CYCLING FASHION RED CARPET: THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE BEAUTIFUL AND THE BEATEN

Time to show off the new kit. Yes it looks better than it did on the hanger. Thanks Cupcake!

It's that time of year, and according to Cupcake, featured above bringing the new Priority Health Kit to specatular Cupcake-life, there's nothing like the feel of new Lycra in the morning. I guess it's like Napalm is for Robert Duvall. Everybody is excited about their new kits, and the look of all those new logos that show that somebody (like a Dentist, Footwear Brand, or Bicycle Parts Maker) does love you, and wants you after all, even if your mother thinks you look like a clown in the goofy thing.

See how much better cycling kit looks on people instead of plastic hangers?

It took us some prodding, threats and finally downright bribery for Cupcake to model this year's Priority kit, but for others, well just look around Facebook, or the few cyclists now venturing out and looking for warmth in local coffee shop and you'll see plenty of new kit on display. I've collected a few samples off the "Internets" that I think show the fashion direction that this year's kits are taking. 

THIS JUST IN: Our new Bissell kits are featuring more black, which is a good thing, considering the stuff that flies up of the ground and attaches itself to you while you're riding. We are also all going to be rocking some new facial hair designs in the form of mustaches and goatees. 

If I didn't have a beautiful new team kit that matched my eyes (Red) I'd be wearing this stuff. I love Stomach of Anger gear, and I dig this photo. Also speaking of fashion, check out the black and white spectators (shoes) on the guy on the right. He supplies the "team medicine" I'll bet.

How about a black and white theme, accented with yellow shoes? Hey if you can't carry a purse to add color, use the shoes for that little dash.

If you're Tom Boonen's Sister, or even the popular Julie Whalen, you can rock your all black and blond look from clothes to cycle. Julie uses rims as her accessory color highlight.

How much basic black and blond can you take? I don't know if this a cycling team or that Sorority that only rushed blonds. And just what the hell kind of bike is that?

Let's hear it for the dirty-blond, Italian style. And hey, who says Heroin Chic is dead? Here's a lovely example of the Drugstore Cowgirl Cyclists looking, well, drugged or burnt out on too many esspressos. I can't tell, is she surrendering or making a turn signal?

If it's not black, it's white. Check these dudes out. Want to wear those in the rain? Hey, mister do you have a license to sell that hot dog?

More white with some strange bolts of power going on here and there – plus plenty of little, unreadable logos. His chest looks like some sort of table of elements. And he's looking down like he's ashamed of something. Don't tell me the bibs are white too!

If the boys are wearing white, I don't see why we can't. Races are going to look like an explosion at the French Laundry if this white-white-white trend keeps up. Here, instead of colorful handbags or yellow shoes, the accent is green bar tape. Really goes with the faint fade of Purple on the shoulders. Brilliant!

The ultimate white kit? Yeah he could ride in this thing all day long. Nobody could rock white quite like Larry.

"Zeep" from Matt Roy on Vimeo.

Here's a great video by Red Mill Cyclocrosser Mo Bruno Roy, in Belgium, a small dark country that's covered in mud. Mo shows you how to take care of your white kit. Take note boys and girls, 'cause it's going to get dirty no matter where you ride. The secret is car wash + Zeep = Clean White Kit!

White jersey, and um, no bibs, just some sort of small chamois held in place by a couple of strings. Do those wheels read SRAM or SPAM? Nice riding boots, too. I guess this should be in the black-and-white-and-striper kit column. Sorry, not sorry.

If you're going to wear white or any color "minimalist" kit as a racer or as a spectator (not the shoes this time) expect trouble by the handful. Notice the guy that's going for the "hand-up" is wearing the old and very classic Team "Z" kit.

Here's what the Z racer looked like immediatly after trying to take an "ass" hand-up on the side of the road. Thirsty for more buddy?

Here could be the ultimate team kit for 2012. Solid color, easy to clean, perfectly form fitting and super aerodynamic. It's also easy to accessories with something like socks and a hat. But just where in the hell are you going to put those logos? 

