BAH HUMBUG! IT'S CHRISTMAS AND OTHER DISTURBING NEWS - PLUS A SPECIAL XMAS PRESENT JUST FOR YOU!!

Crazy Bastard Christmas Light Ride 2012.

In case you missed it, or even care, we had our Christmas Light Ride last Tuesday. It was raining and crappy, but not as crappy as Thursday, so if you were holding your holiday-breath for the Thursday ride "To The Lights: you were Christmas-Shit-Out-of-Luck. It never happened. That's because it was even rainier and crappier than Tuesday and nobody felt like riding. So there. Happy F*ing Holidays.

The riders assemble in the lot after the ride for a Christmas group portrait in the rain. Pretty freakin' cheery, huh?

While there were a lot of people that I enjoy riding with in this group (you can't see anybody in this group which is really what the night was all about anyway), let me tell you there are few hiding in the shadows that I never want to see, or hear again. As for disc brakes in the mud - well I just have to say no thank you. I'd rather listen to an endless loop of a garbage disposal filled with dinner forks and chicken bones.

Back at the HC for Christmas Light Night Beers. Also dark and murky.

Back at the practically empty HC we had a few beers and swapped inappropriate stories and jokes all of which I tried to immediately erase from my mind. Hey it was swell guys, can't wait till next year!

WORLD CYCLOCROSS CHAMPIONSHIP BROKE AGAIN - WHAT'S UP WITH THAT SH*T?

If you want the Cyclo-Cross World Championship to happen in America this year you'll need to buy about a 100 of these, or sign up for a $25,000 VIP Table soon.

I had thought that the financial woes of the World's in Looeyville were in the rear view mirror that's velcro'd to the side of my race helmet, but no – the sad saga seems to continue. When I saw reports of $2500, $25,000 and $25,000,000 VIP tables being put up for grabs, I started to have a bad feeling. Once again funding didn't come through, but thankfully a some groups that aren't sustainable energy companies that promised to support this thing and went broke, stepped up, picked up the pieces and got on with the job of not making Cyclocross in America look like a big joke. I mean imagine having a 'cross race, inviting everybody in the world and not have something, like let's say - toilets? How bad would that be? 

Imagine a World Championship Cyclocross Race, or any race, without one of these. Horrible, huh?

Just so you think I'm pooping in your port-o-potty about this, here's the story that just kind of came and went on December 18th.

USA Cycling rescues cyclo-cross Worlds after Exergy shortfall

By: Laura WeisloPublished: December 18, 17:10, Updated: December 19, 00:13

Will cover funding with Louisville Sports Commission

With just over six weeks until Louisville, Kentucky is scheduled to host the 2013 UCI Cyclo-cross World Championships, USA Cycling and the Louisville Sports Commission have had to step in and take over running the event after a reported $250,000 sponsorship shortfall threatened the very existence of the race, USA Cycling announced today.

USA Cycling installed its own race promoter, Micah Rice, the VP of National Events, to take over running the operations from Louisville 2013's Joan Hanscom and Bruce Fina, but Rice told Cyclingnews that he expects the current staff to remain involved.

"We are taking a hard look at everything right now, and we are in the process of figuring out all the contract pieces," Rice said, "but we don't expect USA Cycling to waltz in and for Bruce and Joan to walk away. We are eight [sic] weeks out, and it would be impossible to run the event without their knowledge."

Read the entire story here: http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/usa-cycling-rescues-cyclo-cross-worlds-after-exergy-shortfall

If Joan does walk away, it will be in really cool boots with a beer and a cell phone in her hand. That's multi-tasking girl! 

If America screws this up this sign will be more like a tombstone than a tribute to American Cyclocross.

While it looks like USA Cycling and Papa John's Pizza are going to cover the tab for the d-bag sponsors that went solar-windmill-belly up, there also looks like there is an effort to close the financial shortfall by selling some VIP Tent packages. Some of my friends have even been offering (more like taunting) me with the idea of dropping some semi-big-bucks so I can watch the race from inside a tent. My first thought was, you gotta be Katie F-ing Compton kidding me, but then I thought what if the tent is so cool that I don't care if I miss the race because I'm sequestered inside a big party bag? I imagined the possibilities ...

How cool would it be if the VIP Tent was like a giant, fully  landscaped court yard with a fountain flowing with Belgy Beer? Yeah that's worth at least $2500 bucks! Plus you can just puke up the beer and bad food on the grass or in the flower beds like you always do. It's classy and convenient.

