MAD ANTHONY REPORT: WHO YOU CALLING PSYCHO?

Adrian and Adam get in each other's face at the start line. "No #1 call-up for you today, Big Boy! This isn't Chicago, this is Detroit, and we're Punk as Hell!" Yeah, Adrian is a tough guy, she is. I fought her once, and lost ...

Mad Anthony entered a new era on on Saturday as apart of the Tailwind Series with a new course, a new look and for the first time ever - rain and a little mud. But it was still the same battle for the fort that has been raging now for over 200-years.

This is what the battles at Fort Wayne's Mad Anthony looked like before cyclocross was invented. It was dirty, smelling and people got hurt. Wait, nothing has changed in over two-centuries?

Mad Anthony got more coverage in the Detroit Free Press than Mad Anthony Wayne, ever got. Here's a nice shot of Cupcake clearing the barriers.

For those of you that weren't there, or were too busy hiding in your truck accidentally putting embrocation on your naughty bits, go here to check out the great photos that were posted on the Detroit Free Press website.

Start of the Men's Elite. Yeah it's the Pony up the hill first and gone. A little rain and it's like "My Little Pony Magic Go Dust." Can you get tested for that?

I don't know about Pony-Dust™, but maybe we should all get tested for that Detroit Black Shit™ that got all over everything and ruined my F*cking Yellow Shoes™ and Sausage White Skinsuit™. After two centuries of shooting with black powder and giant lead balls soft enough to melt in your mouth, and blowing to bits in the air, I wonder what the contest of that Black Shit™really was?

"Men, you might not seeing them put we will be killing and wounding Cyclocross racers, inside our beloved and sacred Fort Wayne, two hundred plus years from now, or something like that. Fire that crappy shit in your guns down there NOW!"

Once a great spot for shooting and killing invaders of all races and creeds, this was also a cool spot to watch the race. And smoke cigarettes, if you were a hipster. But more about that later ...

Just wait until they get a closer before you shoot ...

SHOOT NOW! Great views of the action from the gun ports, aimed right at the invading Elite Men's chase group coming down into the moat. Guess I should have waited until they were closer ...

Of course you can get too close to shoot ... here's Cupcake screaming "DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!" Funny, I didn't hear that when the Free Press Photographer was snapping her.

This year's course not only featured greasy mud, it also had a bunch of Twisty-Ass-Turns™ courtesy of the good folks at Tailwind.

Nice viewing on the infield where there was more action to watch. It still seemed like they were gone too fast ...

The top of the first climb out of the fort, after the start, was the place to watch the bottle-necks, and carnage.

"But what about you, Surly? How did your race go?," asked no one ever.

A pouting, grumpy face is worth a thousand Surly words, or not worth bothering with. I didn't have a good race, thanks for asking. The only people I passed were laying on the ground or being carried away - and that's no way to move up. While I could blame myself for another poor performance, I'll try to find some excuse for my Shit Race™.

HIPSTERS SMOKING IN THE TUNNEL

It wasn't enough to go into the darkness of the tunnel (note the ghost image), and then be blinded seconds later by the good old "Light At the End of The Tunnel," I also had to suck in  a good lung full of cigarette smoke as a free "Hand-Up." I guess second-hand cigarette smoke hand-ups aren't a crime - in Detroit.

Are "Smoke Hand-Ups" a crime? I'll have to check the hand book on that one.

Since it was raining, the Mad Anthony Tunnel was a great spot for a smoke and made it less likely that grubby, hand-rolled hipster cigarettes didn't fall apart when hit by a rain drop.

In case you didn't see them, this it what the filthy hipsters looked like. Almost as bad as dirty hippies, aren't they?

There were just a few Hipsters that made it through the Mad Anthony defenses to share their hipster life-style with the rest of us. When I told the little smoking-shits in the tunnel that they shouldn't be smoking, I was informed: "HEY, MAN. THIS IS DETROIT!" After driving by abandoned buildings and crack houses on the way to the race, how could I forget so quickly? By the way, Detroit is Punk as Hell and Broke Not Broken, in case you didn't get a T-shirt that said so, or if you don't have this record in your music library ...

Whenever I forget that Detroit is Punk as Hell, I just put on THE PROJECTIONS and it all comes back to me ...

ON YOUR LEFT, OR RIGHT, OR WHATEVER

Somebody wanted to win the Children's Category Cat-3 really, really bad.

