LOVING BRUTAL RIDES, HERE'S MUD IN YOUR TEETH, AND CROSS BIKES FOR SALE!

Who got the worst of the mud, and collected most of it on Tuesday? Maybe Scott, who is wearing a lot of mud. Strange, since he pulled most of the 35-miles. I should pay him for at least half of his rear wheel since I was sitting on it for almost the entire ride.

Big Mac also got a facial. Looks like most of it was in the eyes. Yeah, always wear protective eye wear. Chances are there won't be any of this tonight. Even Big Mac's motor was hurting. Fast ride, mud, lots of go in everybody legs, but no air to breathe. Reports of big gravel were highly exaggerated, roads were pretty smooth and the gravel dump from 3-weeks ago is just about all absorbed. Adam says it was one of the fastest, recent rides (as recorded on one of his many electronic devices). But then he did have mud in his eyes ...

Kim Lee looks pretty clean. Here he's showing us the dirt in his teeth, as if you could see the dirt between his teeth. Or maybe he's doing an ad for tooth whitener with cyclist EPO-PED? "PEDOMINT: It makes you faster while it makes your teeth whiter! Only from the Laboratories of Kim Lee." Kim loved the ride, and spent the night going between "Man this is so painful, but I love it so much. What a ride!" Time for some professional help, Kim. Oh, you are a professional.

After the ride I was wearing a semi-permanent "man-jaggins" around. Nice look!

This is what the bottom of my bike was wearing. That's just dried rivulets of mud - the bike, thankfully is internally cabled. Note the kink in the muddy-buddy chain.

JUST IN TIME FOR CROSS SEASON:

REDLINE 54 CROSS BIKE FOR SALE!

Redline Conquest Pro 2008 

Bought this frame and fork in 2009 and used this bike as a training bike and pit bike. It has a few wear marks and paint chips, but no dents and is in good shape. I have rebuilt it with a lot of new parts, as well as good used parts that were waiting to be used again. It's ready to roll for only $500! The perfect gravel grinder or race bike. I also have a use Trek 54 Cyclocross bike that's set up as a SS, but can be converted to gears.

NEW: SRAM Cassette, Chain and Sora 9-Speed Derailleur. NEW cable and housing.

NEW Sora Shifters, USED Ritchie Bar, USED Origin 8 Brake set with KOOL Stop Brake pads. Great braking!

Frame: Redline Conquest Pro Alloy, size 54.

Fork: Matching fork with carbon legs and alloy steer tube - cut, but plenty of height left.

Shifters: Shimano 9-Speed Sora NEW - no thumb shifters, shifts like all current Shimano systems. Has shift indicators, just in case you don't know what gear you're in.

Rear Derailleur: NEW Sora 9 Speed

Chain: NEW SRAM 9-speed chain

Cassette: NEW SRAM 12-27 cassette, perfect for cross.

Cables: Brake and Shifter cables and housing - all NEW

Pedal: No pedals

Crank: Truvative Carbon arms, alloy spider, outboard cups. USED

Chain rings: USED FSA 46-38

Front Derailleur: USED 

Wheels: NEW Weinman. Black rims, red alloy nipples

Tires: USED Specialized Houfilize

Bar: Ritchie Comp 42

Stem: Options to fit

Seat post: Ritchie Comp

Saddle: WTB

Brakes: Origin 8 Euro Style wide arms - new KOOL Stop pads in rear, lightly worn fronts

Bar Tape: Will wrap with your color of choice - black?

STEAMY RIDES WITH A STEAMING PILE OF WHAT WE LEARNED THIS SUMMER ON THE SIDE

A small bunch of Bastards rolled Thursday.

A steamed up and sweaty crew from last Thursday's CBX Ride: Bob H, Craig R, Dave S. were the only Bastards to brave the humidity. But they didn't just get all steamed up from riding ...

The irresistible bouncy tent provided a different kind of cross clinic. Good practice if you're going to try your hand at the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championship.

Winner, winner, Bob Hughes is having a Sparty Dinner.

The winner of Thursday Night's CBX ride was Bob Hughes. How he won it, nobody knows, since it's not really a race, but here is a proud Bob, with his winnings. Well done Bob ... now it's time for you to get the winner's tattoo just like the SSCXWC winners do ...

