DOWN THE DRAIN TRAINING AND HOW TO GET YOUR CLASSICS ON WITH STYLE

Yeah, that's me. You race in skinsuit? You must be ... oh, you're f*ing, kidding, right?

It will be a while before I'll be doing any racing in a skinsuit, unless I can get the XL back. Right now this is the kind of shape I've been in. I can't even wear my slick team kit anymore. Here's the only thing that fits.

Yeah I think the pink and light blue is me, don't you? It's a 'classics' look don't you know. Grand Fondo, as in Super-Size Grando-Funko.

Here are my new training mates. Think we're taking the retro classics thing too far? Or not far enough? Love the shades. 

In an attempt to go totally classic, I've also sewn up some new drapes for the Crazy Bastard Cave. Nothing like looking up to some "Truth Through Suffering" hanging on the wall while you're eating Pizza and watching the Biggest Loser.

To get the true, skinny-ass-original classics look, you've got to look like this guys (above). Right now, here in West Michigan, there's only one guy I know that's got it. (Below).

That's right, it's Etho Bastard. Hey, Jurrien, where's the white Skinsuit dude? You race in it, don't you?

THE GRAND PRIX OF ITHACA RETURNS! IS IT CROSS SEASON YET?

Register for the GP of ITHACA now and you order one of these shirts now. You should be able to pretty much ruin with beer stains and chain grease by race time in early September.

One of our all-time favorite cross races anywhere, anytime, is back. After taking a breather for a couple of years (I understand, I have to take a breather of about six-months or so after climbing a set of stairs) JB Hancock, Cyclocross Course Designer Guru, is back and badder than ever with the 2012 addition of the ITHACA GRAND PRIX OF CYCLOCROSS!!!! I believe that this will also be a part of the Stomach of Anger Cross Series that was such a big hit last year. Make sure you check out Stomach of Anger, too.

If you haven't done the ITHACA GP before, you have to make this one. The drive is easy, doesn't take that long, and the course, the swag, the entertainment are all freakin' top-notch and beyond. The first year this race kicked off with a live band playing in the middle of the course. Let's hope that JB brings that one back.

We're planning a Crazy Bastard caravan of tents, biking crap, grilling crap, sofa and chairs crap, hot-tub crap, heckle-horn crap, and all the stupid stuff and crap that makes for great cross race experience. Big Mac has even built a giant trailer for hauling all of his crap. It's Craptacular!

JB has also put together a video reviewing the history of the race. If you attended any of the races from 2007 to 2009, you might see yourself in it. At least you'll see Slayer a few times, for whatever that's worth. Anyway, the race is Saturday, September 8, 2012, at Woodland City Park in downtown Ithaca, so mark your calendar now AND BE THERE! You can even register now by going here, today.

CRAZY BASTARD BLOG-CATION ENDS!

While a few of our team couldn't make the team training camp in Northern Michigan this weekend, some of us had their own Private Idaho (or in this case Private Nevada) team camp in someplace called Las Vegas. The amazing thing is that one team member was able to have a complete team training ride by himself! In this photo Big Mac (Adam McIntyre) has duplicated himself several times and is riding both for an against himself in a strung out line. That's right, he's trying to drop himself! I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to pop me off the back. That's right I suck my own wheel.

Sorry about the lengthy and unannounced blogcation. A number of issues have kept me away from the keyboard in the Crazy Bastard Cave, but I have returned (big deal, huh?) and have many folders filled with useless and meaningless stories about cycling that I'll be passing along shortly. Hope your riding has been rewarding and safe of late - and congratulations to the Fisk Knob Time Trial for finally having weather that didn't completely suck.

IT'S CLASSIC'S TIME! CRASHES, CRACKED CLAVICLES AND GIRLS GONE CRAZY

Nothing says Spring Classics to me like broken bones and a saucy Belgian Gal licking the road grime and horse poop from the cobbles off her face. I can also see where she got her 15% off.

Ouch! That looks like it hurts, ladies. This is more than 15% off, it looks like the 99% of the break. While this looks like a cycling accident it's actually a scene from the Women's NCAA final four action between UCONN and ND.

It's been awhile since the last blog - a heavy workload and family duties have kept me away from making a fool of myself and the local cycling scene, and for that I truly apologize. If anybody cares, which I'm sure they don't. I have been so busy that I haven't had time to even run out a report on last weekend's Lowell 50 which sounded like a total hoot. Congratulations to Crazy Bastards and Crazy Bastard fellow-travelers, for their fine showing on the gravel. Hat's off to Big Mac (Adam McIntyre) and Flying Bats (Craig Rawling) for their podium finishes. Also we're heard that Julie Boonen was a winner, as was her brother in this last weekend's Classic in some place called Flanders.

Sad to report that Big Mac's hero, Fab, or Spartacus as everyone like to call Fabian C, broke a collarbone in the race this weekend. The only good part was that it allowed Julie Boonen's brother to win.

When it came to racing I was totally out of it this weekend, as I said, being sequestered at the family compound which I like to call my own Little Shop of Horrors or Dome of Terror. For those of you who haven't visited the place where I was born and raised, here's pretty much what it looks like today.

As you can see with all those people hanging over the dome to watch "Two Men Enter One Man Leaves" action, access to the "internets" is pretty tough. I had to follow it on Twitter, and brief text messages from Big Mac. 

Here's a better shot of the place during the day. Fewer people, I guess they're out gathering broken clavicles. But the internets reception still sucks.

This is what I was envisioning as I listened to the reports from that place called Flanders. When I heard that Pozzato, the "Shadow" had locked himself onto Julie Boonen's brother's wheel I was thinking it was going to end up like this. I really love pro cycling, don't you? Good thing Tom won, or the Belgies would have done more than flip the Shadow off.

Okay, here's something I do like about pro cycling, and Spring Classics. Weird, naked people on the side of the road. You gives you that great "hey did you see that shit?" moment that's always so lacking in day-to-day life.

While the above photo (a recent shot from another "Spring Has Sprung Classic") may be a tad inappropriate, at least  it's far more comforting than the crash photo we kicked the blog off with with a pile of women racers all  tangled up in some kind of game of Twister with bicycles. As I also alluded to at the opening of today's show, was a women's NCAA basketball game this weekend which resembled a mix of cage fighting, hockey, and something that looked a lot like this, which made me feel right at "home," and back at the "Dome."

Ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along? Okay, hell no? Who wants the chainsaw then?

All I can to this new generation of super-competitive and competitive females is "quit being haters and just put on crazy outfits and go riding, not crashing."

Or just spend some quality time organizing your bike stuff. I love the sunglasses assortment. This young lady has her priorities in order: helmets, glasses, shoes, a drawer full of bib shorts, and wheels.

If you're not a roadie, then just get out there and give your mountain bike some stick. I can't tell, is this Julie Boonen?

Another Spring Classic: Leather (Plastic-Pleather) boots, jacket and fall-way top, and lots and lots of carbon. Looks like she dropped her whip somewhere. She's saying: "this comes in carbon. I mean it comes in carbon."

With all that saddle time this spring, ladies, you'll be ready to ride like little Red Riding Hood here and splash away on your mountain bike through the woods, and on to grandmother's house. I feel bad for the Big Bad Wolf if he catches her. I also hope that this wasn't painted at Luton, because it looks wet and I'll bet they're are leaving some ruts.