THE ROAD TO DAVISBLURG AND THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS - SOME VIDEOS TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD FOR THE MUD AND THE BLOOD AND THE BEER

Well it may not be mud, but watching Sven churn up deep sand (video below) like it was sugar sprinkled on your Cheerios should get your blood pumping for this coming weekend and the Michigan State Championships in Davisblurg, Michigan. This is video is cut together nicely - not too long, not too short - with a display of some good power work just to show you how awesome these dudes are. And then for the finale, there's the controversial sprint between Pauwels and Nys. Leave a comment - do you think he did 'em dirt or what? Speaking of Dirt, thanks once again to Cycling Dirt for making this available. Also while you're at it, check out some of the hilarious prognostications concerning the Michigan State Championship that are going on on The Michigan Scene. It's been having me laugh so hard I'm blowing cyclocross sized snot blobs all over the computer screen.

Watch more video of European Cyclocross 2011/ 2012 on cyclingdirt.org

Also on Cycling Dirt this week, it's Week 11 of Who's #1 with Colt McElainmicguines .... what's his name. Another crazy Scotsman, whatever. Anyway Who's number One is always funny, and even, sometimes, informative. But who cares? I'm in it for the laughs. Speaking of laughs, anybody ride last night? Wish I had, it was pretty nice here. Anyway, and anyhow, enjoy. And now, back to the gluing and bike stripping and preparing for the weekend.

Watch more video of Who's #1? Cyclocross Rankings 2011/2012 on cyclingdirt.org

HOW MANY MORE HOLLAND RACE PHOTOS DOES THE WORLD REALLY NEED?

While I had promised to post more photos of the Holland Race today by this morning I found there is no need. Indeed, in the past 24-hours there have been more photos posted of this race than any other race in the history of racing -  ever.

In fact there were 100 times more photos taken of the Holland Race in 2011 than were ever taken of this woman, whoever she is, above.

There were also a 1000 times more photos taken of the Holland Race in 2011 than have ever been taken of the Hoover Dam. Ever been to the Hoover Dam Gift Shop? It's awesome, dude.

In fact, in addition to the 100,000 photos shot collectively by Jack Kunnen and Julie McGraw, and everybody else that has a phone with a camera in it, Diane Arbus rose from the dead and shot a few snaps. Here's one of Holland crew preparing the course before the race.

"Har-har-har! Wait til they try to make this turn! They'll be falling ... on their heads!"

"Where do you want this stake? How about on the low-side of the off-camber? That ought to cut it! Har-har-har!"

So, since you can get your H-Photo fix just about anywhere you wander this wonderful web-thing, or even tripping Stephen King-like into the realms of dead photographers, I've decided to post photos that express the flavor  and the feel of the race, while not actually being of the race itself. Let's call it Crazy Bastard Post-Race Expressionism, shall we?

This is what I was listening to for a warm-up. Yeah no wonder I sucked. Imagine having this thing in your head for the first half-lap.

This is what the start line might have looked like before the anybody got muddy. I'm really sorry that I started in the front row, this would have given me a better and made me more motivated to hold that wheel - no doubt.

 

This is what it should have looked like when we hit the muddy field. Yeah people were on their heads! "Wish I'd used the Rhinos" she said. "Glad I wore the tall socks that won't fall down, though!"

After so long in the pain cave this is what it looked like at the finish line. Everybody just threw themselves on the ground and took a deep breath. Right after they threw up.

Back at the Irish Pub in Holland, after the race, waitresses that looked nothing like the German Beer Garten Girls above, offered some sweet deals on beers-and-soup-combos. Right after they got done drinking their own big, big, beers.

While this isn't the Guiness that I drank in Holland that day, it looks just about like it. And it was just as good as this one was. - as I remember it in my Crazy Bastard Post-Race Expressionism haze. Oh to be an artist!

As soon as I was done with my lunch and Guiness (Goodness!) and had shaken a little of the ache from my legs from such a hard-fought mud-fest, I wandered next door to the WORLD'S COOLEST BIKE SHOP for the annual After the HOLLAND AFTER-RACE SALE, which is always great time to buy more bike stuff I don't need. I do it every year. Somebody stop me! Anyway, while it didn't look just like this, I hope this gives you an idea of how excited ever one was about the fantastic deals on hand.