CROSS BASTARD VIDEO MONDAY

For a racer's view of last year's Mad Anthony race in Detroit, sit back and enjoy, once again, the Good Doctor Adam McIntyre's rocket ride around the 2011 course.

With shameless promotions now behind us it's time to start looking ahead. People are already scheduling and planning there lives around races next September. Hard to believe, isn't it? But it looks like a great year is with more races, more fun, and more stupidity than ever before - especially with the Itchaca Grand Prix back in the mix. Aaron "The Kulinary Killer,"was asking last week about Mad Anthony, and I was going to put up a video of race from last year, but found that it is "NO LONGER AVAILABLE" because the producer's have shut down their account. Hmmm. Anyway, AKK, here's one from 2010, that shows you an overview of the course, while not quite the buzz to it as last year's event you'll get an idea of how cool the course and venue is.

Talking about a cool course, venue and vibe, here's a video of the World Championship in Koksijde you may not have seen. It's now thought that there were nearly 70,000 people at this year's WC. Wonder how many there will be in Louisville this year?

The NEW KITS with salacious photographs some crash updates will be up soon. Planning on riding tomorrow if anyone is still able to limp out there. Also putting together a post on all the new bikes that have popped up here in the last year. Want your whip featured? Email me or send it via Facebook.

SHAMELESS BASTARDLY PROMOTIONS

Look at those sweet colors! He loves his bike, he really does, and he wouldn't sell it. At least not to you.

One thing that isn't being sold this weekend during our non-stop slobbering promotional bullshit parade is this bike, above. Tony "Mashem and Leavem" rocked this bad boy at a Muddy-Bastard Ride Thursday night. It doesn't matter what size wheels, or how horrifying the paint scheme, Tony can make anything with 2-wheels roll.

While I don't usually use this blog to shamelessly promote and plug anything other than my own twisted views on the world and cyclocross stuff in general, I've been getting a lot of requests from soon to be formerly good friends to help them promote their causes which include bike sales and upcoming races. Today I had a planned a drop a blog devoted to "Women in Cycling" featuring a bunch of salacious photographs of women cyclists in their new team kits, but unfortunately (if you're some kind of chavenistic pig that like salacious photos), or fortunately, if you have any sense of good taste, or are a woman with any sense of decency, that blog has been pre-empted by this commercial message from the Friends of the Crazy Bastards.

The first item we're selling today is this awesome and yummy Zanconato.

If you know anything about cyclocross culture, there's a good chance you've heard of Zanconato handmade bicycles. They're often seen in full page spreads in Cyclocross Magazine, and are the favored ride of the Hup United Team. Zanconato are just one of handful of handmade cross bikes in the world, and are considered with Richard Sachs and Vanilla  as prized 'cross rides. This bike, pictured above and below is  a 54, with a short, very cross-friendly 53 top-tube. It's a available with a number a gruppo and wheel options ( go here for the full story on that and pricing as it's posted on the Cyclocross Magazine Michigan Group ), and would be the perfect whip for the upcoming Barry Roubaix, Lowell 50, not to mention cross racing all season long and for riding with us Crazy Bastards. The high-end steel frame and crowned fork should eat up the potholes on the dirt roads in awesome fashion. If I had my choice between a carbon cross bike for the BRX or Lowell 50, or our Tuesday or Thursday night rides for that matter, I'd take this one in a HUP-HUP heartbeat. Speedy Chix (yeah you know her) is selling this whip for what I think is a low, low price, and even better yet you can pick it up locally without all the shipping bullshit. Like me, Speedy Chix  has too many cross bikes and this one, which she snatched up from the original seller because she just had to have a Zanconato, doesn't quite fit her. But as it is a 54, with a short top  tube, it will fit a lot of people ... uh, like me. Remember you have to get on a waiting list and wait years for a bike like this.

Sweet details and paint job on these custom bikes. Note the frites on the seat-stays. Nice! It's a wonder how those stays stay so slender eating all those fries covered in mayo.

My favorite view of the bike. I guess you can get it with SRAM or Shimano and some other wheel choices -check the go to link for information right here. 

