A RIDE SO EPIC IT WASN'T EPIC

The last ride of August and here are some of the Bastards and Bastardettes waiting for Kim Lee aka Bruce Lee aka the Green Hornet aka Late for The Fucking Ride Bastard. It was nice and warm, so nobody cared that he was late.

Once we got rolling we soon discovered that it was the perfect night for a ride. Warm, but not too hot, no humidity, no cars, just a gorgeous night to be out on the bike. It was so beautiful that Lee decided not to use his hands all night long and rode like this for 30 miles. Well we rounded up slightly, but yeah, 30 miles, no hands, totally epic.

Except for some beer drinking photos, which you'll see later on, here's the only good pick of Mr. Kim Lee riding his trusty Blue Bianchi. I kept screaming at him for the first 10 miles to shift the damn thing until I discovered he was riding a single speed. Hey, bring an extra gear next time, okay?

Here's BK Dave partaking in the Epic Ride of the Summer. I think he's enjoying it. Yeah, he is. While the ride was "Epic" in its enjoyability, it was "Non-Epic" in the fact that nothing dramatic happened - we weren't attacked by bears, cougars (not until we stopped at THE SCORE later on, anyway) there were no mechanicals, flats, crashes, exploding meth labs, burning cars, lost kittens or even homicidal ChihuahuaS. We didn't ride a hundred miles. Nobody died of dehydration or bonked. Just a nice night for a ride. Epic, you know, but not Epic.

Here's Ethiopian Bastard and he's really enjoying the ride. Can't you tell? I just wonder what HUP UNITED is going to fine him for riding out of uniform.

Here's what happens when you're enjoying yourself too much on an Epic/Non-Epic ride. One minute you're rolling along, whistling a merry tune ...

... and the next minute everybody is up the road and your ass is dropped.

Luckily, I was able to catch back on. If by catch back on you mean I got back to the parking lot before these bastards drank all the beer. Big thanks to Lee and BK for bringing extra beers. They were Epically Delicious, fellas.

While Jurrien, aka Ethiopian Bastard will be waiting for his HUP fine to arrive in the mail, Heather K will no doubt be receiving her own fine or suspension for drinking a recovery drink not recommend by her coach, trainer, or team. I'm guessing it's going to be a pretty heavy fine as she's drinking Bud Light. Although Bud Light is kinda a fine in itself isn't it?

I think this would be a good time to open the floor to the peanut gallery and ask for submissions in regard to giving Heather K a Crazy Bastard name. We've only got a week to give her a proper Bastard name or there will be fines, suspensions and, oh hell forget it ... just come up with some names will ya?

My first submission: Killer Kubiak

But that's just a start ...

TUESDAY NIGHT DIRT ROAD RIDE

Remember these rides? Snow. Ice. Cold fingers. Frozen toes. I don't think it's going to cool off this much tonight. Actually I don't think it's going to cool off at all ... so I think I'll go for a little ride in the country tonight and have a beer later. Hey it's the last day of August, so why not? Still don't think we'll need lights for awhile. See you there. We'll roll at 6.

FIRST CROSS RACE 2010

Got this one ready, glued new tires, and left it in the car.

Just a short report, with lots of photos of a bike I didn't use this weekend, just for your cross viewing pleasure. Traverse City was the center of the Michigan Cycling Universe this weekend with Single-Speed festivals, Street Sprints, Crits, Road Races, and yes, even a Cyclocross Race!

Am I going to be sorry for using a carbon bar again this year?

The race was put on by the good folks of Twin Bays Cyclocross, and while the draw wasn't as good as they would have liked (due to all the other events during the weekend), I have to say that the course was absolutely first rate and these people know how to rock a dynamite cross course. The course was next to a beer festival (we were supposed to ride through it but that got nixed just prior to the race) and twisted around the grounds of the old State Hospital just west of downtown. Totally taped, with a wide variety of surfaces including pavement, gravel, grass, sand, a great layout of turns, stairs, a ride through a building, a sand berm, and a fast blast through through the woods, this thing was a total gas - a rival for some of the Tailwind courses and better than anything you'll race locally.

Yeah I didn't turn this one in anger this past weekend, but I did do some testing on gear ratios. I was changing chainrings as soon as I got home.