Near the end of my race I was sadly getting lapped by one of the Children Cat-3 racers. One of them gave me the ON YOUR RIGHT/LEFT warning from behind, which if you know is real low on my list of things I like to hear in a race, no matter how shitty I'm riding. While I tried to move out of the way, I got a second ON YOUR RIGHT, and then was told in a whining tone of desperation: "I'M TRYING TO WIN THIS RACE!" To which I replied: "Well I could give f*ck less if you win this race." After the finish we had a little discussion, which didn't go well. I think he finally called me a "PSYCHO!" which may well be true ... so I've got that going for me.

Yeah, who you call in Psycho, you big baby-cat guy?

WHAT THE HELL IS CROSS WEATHER AND WHEN DOES IT ACTUALLY START?

From now on I am waiting until she decides what's real cross weather and what's not before I go.

I became embroiled in a minor controversy, on a thing called Face Book, after Mad Anthony, about what are real cyclocross weather and conditions, and what are Faux-Cross conditions. When I read that that Mad Anthony had the first real true cyclocross conditions of the year, I reminded the poster that Lower Huron also had mud, which appeared to be the true mark of a true cyclocross race, according to the criteria he was using to decide the legitimacy of a race. His reply was "NO," that the temperature was too high (steaming in fact) at Lower Huron so it didn't count. According to this, it would seem that window for having a real cyclocross race is so small, that the only way we can be sure of having a real cyclocross race is move to Portland and only race in November. I can't tell you how disappointed I was to learn that all the races I've done so far this year were only Faux-Cross races.

Cross Crusade Race #4 PIR from Burk Webb on Vimeo.

According to some, this, and this alone is true Cross Racing. If the mud isn't over 6-inches deep and the temperature between freezing and really uncomfortable, you should stay home.

BACK TO THE GUYS AND GALS WHO ACTUALLY RACED LIKE THEY MEANT IT

Congrats to Jeff Weinert on running away with another one, and the other guys too. 

A special tip of the cap to team mate Adam McIntyre for looking strong in the first chase group, but then flatting a tire, and still coming back for a step on the podium. It was also great to see Queen Anne back in action after her injury at Lower Huron. 

 

Bruce LeBlanc isn't laughing with you, he's laughing at you silly cyclocross racer. 

One more special thanks to Tailwind for the great course, and to Bruce LeBlanc for looking after the course and ensuring our safety out there. Most of the time you don't even know see or hear about the work the officials do, but they inspect every inch of that course to make sure we can enjoy our racing without working about unseen dangers. Well done Bruce, we really appreciate your often unseen, and under-appreciated work.

IS NYS TRAINING FOR MAD ANTHONY? LOADS OF VIDEOS AND MORE!

Mad Anthony is back - and is now a part of the Tailwind Series. Race is on this Saturday!

Who would have thought that a novelty race in a Revolutionary War fort, surrounded by Crack Houses, would become a Michigan Cyclocross classic? Well it's true kids, and it sounds like it will draw another big crowd of crazy 'crossers. While the originators did a nice job of building the foundation of this race, it's nice to see that Mad Anthony is now a part of the Tailwind Series. It's a fun course, always has a great vibe, and most amazingly, thanks to electrified wire and machine gun towers you feel completely safe from the surrounding neighborhood which is filled with Meth-Zombies and Crack Zombies. Well done guys.

This sign IS NOT FROM THE MAD ANTHONY neighborhood. But if I saw it driving in I wouldn't exactly go, "Oh wow, who would'a thought ..." Also, don't worry, you're safe inside the fort! Plus I exaggerate.

Of course there are additional, available pit crew personnel available in the area at very reasonable prices. Wait does that say PIT? Hey where's my bike and all my wheels?

MAD ANTHONY VIDEOS

Over the years Mad Anthony has produced a number of really quality videos. Let's start with one of my favorites, Adam McIntyre's on-bike video from 2012. Nice music track, Big Mac.

A beautiful Mad Anthony video by Hans Nyberg from 2011. The fort's backdrop, the bikes, the music, all well done.

2
011 Mad Anthony Cyclocross from Hans Nyberg on Vimeo.

Here is one more nice Mad Anthony by Matt Dughi in 2010. Fitting music score. Things haven't changed much when you look at the course and the racing. I hear there are course changes in the works for this year, but how much can it really change? Jump of the wall? Awesome!

IS SVEN NYS TRAINING FOR MAD ANTHONY? SECRET TRAINING VIDEO REVEALS RAMPART TRAINING INTERVALS BY THE CHAMP MEANS IT MAY BE ON HIS HIT LIST!

Of course Sven Nys isn't coming to Mad Anthony, it's just that I'll say anything to get people to tune into this stupid blog. Watching this video reminded me, however, of the short sharp ramparts inside the fort that can make a big difference in how your race goes. If Sven were training for Mad Anthony, this would how he'd do. See you at Mad Anthony!