First choice for a memorable, and severely painful winner's tattoo ... "Bike My Lip." No thanks I'll pass.

Maybe a better tattoo for Bob would be this handy reference diagram tattoo which shows you how to assemble your bike before a ride. I wonder, will you have to update the tattoo when you get a BB30 PF  bottom bracket? How about disc brakes? That could hurt.

So let's review what we've learned so far this summer on our CBX rides ...

We learned how to trash talk like champs in the parking lot ...

We learned how to properly crash in the parking lot ...

We learned how to stand around in the parking lot and tell a lot of lies about our training ...

We learned how to stand around in the parking lot looking cool, and that's no lie ...

We learned how to properly fondle our sweet-ass, magic sherbert tires in the lot, but not how to spell sherbet correctly, apparently ...

We learned how to post up fake photos on Face Book hours before the ride so we don't have to roll when it's too hot or raining ... where's that fake cast I had from Halloween?

We learned proper bike fit ... how much did that fitting cost, mister?

We learned all about proper CBX ride sock fashion and style ...

And we learned how to celebrate those "Big" wins on the bike with class and dignity ...

To finish off this meandering and near meaningless post, I'd like to show you what's next for the Crazy Bastards ... like the Dutch Army Bicycle Corp, we're going to have our own Crazy Bastard Bicycle Band ... pick your instrument, you already have the bike, and play on, players.

CYCLOCROSS - IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TIRES ISN'T IT?

("There, there my sweet orange babies, we'll release the power of your Atomoic Sherbert soon. Let those dogs eat your Sherbert flavored atomic dust and die! Arrrgh, arrrgh, arrgh!")

It could be all about the tires. Probably close to bike costs, in the total cyclocross expenditure list (we're not talking giant vans, road trips, motels, beer and bail money) and in the time we spend bullshitting about 'cross, tires have to top the list. 

I've tried all sorts of tires. Like this tire, which I've discovered is only good for gravel road rides. Oh, well, add it to the 'cross collection.

(Of course you need all sort of tires. Here's Big Mac in Chicago in the what I believe were the PRE-LIMUS days.)

(God, a tire I don't have? What the hell ...)

There's hardly a day that goes by now that there isn't a new tire available that we didn't know we needed. While I thought I had the whole spectrum of tire to surface interface combinations covered with the Grifo, Grifo XS, Grifo XS White, Fango and Limus, Challenge hit me with a new one today, the new Challenge Chicane, which is made, I'm guessing and riding through Chicanes, like this one below. You can read more about the new Challenge Chicane today on the Cyclocross Magazine website right here.

(Ithaca Grand Prix course - the Hallway of Doom, Pasture of Pain, or something like that ...)

Great place for a Chicane ... I mean the tire not the course configuration. And yes this is a shot of the Ithaca Grand Prix course, which will be the first Michigan Cross Race of the season this September 7. While it looks like the Challenge Chicane would be the perfect tire for this part of the course, I don't have one (yet) so I guess I'll just suck again. You can always blame the tires.

Just to remind you one more time, JB-style, the Ithaca Grand Prix is almost here, so register now. There might even be some special stuff in it for you, like this Ithaca T-shirt, but I'm not sure what this special offer is so you'll have to go to the Ithaca GP blog and find out for yourself right here.

MY USUAL TUBELESS TIRE RANT. STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE

(Here's a video on mounting tubeless tires which in my opinion is a total crock of horseshit. It's not simple, it's not easy and you can't do it with a floor pump. You need like enough air pressure to launch a 40 pound dog through the air to get the tires to snap on, and then it's another week of suffering through leaky tires and whale jis all over the floor.)

As far as cross tires are concerned, no matter what the tread, I'm sticking to tubulars for after my short foray into the world of tubeless tire systems. While I have enjoyed the quality of the ride of tubeless tires on my mountain bike (yeah I rode it once) I found the task of mounting tubulars and gluing far easier than fucking around for a week trying to get the tubeless system to hold air. Also, hunting and killing sperm whales for their jism, to properly seal the tires, is also pretty tiring if not down right dangerous. Plus get that stuff on the garage floor and you could slip and fall. And while the rest of you are plunking down good money for that synthetic whale jiz, from that guy named Stan, I'm going old school and harvesting my own. Here's how its done, kids.