While you'd be put on a waiting list and wait years for a Richard Sachs (Richard also makes you give him your first born child I hear), and the same for a Vanilla or Zanconato, you can get this one today! Not only  that, Speedy Chix is also throwing in THIS LITTLE FRITES EATING KID AS FREE RACE MECHANIC! (You just have to return her safe and sound to her parents after the race.) She's an easy keeper and only wants to be paid for her wrenching in frites and mayo, oh and some Slurpies to wash it all down. She's old enough right now to start working in the race pits, the only problem is when she hands you a bike the bars are usually covered in mayonaise. I think that's an awesome deal, don't you?*

*Okay it's not a real deal.

 NEXT UP: ITHACA GRAND PRIX OF CYCLOCROSS REGISTRATION NOW OPEN!

Since learning that the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back on I've been wearing my sweet Ithaca cap 24/7. Yeah I sleep in it. I also wear these white glasses so everyone knows I'm a biking dude. I mean white sunglasses in February, are you f*cking kidding me?

 That's right kids, the Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back, and if you register before September 1st, you could, might, oh yeah,  you might possibly  get  this snazzy IGPC T-shirt.

Yes, one of our most favorite ever freakin' ever Michigan cyclocross races ever has finally returned! The Ithaca Grand Prix of Cyclocross is back for 2012 under the command of JB Hancock, presented by Token Products and hosted by those cross-loving knuckle-heads who always have a cooler of beer in the tent and their vomit all over the course, TEAM SANDBAG! This year's race is going to be part of the STOMACH OF ANGER Series we enjoyed so much last year, and promises to be one of the big hits of the season. We're already planning on how many couches, grills, and kegs we need to bring. We're also going to have a contest to give away 3 free race registrations, but we have to figure out how to do it. I'd like it to go to 1) someone who had no intention of going and will be forced or shamed into with a free race or 2) Someone who really needs, which excludes all of you reading this so don't even think about it, just figure out who we can sucker with #1.

THE LOWELL 50 RETURNS -  THE THRILLA AFTER THE KILLA

Just one of the roads you'll be racing on in  the Lowell 50. Hopefully you won't be breaking the 15 ton regulation ya big lardy.

The Thrilla After The Killer, the Lowell 50 is back once again and hits the roads just the week after the Barry Roubaix. If you didn't get into the BRX, or just want to keep eating a solid diet of dirt roads, hills and humiliation,  this is your bet, and you can register now. We'll put a full race flyer a little later on - heaven forbid we stop with the shameless promotional bullshit around here.

BUNNY HOPPER OR BUNNY HOPPER HATER. IF YOU COULD, YOU WOULDN'T, WOULD YOU ...

Watch more video of USGP Derby City Cup 2011 on cyclingdirt.org

Don't be a hater just because you can't hop barriers. A nice little video spotted on Cycling Dirt Today. Hop on, haters! Also thinking about riding tonight? Let us know if you're going. See you at the launch area, maybe.

BACK IN THE SADDLE, OR OUT OF MY MIND. ARE YOU RIDING THE FAT TUESDAY RIDE TONIGHT?

 Well I might be back in the saddle tonight, for the Fat Tuesday Ride,unless the saddle looks like this. 

After a short vacation from the blog and bikes I'll be back at it again, hopefully on a more regular basis. Work, social engagements, repairing mud damaged bikes and dodging the Social Media Blanket Party that ensued after not being enraged enough over the possibility of causing ruts on single track (which I'd never do since I barely mountain bike anyway), I have  returned to once again offend as many people as possible, in as few words as possible.

As for tonight I better get back in the saddle and start whittling off the pounds that I was able to lay on in just a few short days. 

Nice weather over the weekend had me out riding again. If you notice something different about me in this picture - you're right. I've put new white handlebar tape on my training whip.

Well if you're brave enough, or dumb enough, I expect to see you at the same Bastard place tonight. Oh, and Happy Fat Tuesday. Here's what we expect the "After Ride Party" to look like.

THE REAL SH*T CYCLOCROSSERS SAY PART II

An improvement over the all Belgium Shit Cyclocrossers say, yes and no. This is an Adam Myerson inspired Shit Cyclocrossers say, and yes, it's funny. Lots of appearances by crazy Anthony Clark. Stay tuned to ride report from last night. Great ride, no mud, dry roads. Glad we got it in before the weather changed.