It's always great to get the first race out of the way. I usually suck at the first one and last one of the year, so I was anxious to get this one in the books. Plus there were a few things I wanted to test - and a first practice race is the place to test your gear under fire.

Is there anything prettier than fresh tubular cross tires? I must be crazy, 'cause yeah ...

Anyway, my results weren't too bad, and I was turning the cranks, and it was a lot of fun. Man it's so good to have the season rolling! Met up with some 'cross fantatics from the Chicago series and they invited us down to some of their races, which have become absolutely huge. Hope we can make one of them this year.

Didn't sit here this weekend. Rethinking this seat already.

Anyway, hats off to the Twin Bays Cyclocross folks for a great start to the season. They made one beautiful rocking course, all they need to do now is refine their promotions, get the right dates, plus nail few other details down, and I can see some weekends of racing in Traverse City are on the way.

Tailwind Schedule

2010 TAILWIND CX RACE SCHEDULE:

SEPT 18 MICHIGAN DOUBLE CROSS-1 WATERFORD HILLS TRACK
SEPT 19 MICHIGAN DOUBLE CROSS-2 WATERFORD HILLS TRACK
OCT 2 MUNSON PARK NIGHT CX MONROE, MI
OCT 17 BYRAM PARK CX (Tentative Location) LINDEN, MI
OCT 30 VETERANS PARK CX-1 ANN ARBOR, MI
OCT 31 VETERANS PARK CX-2 (Halloween Race) ANN ARBOR, MI
NOV 14 STONY CREEK CX SHELBY TWP, MI
NOV 21 BLOOMER PARK CX ROCHESTER HILLS, MI
DEC 5 SPRINGFIELD OAKS CX (State Championship) DAVISBURG, MI

Sunshine & Lollipop Thursday....Lets Ride!

I'm introducing Fluff the Magic Kitten. He's around to take your minds off all the vicious Kujo the Killer Chihuahua talk that's going on. He brings peace and happiness to all that are around him. He's some type of Zen Bhuddist kitten who is trained in the art and mystique of meditation by monks from the far east. By the looks of it that cool cat in the basket can probably contort himself into 87 different yoga positions. He may be just the mellow feline we need to take on Kujo on the north end.

Fluff is definately a cool cat. He digs this stuff as well:



While Fluff may tip a few back, he can't buy the stuff. He's 21 in cat years, but his drivers license shows him at 3.5. I'm buying though. Maybe not enough for everyone, but enough to pay back what I've "borrowed." I've been leaning on my fellow bastards for post ride drinks and need to share the wealth. Not sure what I'll bring, but it will probably be cheap and tan in color:



Yikes! I'm talkin' beer bastards. It'll be beer.

Anyway, that's enough gettin' away from what's really important. Things are in place for a good ride Thursday. Looks like I have 4 or 5 guys already rigged up to go...even a couple newbs to break in. Would be nice to see some other bastards start to make a return as well. Where's Tony? Where's the West Coast Bastards? Hupsters? Get those CX bikes ready to roll! Rise and shine boys, same bat place, same bat time (check the clock):



Even though it's only Wednesday, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

TUESDAY NIGHT DIRT ROAD RIDE

I'm looking forward to riding some nice quiet dirt roads and country lanes tonight. It's quiet, refreshing, and certainly a good workout.

Even a Killer Chihuahua or a mutt like this cute little fella here really can't put a damper on a nice evenings ride in the country. In fact riding my bike, in the country, almost makes me feel like singing. I've found, too, that I'm not the only one that feels that way. In fact there is a lot of evidence to prove that other people like singing about dirt roads.

In some cases country singers even sing about dirt roads. These dirt roads would appear to be red and in the country as well.

On the other hand some musicians seem to get the blues when considering riding down dirt roads. But I'm assuming that while the character riding the mule has the blues, the musician pictured in the little oval on the album cover seems quite pleased to be singing about dirt roads.

Today we even have modern-era musicians that consider dirt roads as inspiration for their craft. I wonder where in Los Angeles they found this dirt road? But I'm just guessing here. If anybody owns this album please let me know what it is all about, please. I'm just assuming that it's hip, but I could be wrong. Very wrong.
There's also nude road and dirt road running albums. If we run into this group tonight I hope the people will be fit and attractive.

