SNOW CROSS AND NO CROSS FASHIONS

I hope to see all of you at tomorrow Versluis Snowcross. It should be an exciting, as well as chilling event, as always! You can bet that the beer will be cold. So be there! Gun goes off at around noon. Check the Farm Team Racing Blog for complete details.

Unlike the cyclist in the above video I planning to be wearing almost all the cycling gear and clothing that I own. However, I do appreciate the style that's being rocked here, and think that I may incorporate some of these "cycling fashion statements" in the next Crazy Bastard uniform (if there ever is one!) The thought of JZ wearing a plastic skirt boggles the mind. Also, being plastic he won't have to wash it! Thanks to one of my favorite photographers, Andrea Tucker for posting this Copenhagen Cycling Chic-esque video bundle of joy on FB!

For those of you who don't know or don't care, I have an article in this month's CYCLOCROSS MAGAZINE. Velo City in Holland has these lovely magazines for sale, and according to MC Hammer if you buy one, I might autograph it if asked nicely, or threatened. While I am willing to oblige you with an autograph, I will have to warn you that my scribble on the the magazine will probably devalue the cover price, and the resale price as well, so that 15¢ you were planning on getting for it at this summer's garage sale will probably slump to something around 5¢. My suggestion is that you get West Michigan's Number One Globe Trotting Cyclist, that's MC Hammer, to autograph it. That should boost the garage sale price up to at least 16¢.

RIDE TONIGHT? NOT THIS BASTARD, SORRY TO SAY ...

No chance for me to get out tonight. I'll be working on location and in the Surly Cave (pictured above) until late. Hopefully some of you Bastards will carry on the tradition of committing stupid rides at night in the snow. Probably JZ will be there carrying the torch. I think we rename him Hardcore Bastard, though people might take that the wrong way. Like we care if people take it the wrong way, right? Anyway, sorry I can't make it. It looks lovely out, if by lovely you mean crap.

Leave a comment if you're making it so the rest of the Bastards can pile in. Hope to see you all at the Versluis Snowcross this weekend. I'll have the cameras running for that one, should make for great material, if by great material you mean BLACKMAIL.

SNOW RIDE, ONCOMING BIKE TRAFFIC & PICK-UP LOVERS

Now what's going on here? Abandoned Trucks in the Bastard Spot?

After being humiliated into riding last night by JZ (see yesterdays post and comments) I arrived at the "Meeting Place" to find these two lonely, abandoned trucks in the lot. What the heck, I thought, this is a well-known trysting spot, but two pick-ups, WTF?

There was a note on the windshield of one of the trucks which read:

Dear Joe:

You cheating P.O.S.! I should have known something was going on. All the time you and P.J. spent in the basement watching your favorite "Western" I should have known there was some funny business going on ... I watched it while you were out - some "Western". Now I find your and P.J.'s trucks out here. Don't bother coming home you JERK!

Your EX, Samantha.

While the getting ready for the ride Joe and P.J. finally showed up to claim their trucks and everything became perfectly clear. I don't know what "Samantha" looks like, but these two dudes are hot!

My pick-up or yours? And who are those idiots on the bicycles?

Getting Ready to ride. Dark, cold, snowy.

So after bidding Joe and P.J. farewell and good luck, we assembled and geared up. On hand for the ride was JZ, F-Bats, Big Kahuna, New Guy Steve, and my Surly self.

Getting ready in the semi-dark kinda sucks. But the thought that we might be riding into deep slush or ice kinda keeps you all warm inside.

Checking the studs - yeah it's stud-master Craig, aka Flying Bats. Besides a knowing his studs he's also like a Wikipedia on Sid and Nancy. They were close friends. Hi Sid, HIGH Nancy! Hide the knives, the kids are coming over!

You know the more I look at Sid and Nancy, I'm reminded of another couple ...

Really? Maybe ...

But on the ride, we left the lot behind and were just about around the loop, through a strong head wind, with the wheels headed for home when what do we see coming right at us ...

Yeah, that would be what we look at coming at you at night. Spooky isn't it? Immediately we started wondering if we were meeting ourselves riding in a parallel universe headed in the opposite direction, but then I thought, no I didn't take any medication tonight, so it was probably really happening.

There were shouts of joy and recognition, until we realized we didn't know each other - yeah we knew each other. It was Bob S's ride doing the same route, only the wrong way. Yeah, we were going in the right direction.

The last one going by, like ships passing in the night. Love the Tron looks. Very nice.

Back in the lot, ride finished, everybody upright, ride well done. Here's a fogged up and happy NEW GUY STEVE. He's got a beauty of a new bike, sharp and shiny studs and all the gear you need to for a proper Bastard Ride. Welcome to the club Steve.

Here's Steve shedding his foggy glasses and giving us the "sexy" CSI Miami look.

Like this, isn't it?

Here's what the ride look like to me when it's done. Actually this is what my world looks like. Yeah, I'm not cool like Horatio, or Steve. I'm just blind.

VERSLUIS SNOWCROSS TRAINING TONIGHT?

Anyone feel like braving the icy roads out for a ride tonight? (I'm more concerned with the drive out than the ride). Do we need to train for the upcoming Versluis Snowcross this weekend? Post-up. If there is an overwhelming response I'll take the dog-sled out to the Bastard Meeting Place @ 6.

Speaking of the upcoming VERSLUIS SNOWCROSS ...

The OFFICIAL VERSLUIS SNOWCROSS "SNOW-MISER"

Versluis Snowcross apparently now has a "Critter" (seen above) to represent this classic Winter Cycling event. Go the Farm Team blog and check it out.

You know the Olympics always have adopted Critters and Crazy Looking Stuffed Animals to make the Olympics, more Olympic. I guess those rings just aren't enough. So it only makes sense for the SNOWCROSS to jump in the sporting event/doll game.

