2014: YEAR OF THE KISS-OFF

Ambassador Kissoff is calling from the war room. Hellow, Dr. Strangelove, it's 2014 and it's KISSOFF TIME! 

Sven Nys Kissed-Off his Colnago goodbye in 2014. How's that mud taste? Like money I'll bet.

Sven kissing his sweet Colnago (the same one he had been riding since he was three) wasn't the only thing that got kissed-offed in 2014. Probably the most import thing for Michigan Cyclocrossers and bike racers that got kissed off year was this guy ...

That's right, Mr. T and the Michigan Scene have gotten on their bikes, kissed-off and ridden into the sunset. Crap!

For Michigan cyclists the Michigan Scene has been a staple of gossip, laughs, bullshits and butt hurt for the last 50-years. Okay, not that long, but a long time. Unfortunately for TMS fans like you and me,the 'Scene has suddenly vanished into thin internet air with no explanation. After my dial-up internet takes hold, here's all that comes up now ...

This blog is open to invited readers only

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

http://themichiganscene.blogspot.com/

Now I really have to wonder if its only "open to invited readers only" since the whole thing was a crazy rambling rant by Mr. T, Mr. Rotten and Mr Lemmy for what appeared to be an anonymous crowd of self-proclaimed assholes. If you missed the comments, here's a little playback:

DOPAGE

DOPAGE

DOPAGE

CHUNKY DUNKER SUCKS

QUESTIONABLE WATTAGE

LOW T

JTP IS DOPAGE

Well there was a lot more to TMS than that. I certainly had plenty of laughs hanging out in T's smelly basement. I also will miss easy access to the Hipster Porn, but that's another story. At least I have this one last comment, directed to me personally, to remember that great, great blog/site/whateverthefuckitwas by ...

Anonymous‬ said...

Surly is dead on, but if you ask that smug DFL mother fucker, he is right about everything. So much hate, so little heart.

6:10 AM

So true, so true. I like to think I have a heart of stone, which is kinda cool and I really appreciate being honored this way, especially at 6:10 AM which makes me think it was Adam York's parrot doing the posting. I don't know about you but I'm really going to miss those fucking assholes. Bye-bye T, we loved ya ...

Here's something else I'm going to miss (and KISS OFF) this year because of a scheduling conflict ...

2014 CYCLO-CROSS AND OFFICIALS MEETING

The MBRA will be holding a cyclo-cross race directors meeting and official's only meeting on Sunday, February 2^nd  on the campus of Central Michigan University.

I think it's delightful that they MBRA is having a meeting that's about cyclocross, promoters and "officials only" where they will probably address earth shaking and important matters like "Hand-Ups. Are they really a crime or just some stupid cycling disdemeanor that nobody gives a shit about?"

Are beer hand-ups a crime? Not when Drunk Cyclist's little darling Shot Glass is doing the handing-up. Now that TMS is gone you might consider Drunk Cyclist as a refreshing blog spot visit.

Hey I think hand-ups are a great topic and could go on and on, or at least until the ward nurse gives me my medication and I shut up. Personally when there's a semi-competitive race going on (any race in Michigan) I'm not a big fan of beer or liquored-up hand-ups, especially if it can screw with the park's rules or regulations and jeopardize the promoter's ability to put on a race. But for the most part when you're totally sucking ass out there or riding a single-speed, which is essentially the same thing, gagging on a piece of bacon or some crappy PBR should be okay.

So I'm really sorry that I will have to KISS-OFF on this meeting and not put my worthless two-cents in about bacon and beer or even submit a concept for a new cyclocross race. Why? Don't I care about the promotion of Cyclocross in Michigan? Yes I do ... Then do I not care that there might possibly be a death sentence for hand-ups in the coming year? Why don't I go for fucks-sake? 

Well that's because the meeting is on the same day and at practically the time as the UCI CYCLOCROSS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS! That's why ...

