THE YELLOW JERSEY THAT WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME

I wear this yellow jersey everyday. It won't come off.

There's only a yellow jersey that will actually stand the test of time - jaundice caused by liver failure by one too many chemicals and drugs in the system. Actually I'm not saying that the new champ is riding dirty, and I hope against hope that in fact that he's not. I cheered him on even when he was picking on that little guy in the mountains that weighed like 75 lbs. and was riding a miniature bike (actually a size 44).

When you see this you know the TdF has officially entered the "Lab" Stage.

But now the riding is behind us and we've entered that TdF period where the cheering has died away and the waiting for the lab test to come back begins ... so to say the thrill is gone is like yeah, it is.

Louis, who's riding dirty this time?

Every wonder why it takes to so long to get TdF lab results back? Contador's meat took two years to cook, and Lance, why hell it took a turn of the century to go by to get the bottom of whatever that was. The main reason it takes so long, in my opinion is French Labs - and the fact all the work is still being done by Louis Pasteur who has been dead a long time. Nice guy, smart guy, but a French guy, and that means a different set of values, priorities and work ethic - like taking constant coffee, cigarette and sex breaks breaks with partners that are half your age plus seven.

Here's who I think should do the testing. Hell if we had this guy doing the testing we would have the cheating riders busted before they could even throw their hands over their heads at the finish line.

WHEN I DISCOVERED THE TOUR WAS REALLY OVER ...

Is the Tour over? Where's the remote? Where's my f*ckin cheeseburger?

The realization that we were in the "Lab" stage of the TdF hit me like a cold cheeseburger glued to the floor was on Monday morning when I awoke on the floor, as I always do, finished last night's meal that had "cured" on the floor like a fine tubular tire, groped around until I found the television remote, and turned on my massive flat screen, and  I was shocked to learn that the TdF was finally over with for 2013, or whatever year this is. No longer would I start my morning with Phil trying to figure out what country he was in, what year it was, and what those guys on those two-wheeled thingies were doing riding around in their underwear ... well the TdF was officially over and it was time to get on with my own riding.

Since it was Monday it was time to get back on the bike and start TTing again. I don't know if you know it, but there is a local TT that happens ever Monday night. About 1000 people do it every Monday, and finishers will often come in around midnight. I'm not saying you need lights, but better have a team car with the  brights on to lead you home ...

A new TT bike with the latest materials and an awesome-ass position. So why am I so slow?

This year I made the mistake of buying a new TT bike. It takes years to dial in a TT bike correctly and I'm thinking that by the time I get this one dialed in I will have been dead and buried for about five-years. Yeah, what the hell I was thinking ... I was going to live forever?

I experimented with some different TT bikes and positions. This one was okay, but it always felt like something was missing.

I even tried Nairo Quintana's TT bike. Something about the sizing was off ...

Finally I got the  the position "dialed" as they say at HUP United Headquarters. I used Lindsey Von as a model to achieve the correct "tuck." the only problem is that my skirt-tails keep getting caught in my rear derailleur - the  big plus are the aerodynamic pointy-pumps.

How fast. How far. What time. How much time. How do I look. How do you look. It's all right here.

This year I have also had a time and language barrier issue with the starters at the TT and have had an occasion to miss my start times for reasons I have yet to fully understand. I don't know if we're not speaking the same language, or I'm operating in a different time zone, or what - so I have pumped up the technology to try to resolve the problem. (Unfortunately, it just ain't working.) So if you're waiting to see me "slay" the Monday night TT any time soon, don't hold your breath, or that inhaler you're always huffing on before the start.

New bike. New position. Yeah, this is more like it.

So I'm giving up TTing, but not biking. I think I'll see if I can suck at Mountain Biking as much as I'm sucking at the other cycling genres. Now to get my mountain bike position "dialed." I think this it.