Planning on riding tonight? I hear there's horizontal freezing rain and that the frozen drops will each have a pointed razor blade inside. Sounds great, doesn't it? Check back later and let me know if you want a short ride.

HOLLANDAISE MUD SAUCE RACE. YEAH IT WAS MUDLICIOUS, WASN'T IT?

Just a brief report on the Holland Race today, with a few photos. I'll try to add more tomorrow (I'm having trouble transferring my own to the great Blogging Sausage Maker that spits out these posts).

Great race, wonderful course, and some really nice mud. A big ups to the designers for letting the mud do the work, and not some tricky course. Didn't need it. Two sets of long stairs and over a mile of goo where enough to let you know you had a race.

HOW MUCH IS THAT MUD IN DOLLAR$?

While you might think that racing at home is cheaper, this race proved otherwise. Here's what a day in the mud cost me ... for others it was a helluva lot more - photos tomorrow.

I'm using a photo of Brian Hancock's bike as an example of what the day had wrought; though my bike, and everybody else's bike looked about the same at the end of the day. Let's add up the damage I discovered last night.

Bottom Bracket Bearings: Grinding, gritty shot.

Wheel hub - bearings and freewheel, done.

Jockey Wheels - Finished

Chain - over and out.

White and Red Skin Suit - Stained with some kind of black oily mud (WTF did that come from?)

Other than that it was some kind of fun. Here are just a few photos, that I could grab right now, that show you just how much fun it was:

Another great Julie McGraw Photograph (she has a whole bunch of photos from the race on FaceBook). Here Nate (THE FARMER) Versluis, is imploring his FAT BIKE to get back up on its gargantuan sized wheels and keep on racing. (To which the FAT BIKE replied to the FARMER: "I've fallen and I can't get up!")

Adam McIntrye looking pretty pro as he swoops down from the top of the stadium where more mud was waiting. Why go there? Because it's a stupid cross race, that's why. Adam was racing pretty good until he lost feeling in his hands and feet (and he wasn't the only one). Yes, embrocation is warm, but it's not a fur coat. Or even a fleece jacket. Or lined gloves.

Here's some joker doing some totally f*cked up carry-style I've never seen before. Where did that idiot learn to shoulder a bike? Oh wait, that's me. Yeah I was a little half-hearted, indicated by the half-carry.

Here's where I really excel - I mean I kick ass: it's setting up some sweet Crazy Bastard digs, with a ton of junk, and warming up for like 2 hours while listening to crap Euro Trash muzak. If there was a podium for warming up, I'd be on the top step. More photos and stupid stories about this race, and the upcoming State Championships tomorrow.

LET THERE BE MUD. MAYBE.

Going to Holland this morning? Bring a bucket. A sponge. Some rubber boots. I could be muddy. If not will you help me wash the grandpa van? After all you've brought all that crap.

No for the best Cyclocross Mud Video ever:

****************************BREAKING NEWS!******************************

I’m proud to announce that live web cams are now operational throughout the Crazy Bastard riding area. Approved by our leader (tyrant) Surly Bastard and Funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, the installation is now complete. Surly himself is currently out testing the system.  

Surly Bastard, Class of 1969, voted most likely to cross, cross over, and cross dress.

The go, no-go decision has never been easier; just tune in here for up to the minute weather and road conditions. How awesome is that?

Thank you Surly Bastard! 

Now back to your regular scheduled posts.... 

SATURDAY MORNING - MISSED THE WORLD CUP LIVE FEED? ME TOO. HERE ARE SOME CONSOLATION VIDEOS

I maybe be lazy today, but at least I'm warm in my new Stomach of Anger Hoodie! Man this thing awesome.

So I couldn't get a connection, or get up to the watch the World Cup this morning, which would have been awesome. Yeah I suck. Hopefully Big Mac can fill us in on the what happened and to who. To just pass time until tomorrow's race (I hope) maybe these will do. One of my favorite to start is WHO'S NUMBER ONE? with that Colt Dude from Cycling Dirt. Love the Dog, still undecided on Colt.