ENOUGH TIRES, NOW ONTO THE CLINICS

With only weeks to go before the kick-off of the 2013 Cyclocross season, after talk of tires, it's talk of training. From power meters to practice, we're all looking for someway to not make total fools of ourselves out there in front of our peers, or those assholes we call friends.

(The Real Women Tri Cross Clinic a couple of weeks ago at Manhattan Park.)

There's clinics and practices all over the place right now. We'll have a small one tonight, as a matter of fact. The Real Women Tri club hosted their e own clinic a little while ago, conducted by Ann Swartz and the good folks from Tailwind who put together an awesome little course. And of course Ann is one of the best cross teachers in the business. Next year this should be even bigger.

SHOULD I BUY A CROSS BIKE?

(You're kidding, right)

(Should I buy cross bike? The answer is no, you should buy 3 or 4. Just like this one. That will be $15,000 please.)

So after the clinic and the practice those of you trying it out on Mountain Bikes and Frankencrossers start to think about buying a proper cyclocross bike. There above headline and photo were on the Cyclocross Magazine website. When I saw it I had to laugh. Buy a "one" cross bike, are you flippin' kidding me?

(Yeah it's a little small but it handles like a bitch and it carries like a peach.)

Choosing the right bike is easy, well maybe. I still say one size smaller than your regular bike size. It's old school, but for all the people I've seen riding cross bikes that are too big for them, it still makes sense.)

PRE-SEAON TRAINING RIDES: LEARNING TO TRASH TALK BEFORE THE RACING EVEN BEGINS

After tires, bikes, clinics and a proper doping program has been established, the next thing you need is a pre-season training ride. We've got one. Not only it is good for your legs and bike handling, but you can also practice your trash talking and heckling. But just remember, there's no one out there to break up the fight, and most of the people that ride with us will just want to watch you get your ass beat anyway. Rides roll out of Townsend Park at 6:30 every Tuesday and Thursday.

(Adam practices some early season trash talk on Michael before the ride even begins: "Watching you ride around the parking lot was the first time I've ever seen the back of your jersey on a ride. I didn't know about all your sponsors. Good luck to them."

GRAVEL GRINDING, MI CROSS PREVIEW, AND DOING THE ARTE JOHNSON

The CBX gang hanging out in the parking lot waiting to roll, telling lies and trying to hide their disdain for each other ... wait this isn't a road ride, oops, forget that. To entertain them I did my Arty Johnson tip-over-in-the-parking-lot routine just to keep everyone feeling good about themselves. Bastards.

While there was no photo or video evidence of my non-epic tip-over Craig, Aaron and Adam quickly marked the spot with fast-drying tubeless-tire-jism as a warning or just a reminder of my crash to others. The Bastards.

Despite my unspectacular fall it turned out to be another great ride last night, graced by Cupcake, Jane Van Hof, Craig Flying Bats Rawlings, Big Mac, Aaron O' Huntington (he has a new name since returning from the his Scotland/Ireland excursion), Tony H (short ride for him on road tires), Dave H (even shorter for him on road tires as well) and me, the new Arty Johnson. Perfect temps, and a lot of good sections along with some deeper gravel that was a grind ... but a good grind.

Just in from his semi-live appearance in Ireland and Scotland, the jet-lagged, Single Malt and Guinness marinated Aaron O' Huntington joined us for the ride. In the background Big Mac is telling Jane how it's all going to go down in the final non-sprint of the night.

Aaron O' Huntington's new jersey. I guess this is what people look like in Scotland.

MICHIGAN CROSS SEASON PREVIEW AND STARTLING PHOTOS OF FAT CYCLOCROSS RIDER ON CYCLOCROSS MAGAZINE WEBSITE TODAY! 

Imagine my pride, horror and dismay at having my fat-ass plopped in a story about the Michigan Cyclocross scene today. The photo is courtesy of Big Mac, story I believe is by JB Hancock. It's all about the coming season and the kick-off race at Ithaca in just a month and the entire Michigan schedule. To see it all go here.

