MICHIGAN HILLBILLY TRUCK ALERT!

I was only back on Michigan roads for a matter of minutes before the first homocidal-minded hillbilly truck driver try to cut my riding season short by passing me on a downhill, swinging onto the shoulder to the right and then pulling left across both lanes with not only a truck, but a trailer to boot. As I locked both wheels up, slithering down the road, all I could say was: OO-LA-LA!l I guess that the truck driver must have thought this some kind of Sarkozian-cuss because he promptly told me as we passed each other, now going in opposite directions: "Use your f*&ing breaks (I imagine he didn't know the proper spelling of brakes) or get the f*&k off the road."

No, I don't think it was Joe Biden, or Jed Clampet, or even Jethro behind the wheel - just the usual Michigan White Trash Truck Driving Idiot (WTTDI) out to bag them one of them a dang queer looking biker's dressed up like a dang ballerina.

Other than that it was a beautiful night of riding with the team, rolling along listening to everyone tell you how fat and out of shape they are. I always love that! You know the season is well on the way when you hear "gee I haven't been on a bike since 1997," as they check their wattage output on their power meter. Glad to say there were no further bike-hillbilly truck incidents to report. Beautiful ride, really.

So while I'd like to relocate to another State, that's still officially considered a member of the Union (States with ratings lower than 48 are on double probation and aren't really U.S. sanctioned), and call in an air-strike on our once beautiful peninsula and put it out of its misery, I guess I'll just keep taking my chances out there until my ship comes in - or sinks completely.

A warning to the rest of you Bastards - be extra careful if you see this truck (below) coming at you! Word is it only turns to the left, has no BREAKS and the driver is convinced that his prize goat was scared by biker which turned its dang milk sour for a month.

One last note: anyone want to get in some dirt road rides for fun? Maybe once a month? I'm also thinking we should have at least one more ride and a Crazy Bastard meeting at the HC to plan what course of action, or hell, maybe inaction, we're taking next season. Maybe even an awards dinner - we can have awards like "Guy Most Likely to Sell Me His Sweet Bianchi SS real cheap. The envelope please .... the winner: Mister KIM LEE!"

BAD TANS, NICE TEMPS, AND GEEZER DRIVERS

So while you Bastards are making your last minute preparation for the Barry Roubaix, wondering whether to wear full-length leg and arm warmers, or a double coating of super-hot embrocation, or not, I'm working on an early season biker/farmer tan on the roads of Florida, along the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. While it hasn't been tropically hot here, it has been warm enough for just shorts sleeves and shirts. The only thing you really need to put on is plenty of SPF 30. The only other minor concern: seasoned citizens in their run-away Escalades. Think of them a One Ton Plus Free Range Chickens - without heads. If I survive, it will be a great start to the 2010 Road season.

Best of luck to all of on your upcoming race. Sorry I can't be there ... yeah right.

WELCOME BACK ROADIE!

Well it's that time of year again. The time when we begin leaving the shelter of our dark, yet friendly gravel roads and head back onto the unforgiving and harsh world of pavement. This weekend was the first time back on the road for me, and let me tell you it wasn't long before people were letting me know just how much they missed me, along with what they really think about "sharing the road" (hey it's not like I'm taking that much of it people!). Riding down Grand River with a few Bissell guys, a truck goes by with the passenger, a woman, her middle finger firmly pressed against the window. Her husband, behind the wheel, dressed in a chicken suit, was doing the same, I imagine.
Not only were humans hating on cyclists this weekend, so were the animals. I had never seen simian on the loose in Grand Rapids before, but there was one - flipping me off as I rode by him. It's some kind of monkey, or the mayor, I don't know which. I just know they both hate bicyclists.

The final insult was when children in East GR started piling on. Here's some kid outside of Jersey Junction letting me know what he thinks of road riders.

The score so far - three close calls, one near fist fight, and a basket full of middle fingers and car horns. Nasty looks don't count. I get those whether I'm on a bike or not.

MUDDY WATERS AND DIRTY MARTINIS

Classic Bastard ride last night with Tony, Patrick, Russ aka Mavric's Dad, and myself. Rolled for over two hours, sometimes grinding it out in six-inch deep mud. We covered a lot of ground and despite the mud it was one sweet ride. I had rolled out a little early (two hours!) and discovered in my pre-ride that some some roads were not only of the Dirty Martini variety, but in some cases were Deep-ass Mud Martini variety.

In some spots, even at the top of the big loop above 13 mile the road, the surface was covered with puddles, filled with, you guessed it, Muddy Waters. I have seen Muddy Waters in concert, albeit through a dense acid haze, and I have ridden through a lot of muddy water, and let me tell you Muddy's guitar riffs were a lot more fun. Especially being that high.

If any of you aren't familiar with Muddy Waters work, may I suggest one of his greatest albums, Electric Mud. Thank goodness there was no Electric Mud on the road last night - if there had been Mavric would be an orphan today, and there would be no overlong and boring post to read today. Unless Werdy posted something.

Patrick and I were the only members of our small group that made it back to the HC for beers and Delicious Deep Fried Asian Carp. The waitress (The famous Dirty Martini pictured above) alerted us to the fact that the "OTHER RIDE" members, 25 in total! had been in the bar for two hours prior to our mud-caked arrival. Seems they put in something like 10 miles on dry pavement with mountain bikes before retiring to the bar to show off their clean, tight fitting biker-type jerseys. Nice going boys!

Now it's off to the car wash (Tony brought his washer, showoff) and get ready for Thursday's ride. This rain really oughta help, huh.