Watch more video of Who's #1? Cyclocross Rankings 2011/2012 on cyclingdirt.org

Here's a little 'cross race, somewhere, also found on Cycling Dirt. It looks like a lot of fun, somewhere, that appears to be in a junk yard or an old dirt track race track (guess that's the Ricky Bobby reference). While it looks like a lot of fun I'm thinking I'd want to make sure my tetnus was up to date before I lined up.

Watch more video of Highlighted  Video on cyclingdirt.org

While I have may have missed the live feed of Koksijde this morning (pronounced Cock-Side, insert Beavis and Butthead uhuhuhuh, he said cock-side here), I can always go back and check out this video of last year's Women's World Cup, featuring the total ass-kicking stylings of America's Katie Compton. This year I understand that's she's joined by a host of other American Women that are slaying their way into the top ten, like our friend Amy Dombroski. This starts a little slow and has some pretty weird Euro Music (Like Major Tom as Katie launches through the sand!) but it's fun to watch. Enjoy and sit around guessing which tire is going to be the winner tomorrow in Holland.

SPECIAL BEER QUIZ:

Which tire will be the weapon of choice for tomorrow's race in HOLLAND?

It's gonna rain, snow and then thaw so  it's gonna be ...

MUD TIRES: Limus, Rhino, Michelin Mud 2.

It will be dry as a day at the beach, a little soft but never break the surface so I'll be riding ...

ALL ROUNDER: Griffo, Small Block 8, Hutchison, Flying Doctor, Fangos.

It's going to freeze and never thaw, or there was never any moisture in Holland in this year so it will be riding on green pavement. I'll be sitting on top with file treads running away from all the McFangs in the world ...

SPEED TIRE: Michelin Jet, Ritchie Speed, Grifo XS, 28 Road tires.

Answers must be in today for free beer! Enjoy your Saturday! I'm sure laying on the couch eating leftovers and drinking beer will have you ready to rock tomorrow. Me too ...

BLACK FRIDAY REPORT: RACES ON THE RADAR, RIDLEY LOVE, HATIN' ON SKINNY BIKE DUDES, AND ANOTHER QUIZ

Where will you see the Crazy Bastard Cyclocross flag flying in the next few weeks? Well read on Black Friday dropouts and rejects (hey did you get that flat screen so you can watch Adam's videos in awesome flat screen awesomeness?) Suckers ...

Get ready to make some Noize! The State Championship is coming!

State Championships are just around the corner on December 4th, and I've been getting excited emails and calls and tweets from 'cross crazy people saying they just can't wait to throw down. The push to be in top form, or just not ridiculously fat and slow will probably bring a lot of racers to the KISSCROSS Hollland Race this weekend, as well, this coming Sunday. I just love JB Hancock's report on the Holland Race from a couple of years ago, you can read it on his blog Back To Racing. It was so right on, I had to laugh ...

Remember the Holland Spiral of Death? Some people are still in there. My internal conversation when racing, I mean riding in any S.O.D. is, "so when's this f*king thing over with?"

This is JB in some of that great Holland Mud. I think his comment was, "who knew you could ride so slow?" The first year of the race it was a fantastic muddy foot race.

This will be waiting for you at the State Championship in the first week of December. Don't worry, if it's icy or dangerous, it's a no go and gets pulled. But chances are you'll be giving it a ride. The State Championship is a Tailwind Race and you'll want to check out all the categories and get yourself signed up early.

After Holland and State Championships is life over for hardcore cross fiends? Hell no, it's just getting warmed up with the BIG WOLF CX RACE in Midland on December 11. This thing was a gas last year, featuring another sweet JB course laced with a sandy beach mickey. Whether the weather will make that sand soft or hard is another question. We'll just have to see. Check out the BIG BAD WOLF site and make plans to tear it up.