Here's a disgusting Olympic Stuffed Animal/Doll example from the past:

I'm not sure which Olympic these little bastards represented but I'm glad I missed it. As for the Versluis Snowcross, I think having a 'Doll' is pure genius. I only hope I can buy a SNOW-MISER at the event. And I hope he has a squeaky thing inside of him. I'll buy one for the dog and one for the handlebars my City SS.

As for the Versluis Snowcross, don't miss it. Here's a clip from their blog about the race.

Snowcross Is Back! *Versluis Orchards and Farm Team Racing are bringing back Snowcross for 2011. The first race is January 22, 2011. Our second event is scheduled for February 19, 2011.

It goes on to describe what Snowcross is, which is essentially silly racing on snow and ice followed by a bunch of beer drinking. I don't know if I needed a disclaimer for this, but okay.

After seeing the SNOW-MISER and OLYMPIC DOLLS, I'm thinking that maybe we need a Crazy Bastard Doll. What do you think?

Here are some options to consider:

While these are all Female Crazy Bastards, I think they fit the theme. But maybe we can do better. Maybe we'll suggest this bunch to Robin and the gals at the Honey Creek ... Waitress uniforms? Brilliant!

I think this guy is more "us", if by "us" you mean Crazy-Stupid-Fucking Bastards as Bob H calls us. (Like you're not here too Bob!)

Here's another one. I like these people. But maybe it's a little to "Naked Bike Ride" and Critical Mass for our delicate tastes, if by delicate tastes you mean I just threw-up Asian Carp in the parking lot of the Honey Creek

No, there's only one mascot for our group ... what do you think of this guy?

I think it says "Total Fucking Crazy Bastard," don't you? It will look great on T-shirts and make a great doll. Sqeaker included. I wonder what Bob will think though?

As for myself I think I found the perfect "Cartoon" avatar ...

Yeah, it's me hard at work in the Crazy Bastard Cave. Let me know if any of you Crazy Bastards want to ride tonight.

GRAND RAPIDS BUSTED BY BIKE SNOB!

I spotted the ad above, in this Month's Velonews (Cyclocross Issue, sort-of) and was disgusted to see the Tri-dork from the 1970's front and center. WHAT THE HELL? I thought. Did the ad agency know nothing of cycling, or what????? Check the guy out - ancient down-tube shifters, tennis shoes, creepy aerobars from the discount bin, cotton t-shirt ... man the list of shit goes on and fucking on.

Well, the next day after I spot the ad I see it hits Bike Snob's blog - he calls the "cyclist" a Retro-Fred, Tri-dork from another time, and so on. Very funny Snob stuff. So a few days later I see a flyer for the the Grand Rapids Triathlon featuring the same photo! WHAT THE HELL! (Again!) So I'm figuring this must be a free photo or something ....

But it doesn't stop there ...

Today on Bike Snob busts Grand Rapids Triathlon for using the same photo! Check out Bike Snob New York's post today - have a laugh - on us! Thanks Grand Rapids Triathlon!

Yeah, Tri-dorks unite! Rock your sleeveless jerseys (today would be a good one for that!) get your aerobars on, and get ready to ride down the rapids (see photo/flyer above). No wonder everybody on the East and West Coast thinks that people who live in Michigan are idiots and morons.

So who thinks we are cool here in the frozen Midwest?

This woman, probably. She's almost famous, too ...

In case you didn't recognize her, that's Brett Favre's sister. She just got busted for running a Meth Lab. So why does she think we're cool, living here in Michigan?

Because she lives in Mississippi. That's four i's and four s's, okay?

THURSDAY: TO RIDE OR NOT TO RIDE? AND WHICH FLASK DO I TAKE ANYWAY?

Not only can't I decided if I want to brave the cold, snow and ice out on the Bastard loop tonight, I also can't decide, if I do ride, which Flask should I take? Maybe you can help me decide.

Choice one: STANLEY

My new Stanley Flask - this flask features a wide mouth opening (are you saying I have a big mouth?) a leak-proof lide with lanyard (that's good 'cause there's nothing worth the gooey schnapps dripping in your back pocket) a stainless steel design which is rust-proof and won't transfer odors or taste (are you saying that I stink and I have no taste?) It's also packable and easy to store (like I'm an idiot and couldn't tell that when I picked it up!)

Choice two: SURLY

This of course is the quintessential biker flask, isn't it? Like all Surly bikes and components, we don't know what it's made of, but we probably can guess that it is made in China. We also know the cap will fall off eventually (I've fixed some of these for friends with a safety pin) and that gooey schnapps will run down your back, unless you are DIALED like our HUP UNITED friends and have a dedicated Surly Flask Mount on your bike. So much for carrying water, but it's winter who needs to drink - until the ride's done.

Let me know what you think which flask you think I should bring, and if any of you are riding at all - you should know that on Tuesday Steve K, Steve B, Jeff Z, Craig R, Chuck G, Matt G, and myself, rocked a damn good ride in the snow. There were also remarks (kinda of drunken remarks I might add) made in the Honey Creek during our apres ride festivities that said, essentially, that if you didn't ride on Tuesday you were a big crybaby and so on.

Let me know if you're going to ride. I know a few people, even those tough guys that rode on Tuesday, won't make it tonight.

Also let me know on the Flask choice. I can't wait to see the winner on that one.

I THINK I BETTER RIDE TONIGHT

Yeah, it's time to get back on the bike.

After a short rest I think it's time to get out on the bike again. A few days of rest, a little skiing, and too many trips to the gym (wow is it busy!) I think I'm ready to get out there again. But wait! How come my jersey is so tight? Why are bib shorts only making it to my ankles? What the f........?

Besides how many times do you get to ride on a date that is this cool? 1.11.11!