lowell 50 discount price and available for the race this weekend. By riding a single speed you can ride as stoned or as blind drunk as you want, 'cause you never have to make a decision like, "uh which gear now?" The other big plus of a single speed is that you have a ready excuse for sucking and coming in DFL. It's like, "Hey I couldn't keep up, I was on a single speed and my 53 x 14 just bogged down in the hills ..."

4. WHAT KIND OF TIRES SHOULD I ROLL?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Roll what Aaron is rolling -and smoking apparently. Whatever  those hot-ass skins are he seems to get off on them. I dig the color too. Isn't orange the color of "INSANITY?" Must be, look at Huntington's eyes. Whoa, whacked, dude, whacked!

(A typical Slayer Training Ride)

5. WILL MOUNTAIN BIKERS HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE IN A RACE LIKE THE LOWELL 50? HOW ABOUT AT ICE MAN?

 THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Don't worry about the mountain bikers, they are so full of holes and have had their head rattled so many times from hitting trees all season long they're sure to make a wrong turn. As for iceman, you don't need to be a mountain biker to get it on, you're better off if you're one of these dudes ...

(Is Ice Man a Mountain Bike race, or a Time Trial? Maybe we'll Julie Boonen Davison's brother next time.)

6. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I RIDE OR RACE THIS SEASON IT RAINS AND THERE'S MUD UP TO THE SEAT. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S 'CROSS ROMANTIC, BUT I'M F*%KING SICK OF IT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: For a two-bit guy like you I say the best bet is wipe the whiney-ass mud-snot of your face and go to the nearest, and crumbiest car wash you can find. Don't listen to all that crap from the boyz in the bike shop about power washing bikes, either. Half of those dimwits are stoners and they've got nothing better to do than clean shit out of the cracks with a tooth brush and smoke Wednesday Weed. Besides that they make new bottom brackets and hubs, duh, don't they?

(A scene that keeps repeating itself this season)

If you don't dig the car wash, and don't have a garden hose, then maybe you could find somebody like this to wash your bikes ... but I  think it will cost somebody like you more than a handful of tokens ... dude ...

Our thanks to  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS for her help in preparing for the upcoming race this weekend. If you have a question for  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, don't Bogart it, post it in the comments or on Face Book and we'll pass it on to her.

"Peace out, bitches! Now for some real music. Enjoy the ride!"

MAD ANTHONY REPORT: WHO YOU CALLING PSYCHO?

Adrian and Adam get in each other's face at the start line. "No #1 call-up for you today, Big Boy! This isn't Chicago, this is Detroit, and we're Punk as Hell!" Yeah, Adrian is a tough guy, she is. I fought her once, and lost ...

Mad Anthony entered a new era on on Saturday as apart of the Tailwind Series with a new course, a new look and for the first time ever - rain and a little mud. But it was still the same battle for the fort that has been raging now for over 200-years.

This is what the battles at Fort Wayne's Mad Anthony looked like before cyclocross was invented. It was dirty, smelling and people got hurt. Wait, nothing has changed in over two-centuries?

Mad Anthony got more coverage in the Detroit Free Press than Mad Anthony Wayne, ever got. Here's a nice shot of Cupcake clearing the barriers.

For those of you that weren't there, or were too busy hiding in your truck accidentally putting embrocation on your naughty bits, go here to check out the great photos that were posted on the Detroit Free Press website.

Start of the Men's Elite. Yeah it's the Pony up the hill first and gone. A little rain and it's like "My Little Pony Magic Go Dust." Can you get tested for that?

I don't know about Pony-Dust™, but maybe we should all get tested for that Detroit Black Shit™ that got all over everything and ruined my F*cking Yellow Shoes™ and Sausage White Skinsuit™. After two centuries of shooting with black powder and giant lead balls soft enough to melt in your mouth, and blowing to bits in the air, I wonder what the contest of that Black Shit™really was?

"Men, you might not seeing them put we will be killing and wounding Cyclocross racers, inside our beloved and sacred Fort Wayne, two hundred plus years from now, or something like that. Fire that crappy shit in your guns down there NOW!"

Once a great spot for shooting and killing invaders of all races and creeds, this was also a cool spot to watch the race. And smoke cigarettes, if you were a hipster. But more about that later ...

Just wait until they get a closer before you shoot ...

SHOOT NOW! Great views of the action from the gun ports, aimed right at the invading Elite Men's chase group coming down into the moat. Guess I should have waited until they were closer ...

Of course you can get too close to shoot ... here's Cupcake screaming "DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!" Funny, I didn't hear that when the Free Press Photographer was snapping her.

