MUD, BLOOD, BEERS & BARE BUTTS

Last's night's ride wasn't as muddy as expected, but that doesn't mean it was totally uneventful. While there was some mud, there's was quite a bit of blood, as you'll learn later, a few beers, and no, no bare butts here, but somewhere nearby, as I've been told.

Actually the photo of the bare-butt ride below was sent to me by Killer Kubiak who was on her way to our ride (her new favorite ride we've heard) when she discovered that she had forgotten an essential (she seems to think so) piece of riding gear: her shorts. Well lucky for her she found a bare-ass ride that didn't require shorts somewhere in the Belmont vicinity, which looks a lot like Europe in this photo. These people, I assume, are on a giant bare-ass ride for ice-cream in Rockford. While it looks like fun, on a muddy road I think you'd have an issue with that rear-skunk stripe.

Where's Killer Kubiak? When they get to the barriers she's the one with style!

Killer K also forward this photo of a new friend she made riding last night. I guess he's coming to next week's ride.

Ready for DFL style costume 'cross racing. Just needs a bike.

On our ride, where shorts are only suggested, but not mandatory, we were glad to see Flying Bats, aka Craig, Angry John aka Angry John aka Angry John, Werdy and a new Bastard, Adam M, the most dreaded and scorned rider on the local cyclocross scene today.

Angry John says hello with just a look: "Yeah, what the fuck are you lookin' at?"

For those who haven't met him, here's a good look at the newest Crazy Bastard on the block below: Adam M. Adam is the only guy to ever go from welcomed newcomer to scorned and hated sandbagger in two days. Coming in at the top of his first cross race ever he was immediately labeled a hard-core sandbagger and scorned like some kinda of new-age leper. Hey Adam, welcome to the warm and friendly world of West Michigan Cycling! We're glad your here, just as long as you don't kick all our pathetic asses!

Adam wondering how he got kicked up to the A's after only half-a-lap of his first 'cross race.

Now on with the gory part of the ride. As I said, it wasn't too muddy, so rolling was pretty easy. I was just casually riding along, talking to Angry John, when our eyes met across the muddy and potholed road. His eyes said it all.

"Yeah, what the fuck are you lookin' at?"

In an instant our souls entwined, looking something like this in my imagination. I gotta ask you, is it so wrong?

Angry John and I - but only in my dreams.

Well it only takes a moment of distraction when you're riding a highly tuned race bike (my crappy Kona) on a semi-sloppy road for things to go horribly wrong in a hurry. Love hurts, and so does dishing your front wheel in a pothole and taking out a fellow Bastard that's on your wheel. While Bats was imploring me to stop, and I was telling him, "hey I'm okay, I gotta get going and catch John ..." I suddenly realized that Werdy was down.

Luckily women dig scars. Luckier still, Werdy has plenty of women at home. Yeah they're going to love this.

I've got to hand it to Werdy. He really takes pain well, and showed a lot of restraint. If it had been me I would have been calling myself a stupid doooshbag for such sloppy and thoughtless riding. (Hey I was in love, what can I say?). For a little crash, on a soft muddy road Werdy was pretty cut up. He kept on rolling but had to continually keep washing the blood off, which just kept flowing mile after mile. Dogs were following the blood trail.

A bloody meatball of a knee indeed. Sorry about that Werdy!

As he kept bleeding I started to worry that Werdy would get gangrene in the wound and we would have to amputate back at the parking lot. With only bottle openers, a mini-tool, and a pedal wrench it was going to be tough and messy job. And what would happen to Werdy afterward? Well we could fashion him a peg leg out of a carbon-fiber down-tube and get him a parrot.

The new Werdy? Which side will he be dismounting on now?

In support of Werdy, and his new configuration, we could all get in on the act and become Crazy Bastard Peg Leg Pirates. Can you imagine this crew showing up at your next cyclocross races? Yeah it would be awesome.

Arrgh matey, 'ere's the new team. Dig the kit? Yeah everybody will want one.

As Crazy Bastard Peg Leg Pirates we can also bring one of our favorite dishes, Deep Fried Asian Carp, to a wider audience by incorporating it into our new brand. But first we'll add a secret batter made out embrocation, chain lube and that stuff stuck to the back of my riding gloves.

Yummy in your tummy: Deep Fried Asian Carp in a Secret Batter! Now that's cardiac goodness!

From there I'm guessing it won't be long until we have our own franchise. I'm thinking it will look something like this:

Good luck to everyone, wherever you're racing in the midwest this weekend. We'll be looking for race reports, as well as bare-butt, bare-ass adventures wherever and whenever you find them.