Or how about if the VIP Tent is totally trippin' balls like this? Hell I'd forget all about cyclo-what?

And dude, like a VIP Tent is always stocked with plenty of debutantes, right? Now that's racin'!

It would be just a giant-ass VIP Tent Party, man! Yeah that's rockin'!

American 'cross fan in the tent and out of the rain! Yeah, what's a bicycle anyway? What no motor? Foggeddaboutit!

For what I can afford, this is probably more like what my VIP Tent will look like, somewhere under a bridge by the Ohio River, downtown Looeyville.

So as you can tell I am going to Just-Say-No to drugs that aren't performance enhancing enough, and a VIP Tent pass - unless I can get either one of those things for free. I am going to go out there and watch the world's best 'cross, just the way they do in Europe. Here's a video of how they do it, so you can learn by example. Please take notes, note takers.

Why waste beer money on a useless VIP tent pass? You're going to end up face-first in the mud sobbing - "Styby, Styby, Styby ...." anyway. Just get Euro, and go for it. It's a historic event - or that's at least what I'm told.

SPECIAL CRAZY BASTARD CHRISTMAS GIFT VIDEO: MAKE SURE YOU'RE PROPERLY LUBED-UP FOR 2013!

MICHIGAN CYCLOCROSS 2012: ROLL FILM FERNDOCK!

Let's sit back and watch some lovely "films" of the past season together, shall we? I have my smoking jacket on, and I'm ready to roll.

Sure, there's still 'cross racing to be done - an some of it amounts to the most important races of the year, like the New Year's Resolution in Chicago, Nationals in Madison, World Master's in Looeyville, and the World Championships in Looeyville, not to mention the best of them all - a dune race in Holland. So while it may look I'm pulling the plug by slipping into something more comfortable like a smoking jacket, a snifter of cognac and a non-stop diet of pizzas and ice cream, let's not forget the truly hardcore out there that have just begun to race. On the other hand, for the other 98% of you Bastards, it's time to sit back and look back at a few select films that capture the year-that-was in Michigan Cyclocross racing.

Yes, Cyclocross Racing was filled with many memorable moments like these.

What better way to remember all those races than to view it through the lens of Adam McIntyre's GoPro, that was there for practically every race. It's a great way to relive every twist and turn of the courses you hammered this year.

2012 MICHIGAN STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS - ADDISON OAKS - TAILWIND FINALE

Fresh in the memory you may not even need to watch. But as you do you're sure to remember that sand, that slog up the back, and the slippery little OC's. It's all here. Ride it one more time with Big Mac.

2012 BIG BAD WOLF - STOMACH OF ANGER FINALE

Uggggh. The pain of it all. It was like a USGP race part two. Tougher than hell, maybe the toughest, most Euro course of the year, thanks to JB Hancock. Or not thanks to him. Bastard.

2012 WATERFORD RACEWAY - TAILWIND RACING

Two days of racing, with completely different tracks. Great racing - lot of battles on everything from dry and cold to wet and slick. 

2012 USGP EVA BANDMAN - LOOEYVILLE, KANTUCKY

What a great course. If you rode it you can say you raced on the same course the Nys will be rockin' this year. Scary in spots, challenging in all others. This is a great and fun look at this course in the 2/3's with Big Mac.

2012 MAD ANTHONY, DETROIT - STOMACH OF ANGER

More than just a novelty course, this thing is a blast to race. Hat's off to the promoters for making this happen, once again, against tough odds.

There a more, more videos on Adam McIntyre's YouTube Channel. Watch 'em all right here: http://www.youtube.com/user/DrAdammac84?feature=watch

MI CX CHAMPS: SOME GOT ICE CREAM, SOME JUST GOT CREAMED

Just Desserts: Das German, Sven Baumann finishes off 2012 with another State Championship, a Big Ass Trophy, a cooler full of ice cream and a plate of cookies. Nice job, but it looks like your year's done Sven.

While even in the best of years the State Championship CX has always sucked for me, I've got to say this one truly rocked - my friends did well, the racing was exciting, there we unexpected results, the usual bunch of ringers showed up for one race and so on, fun and same-old combined ... but the best thing was this course and venue. Man, I hope they bring this back. It reminded me of the Champ course in Looeeville before Eva Bandman. It was fun, classy, and beautiful looking - not to mention the great pit with water, fire pit and great warming house, bathrooms and such. It was a well thought out course too, using a bunch of sand, and so on. Tougher than it looked, but hell, aren't they all?

