ASK THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: IS IT TIME TO TRAIN OR TAPER?

Wanna know something 'bout cross? Well dude, put the bong down for a minute and I'll tell you everything you need to know ...

Due to the Retirement of The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge, The All Knowing Hippy Chick of Cross  will now be providing us with answers to all of our 'cross and gravel racing questions. It's great to know that she's on the scene, because I've got a lot a questions that need to be answered.

I'll have some fries with that poodle, thanks!

You remember the Cyclocross Chef of knowledge from a few years ago? He knew it all, he fried it all he dished all the 'cross info we were hungry for. Unfortunately he has retired and now has a television cooking show in Korea called "Dog Eat Dog." Tune in some time, it's tasty!

1. TRAIN OR TAPER FOR THE RACE THIS WEEKEND?

The Lowell 50 is coming up this Saturday (have you registered yet? If not do it here and now!) and a lot of people want to know, like me, if it's too late to start training or if I should start tapering? People like Tony H,  pictured above, have started to taper for a race that's weeks away. Tony is a pretty fast guy and seems to know what he's doing. What should I do?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Crap, the race is Saturday. WTF and you want to start training now? Well dumb ass it's too late to start training, like that would help anyway, so you might as well just do what Tony is doing right now - start drinking! That way you'll either not feel the pain or just entertain the rest of the racers by puking in the ditch after the first five miles. Kinda like the Swanzy does when he races ...  

2. COULD I PLAY CATCH UP BY MOTOR PACING MYSELF INTO SHAPE BY SATURDAY - YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PRO'S DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Man you are one dumb f*ck, aren't you. Listen up loser, the only  thing you're get from motor pacing probably some frostbite from the wind chill and a cough from eating exhaust. Leave motor pacing so somebody that is totally freaked out flipped out and wazzzzzzupppsiiiiicksoofreeeekingsssiiick like the dude above.

(For Sale $400 - really)

3. I DON'T HAVE A DEDICATED GRAVEL BIKE. WILL MY CYCLOCROSS BIKE WORK FOR THE LOWELL 50, ON SATURDAY?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: While I hate to prop up the Capitalist Pig Establishment that runs this country, and put money in the pockets of those profiting from pure marketing and consumerism baloney of having to have a dedicated bike for everything, I have to say that you don't stand a chance in Timothy Leary's most freaked out Acid Nightmares without a dedicated Gravel Bike. Cross bikes just don't work. I don't know why, but they don't. Something about the weird-ass chainstays or some shit like that. My advice is to ride a single-speed, like the one above that is now for sale at a low, low Lowell 50 discount price and available for the race this weekend. By riding a single speed you can ride as stoned or as blind drunk as you want, 'cause you never have to make a decision like, "uh which gear now?" The other big plus of a single speed is that you have a ready excuse for sucking and coming in DFL. It's like, "Hey I couldn't keep up, I was on a single speed and my 53 x 14 just bogged down in the hills ..."

4. WHAT KIND OF TIRES SHOULD I ROLL?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Roll what Aaron is rolling -and smoking apparently. Whatever  those hot-ass skins are he seems to get off on them. I dig the color too. Isn't orange the color of "INSANITY?" Must be, look at Huntington's eyes. Whoa, whacked, dude, whacked!

(A typical Slayer Training Ride)

5. WILL MOUNTAIN BIKERS HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE IN A RACE LIKE THE LOWELL 50? HOW ABOUT AT ICE MAN?

 THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Don't worry about the mountain bikers, they are so full of holes and have had their head rattled so many times from hitting trees all season long they're sure to make a wrong turn. As for iceman, you don't need to be a mountain biker to get it on, you're better off if you're one of these dudes ...

(Is Ice Man a Mountain Bike race, or a Time Trial? Maybe we'll Julie Boonen Davison's brother next time.)

6. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I RIDE OR RACE THIS SEASON IT RAINS AND THERE'S MUD UP TO THE SEAT. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S 'CROSS ROMANTIC, BUT I'M F*%KING SICK OF IT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: For a two-bit guy like you I say the best bet is wipe the whiney-ass mud-snot of your face and go to the nearest, and crumbiest car wash you can find. Don't listen to all that crap from the boyz in the bike shop about power washing bikes, either. Half of those dimwits are stoners and they've got nothing better to do than clean shit out of the cracks with a tooth brush and smoke Wednesday Weed. Besides that they make new bottom brackets and hubs, duh, don't they?

(A scene that keeps repeating itself this season)

If you don't dig the car wash, and don't have a garden hose, then maybe you could find somebody like this to wash your bikes ... but I  think it will cost somebody like you more than a handful of tokens ... dude ...