Watch more video of Adam Myerson on thom.cyclingdirt.org

HEY YOU KIDS STAY OFF MY MUDDY TRAILS! OKAY, NOW LET'S RIDE!

Everybody is into the "Hey you kids stay off my muddy trails!" movement these days. I don't know why a bike shop would want you not to ride in the mud. I destroyed an entire drive train last week riding in the mud and now I have to go to a bike shop and buy all sorts of shit to repair it. The sign should read; Ride in the mud fool, we'll take your money - that's what we do!

The above was photo was sent to me by a Crazy Bastard blog follower that knew I was having trouble fully grasping the "Stay You Fools" no-riding-on muddy-trail movement now sweeping West Michigan. He or she wanted me to know the seriousness of the issue. It would seems that the Stay You Fools Movement (SYFM) has now become a full-fledged  crusade, much like an Occupy Wall Street (or your city's name) movement, or a rocking social media killer-campaign like the recent one against the Susan Komen Foundation, that I guess was about Susan Komen arming small children with pink handguns like these:

I wish I could buy a handgun of any color to shoot mud in the face. The world would be a better place - "hey Mud, can't we all just get along? NO? Well take THIS! BLAM! BLAM! (and so on)

I just wish that this movement had come along earlier and protected the muddy roads from my bike, or my bike from the muddy roads last week. The poor thing is sitting in a heap on the garage floor, chain chopped off, cassette rusted and wrecked, rear derailleur frozen, and cables turned to crudded-up crap.

 This could have been prevented if there had been a sign in Townsend Park like the one below.

STAY OFF THE MUDDY ROADS YOU FOOL! YOU'LL RUIN YOUR F*CKING BIKE TO THE TUNE OF A HUNDRED BUCKS! (IDIOT!)

You rode it in the mud, of course it won't be okay. Ever again. And you've also destroyed the earth's crust and the earth's filling is now going to spill out and get eaten by birds.  Now we're all going to die. Hope you're happy, YOU FOOL!

Hey stay off my golf course mister cyclocrosser! Those ruts are going to really screw up my drives/short game/putting/drinking.

So I didn't get the warning in time, so it looks like I'm going to have to improvise for tonight's ride. Here's my new whip for the muddy month of February. Let's see Mr. Mud f*ck this thing up. I dare you Mud!

Classy push bike technology. Can I get this with electronic shifting, hydraulic disc brakes, and uh, an 11-speed instead of Z-10?

Speaking of riding on nasty surfaces that can wreck your bike, here are two videos by the retiring cyclocross pro from last weeks World Championship in Koksijde, Christian Huele, who makes lap videos that remind me of Big Mac's. One is a practice lap following Sven Nys, and the other is just sucking in the giant crowd. Enjoy, and maybe we'll see you at the ride tonight.

Hey try and keep up. I'm the fastest cyclocross racer in the world - ever!

Look who showed up. All these people are drunk. And smoking cigarettes. And eating fries literally drowning in mayonaise. I'm moving to Belgium. I also hear riding on mud is encouraged.

Cross Videos from Near and Far: Plus Riding Tonight

2011 Mad Anthony Cyclocross from Hans Nyberg on Vimeo.

I just recently saw a new video by Ten Mile Media, by Hans Nyberg, from a race earlier in the year - Mad Anthony. This was a great race, one I can't wait to do again this year. You'll see a lot of Bastards in this video, though I have yet to spot Big Mac in here - a video of his classic Tom Muesssssew move that he made in the maze after the barriers was pretty spectacular. Anyway, you'll see Cupcake, Nancy Lange, Matt Graves and a few others, including my Crashopotums self, hammering away in this thing. Check out the fun, the course, the crowd. Make sure you make this one next year!

While this is another commercial video (for Giant) it's not that commercial, and has some lovely video along with a few words by Katie Compton. Check out the mud, sand, and power that gets laid down here. Awesomeness on two wheels, for sure.