NOW FOR THE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS PART OF TODAY'S BLACK FRIDAY REPORT

I've always wanted to own a Ridley cross bike. I mean what says cross more the Ridley? Sven Nys maybe, but that's about it. While I have pined away for a Ridley X-Night for years, by stubby legs and stubby budget have prevented me from pulling the trigger and I have had to settle for a bike that's also way too good for me - probably the best bike I've ever owned. But I still wanted that Ridley brand, and the cache of riding the world's number one (perceived) cross bike.

Well this finally did it ...

After seeing Liz Hatch pimping Ridley bikes, hey I'm there. I don't give a shit if it doesn't fit my Hobbit length legs and it costs more than I can afford, I gotta one of these now. Hey, am I being hypnotized by an insidious marketing campaign? Maybe. Who cares. Yeah baby, I dig those manipulated carbon tubes.

WILL THERE BE A CRAZY BASTARD CROSS RACE NEXT YEAR?

Will a Crazy Bastard race look like this? Only if I get the prison release program working. Yeah those will be convicts standing around the course. Instead of hand-ups you'll be getting shanked, or whatever they call that. Anyway it will make you pedal faster.

Maybe. I've been scouting a location and working on securing it for next year. The tough part now will be finding a date. With 3 series now in Michigan it's going to be tough finding and open weekend. I'm hoping it will look something like this, but I think I'm still high from eating too much yesterday.

SPEAKING OF EATING TOO MUCH, DO PRO BIKE DUDES EAT ANYTHING AT ALL?

If you're a skinny bike dude should you ever take your shirt off? I'm guessing that the guy on the right is eating all the dude on the left's food for the last year or so ...

I'm going to give you a good "Schlecking" pretty boy!" Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Here's a couple of pro bike dudes (possibly Andy or Frank Schelck) pillow fighting in a swimming pool, and kicking chlorinated water at each other's ankles. I'll bet that hurts! You know, I think I'd rather be a fat, slow cyclocross dude any day than have negative body fat and pillow fight dudes in a pool. How about another beer and a Turkey Sandwich with mayo right now? Hell yeah ...

Well, we've got our own skinny dude on the team, so I shouldn't be too cruel. He races cross, and he's a real man. Until it gets real cold. Zero body fat my fat ass Slayer!

Yeah the only thing he ate that week (in Ann Arbor) was the lettering out of that pumpkin's face.

NOW FOR THE BLACK FRIDAY QUIZ: BE THE FIRST WITH THE CORRECT, OR NEARLY CORRECT* ANSWER AND WIN A FREE BEER HAND-UP AT THE NEXT RACE!

Who thought there might be sprinkles at the race so she jumped the gun and brought her own sprinkles?

Enjoy your Black Friday, get some new tires, and get ready to rock - there's plenty of race to get' done!

* If you're close to the correct answer, and I don't know what the correct answer really is, like I did in the last quiz, you still win. Yeah this isn't science, kids.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BASTARDS! SPECIAL EDITION & QUIZ

"Second helping? Sure I've got room in here. Bring it!"

Happy Thanksgiving Bastards! Didn't think I'd get a chance to put up a post today, but I got up early and set traps for the neighbors cat (guess what the entree is today!) so while I'm waiting, I thought I had time for a short report.

TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE REPORT

Only three Bastards showed for this ride. Julie aka Tom Boonen's Sister, Ryan Allen, aka Fangs McGee II, and your humble narrator. 

 It was raining. It was cold. It was the day before the day before Thanksgiving. Looks like most of you are planning on Chicken, not Turkey for the Holiday.

In the end, and I mean the end, this is what the ride looked like.

NOW FOR A SPECIAL TURKEY DAY QUIZ:

The Cyclocross Chef of Knowledge has a few questions for you. Be the first with the right answer(s) and you'll win a free beer - somewhere, sometime, at the time and place designated by the staff. (My apologies and thanks to BSYNC for ripping off his Fun Quiz).

Where in the World is this awesome flyover and why can't I have one?

What's missing on Ryan's McFang Bike since its sweet-ass make-over?

Why is this dog wearing a shirt and what does it say on it? And is this a dog or a bear?

 WTF is this dog doing with this big pile of wheels and where are they? Does she looks like she has to true the whole pile?