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CYCLOCROSS FEBRUARY 2, 2014

Maybe the MBRA can be forgiven for their placement of the date and time of their cyclocross meeting on the same day and time of the World Championship because the $100 poster for the Cyclocross World Championships doesn't have the date or time on it. Maybe they though it was just going to happen somewhere around "windmill time" in the Netherlands.

The MBRA already pulled this once this year by scheduling one of their meetings on the same day as the Michigan Cyclocross Championships in Addison Oaks. It's starting to look like they look at a calendar, find a cyclocross championship event and plug in a meeting or a party on that date. So whether I wanted to promote a race, or just drop by  to give some lame hand-ups and thoughts or ideas on Michigan CX racing I can't because as a hardcore Vier and Sporza Euro-Cross watching addict there's no way I'm budging from the bean bag in front of my-Fucking-Apple TV and miss this race for a trip to Mount-Not-So Pleasant for a meeting with some bike geeks.

Last year I drove to Looeyville just to see the race. You think I'm going to miss it for a meeting? Do you think anybody who really digs 'cross is going to miss this? I don't think so. So probably the only people that show for this "cyclocross" meeting are those that want this kind of bike:

The new Niner Gravel Road Bike. It's a cross bike for people who want a cross bike but don't want a cross bike.

In addition to the meeting being on the same date and practically same hour as the WC Cyclocross race in Hoogerheide there are also some other important things going on that day that I don't want to miss ...

Marmot Day 2014

February 2, 2014 in Alaska

This is my favorite way to celebrate Marmot Day. Nice Marmot.

Marmot Day takes place on February 02, 2014. Marmot Day is an Alaskan holiday established to celebrate marmots and Alaskan culture. Although local festivals have been part and parcel of frontier life for decades, Marmot Day became an official holiday on April 18, 2009. 

Groundhog Day 2014

February 2, 2014

Who can forget Ground Hog Day? Not me. Not Bill Murray either. But the MBRA, hmmmm.

Groundhog Day is an annual holiday celebrated on February 2 in the United States and Canada. According to folklore, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue for six more weeks. 

World Wetlands Day

February 2, 2014

The last guy left in the mud at a cross race. Think he'll be making the meeting? Hell no. Looks like he needs a hand-up.

World Wetlands Day is celebrated on February 02, 2014. It marks the date of the signing of the Convention on Wetlands, called Ramsar Convention, on 2 February 1971, in the Iranian city of Ramsar on the shores of the Caspian Sea. WWD was celebrated for the first time in 1997 and made an encouraging beginning. Each year, government agencies, non-governmental organizations, and groups of citizens at all levels of the community have taken advantage of the opportunity to undertake actions aimed at raising public awareness of wetland values and benefits in general and the Ramsar Convention in particular.

Taylor Swift
February 2, 2014

The O2 Arena

Peninsula Square

London SE10 0DX

United Kingdom

Right after the race was over I was planning on jetting over on the private Crazy Bastard G6 to London to see Taylor Swift. Not because I like Taylor Swift, but because she's playing the O2 Arena.

The O2 will be full of Taylor Swift February 2nd, but who cares? Remember where you've seen this place before?

That's right Bond. James Bond. A Much-More-Pleasant place to be February 2nd. (And on top of the O2 that night you can hear Taylor Swift through your feet!) Maybe this would be a good place for a race.

Oh, I almost forgot that this was going on the same day too ...

NFL SUPER BOWL XLVIII
Sunday, February 2, 6:30 on FOX
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

I can't wait for this, and I can't get enough of Richard Sherman's viral video interviews which should be even better and even crazier for the Super Bowl. The only guy that gives interviews this wild is Kevin Pauwels. Here's an interview with Kevin just before last year's Worlds in Looeyville. I was in the room when this was happening and could literally feel the electricity in the air as Kevin went on and on about Power Cranks. He just wouldn't shut up. Watch him ...

Wow, I'm waiting for my heart rate to come down before I can update this my hands are shaking so hard from listening to Kevin. I wonder if the MBRA is going to have some Super Bowl / Hand-Up snacks at the meeting?