Our thanks to  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS for her help in preparing for the upcoming race this weekend. If you have a question for  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, don't Bogart it, post it in the comments or on Face Book and we'll pass it on to her.

"Peace out, bitches! Now for some real music. Enjoy the ride!"

IT'S CLASSIC'S TIME! CRASHES, CRACKED CLAVICLES AND GIRLS GONE CRAZY

Nothing says Spring Classics to me like broken bones and a saucy Belgian Gal licking the road grime and horse poop from the cobbles off her face. I can also see where she got her 15% off.

Ouch! That looks like it hurts, ladies. This is more than 15% off, it looks like the 99% of the break. While this looks like a cycling accident it's actually a scene from the Women's NCAA final four action between UCONN and ND.

It's been awhile since the last blog - a heavy workload and family duties have kept me away from making a fool of myself and the local cycling scene, and for that I truly apologize. If anybody cares, which I'm sure they don't. I have been so busy that I haven't had time to even run out a report on last weekend's Lowell 50 which sounded like a total hoot. Congratulations to Crazy Bastards and Crazy Bastard fellow-travelers, for their fine showing on the gravel. Hat's off to Big Mac (Adam McIntyre) and Flying Bats (Craig Rawling) for their podium finishes. Also we're heard that Julie Boonen was a winner, as was her brother in this last weekend's Classic in some place called Flanders.

Sad to report that Big Mac's hero, Fab, or Spartacus as everyone like to call Fabian C, broke a collarbone in the race this weekend. The only good part was that it allowed Julie Boonen's brother to win.

When it came to racing I was totally out of it this weekend, as I said, being sequestered at the family compound which I like to call my own Little Shop of Horrors or Dome of Terror. For those of you who haven't visited the place where I was born and raised, here's pretty much what it looks like today.

As you can see with all those people hanging over the dome to watch "Two Men Enter One Man Leaves" action, access to the "internets" is pretty tough. I had to follow it on Twitter, and brief text messages from Big Mac. 

Here's a better shot of the place during the day. Fewer people, I guess they're out gathering broken clavicles. But the internets reception still sucks.

This is what I was envisioning as I listened to the reports from that place called Flanders. When I heard that Pozzato, the "Shadow" had locked himself onto Julie Boonen's brother's wheel I was thinking it was going to end up like this. I really love pro cycling, don't you? Good thing Tom won, or the Belgies would have done more than flip the Shadow off.

Okay, here's something I do like about pro cycling, and Spring Classics. Weird, naked people on the side of the road. You gives you that great "hey did you see that shit?" moment that's always so lacking in day-to-day life.

While the above photo (a recent shot from another "Spring Has Sprung Classic") may be a tad inappropriate, at least  it's far more comforting than the crash photo we kicked the blog off with with a pile of women racers all  tangled up in some kind of game of Twister with bicycles. As I also alluded to at the opening of today's show, was a women's NCAA basketball game this weekend which resembled a mix of cage fighting, hockey, and something that looked a lot like this, which made me feel right at "home," and back at the "Dome."

Ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along? Okay, hell no? Who wants the chainsaw then?

All I can to this new generation of super-competitive and competitive females is "quit being haters and just put on crazy outfits and go riding, not crashing."

Or just spend some quality time organizing your bike stuff. I love the sunglasses assortment. This young lady has her priorities in order: helmets, glasses, shoes, a drawer full of bib shorts, and wheels.

If you're not a roadie, then just get out there and give your mountain bike some stick. I can't tell, is this Julie Boonen?

Another Spring Classic: Leather (Plastic-Pleather) boots, jacket and fall-way top, and lots and lots of carbon. Looks like she dropped her whip somewhere. She's saying: "this comes in carbon. I mean it comes in carbon."

With all that saddle time this spring, ladies, you'll be ready to ride like little Red Riding Hood here and splash away on your mountain bike through the woods, and on to grandmother's house. I feel bad for the Big Bad Wolf if he catches her. I also hope that this wasn't painted at Luton, because it looks wet and I'll bet they're are leaving some ruts.

SHAMELESS BASTARDLY PROMOTIONS

Look at those sweet colors! He loves his bike, he really does, and he wouldn't sell it. At least not to you.

One thing that isn't being sold this weekend during our non-stop slobbering promotional bullshit parade is this bike, above. Tony "Mashem and Leavem" rocked this bad boy at a Muddy-Bastard Ride Thursday night. It doesn't matter what size wheels, or how horrifying the paint scheme, Tony can make anything with 2-wheels roll.