So after polishing off yet another ice cream cup, we snatched the Michigan State Championship trophy away from Sven before he ate that, too ...

Hey give me that trophy you crazy German. You sure you're a Michigan resident? That accent sounds kinda phony. Are you from the U.P.?

We examined the trophy closely to see who's fingerprints were all over it. Apparently a guy named Weinert had carved his name quite a few times. But who ees' this man Hogan, I mean Weinert, and vat was he doing vit das German's Trophy? Quite a lot it appeared.

We searched through the archives and found this evidence. Apparently this Weinert fellow had stolen the trophy quite a few times. From this photo it looks like another Century, before they knew where to put the damn numbers.

We took the trophy for a little spin, before Sven started eating the plates off the sides, and found more names ... Card, Wissink, Foshag ... nice work boys. Okay Sven, you can eat it now.

Nice history lesson, but back to the present, seems like some of those names are still around, Wissink, Parmalee, with new ones ready to step up like Burke and Beebe ... and Weinert just off the podium.

In the Women's Elite Kelly Patterson came on strong again in the end with another late season performance to take the State Championship. Three of our favorite women cyclocrossers - Queen Anne, Melly Kelly, and Susan, Surrender the Booty, Shaw.

Well enough of the Elites. I mean they're fast, young (well not all, but younger than me, but who isn't), and so on, and make me sick really with all their form and mad cyclocross skillz. And they certainly don't need anymore adoration heaped on them.  Jerks. Now lets get on to the more meaningless happenings at the State Championship, you know, the stuff that I really care about.

Cyclocross Tent City Early Sunday Morning.

The day started early at Addison Oaks with the erection (I can hear Osgood laughing, he said erection, huh-huh-huh) of a tent city, which looked a little bit like a scene from the Grapes of Wrath. In the center of it was our own Crazy Bastard Compound.

From the outside the CBX compound looks like just a collection of discarded bike shit and junk.

But as you get closer you start to notice ingenious hillbilly-engineering and all sorts of crap you thought you'd never need at  race. But what's going on inside? All the other tents are open, but this one looks so secrective ... (No Osgood that's Secretive as in Secret, not Secrete, as in YOU are a Serial Secreter ...)

A rare glimpse inside the CBX Tent: Heater, Automatic Tire Gasser, Trainers, lounge chairs ... and extreme laziness.

As the tents were erected (shut the f*ck up Osgood) friends and fans start milling around the scene.

The Animal Sisters  - out of uniform for race day. They swapped their animal heads for some fancy boots. The Boot Sisters? Hmmmmmm. No, they'll always be the animal sisters to me.

In Europe people walk around with the "Sven Nys Supporter" jackets on. At the Michigan State Championships this year some crazy people were walking around with "Osgood On A Stick" placards. Do you know where that stick has been young man? I'd wash my hands if I were you. In gasoline.

Inside the race support facility Sarah McIntyre was already eyeing the podium. Wonder who's going to be walking on that? she probably said to no one ever

But lets leave the tent city and the fans tromping around in the mud and get back to racing again. Once the tires were gassed and skinsuits stretched on over the fat guts it was time for the non-elites to get it on.

 Here's the charge of the Killer Beeeeeees! Good looking bunch, but smelly.

Wish I had more shots of this beautiful course, but this is just about it for now. Here's Big Mac coming around the bend. Note the sand on the right. Yeah, that hurt.

Here I am trudging through the sand, running and thinking of more excuses I can use for why I sucked so bad this year.

There were a lot of people that didn't suck. Here's Sarah McIntyre picks up another podium spot in her rookie year.

Adam McIntyre picked up the Series Win in the Cat 2-3 (B) Men, just edging out some tough competition from Brad Lako on the second step and Ben Christian in third. Well done guys,

Here's Adam receiving what he thinks is a bag of money for the series win.

Turns out it wasn't money - but a sweet Tailwind Series Champion hat. Until you start combing that awesome facial hair up and over your dome you'll need that hat.

Adam also took a Silver State Championship Medal, and Mike Bellovich a well deserved Bronze in the  Men's U-39 Bs.

The Women's Elite Series Championship Podium. After dominating the Women's Elite all year-long, Queen Anne takes the win, along with the usual suspects Kelly and Susan along side her. Nice racing ladies.