TONIGHT'S RIDE

It won't be this muddy tonight - I hope. Not only was  the chain destroyed in last Tuesday Night ride, the jockey wheels are frozen tight, the cassette is gone to rust and who know what else has turned to crap. It better not be muddy tonight, I'm running out of bikes. Single speed nation from now on.

I may be delayed in reaching the ride tonight as I have a late meeting in a place called Muskegon, wherever in the hell that is. While I may not be there for the launch, I plan to be there for the end, and will be waiting to greet the survivors of the ride in the parking lot, or at the Honey Creek, if you're just too damn slow or have gone too far (riding to much already, are you?) for me to wait. Yes, I am impatient. While a little cooler than the past few days, at least it won't be as muddy.

WARNING WILL ROBINSON,  THE TRAIL IS SQUISHY!

If you are a member of a thing known as Facebook, you'll be well aware that it is dangerous to ride a bicycle on trails where the ground that is too soft or squishy, as you can cut the planet clean-in-half. It is especially dangerous to ride mountain bikes and fat bikes on squishy surfaces, I've heard, though I'm not sure why. The best option, it seems is to ride on dirt roads, pavement, or other people's trails, and not your own. Many postings on Facebook are warning people not to ride in certain places because of the danger. Here is my favorite warning so far:

"Please stay you stupid fools!"

I nearly cringed in fear, and indeed curled up in a trembling fetal ball on the basement floor, and nearly swallowed the gag-ball I had been chewing on, when I saw the warning above. First, it doesn't really make sense, so I not sure if this person wants you not to move, stay away, or what, I just don't know for sure, but fear of the unknown is one of the greatest fears of all. The second most frightening thing about this warning is that it's written in the same language and word choice as this guy, below, uses, who is a frequent contributor to the Michigan Scene, one of the greatest blogs ever blogged.

I was further horrified to watch videos of muddy tracks on local trails leading into some dark woods. My hope is that it will rain someday and wash away those tracks, and the surface will be as smooth as a golf course, once again. As you know, nobody likes having their squisky surfaces messed up like golfers, well I guess you can include mountain bikers in that group too, now. Here's a little video of some guys digging up a golf course with some motocross bikes, along with the reaction of the golfers which is either: "HEY YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN/GOLF COURSE!" or "PLEASE STAY YOU STUPID FOOLS!"

More Motocross Videos

Of course if you want a real lesson in tearing up a golf course, or riding on a squishy surfaces, maybe it's time to revisit a ride-along over a golf course in Chicago, with Big Mac. "Hey Adam, stay out of my sand traps!"

MUDALICIOUS RIDE REPORT

What's wrong with this picture. No, it's not a super-slo-mo shot. It's stuck that way.

Busy with work, I have been unable to keep up with latest news and reports from Crazy Bastard-land, so here's a long over-due update from last week's ride on Tuesday. I'm hearing that there wasn't much action on Thursday, probably because every body's bike looked like the thing above. Just washed this bike off yesterday and tried to revive the chain ... but no go. It's dead.

Here's BK Dave and Mudlicious-Mariposa celebrating (in some strange way) after the ride.

Here MM, Mudilicious Mariposa, models her new mud jacket. Did I mention that BK and MM pushed a  tandem through all that muck? Yeah they're tough guys.

With great temperatures we were tempted to stretch the ride out and went up to where the Crazy Chihuahua lives. Except for the mud damage to the bikes, it was a great ride - I thought so, anyway.

Doug, the face of last week's dirt road ride. Mud-Dug,  that's what we'll call him from now on.

Pushing the massive weight of studded tires through thick, leg-sapping mud, the effort finally made one of Kahuna's eye's explode. You'll look bad-ass with a patch Kahuna.

What the hell is this? It used to be a helmet, no it's some strange clod of white clay. Time for a new drive train, bike and helmet? 

A thing of beauty. Ready for sacrifice to the muddy roads?

I'm replacing the rear derailleur on the training bike with the one above for next week's ride. Think that's a good idea? I can have it cleaned at the jewelers. Check back on Monday for over-the-weekend race reports and some information on the state of cross in the USA. Also - how about a CBX After-The-Season party? It's in the works, who's interested?