Planning on rolling at 6, myself. But if there is another group of nude, country, blues, or country road riders out there ready to hit the dirt roads, I can't tell you.

RETURN OF THE KILLER CHIHUAHUA

Sorry about the delay in posts, but it has been a busy week and weekend. After a lot of hard work on the Tour de Gaslight Michigan State Championship race, which was an astounding success, and achieving another forgettable personal performance in the race itself, I am now about to sit down and provide a report of last Thursday night's Bastards ride. Which is a good thing, I guess, because by the time we ride tomorrow it will be too late for a Thursday Night post. Actually it's too late now, but so what? I'm waiting for a call and I've got 10 minutes to kill.  

He's Back!

Speaking of kill and killers, our friend the Killer Chihuahua was back and hungry for more Leg-o-Bastard on Thursday night. It was beautiful night for a ride with JZ Bastard (aka Redline Bastard) Slayer Bastard (aka Haney Bastard), an old friend, but new face on the Bastard ride, from the Founder's Team, Scott, and your humble narrator. All was fine and good until we reached Killer's section of the road, or the "Killer's House." I had an eye peeled for him, and sure enough as I rode the curve around his "lair" I spotted the flash of nasty Chihuahua Hide under the brush. At this moment, Scott, who has never been attacked by a killer Chihuahua before, and never saw him coming, thought it would be the perfect moment to "pounce" on me and take over the lead, as we had been dishing out a few "Mike's Cold Hard Blasts" on this particularly fun and racy stretch of road. Well as I saw Scott come around, I thought, well, he's all yours big boy. And he was.

In a flash Killer was all over Scott,  and Scott, to his credit, was yelling the same thing we all yell at Killer which is a combination of profanity, speaking in tongues, and Wookie. I'd reprint it here but there just aren't the keys on the keyboard to do it.

Any-whatever, I found a photo that pretty well shows what the attack of the Killer Chihuahua on Scott looked like.

Nice Chainring. Is that 46 or 48? I'm having trouble counting all the teeth.

How can a small Chihuahua look like a Great White Shark? Come along for a ride some Tuesday or Thursday night and see for yourself.

THURSDAY NIGHT RIDE OR PRACTICE?

I'm leaning heavily toward riding tonight, on something that has wheels that look a lot like the one pictured above. The other option is practicing somewhere. Anybody up for a Townsend ride tonight? Weather looks good. Post up and let me know. I think I'll be there around 6.

Tuesday Night Dirt Ride

Time to but the road stuff away and keep hitting the dirt bastards.

Just what the title says. 6pm go time. Post up or call if you'll be "reasonably" late. We'll wait up for a little bit....

Double Cross Race and Bee Stings

Here's a good one if you like classic cyclocross racing. You'll notice that the flyer has a classic cyclocross feel to it, so you know it's a classic. The venue is a race track, pretty much like Grattan, with a flyover (Orange Crush), gullies, dirt, gravel, grass, a little-but-not-much climbing, and big-wide-long-ass stretches of smooth pavement. There are also a crap load of bees in some parts of the parking lot as I remember. One of them flew all the way over to the Game Area in Cannonsburg last night and stung the shit out of me. The bastard. I hope he died from biting me. Yeah, my blood is toxic to insects. I'm thinking of bottling it and selling it to kill bees everywhere, because I hate bees. Especially that f-cker that bit me. It bet it works better than all that crap I bought at Menard's last year.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER CHIHUAHUAS!

While it was a new perfect night for riding (for the small group of Bastards, Doez, CD and myself that made it) it was apparent right from the roll-out that the route was being guarded by an organized gang of Chihuahuas, or at least a bunch of nasty little dogs that looked like Chihuahuas.

While they may be easy to out-sprint, and would probably never be able to win a sprint finish in the B's at Grattan (I'm figuring maybe a few top tens and then moved up to As after a month) their attack is like a small road side bomb going off that's loaded with bristling sharp teeth and powered by a whole load of bad attitude.

Our favorite Killer Chihuahua, up on 13 mile, was actually hiding in the ditch, waiting for us. My guess is he was alerted via the Chihuahuanet by other members of his gang that had chased us just a few miles before. (One little monster actually sprinted after us so hard he spun out and crashed!)