THE MUD, THE DUTCH, THE RIDE AND A STRIPPER CAR WASH

Last Night's ride was classic Crazy Bastard. Pissing rain, mud, and wind. 

The photo above isn't really that grainy - it's just the wet sand that got into everything. We had 9-Bastards braving the elements last night. L-R Casey, Dr. Phil, Dave, Michaccchael from the Netherlands, Aaron Beebe, Adam McIntyre, and Kim Lee.

A divine light? Or a spotlight from Hell. You decide.

While I don't really care to get a photo of myself in my own blog (I mean enough me already), in this case I stepped in and Dave took this shot. You will notice that a divine spark has illuminated me in this photo. I'm sending it in to the Vatican today ... I thinking a Tom Hanks movie is on the way.

Michaccchael, fresh in from the Netherlands rode with us last night. 

What a treat for our visiting friend! While I didn't get a good shot of him on the ride (you can see him in the group shot), this is just about what his face looked like when he wiped the mud off at the bar. Oh, and instead of the paint, there was a bucket of beer sitting in front of him.

Before we go any further, for translation purposes and correct pronunciation, Michaccchael's name sounds like a combination of Challah and Michael.

It's always fun to share our twisted version of American Culture with our European cousins. Michaccchael was rather surprised to discover those lumpy things we call "hills" which it appears that they don't have in Holland. "You guys just go up them without slowing down." The other thing that Michaccchael couldn't get his blond bangs around was the fact that we chose not to ride on pavement. Pavement it seems, is all the rage for riding in Holland. Just to be sure I looked it up on the "internets" to see if he was lying ...

Nope, sure enough Michaccchael wasn't kidding. The Netherlands is as flat as a pancake, no hills and nothing put pavement and tulips as far as the eye can see.

Upon further investigation I also discovered that a lot of Dutch biking and bikers looked like this.

Looks like way more fun than slogging through 20-miles of mud, a flat, and teeth full of grit, with a bunch of smelly, cursing Americans. Poor guy. What are you doing here anyway? And what kind of friends would drag you out on a shit night like this one to ride?

Another thing I discovered about Dutch cycling is how they roll in the rain - with bike umbrellas! 

How come we've never thought of this before? Because it would totally screw our Strava Kings and Stop Ahead, No I Can't Stop Sprinters, that's why. Michaccchael also asked how many times it rained like this in our strange fucking country. "Two, three times a year?" Yeah, he's never coming back here again.

If you don't believe me about the umbrella on a bike thing in the Netherlands, just watch this. It's all true! I wouldn't lie to you ... unless I had to.

Not all Dutch cyclists use an umbrella when they ride. We pointed out to Michaccchael that there are some Dutch cyclists that don't mind mud, hills or anything else for that matter ....

Marianne Vos. Some women have a closet full of shoes, she has a closet full of trophies and bike crap.

So we shared,with Michaccchael, our admiration for the greatest cyclist in the world today, Dutch cyclist, Marianne Vos. Here Vos pictured sitting among some of her winnings over the past week.

The Dirty Mudder Single Speed lived up to its name. Thankfully the only replacement part that might be required is a $10 single-speed chain.

Yeah, (above photo) was what was sitting in the back of the Grandpa van this morning. Along with some trashed bike kit, boots and helmet, all caked in white mud-poop. Thankfully there was a car wash with just the crew I was looking for - and they happened to be specializing in bikes today! Just ahead of me, in line, was good old Mario Cipollini . His bike didn't really look like it needed that thorough of a washin, but he got the deluxe wash anyway.

When they were done, this is what Mario looked like. Looks like they got it all ... now that's clean! Well except for the STDs on the saddle that is.

CROSS RACING GOES GONG SHOW: A FAST AND FURIOUS REVIEW

"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Bell Lap at Chicago Jackson Park is serious business - don't mess with it, or him, or you will be relegated permanently to hell, okay?

Riding around the course at the Lansing CX Festival (notice I didn't say racing) this past Saturday a heckler dropped  a good one on me ...

"Hey, why the fuck don't you update your goddamn blog, asshole?"

Point well taken, sir. Well, I have been pretty busy, yelling and swearing at fellow bikers, maintaining a poor diet and trashing my training program on a daily basis (training with power are you kidding?), and oh yeah working and the having my brain turned to snot in Genesee County, but I guess that's no excuse, so it's time to get down to it, push on the pedals, or the keyboard in this case and rumble through as many races I can in one lame blog. Here's what I know since the last blog report since Waterford ...

