THURSDAY RIDE & SLIDE

I laugh at ice and snow. Hahahahahahaha-ha. Then I fall down in a small heap and weep like a little child. No studded tires? No problemo, mate. Think I'll try the new suction tires. Not only are they grippy-grippy on ice and snow you can climb up the sides of glass buildings. Well maybe not.  So maybe I'll  give it the old Bastard try tonight, unless its too awful-awful.  Anyone else stupid enough? And WWMD?

THE WICKED WIND OF THE WEST

I clawed my way over to Townsend Park last night while battling a strong westerly wind. My studded tires once again shredded the frozen ground like a John Deere Road Grader on steroids.

As expected, I arrived only to be greeted by the mountain bikers. There where just too many heads to count, some where in the number of eight to ten with even a couple of first timers in their ranks. I was invited to tag along, but I did have to endure a little smack talking. I heard one of them say "maybe the World Famous Crazy Bastards change their start time or location or both, chuckle, chuckle."

Little did they know that we are no longer the Crazy Bastards, but we are now the Top Gun Crazy Bastards and Rauol was home calibrating his joy stick. I was thinking it was going to be predator missiles not predator fish for these boys tonight.

I didn’t want to tip them off and I was wondering WWMD (What Would Maverick Do)? So, I just rode along, dragging them up ever hill and making sure that their tongues were securely frozen to their handle bars by the time we reached ML area. At that point I made my exit with a little chuckle, letting the Wicked Wind of the West and Rauol do the rest.

Hasta la vista boys…

SNOW ICE OR SNOT?

I don't know if I'm going to make tonight's ride as I'm feeling a little under, well maybe over, the weather, right now. I'm also not sure what the riding conditions will be and if it's safe to venture back out onto the dirt roads. Did the ice vanish? If it didn't, did the new snowfall give it some grip? Are the paved options now too slippery to be safe? So many questions, so few smarts. Just to make sure we cover all the bases I'm sending an envoy from the BOS (Bikes On Snow - check it out) site to lead the way - the way being perhaps down the icy runs at Cannonsburgerly. If I don't see you Bastards tonight, be safe!

A Sign of Things to Come...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off and all gravel roads have been closed to bicycle travel.

TOP GUN CRAZY BASTARD

In honor of Russ Greenwood's new baby boy, "Maverick," we've decided it appropriate (over more than a few beers at the HC last night) that the Crazy Bastards adopt a new image - Top Gun! Yep, we're going to remake the entire club/ gang, as a Top Gun outfit.

 Everyone will take on one of the Top Gun identities. The choice will be yours. The only two that have been taken so far: ICEMAN, by CD since he already has a hat that says "ICEMAN" on it plus he looks a lot like a young Val Kilmer, and SLIDER which will be given to Mr. Kim Lee since he has more time sliding across the ice than anyone else this year. 

CD tells me that I can keep my current name as he believes one of the MIG Jockey's was called SURLY. I'll check this out. If there isn't a guy name SURLY in one of the exploding enemy jets, I'll go for RAUOL, which was the name of the Cabana Boy who passed out the sun tan lotion at the volleyball game. Here is a list of the names, and a test that will assist you in making your choice.

 

Maverick

Iceman

Goose

Viper

Jester

Cougar

Wolfman

Slider

Merlin

Sundown

Hollywood

Stinger

Chipper

 

Now here’s your TOP GUN CRAZY BASTARD test:

Are you arrogant?

Very much

Yes

No

 

Are you someone’s wingman?

Yes

No

Not sure

 

Are you a stud with the ladies?

Definitely

Yes

No

 

Are you black?

Yes

No

Not sure

 

What’s your favorite drink?

Bud

Shots

Water

 

Are you married?

Yes with kids

Yes

No

 

Do you consider yourself to be the best?

Definitely

Think so

No

 

What do you want to be when you graduate from Top Gun?

Top Gun Instructor

Continue to serve your country in the navy

Don’t know

 

What sort of aviators do you wear?

Mirror

Dark lens

Don’t wear them

 

Do you play volleyball?

Yes

No

What’s that?

ICE, ICE, BABY

Luckily nobody ended up like this last night, though it was on all our minds as we once again rolled out over glare, polished, ice-covered roads. I'm sick of it, really. The temperature was great, which made it all the worse. I think there were five of us, but I can't remember exactly. Maybe I did fall on my head. After a few miles of white-knuckle riding (and whimpering), we opted for the pavement in put in about and hour and a half of riding on the dreaded pavement.

The OTHER RIDE was out last night, too. We let them know it might be be treacherous, and they, like us, made a few alteration in course to by-pass well-known danger spots.

Back at the HC, along with Simple, we again crossed paths with the OTHER RIDE (I wish they'd come up with a name) and got their post ride story, or in this case post-mortem. While nobody in their group ended up in plaster, it seemed there were plenty of falls (3), but thankfully the only fracture was to a rear-derailler hanger. I guess they towed the guy home. I would have like to have seen that, considering you couldn't stay upright on your own.

Anyway, unless it thaws, or snows, we're screwed and we're going to have to ride on the f-ing road. How's that for a ride report?

Frostilicus Ride

Anyone up for riding on Tuesday night? Got the lights charging and the gear all packed up. Will be all set and ready to roll at usual go time. And, in case you young wipper-snappers forgot, leave Jeff Z's new mitts at home. We don't want to get our asses whupped again. Maybe I'll bring some CB back-up just in case some young bucks start talking smack and trying to intimidate us old, frail geezers... now where did I put my training wheels???