When the 13 Mile Killer Chihuahua exploded out of his hidy-hole, it looked like the D0g Sprint scene from American Flyers when Kevin Costner sets his brother up with a Pit Bull on a training ride - everybody goes sprinting full-out to escape being mauled to death. Only instead of a Pit Bull, it was a snarling little beast with no legs.

The 13 Mile Killer took his bloody turns attacking our group, going after all three of us, one at a time. I tried to run him down as he went for CDs calf, only to have the little bastard turn on me and start chasing me up the road! Some nerve.

If you think that Killer Chihuahua attacks are funny, just take a look at this little news clip:

• FREMONT, Calif. (AP) — A pack of angry Chihuahuas attacked a police officer who was escorting a teenager home after a traffic stop, authorities said.

Read more: http://blogs.kansascity.com/crime_scene/2005/12/another_vicious.html#ixzz0wUyPcNXV

But are Chihuahuas really inherently evil beasts? Are they really the doggy world's new "Chihuahaunagans?" No I don't think so. Like any dog it's the owner that makes it a good or a bad dog. After returning to to the lot and having a few beers with Doez, and CD, and a surprise visit from Flying Bats with a cooler full of some really GOOD beer, I drove back to find out who was be behind the NIGHT OF THE KILLER CHIHUAHUAS!

Just as I thought, it was an evil, evil, twisted an screwed up mind.

The camera doesn't lie, boys and girls - and no it was the meth-lab guy, but close ...

Maybe she was just pissed at the world because the Belding Walgreens was out of Valtrex and sent those dogs after us to get her itchy revenge. I don't know what her reasoning was, but I'm de-friending her on Face Book today.

THURSDAY NIGHT RIDE

Yeah, somebody's up the road. I can tell by all the dust they're kicking up on the horizon. Nice attack you idiots put in while the rest of us were drinking and eating bananas at that stop sign where the horse trailer almost hit you as you crossed the road. Nice move jerk faces. So who's chasing them down? Not me. Screw that. This is a recovery night. It's always a recovery night when I've got to do some hard work. Besides I think we should turn right here. See you guys up the road. You suck.

Okay there's a ride on for tonight with some of the stars of the Holland Bastard Gang joining us. What people (people meaning me) like about these guys best is that they drink better beer, and bring there own, which you can't always say about the Bastards around here. Let's face it, we drink shitty beer and are a bunch of spongers. But that's what I love about you guys. Really.

Kick off, roll-out, start-time, let's fucking get going 54321, will be around 6, but if you're late we'll wait for a reasonable amount of time. What reasonable is I can't tell you. But if you get there and we're gone you were unreasonably late.

Don't expect me be killing it tonight as my legs are pretty tired after another dissapointing effort at Grattan last night. While I should be resting in my altitude tent for recovery, I think it is important to start riding the cross bike and getting used to the bite of some dirt because before long that gravel is going to turn into this ...

If you can't see it, that crap is gooey black mud and it sucked the heart and soul out of me last year. Yeah it really hurt. I'm the guy with the red kit on. This photo was taken just a moment before I popped like a kid's balloon. If you don't want this to happen to you maybe you should hose the crap off your crosser and get your ass out here.

Dirty Tuesday

Same bat place....go time 6pm. Post up if you need to roll later then that and we'll wait up.

Maybe a brew in the lot after the fact???

Just around the corner.....

DIRT RIDE TONIGHT?

I'm hoping to make it out for a nice friendly ride on my crosser tonight but I have some bike team obligations I have to deal with that might take me out of action. I am fairly certain a Bastard Ride can go on quite successfully without me (probably more successfully, but I don't like to think about that).  If I do make it, I might be a little late. If you don't want to wait, I promise not to let all the air out of your car/van/truck tires in the parking lot. I'll try and get to Peter Townsend Park as close to 6 as possible and be there before a 6:30 start. Yummm, I can smell the cow-poo up the road already. 

Anyone else going, please post and let the rest of the peeps know.

CROSS, CHICAGO STYLE

2009 Chicago Cyclocross Cup from Heather Jurewicz on Vimeo.