CHICAGO CROSS CUP #1 JACKSON PARK

Racers, tape, and turns as far as the eye can see.

I've been doing this race for a lot of years. A lot. When I started there was one piece of tape and some Styrofoam cups making the course. Now it's a packed affair. Unfortunately, this year, the course and all the people (600-700 racers!) were packed into a small sliver of grass. Adam counted 80-turns per lap - every race was at the limit with a 100-riders, so it was a dizzy ride, to say the least. Amazing I only dropped one F-bomb on a guy who squeezed past on the outside, smacking my bars (that was okay, not a word) but then when I held on and rode him into the tape exiting the turn he wanted me to "hold my line," (Hahahahaha!) I let it go ...

If you think a Crazy Bastard pit looks overloaded with Cross-Crap™, you ain't seen nothing until you've been to a Chicago Cross Cup. There is more ...

....Cross-Crap™, bags, clothes, and junk ...

... and bikes (everybody brings 6-bikes to the race, than you've ever seen before.

Sarah McIntyre was a on wait list to get into the Cat 3/4 Women which had been closed for weeks. Lucky her, she got to start in the Cross-Mosh-Pit™.

Nancy Lange was in it to git' it. In 80-turns, in 4 or 5 laps, Nancy had a few miscues and crashed 3-times. If you consider she had to negotiate around 400-turns in her race, that's not too bad. And she wasn't the only one ... plenty hit the deck.

Good crowds on hand. Ever see this many fans on the hand at the end of the Cat 3/4 women's race in Michigan? Come on ... we can do it!

Want to see what the race was like? Here's a video from father back in the field of Adam's Cat 3 Race. 100 riders, 80-turns a laps - yikes. Adam had a mechanical and two bike changes and still managed 5th place. 

TAILWIND RAIDING #4 LOWER HURON

The Bell at Lower Huron has some issues with the Leopard Girl. Hmmm, wonder what it all means?

Tailwind's Lower Huron is one of my all-time favorite courses and races - anywhere. Last year after a night-long downpour, the course was surprisingly dry. This year ran during the day added a slick coating of mud that saw a lot of spills - and brought the mudders to the front.

Me jumping for joy that my leg grew back. Still didn't make much difference in my performance though. I still suck.

Somebody who doesn't suck, at least on a cross bike - is Chunky Dunker (aka John Osgood). Here the Chunky One kills it up Lower Huron's slippery back hill. Man did the Dunker ride his heart out, taking chances at every slippery turn and chasing down the Elites just ahead of him. Well done, Dunker!

Leopard Girl and her Bionic leg made a comeback in the Women's 3/4 and took the win. Is the the Leopard skin (real)? The Bionic leg (not real)? Or the awesome pigtails that makes her 'cross so awesome?

Here's another look at that hill. Yeah that last lip is a killer.

Almost there, guys. Hup, hup, hup.

Somebody who made that hill look easy was the Pony (aka Jeff Weinert). The Pony rode off the front of the Elite race and never looked back. Yes, when conditions get challenging the Pony can ride it. You'll notice there's no sign of the competition.

The CBX Team area. How much stuff you do you need to race cross? This much? Time for an intervention.

Leopard Girl Wins, Sarah McIntyre Second, Pam Bufe 4th. Nice race ladies, and almost perfect Podium form ...

The Men's Elite Podium. The Pony top step, Aaron Beebe 2nd, Parmachicken 3rd, Adam Big Mac McIntyre 4th. Two BISSELL's on the Podium, and only one Podium form fail ...

LANSING CX FESTIVAL

The "Hill"was the main attraction coming after a nice starting chute made the selection early.

This is the first Lansing CX race, or rather festival at this location, under a new promotion and management team. I think they should let every one now about the changes they've made. While it's on a golf course, like the old Lansing venue, it's far hillier and just a far better laid-out course. It was a lot of fun and the atmosphere was laid-back and fun - still with a lot of really competitive racing. They also had Port-Johns, so there's that, too ...

Scott Kroske was so awesome he would race ahead of everyone, jump off his bike and snap photos. Absolutely amazing!

A future Cyclocross tar from West Michigan is Claire Reeves. Here Claire is trying out a new cross bike. Claire took second in her race and then motored up north to win the next day in Traverse City.

Kelly Patterson trying to look cool while working something out after a win at the Lansing CX Festival and getting ready to try her hand at the Single Speed race later. Where's Queen Ann? If you didn't hear she reopened her knee at Lower Huron - hopes she's back soon.

You've been Gonged. One to Gong-go.