 I, due to (excuse number 32 and number 11 go here) was just 10-seconds from a State Championship Medal myself. Boo-hoo f'ing who, right? I hounded the promoters asking if there couldn't there just this once be an extra "podium step" for a fourth place finisher in the State Championship - one for some who tried so hard, but just came up a little short because of (excuse number 32 and number 11 go here) which I could do nothing about. Because the Tailwind folks are so sweet and wonderful, they said they'd fix something up just for me ...

We'll just put you to next to the 2nd step ...

There you go. Now just have your mommy lift you up and drop you into your rightful podium spot you big crybaby ...

Meanwhile, hourse after it was all over, Sven was still eating ice cream.

More State Champ photos and videos coming soon! Also, a video trip back to Big Bad Wolf!

PLAYING CATCH-UP AS THE YEAR WINDS DOWN

Rockin' old school CBX at the SURPRISE YOU'RE F*ING old B-Day Party. Remember these? Nice, but mine isn't as clean. Has to be Jim Allen - he's neat!

Well I've been shut down by the Google Monster for almost a week, but now that's over we can resume  normal operations, which means more crap Bastard posts. Since we last left you I had a surprise Birthday Party at the Farm Team Headquarters, which was quite a bash, and a total shock to my system that anyone could even remember that it was 96th Birthday! Anyway I got more gifts than I deserve, thank you everyone, especially you-know-who for the great gift and Scott Chapin for the Head Scratcher, which still has me scratching my head, which I guess is the idea, right Scott?

The gift for someone who has everything - but hair? The Head Scratcher. 

While it's a brilliant device since I have no hair, scratching my head is never a problem. Yet knowing Scott, there had to be some sensible reason for him giving me this thoughtful and inspired gift, even though it seems so stupid. And then it came to me as I scratched my head ....

It's a Helmet Head Scratcher, for scratching those spots you can never seem to get to when you're riding. Thanks Scott, this gift is truly inspired and thoughtful too!

There were many wonderful people at the party, and as you can see by DJ CR, jumping in the background of Kim, Sheri and Gretchen, it had a real party atmosphere.

Kim, Chris and Dawn Davison enjoying the party.

Great to see Julie Boonen (Tom's Boonen's sister, all the way from Belgium) and Jurrien - Etho Bastard - Davison on scene.

Best of all it was wonderful to get some of the Original Crazy Bastards together again. Jim Allen, Bill Jewell, and Tom Hahn, recently returned from a 3-year trip to Mars, on hand to celebrate me getting so old I want to forget. Thanks for making me remember guys!

Here's a short video I shot of the party with the GoPro attached to my head scratcher.

HOLLAND RACE REPORT: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. WELL MAYBE NOT ...

The next morning it was off to the final race of the Kiss Cross Series in Holland, which I guess would be the KissCross Holland Race. The course was designed by the Hupster's and was a great one. It also appeared that there must have been several other Surprise Parties on Saturday Night by the way some of the participants looked. 

Jeff Jacobi was looking sharp Sunday Morning. Dig that helmet Jeff.

The Big Dogs having a chat after the race. They look okay, but is that Chris Boer puking on his front tire in the background?

Yeah, it was Chris Boer hurling on his tubular. Nice to see you Chris!

Even Adam had Crazy Eye after the race from "Party All Night, Race All Day" syndrome.

Craig Geitzen was looking A-Okay after the race, but that's because he's all hopped-up on performance enhancing, Super Energy Food, GEEZ BARS. 

Super-Powerful, Super Energy Food. My only problem Craig, it tasted kind of plasticiky. No wait, I forgot to unwrap it! Yum, love the EPO flavor!

Arrrrrrrrgghgghgghgghhhhh Matey! Cross Racin' Ahoy! Said Mike Seamen after his race. The Pirate of Cross indeed.

Amanda Schapp in cool down, warm down mode after her race. Good to see you Amanda.

Amanda: I've got my eye on you creepy Crazy Bastard Cross guys, my eye on YOU!

Finally, a nice shot by Julie McGraw,  showing me actually running, which you won't see in the next post, as we catch up on the last two weeks races, at the notoriously wonderful and painful, Bad Bad Wolf.

I'll try and catch up tomorrow with another post on the this past weekends Big Bad Wolf race, and then prepare you for the alway hilarious, Michigan State Championship, which I think are being held in Ohio or Indiana this year. I'll keep you posted.