RAIN ON THE ICE MAN PARADE - PLUS NEW TEAM KITS ON THE WAY!

Could this be what tomorrow's ICE MAN looks like because of torrential rains? Lets hope so.

Last year nearly wrote a book on the ICE MAN. This year I'm all out of letters. Used them all last year, and yes that's a picture of me on the cover. I'm wearing a wig and a mask of course.

Well, I won't be making it to this year's ICE MAN to offer semi-live reports, semi-live from the hotel. From the sounds of it, it could be a pretty soggy affair, which would probably play havoc with my plastic toy tent and all the electronic equipment I need to keep my semi-live feeds going. So best of luck everyone, I'm out, though I'd dearly love to hear the sound of 8,000 disc brakes scratching their way through a cedar swamp, but it looks like I'm out.

This is how we imagine our imaginary ICE MAN racer would look like before she got a few sprinkles on her ...  and before it started to rain on her parade.

For those of you participating in tomorrow's ICE MAN here's a song for you (above), sung by long-time ICE MAN Champion, Barbara Streisand, who actually invented the ICE MAN. Bet you didn't know that! So hum a tune, and maybe the rain will hold off. Maybe it won't. No matter what, don't let a few sprinkles ruin your ICE MAN EXPERIENCE™.

NEW LOOKS AND TEAM KITS AND SKIN SUITS FOR THE SECOND PART OF THE CYCLOCROSS SEASON!

Rebecca Wissman rocks the Tailwind Leopard print for her team every weekend. Looks like her kit is getting an upgrade in the near future ...

The new direction for Team Tailwind is for more Leopard spots, everywhere, plus Leopard flocking on the helmet. 

The shot above is by our Belgium correspondent, Willem Beerland. A nice shot from Ruddervooorde, somewhere, we guess, in Belgium, last weekend. This young Japanese lady rocked a bedazzled helmet last year which we think inspired Sarah McIntyre's be-jeweled lid this year.

She's smiling because she has diamonds on her lid ... go-fast diamonds that is ...

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE IN NEW KIT NEWS!

You don't say? Yeah, you didn't say, did you ...

While I may have missed publishing the press release about the addition of Adam York and Tom Burke to the Wolverine Cycling Team / Wolverine Sports Club at the beginning of the season, I'm not going to miss the opportunity to leak news, that may or may not be true, about the team's new skin suits, coming soon to a cyclocross race near you ... 

Wolverine Team Management had quite a battle on their hands in coming up with a new design that everybody could get on board with. I think one of those guys above is Matt Baroli, in the bad hair-piece, getting all choked up about the possible new look for the team.

The driving force behind the change is thought to be Wolverine's Kelly Paterson. A long-time Trekky, she thought the new look would brighten-up her race-chops - and make everybody crazy. She was right on one point. 

Here's Kelly Paterson's idea of the perfect cyclocross skin suit. Can't say we disagree Kelly!

Das German in Wolverine standard kit - doing what the Wolverine's have been doing a lot of all season long.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, the management didn't agree to the slick silver look and decided to stay with the same, tried and true Wolverine design.

While some members of the team might have looked great in this kit, you have to wonder how it would have looked on Adam York. Hmmmm ...

Well it wouldn't be the first time the York had been in a silver-grey skinsuit. This was a nice look by the way - as long as you didn't get too close and got a look at what was under it ...

After some deliberation, it was decided that Paterson could have her own "special" kit for a few races - just to be different. Look for this on a podium near you, soon.

Shouldn't that say "Wolverine," and be red, white and black?

LOOKING FOR THE ULTIMATE CRAZY BASTARD COACH

Most of us need a coach that will get right in our faces. Until we get sick of that and just want to screw off.

Yesterday I was on the fence about training and was looking for some answers. I guess what I needed was a coach - about ten years ago. It's a little late now. In this episode I'm trying to decide on what type of coach would be the perfect Crazy Bastard Coach - if there is such a thing - and you'll have to read until the end to find out! Here we go in our search ...