Here's something neat from Lansing CX Festival - the Gong! A nice idea, but while I had a little better ride than usual, after a crash, and a heat stroke (it was 81˚!) slipping a few positions and dropping off the back, it felt more like I was in the Gong Show, not a cross race. Good officiating and a well run race. "Give him the Gong, Chuck, he sucks!"

The Whiz is back! Great to see him chasing down the leaders.

If you get a chance to try one of Lansing CX races, at the new Waverly course, give it a try. You'll like it, hill, Gong and all.

KISSCROSS CASCADE PARK

KissCross Spectators at the top of the Pinwheel of death hill. Nobody died up there, but some chains got dropped and some beer got drunk, that's for sure.

I've hit the Cascade race two years in a row and while the course has been altered a little it's essentially the same ground and makes for a pretty good course with off-camber, a little sand, and some pavement here and there. It looked like a lot of people were there. The pin-wheel of death on the top of a little hill, right after the start, backed up traffic, and then spread the race out and it wasn't soon before the course was covered with racers. The only downside - spectators were wandering and riding across the course, and some creative sand castle work in the sand pit cause a few, but not serious, wrecks.

Adam and the Geeze coming up the sidewalk. Who are they chasing?

Probably Aaron Beebe, coming across the start finish line. 

KissCross Cascade Park Spectators. One seems interested in the action, the other could care less who won. It was a beautiful day to watch bike dorks jumping over things and crashing in the sand.

Speaking of crashing in the sand, from reports I've received this is exactly what Slayer's crash looked like in the sand when he hit a ramp built by some kids, after the A's pre-ride. Just insert Jeff's Okay, where you hear Joey. Glad to hear he's okay. See you all at Mad Anthony this weekend.

Vomit Colored Kits, The Many Faces of Kelly Patterson, and Dave Massey Gives Himself A Selfie

I'm way behind on posts - just getting to Waterford Day Two, before moving on to Chicago. From what I hear, though, I will probably drown at Lower Huron tomorrow, so this could be it. Good luck! Bring your floaty! 

VOMIT COLORED KIT PARADE AT WATERFORD

Yeah there's some color-cordination malpractice going on here. Mix in the Tron-style paint job on the bike and you've got a bile-o-thon combo on wheels. Nice job Mike Seaman! In the Vomit-Colored Kit Kategory, you are number one in our twisted coloring book.

Number two, in the Waterford Day-2 Puke colored kits kolumn was Adam McIntrye. Pink goes with ... well, pink and that's about it,big boy.

THE MANY FACES OF KELLY PATTERSON

While some people have split or multiple personalities, like several members of my family, Kelly Patterson has many faces. All of them crazy if you ask me. While I tried to ask her a few simple questions about her win on Day-2, she just made fun of me by making goofy faces. I've tried to interpret the meaning of theses faces. Let me know if I'm close.

"Yes I'm happy with my win today. I'll bet you wish you were me. Want me to tell you about my awesome sponsors?"

"I was just thinking of a heckle that would be awesome for you. If I ever saw you race. Of course never get up that early in the morning."

"Ooooooooh really? So a Nigerian Prince is holding my winnings from today? Can I borrow your Smart Phone and call him?"

IN OTHER NEWS DAVE MASSEY GIVE HIMSELF A SELFIE PODIUM INTERVIEW

Dave Massey on the podium of the Cat-3 45+ Race. He was one of the first racers he interviewed. The following is a transcript of that interview.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So, how was your race, Dave? You looked awesome out there today.

DAVE RACER: Awesome? Did you even watch what I did out there? Or were you too busy twerkin' your Mr. Microphone to take notes? I was F#$%in' super-ass wicked, my man, and by my man I mean me.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: That's great Dave, but watch the language huh, there are a lot of kids out here today ...

DAVE RACER: Better they hear it from somebody kick-ass like me instead of that guy that's been lurkin' around the van all day in the smelly skinsuit ... it's time to grow up, glue on the tubulars and get to work boys and girls. Awesomeness waits for no man ...

DAVE ANNOUNCER: So back to the race, when did you make your move? When did you decide it was 'GO-TIME'?

DAVE RACER: It was GO-TIME from the gun, good-lookin. Those guys took one look at my rig with the twin-towers of hydraulic hood awesomeness sitting on my bars, got a load of my groovin' retro side-burns and they were peein' in their bibs before we twisted a crank arm in anger. It was over before it started.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Nice. Well, great race Dave. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for your time.

DAVE RACER: Think nothing of it. My time is your time. I mean literally, my time is your time.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Sure thing. See you later, Dave.

DAVE ANNOUNCER: Like lookin' in the mirror handsome, like lookin' in the mirror ....