While I don't usually use this blog to shamelessly promote and plug anything other than my own twisted views on the world and cyclocross stuff in general, I've been getting a lot of requests from soon to be formerly good friends to help them promote their causes which include bike sales and upcoming races. Today I had a planned a drop a blog devoted to "Women in Cycling" featuring a bunch of salacious photographs of women cyclists in their new team kits, but unfortunately (if you're some kind of chavenistic pig that like salacious photos), or fortunately, if you have any sense of good taste, or are a woman with any sense of decency, that blog has been pre-empted by this commercial message from the Friends of the Crazy Bastards.

The first item we're selling today is this awesome and yummy Zanconato.

If you know anything about cyclocross culture, there's a good chance you've heard of Zanconato handmade bicycles. They're often seen in full page spreads in Cyclocross Magazine, and are the favored ride of the Hup United Team. Zanconato are just one of handful of handmade cross bikes in the world, and are considered with Richard Sachs and Vanilla  as prized 'cross rides. This bike, pictured above and below is  a 54, with a short, very cross-friendly 53 top-tube. It's a available with a number a gruppo and wheel options ( go here for the full story on that and pricing as it's posted on the Cyclocross Magazine Michigan Group ), and would be the perfect whip for the upcoming Barry Roubaix, Lowell 50, not to mention cross racing all season long and for riding with us Crazy Bastards. The high-end steel frame and crowned fork should eat up the potholes on the dirt roads in awesome fashion. If I had my choice between a carbon cross bike for the BRX or Lowell 50, or our Tuesday or Thursday night rides for that matter, I'd take this one in a HUP-HUP heartbeat. Speedy Chix (yeah you know her) is selling this whip for what I think is a low, low price, and even better yet you can pick it up locally without all the shipping bullshit. Like me, Speedy Chix  has too many cross bikes and this one, which she snatched up from the original seller because she just had to have a Zanconato, doesn't quite fit her. But as it is a 54, with a short top  tube, it will fit a lot of people ... uh, like me. Remember you have to get on a waiting list and wait years for a bike like this.

Sweet details and paint job on these custom bikes. Note the frites on the seat-stays. Nice! It's a wonder how those stays stay so slender eating all those fries covered in mayo.

My favorite view of the bike. I guess you can get it with SRAM or Shimano and some other wheel choices -check the go to link for information right here. 

While you'd be put on a waiting list and wait years for a Richard Sachs (Richard also makes you give him your first born child I hear), and the same for a Vanilla or Zanconato, you can get this one today! Not only  that, Speedy Chix is also throwing in THIS LITTLE FRITES EATING KID AS FREE RACE MECHANIC! (You just have to return her safe and sound to her parents after the race.) She's an easy keeper and only wants to be paid for her wrenching in frites and mayo, oh and some Slurpies to wash it all down. She's old enough right now to start working in the race pits, the only problem is when she hands you a bike the bars are usually covered in mayonaise. I think that's an awesome deal, don't you?*

*Okay it's not a real deal.

 NEXT UP: ITHACA GRAND PRIX OF CYCLOCROSS REGISTRATION NOW OPEN!

Since learning that the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back on I've been wearing my sweet Ithaca cap 24/7. Yeah I sleep in it. I also wear these white glasses so everyone knows I'm a biking dude. I mean white sunglasses in February, are you f*cking kidding me?

 That's right kids, the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back, and if you register before September 1st, you could, might, oh yeah,  you might possibly  get  this snazzy IGPC T-shirt.

Yes, one of our most favorite ever freakin' ever Michigan cyclocross races ever has finally returned! The Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back for 2012 under the command of JB Hancock, presented by Token Products and hosted by those cross-loving knuckle-heads who always have a cooler of beer in the tent and their vomit all over the course, TEAM SANDBAG! This year's race is going to be part of the STOMACH OF ANGER Series we enjoyed so much last year, and promises to be one of the big hits of the season. We're already planning on how many couches, grills, and kegs we need to bring. We're also going to have a contest to give away 3 free race registrations, but we have to figure out how to do it. I'd like it to go to 1) someone who had no intention of going and will be forced or shamed into with a free race or 2) Someone who really needs, which excludes all of you reading this so don't even think about it, just figure out who we can sucker with #1.

THE LOWELL 50 RETURNS -  THE THRILLA AFTER THE KILLA

Just one of the roads you'll be racing on in  the Lowell 50. Hopefully you won't be breaking the 15 ton regulation ya big lardy.

The Thrilla After The Killer, the Lowell 50 is back once again and hits the roads just the week after the Barry Roubaix. If you didn't get into the BRX, or just want to keep eating a solid diet of dirt roads, hills and humiliation,  this is your bet, and you can register now. We'll put a full race flyer a little later on - heaven forbid we stop with the shameless promotional bullshit around here.