Also featured in the story was this nice photo of our Michigan Cyclocross cover girl, Sarah McIntyre running up the ramparts of Mad Anthony last year. Mad Anthony is back on the schedule as part of the Tailwind series. Again, you can view all of the series dates and locations here.

Gravel Road Riding: AUGUST IS THE NEW SEPTEMBER

Last Thursday's ride was a good one with: New Guy Dave, Jeff F, Jerry, Dave S, Don G, Kim T, Scott W, and the Shadow rolling up about 33 miles of dirt road goodness.

Last week's riding was sweet. The roads were good and fast, there were some nice intervals but not a hammer fast, the riding was safe, no big gaps, no half-wheeling, nobody got dropped. It was good times as Gunter Vogler says. The Crazy Bastard rides have been up and rolling for well over a month now, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, far earlier than I've ever seen before, which leads me to believe that August is the new September.

Since the Crazy Bastard rides have launched so early this year people ask me, "hey dummy, don't you usually do these these stupid rides in the fall?" My answer goes something like this ... "there are a number of reasons for people switching over to gravel riding so early, and if you didn't Google the reasons why, here are mine ... dumbass."

Road Racing hurts. If you don't believe me watch this video above and tell me if you haven't seen this before. Yeah crits and road races can be dangerous, especially if you or the person you're racing again doesn't know what the f&@k they're doing. I love road racing, but frankly I'm getting too old to get busted up that bad and do all that nasty rehab shit. The sound of popping tires, snapping carbon and the accompanying screams are starting to get to me. I'm just getting old ...

Anybody that thinks Mountain Biking is any safer needs to just look out for that next tree around one of the million-and-half redundant turns featured on our local trails. I have color photographs for future publication of Shawn Davison and Jeff "Slayer" Haney that prove that the human rib is not mightier than the tree.

Riding on the road is also getting pretty damn dangerous. Well it was anyway. I believe this is Katie Hamel's wheel after she was run down by a hit and run driver on her way to the Monday Night Time Trial ...

The driver also adjusted Katie's seat, unless that's one of those new Specialized seats that "moves" with you as you pedal ...

Oh yeah, the car is mightier than the carbon bicycle ... that's also a nice derailleur adjustment.

A driver also made some modifications to Steve Bartzen's bike this summer while riding on the road. I believe that was a mountain bike, but I'm not sure, but if it is he should have been out trying to dodge trees with it, not cars. I also notice the shadow is there taking photos again.

So it's my assumption that people like these people above, milling around and fussing with their Garmens and Stravas, are switching from the road, and maybe even the trail (hey you can't ride when it's wet can you?!) for the relative safety of gravel roads where the traffic is lighter and slower and there aren't any trees in the road to hit. Okay Craig hit a tree. And there are deer. And those nasty Sand Hill Cranes that can peck your eyes out. And Swans that will bite you. And Killer Chihauhaus (I wish) and about a billion dumb bunnies that don't do anything dangerous ... oh yeah and the chicken that almost took Craig down ...

Since we are cyclists we can't let anything appear to be too easy or safe so we add some hardman drama to the dirt road riding scene to make it seem like we are living on the edge of crashing or puking our guts out from over the top efforts, like the rest of the cycling world does everyday. A good example is the whole Belgian-The F*ck up brand that's pretty much focused on cross, dirt road riding, and Classics wanna-bees. It tells the world that even though you're scared of road racing, riding on the road, and your ribcage has an allergy to pine trees, you're still a tough guy or gal. So Belgy the F*ck up, okay?

If you don't believe me that we're infected with the Belgian The F*ck Up theme all you had to do was look around the parking lot before the ride last Thursday .. or any other day there's a ride.

Solid yellow not tough enough and make you look chicken? Then add a bit of some baby blue to your Manly Belgy kit like Big Mac does.

Carlos Danger lives the life of danger. Why not me?

I refuse to pretend the life of danger with Belgy socks or kit. I have a whole new game. To make sure that I am safe, yet appearing to live the life of "danger" on tonight's ride I'm going to ride this sturdy bike and Kevlar suit - yet I am going to change my name from Surly Bastard to "CARLOS DANGER" just ot make myself look way-badass. What do you think? Maybe I'll lose the lapel pin though, don't want stick myself - but I'll be at Townsend tonight for a roll-out at 6:30.