The Hippy Chick knows her cross, but doesn't have time to coach your sorry ass. Sorry, sorry ass.

Yesterday I was looking just for answers and a shortcut to success. So I quizzed THE ALL KNOWING CYCLOCROSS HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, hoping to find an easy solution. You can see what that all came to here.

Frites and mayo? Yeah, you don't look like you could use that, fat ...

Years ago, back in 2010 in fact, I tried the same thing by leaning on the CYCLOCROSS CHEF OF KNOWLEDGE. While I didn't get any better training tips, I sure did put on a lot of weight. Thanks Chef!

Experienced at 'cross, but maybe color blind.

When looking for coach, look for someone with experience, like the MICHIGAN PIRATE OF 'CROSS, above. Whether they have the time or inclination to coach you is another thing. Experience, and somebody like the Pirate has a lot, will tell him you're not worth the effort.

Silly Kelly. It's always good to work in some humor with your training and racing, and have some fun.

While a coach like this may seem fun on the surface, it's probably hiding a killer work effort that you don't want any part of.

Then there's this approach to coaching and training.

Well, uh,  no ...

This guy is smart. Probably smarter than all of us put together. 

Do brains alone make a good coach? The smart guy above loves training in total crap weather. He rides his steel single speed cross bike in so much mud and snow that it's a wonder  there's any paint left on it from all the power washing. His motto to training: "Slow speed, high watts, baby." Yeah, too smart for me.

All-round superior riders that know how to train right.

Unfortunately they don't have time to share the secrets with you. That's how smart they are.

Then there's old school.

 Thanks coach! You've made me what I am today!

... completely insane. 

In selecting a coach, you want somebody that's really into cycling, heart and soul.

But not this guy. He looks smelly.

You may want a coach that believes in enjoying the ride, too.

But not this crazy b&$#ch.

Champions that have beers named after them are also a good bet for a coach.

As well as racers that drink the beer of Champions.

Or you could go Hollywood and pick a national icon and get coached online.

More beer drinking coaching here, I think,

But apparently the beer drinking approach does seem to work for some. 

If you follow In the Crosshairs you'll find one of the best teaching tools around are the #SVENNESS videos that crop up on their site after big European races. Watch these and learn from the best rider in the world, most often that rider being Sven Nys. The downside is that I look at this stuff, and yeah it's great, but do I have any of the skills or the engine to pull any of this shit off? The answer is NO. Still it's fun to watch.Tune in here.

#SVENNESS 2.3 from In The Crosshairs on Vimeo.

Finally here's the ultimate Crazy Bastard coach, in my opinion. You don't really work hard or train hard, because you have no expectations of success. He knows you are a loser and just keeps pounding that reality home. It's just a long, drawn out process of humiliation. A lot like everyday life. Watch and learn, kids. I love his use of the word, "miscreant."

Weak Men Pay This Boxing Coach To Tell Them They Are Terrible from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.

ASK THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: IS IT TIME TO TRAIN OR TAPER?

Wanna know something 'bout cross? Well dude, put the bong down for a minute and I'll tell you everything you need to know ...

Due to the Retirement of The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge, The All Knowing Hippy Chick of Cross  will now be providing us with answers to all of our 'cross and gravel racing questions. It's great to know that she's on the scene, because I've got a lot a questions that need to be answered.

I'll have some fries with that poodle, thanks!

You remember the Cyclocross Chef of knowledge from a few years ago? He knew it all, he fried it all he dished all the 'cross info we were hungry for. Unfortunately he has retired and now has a television cooking show in Korea called "Dog Eat Dog." Tune in some time, it's tasty!