MUD MARTINI: WET OR DRY?

I'm told there are a couple of ways that you can have your martini - just like you can have your dirt road ride. The basic choices in the classic martini, pictured above, are wet or dry – which may also be the same choices we get, like it or not, in the road conditions encountered tonight. (Anybody riding by the way?)
In addition to having a choice of wet or dry roads or drinks you also get a choice of females with your martini - much in the same we've been getting a choice of girl-on-girl sports along our Bastard routes of late. Here's something classic pictured above that's neither mud-wrestler or soccer.

Or maybe we'll get a cartoon girl in our martini-ride. This represents riding with mountain bikers, I guess.

Of course we could also get a load of slop right in our faces which is what I'm thinking might be waiting on the other side of the proverbial olive.

Or if the wind and warm temperatures continue, it could be dry and fast mud. That's kind of like getting Grey Goose at Arrow Vodka prices.
Dry roads would also be like being handed a sweet and curvy Appletini! It would taste great going down, and taste simply awful coming up! (Fun but not a great work-out.)

Or you you could end up with something like Kahuna and Dave did the other night - that's when you leave your cell phone in your martini when you really need it with you on the ride to call your wife to come get you 'cause your freewheel died.

Finally, and the most unfortunate ride and martini of all is the dirty martini, represented above. I guess this is what you would get if you mix all the varieties of ride conditions and martinis together and drink them all down at once. I'm guessing this (above) and a dirty bike is what you'll wake up with Wednesday morning ...

Kisscross & Tailwind

FYI

Dates are posted for each. No alternating weekends for these two series. Everything but the first and last Kisscross race is on the same weekend as a Tailwind race.

KISSCROSS #1 CYCLOCROSS 9/10/2010
KISSCROSS #2 CYCLOCROSS 9/11/2010
KISSCROSS #3 CYCLOCROSS 9/19/2010
KISSCROSS #4 CYCLOCROSS 10/3/2010
KISSCROSS #5 CYCLOCROSS 10/17/2010
KISSCROSS #6 CYCLOCROSS 10/31/2010
KISSCROSS #7 CYCLOCROSS 11/14/2010
KISSCROSS #8 CYCLOCROSS 11/28/2010

Tailwind:
Sept 18 Michigan Double Cross - 1, Waterford, MI (+FLYOVER!) USAC CX-1
Sept 19 Michigan Double Cross - 2, Waterford, MI (+FLYOVER!) USAC CX-2
Oct 02 (Sat) Munson Park, Monroe, MI A NIGHT-TIME ‘CROSS RACE! CX-3
Oct 17 TBD, MI USAC CX-4
Oct 30 (Sat) Veterans Park-1, Ann Arbor, MI USAC CX-5
Oct 31 Veterans Park-2, Ann Arbor, MI USAC CX-6
Nov 14 TBD, MI USAC CX-7
Nov 21 TBD, MI USAC CX-8
Dec 05 Springfield Oaks, Davisburg, MI MI State Champ. CX USAC CX-9

Barry-Roubaix

I am looking to do a pre-ride of the Barry-Roubaix course. Is anyone interested?

THURSDAY NIGHT MUD REPORT

The mud last night wasn't that bad. Deep in spots, gooey and slow going at times, it wasn't the splatter-fest that had been expected. Best of all ice is almost gone! It was a small group composed of Redline AKA Jeff Z, CD, AKA ICEMAN, and myself, Surly AKA Rauol the Cabana Boy. Redline made it at the last minute after negotiating with his wife about bike and clothes washing. I'm not really privy to the details, anyway he made it.

For those of you that were worried that you might miss female mud-wrestling on last night's ride, don't feel bad. There were no women mud-wrestling at Ashley and 7 mile. However, we did find a full-on all-female mud-soccer game going on at the intersection of 7 mile and Corrigan. Imagine that!

I had my camera, and thanks to the later sunset I was able to get a few nice shots of the action I'd like to share with you- since you weren't there.

As you can see the girls were really into. They must have been playing pretty hard to stay warm with just those little uniforms on is all I've got to say.

Crazy action, huh? They were really going for it! CD, Jeff, and myself were mesmerized by their mad-skilz - plus slipping and sliding in that mud was pretty cool, too. Pass the flask dude.

Finally, as you can see below, the girls were just too pooped to play anymore. So we put our kick-stands up/down and continued on our way. Back at the HC, Mrs. Redline joined us for some delicious Deep Fried Asian Carp. My only injury from the night was a bruised shin from Redline kicking me under the table. Every time I started to mention bike and bike clothes washing he kicked me. Like a girl. Bastard.

THURSDAY NIGHT MUD-O-RAMA?

It has bee brought to my attention that tonight's ride could be a muddy one by none other than CD, AKA, ICEMAN. Well, you never know what you'll find on the roads, but if there is a lot of mud one can only hope that you will find women on the road wrestling in it. Finding female mud-wrestling going on at say the intersection of Ashley and 7 mile would be a great break in the ride. Time to take a drink and rest before continuing on for more mud-riding fun. Of course while mud-wrestling is so much fun to watch, sometimes riding in it for mile after mile isn't so much fun. Like the mud-wrestlers you get all covered in the stuff, but without the joy that goes along with the slippery wrestling part. While everyone knows that I am not a fan of fenders, this might be the night to break them out. If you'd like to stay with the mud-wrestling theme - and who doesn't - may I suggest a pair of these:

For my own ride though, I may just slap on a set of these bad boys:

I wonder if I could put these on my road bike for the Grattan races this year?

Tuesday Night Ride

Anyone heading out tonight?