Crazy Bastards Cross: ELIMINATE THE CRYING, DO A CROSS CLINIC!

This was the classic, "there's no crying in baseball, cycling, and so on and so forth." It all started with Tom Hanks. Too bad it didn't stop here.

I guess this Mountain Biker didn't see a League of Their Own. He was too busy living in his Altitude Tent. Too bad it didn't pay off for him. You know crying because you won and achieved the goal of finally doing something with your miserable worthless life is bad enough, but crying because you lost, well, you just suck you freakin' loser.

Watch more video of Bay State Cyclocross 2011 on cyclingdirt.org

After seeing the Mountain Biker sobbing his ass off, I said, well at least I haven't seen any cyclocross racers crying at the finish . And then I remembered Adam Myerson's breakdown last year. Of course you can't say that Adam was weeping over the loss - it's more like he's crying over the inner-torment that's Adam Myerson. What's going on under that Lazer, yeah you wouldn't want to know, is my thought. He too much of a sport to give a fuck about "just losing," there's got to be some Myerson Angst going on. Love this guy, but glad I'm not him.

Have I ever cried over a bike race? You bet your ass and it sounded worse than this! Of course it wasn't over winning or losing, it was over having my shoulder wrenched out of the socket and the bone at the top of humorous splintered like a piece celery. Actually I didn't start crying until they tried to snooker it back in. But let me tell you, I wasn't dignified in the least.

IT'S CYCLOCROSS CLINIC & PRACTICE TIME KIDS! LETS GET HOPPING HOPING FOR A BETTER CROSS SKILLZ!

Clinic time is here, and it's time to get learning. Kim Thomas has already been out to the East Coast for her yearly Cycle-Smart Clinic with Adam Myerson, and I hear she's doing just fine.

Kim Thomas (back to the camera) at the Cycle Smart Camp a couple of weeks ago in some place called New England, listening to Adam Myerson talk about 'cross skillz and how to obtain.

Adam showing some amazing skillz riding on a extreme off-camber in the sand. Everybody is waiting for him to fall. Bastards.

Kim Thomas watches closely (on the left), and enthusiastically, as Adam pushes his mad-skillz to the limit, using the one leg-push over the f*ing sand berm technique to get out of sight before falling over.

What isn't shown in these photos of the Cycle Smart Camp (cross clinic) is the part where Myerson taught the campers how to do Pai Mei’s Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. I know how to do the Exploding Heart Technique already - I practiced it every year on the run-up at Ann Arbor's Vet's Park. If you think it would come in handy for your next cross race, here's the video. Adam put a blond wig on for this demonstration. I don't know why. While Adam says the Step-Through is dead, the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique will never die ...

But this isn't the end of cross clinic fever in 2012. There's lots more on tap, with some clinics offered by other pro's you've learned to love, and laugh at ... take for instance current cross National Champ and star of Behind the Barriers, Jeremy Powers Cyclocross Camps.

Don't worry about the date. Start looking around, there are more JPow clinics out there.

It seems, lately you can't swing a dead cat or a flat tubular around your head without hitting a cyclocross clinic. J-Pow (Jeremy Powers, National Champion, to you) is hosting a number of clinics. In an interview I just did with J-Pow (Jeremy Powers, National Champion, to you), J-Pow said they will be working with people on course, at races, showing the lines and techniques he'll be using to kick everybody's ass. If you want to see a national list, of the top cross clinics today, just go here for a complete listing provided by Cyclocross Magazine, online.

Here's that crazy bunny-hopping J-Pow, showing off at his clinic. Take a look. If I do the clinic can I ride like him? Hell no ... but it's a nice thought.

Here in Michigan there are a few cross clinics to choose from. My favorite, one I do every year just to see if there are any tips to pass on to those entering the sport in our own backyard, is the clinic put on by the good folks at Kinetic Systems, and Tailwind Enterprises, the people that put on those great races all season long on the east side. Let's face it, that's where all the experience is - if you want to learn how to do it right, or at least get started, these are the people to need to listen to.

Need more info or want to talk to somebody directly? Try visiting this site for a start. Looks like this is just around the corner, so make plans now!

Well even closer to home, you can also get some help if your 'cross skillz are suffering. I saw this one, but don't have a lot of information. Call Velo City for more info.

I'm not sure about the "carry" being show above in this clinic flyer, but I don't have a lot of room to talk about technique, as you'll soon see ...

If you want to get really close to home, and see how it's done right here in West Michigan, well let's take a look at what you can learn.

This beautiful photo project by Julie McGraw shows us the classic "Farmer" dismount, carry, and rip through the tape technique of Nate Versluis. Think this is a one off incident? Nope, I've seen Nate do this a few times. I love how his family is calmly watching and pretending they aren't scared to death and ready to jump out of the way.

I've even fashioned some of my own "dismount and carry" techniques by watching the "Farmer-Way" one too many times, apparently. Here's a taste of 'cross style gone-wrong:

This is for the Not-The-F*ing-Way-To-Do-It file. Actually I was counting the spokes, wondering if I had the 32-spoke wheel instead of the 24-spoke wheels, and if those 8 extra spokes were the reason I was going so slow. Actually here is where Nate and I learned the one-handed platter carry.

Now that's style. Just pretend the platter is a cross bike, the chair is the barrier, and the skates are carbon fiber cycling shoes.

For our next Crazy Bastard practice on Wednesday we're going to throw in a new twist. It's our version of the the step-through dismount.

Yeah, that's how the step-through ends. Thanks again for the demonstration, Stephanie Stepthrough, we love you, we really do.

This week we are going to be working on remounts, which will be coached by Ruff The Remount Dog. Here's Ruff is showing you the "I'm Really Tired Remount Technique." I think I'll be using a lot of this.

So that's all for clinics and practices for right now - though I might go out for a little practice this evening since I have turned my TT bike into a pile of parts for the cross season. But remember this ...

If you're wondering where the Step-Through went when it died, here's a clue, brought to you by one of our favorite cyclists on dirt, Sweet William. Will, show us where it's at, will 'ya? Yeah, it's right down in the basement - and Will, I don't want to go down there ...