This year's course not only featured greasy mud, it also had a bunch of Twisty-Ass-Turns™ courtesy of the good folks at Tailwind.

Nice viewing on the infield where there was more action to watch. It still seemed like they were gone too fast ...

The top of the first climb out of the fort, after the start, was the place to watch the bottle-necks, and carnage.

"But what about you, Surly? How did your race go?," asked no one ever.

A pouting, grumpy face is worth a thousand Surly words, or not worth bothering with. I didn't have a good race, thanks for asking. The only people I passed were laying on the ground or being carried away - and that's no way to move up. While I could blame myself for another poor performance, I'll try to find some excuse for my Shit Race™.

HIPSTERS SMOKING IN THE TUNNEL

It wasn't enough to go into the darkness of the tunnel (note the ghost image), and then be blinded seconds later by the good old "Light At the End of The Tunnel," I also had to suck in  a good lung full of cigarette smoke as a free "Hand-Up." I guess second-hand cigarette smoke hand-ups aren't a crime - in Detroit.

Are "Smoke Hand-Ups" a crime? I'll have to check the hand book on that one.

Since it was raining, the Mad Anthony Tunnel was a great spot for a smoke and made it less likely that grubby, hand-rolled hipster cigarettes didn't fall apart when hit by a rain drop.

In case you didn't see them, this it what the filthy hipsters looked like. Almost as bad as dirty hippies, aren't they?

There were just a few Hipsters that made it through the Mad Anthony defenses to share their hipster life-style with the rest of us. When I told the little smoking-shits in the tunnel that they shouldn't be smoking, I was informed: "HEY, MAN. THIS IS DETROIT!" After driving by abandoned buildings and crack houses on the way to the race, how could I forget so quickly? By the way, Detroit is Punk as Hell and Broke Not Broken, in case you didn't get a T-shirt that said so, or if you don't have this record in your music library ...

Whenever I forget that Detroit is Punk as Hell, I just put on THE PROJECTIONS and it all comes back to me ...

ON YOUR LEFT, OR RIGHT, OR WHATEVER

Somebody wanted to win the Children's Category Cat-3 really, really bad.

Near the end of my race I was sadly getting lapped by one of the Children Cat-3 racers. One of them gave me the ON YOUR RIGHT/LEFT warning from behind, which if you know is real low on my list of things I like to hear in a race, no matter how shitty I'm riding. While I tried to move out of the way, I got a second ON YOUR RIGHT, and then was told in a whining tone of desperation: "I'M TRYING TO WIN THIS RACE!" To which I replied: "Well I could give f*ck less if you win this race." After the finish we had a little discussion, which didn't go well. I think he finally called me a "PSYCHO!" which may well be true ... so I've got that going for me.

Yeah, who you call in Psycho, you big baby-cat guy?

WHAT THE HELL IS CROSS WEATHER AND WHEN DOES IT ACTUALLY START?

From now on I am waiting until she decides what's real cross weather and what's not before I go.

I became embroiled in a minor controversy, on a thing called Face Book, after Mad Anthony, about what are real cyclocross weather and conditions, and what are Faux-Cross conditions. When I read that that Mad Anthony had the first real true cyclocross conditions of the year, I reminded the poster that Lower Huron also had mud, which appeared to be the true mark of a true cyclocross race, according to the criteria he was using to decide the legitimacy of a race. His reply was "NO," that the temperature was too high (steaming in fact) at Lower Huron so it didn't count. According to this, it would seem that window for having a real cyclocross race is so small, that the only way we can be sure of having a real cyclocross race is move to Portland and only race in November. I can't tell you how disappointed I was to learn that all the races I've done so far this year were only Faux-Cross races.

Cross Crusade Race #4 PIR from Burk Webb on Vimeo.

According to some, this, and this alone is true Cross Racing. If the mud isn't over 6-inches deep and the temperature between freezing and really uncomfortable, you should stay home.

BACK TO THE GUYS AND GALS WHO ACTUALLY RACED LIKE THEY MEANT IT

Congrats to Jeff Weinert on running away with another one, and the other guys too. 

A special tip of the cap to team mate Adam McIntyre for looking strong in the first chase group, but then flatting a tire, and still coming back for a step on the podium. It was also great to see Queen Anne back in action after her injury at Lower Huron. 

 

Bruce LeBlanc isn't laughing with you, he's laughing at you silly cyclocross racer. 

One more special thanks to Tailwind for the great course, and to Bruce LeBlanc for looking after the course and ensuring our safety out there. Most of the time you don't even know see or hear about the work the officials do, but they inspect every inch of that course to make sure we can enjoy our racing without working about unseen dangers. Well done Bruce, we really appreciate your often unseen, and under-appreciated work.