SPECIAL BONUS QUIZ QUESTION: EXTRA BEER FOR A GOOD, THOUGH NOT CORRECT ANSWER

(with clues)

Who is this dark mystery woman? What is her secret identity?

First clue: she rides in crap weather with no socks.

Final clue: she was separated at birth from her twin sister, on the right, that writes The Michigan Scene Blog.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, I think I just heard a cat get caught in the trap. Now I just have to figure out how long they need to cook!

YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING - FREAK SHOW VIDEO FROM THE SINGLE SPEED WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP AND MUCH MORE!

Want a funny read this morning? Check out The Michigan Scene this morning - "The B Plan." Here's the author. If you don't like the blog, she'll shoot you right after she gets done plucking her eyebrows Apparently. 

What's crazier? The aerial footage of the SSCXWC in SF this past weekend, or the crap those people wear when they race, and the disgusting shit they jump in? Yeah, they're flying the freak flag high, but just try this shit in Michigan, in December, and then tell me what crazy really looks like. Also before you get much further check out today's The Michigan Scene blog. Hilarious shit, plus some tips of the T to some of our own. Well watch this SS goofiness and check out below. You're next in line!

Maybe they're more civilized in Oregon. Anyway it seems like this is where all the mud is - like all the time. Here's what the Oregon State Championship looked like this year. Notice that they don't need to mark the course, you just follow the mud stripe.

Oregon State Championship Video

Now for a "Course Preview" video. I notice these more and more, they're really getting to be the rage. I always love the disembodied and disconnected voice. This one is great because it's so serious - yet you're following a tandem with the Mario Brothers on it.

"... on this turn the radius really tightens up so you'll probably have to enter the turn a few degrees wider so you can just touch the apex ..." 

Yeah, yeah yeah. Someday I want to do a course preview video. It would probably go like this:

"You'll probably come into this turn too hot since you're a complete dumb-fuck and lay the bike down and get run over by that asshole(s) that's always sucking your wheel ..." 

 or 

"...this part of the course is really difficult, so there's a good chance they'll pull it and reroute the course while you're shivering your ass off at the start line ... so be prepared to hit that tree. I think it's a maple."

So follow the Mario Bros as they take you around the course ...

2011 Rockburn Cross Course Preview from In The Crosshairs on Vimeo.

No here's the actual race. It won't take long to figure out that it doesn't look anything like the preview. Maybe it's different because Luigi isn't there, I dunno. Anyway the best part of this video is the fact there are a lot of guys falling down all over the place. Since that's what I've been doing at practically every race, it makes me feel better. Well, except for the big scab on my knee from this weekend.

Rockburn Cross 2011 from In The Crosshairs on Vimeo.

Well I'm planning on one last ride before I call it a Holiday. Whatever Holiday it is, I'm not sure. Anyway it would be good to see some Bastards tonight, riding something slow like this ...

And heading back to the Honey Creek to drink something that looks like this ...

I'll see you Bastards next week. I won't be around Thursday for a ride. I'm going to try and make it back for a race I hear that's happening in Holland this weekend. Maybe I'll see you there. Whatever, have a great Holiday, whatever Holiday it happens to be!

Happy Holidays you @#$#@# Bastards! I'm still waiting for you!

SOA2 & BLOOMER PARK REPORT, CROSS CRIMES AND ONBOARD VIDEOS

Tom Burke showed them how it was done at Bloomer Park this past Sunday. First he accomplished something very few have been able to do this year - beat the unbeatable German, Sven, on Tom's right. The guy on Tom's left in third, oh yeah, I think that's Christian Tanguy, Mountain Bike World Champion or something ... nice day's work Tom, congratulations.

NEW PHOTO JUST IN: Jeff Slaying the course. No one in sight. Just the way the Slayer like it. Photo courtesy of our good friend JB, Brian Hancock. Make sure you check out his race in Midland, the last one in the SOA series.

Speaking of podiums, and podium shots we don't have, Slayer aka Jeff Haney pulled off another spectacular win at Bloomer Park on Sunday in the brutal-ass 45+. Robert W (left) jumped like a beast and built a big gap, Jeff chipped away at for several laps, and then took it back and proceeded to run away with the race. He was sprinting for positions against 35+ racers at the end. He is afterall, the SLAYER!