1. TRAIN OR TAPER FOR THE RACE THIS WEEKEND?

The Lowell 50 is coming up this Saturday (have you registered yet? If not do it here and now!) and a lot of people want to know, like me, if it's too late to start training or if I should start tapering? People like Tony H,  pictured above, have started to taper for a race that's weeks away. Tony is a pretty fast guy and seems to know what he's doing. What should I do?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Crap, the race is Saturday. WTF and you want to start training now? Well dumb ass it's too late to start training, like that would help anyway, so you might as well just do what Tony is doing right now - start drinking! That way you'll either not feel the pain or just entertain the rest of the racers by puking in the ditch after the first five miles. Kinda like the Swanzy does when he races ...  

2. COULD I PLAY CATCH UP BY MOTOR PACING MYSELF INTO SHAPE BY SATURDAY - YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PRO'S DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Man you are one dumb f*ck, aren't you. Listen up loser, the only  thing you're get from motor pacing probably some frostbite from the wind chill and a cough from eating exhaust. Leave motor pacing so somebody that is totally freaked out flipped out and wazzzzzzupppsiiiiicksoofreeeekingsssiiick like the dude above.

(For Sale $400 - really)

3. I DON'T HAVE A DEDICATED GRAVEL BIKE. WILL MY CYCLOCROSS BIKE WORK FOR THE LOWELL 50, ON SATURDAY?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: While I hate to prop up the Capitalist Pig Establishment that runs this country, and put money in the pockets of those profiting from pure marketing and consumerism baloney of having to have a dedicated bike for everything, I have to say that you don't stand a chance in Timothy Leary's most freaked out Acid Nightmares without a dedicated Gravel Bike. Cross bikes just don't work. I don't know why, but they don't. Something about the weird-ass chainstays or some shit like that. My advice is to ride a single-speed, like the one above that is now for sale at a low, low Lowell 50 discount price and available for the race this weekend. By riding a single speed you can ride as stoned or as blind drunk as you want, 'cause you never have to make a decision like, "uh which gear now?" The other big plus of a single speed is that you have a ready excuse for sucking and coming in DFL. It's like, "Hey I couldn't keep up, I was on a single speed and my 53 x 14 just bogged down in the hills ..."

4. WHAT KIND OF TIRES SHOULD I ROLL?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Roll what Aaron is rolling -and smoking apparently. Whatever  those hot-ass skins are he seems to get off on them. I dig the color too. Isn't orange the color of "INSANITY?" Must be, look at Huntington's eyes. Whoa, whacked, dude, whacked!

(A typical Slayer Training Ride)

5. WILL MOUNTAIN BIKERS HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE IN A RACE LIKE THE LOWELL 50? HOW ABOUT AT ICE MAN?

 THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: Don't worry about the mountain bikers, they are so full of holes and have had their head rattled so many times from hitting trees all season long they're sure to make a wrong turn. As for iceman, you don't need to be a mountain biker to get it on, you're better off if you're one of these dudes ...

(Is Ice Man a Mountain Bike race, or a Time Trial? Maybe we'll Julie Boonen Davison's brother next time.)

6. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I RIDE OR RACE THIS SEASON IT RAINS AND THERE'S MUD UP TO THE SEAT. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S 'CROSS ROMANTIC, BUT I'M F*%KING SICK OF IT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS: For a two-bit guy like you I say the best bet is wipe the whiney-ass mud-snot of your face and go to the nearest, and crumbiest car wash you can find. Don't listen to all that crap from the boyz in the bike shop about power washing bikes, either. Half of those dimwits are stoners and they've got nothing better to do than clean shit out of the cracks with a tooth brush and smoke Wednesday Weed. Besides that they make new bottom brackets and hubs, duh, don't they?

(A scene that keeps repeating itself this season)

If you don't dig the car wash, and don't have a garden hose, then maybe you could find somebody like this to wash your bikes ... but I  think it will cost somebody like you more than a handful of tokens ... dude ...

Our thanks to  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS for her help in preparing for the upcoming race this weekend. If you have a question for  THE ALL KNOWING HIPPY CHICK OF CROSS, don't Bogart it, post it in the comments or on Face Book and we'll pass it on to her.

"Peace out, bitches! Now for some real music. Enjoy the ride!"