Robert W, Andy K, and your 45+ winner once again, SLAYYYYYYEEEERRRRR!

More Podium fun was had at Bloomer on Sunday. Watch the video of the Bloomer race and you'll see how Big Mac has a bad start (could it have been Jeff screaming in his face at the line?) and then gets caught behind a crash on top of the crazy wood chip pile, and then comes charging back to take 3rd. One of the most impressive rides of the day.

Adam getting some more podium love on Sunday, at Bloomer Park. Another great race and podium in the Men's Cat 3.

Now here's a sweet video of Big Mac's first lap at Bloomer. Check out the crash on top of the Wood Chip pile. How did they do that? At one point, about halfway through the lap Mac blast by about 5 racers on one straightaway. Coming back from that far back was more than impressive. It was sick. Unfortunately he had no real chance at the leaders. After that first lap crash they were gone!

NOW LET'S BACK UP AND START FROM THE BEGINNING, OKAY? BACK TO SATURDAY'S SOA2

Adam showing some real style, and strong legs, at SOA2 on Saturday. A bad start means nothing to the Honey Bader. He don't give a shit. He just keeps chasing until he's eatin' their goddman asses. That Nastyass Honey Badger. (Photo by Julie McGraw).

The weekend kicked off with the Stomach of Anger Race 2, in Lansing on Saturday. I have to say that the course was much smoother, faster - and best of all an absolute gas to ride and race on. Tom Burke gave everybody a preview of what was to come on the following day, at Bloomer Park, by pulling away from the big boys in the Elite Race and taking the win. Cupcake kicked some ass in the Elite Women's race, as well as Nancy Lange and Sarah McIntyre in the Women's Cat 4 race . It was also great to see Dan McGraw pull out that sweet cross bike of his and ride it in Anger in the big-bad-east. Congrats on two good races Dan. We also appreciate the great photography of Julie McGraw. If you haven't seen her photos all over that thing called Facebook, or visited here website, well we've grabbed a few shots here for your cross porn pleasure.

Dan McGraw coming around a turn at SOA2 in Lansing and looking pretty pro. Dan won the Men's Cat 4 Under 35 and came back from more abuse in the Men's Cat 3 later in the day. Well done Dan, good to see you rocking some 'cross! (Photo Julie McGraw)

THE CROSS CRIME INCRIMINATING VIDEO OF THE WEEK: MEN'S B SOA2 

 After a bad start (the first of two this week - word has it he did it just to spice up the videos) Adam McIntyre, aka Big Mac, or the Doctor, came all the way back and took third. You'll see in the video below that it wasn't easy, working through traffic. About halfway through the race he gets a discouraging hand when trying to make a pass. Congrats to Adam for doing a lot of chasing this weekend and getting onto the podium both days.

Now do the time, and watch the crime. (By the way this was USAC race and hands off the bars is a big no-no FYI. Shoulders and elbows, while the hands are attached to the bars, is A-OKAY!)

Did you watch this video above? It's another reminder that cameras are everywhere today and even if you try to pull some weak shit out in the middle of an abandoned golf course, in the middle of Michigan, there's probably going to be a camera there to catch the dirty deed. I also dug the music. Nice vid, Mac. And another great race!

Other notable and not so criminal sights at the SOA included Sarah McIntyre pulling off another great race after pulling on another one of her very fashionable jerseys. She said this one showed her own "Stomach of Anger!"

Sure she looks sweet and lovely. But on closer examination ....

...each one of those skull and cross-bones on her own "Stomach of Anger" marks another one of the victims she's left for dead out on a cross course. Sure that wasn't Sarah you were trying to passing, Mac?

In closing, a few last shots by Julie McGraw. I like this one because I don't look so fat. Where the hell were you Julie? In a tree?

Or in this one by Julie where I look like I'm actually going somewhere.

But then, in the end, and I mean a big end, there's this shot by Tim Potter. Hey does my ass look fat in this skinsuit? That's not a quiz question by the way.