THURSDAY NIGHT MUDDY BUDDY RIDE 07.28.11

It has been brought to attention that we were going to ride the Bastard Loop tonight, so lets do it! It may be muddy. It may not be muddy. You never know until you roll them-there-wheels out there folks.

We'll meet at the usual-usual Townsend Park, rolling at the usual time of 6 p.m., I think. Let us know if you have time considerations - as in you're going to be f*ing late. See you there.

 Remember this stuff? At least it's warmer brown goo than when this was shot in the winter. Yeah's it's more like poop now.

If you're looking at this end, you're eating mud.

END OF TdF REPORT - WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF SCHLECK YOU'RE OUT OF TOUR

The TdF is finally over, and frankly I don't know how much more of it I could take. Guys yelling at each other, crashing, running out of gas, making stupid excuses about their piss-poor performances ... I thought it was Wednesday night at the G-Way, all over again.

Frandy Schelck: You pull, no you pull. No, wait let the Hobbit pull. He won't? Guess we lost again.

For those of you that didn't buy the extended Versus Tour coverage, which was an additional 99¢ (you can feed your television set by the penny!) I am happy to report that my English Setter actually beat the Frandy Schlecks in the time Trial. How could a fat, lazy, and overly spoiled dog beat a highly tuned Tdf athelete you might ask? Without taking and controlled substances, like a special "Contador Beef Bone?"

First loser - Andy Schelck. My guess is that he didn't know there was a TT until Saturady Morning. Somebody needed to tell him that you use those pointy handle-bars to go faster.

As you can see, below, Betty went all out and left it all out on the road. Maybe even a little poop, but then so did a few other riders.

Only moments after finishing the TT she was still too out of breath to talk to reporters.

Apparently Betty had a Stomach Full Alpo and put big time into the Frandy's. Unfortunately she couldn't get close to the eventual winner Cadel Evans and said in her post race interview, that was okay since the little Aussie is a real dog lover.

I thought it going to be another stupid stuffed Lion. This is AUSSIUM!

Aw, that's okay, just 'cause your not real, you're still a cute one, you are.

Cadel being asked for autograph by another of his fans.

Wrapped in his flag, Cadel celebrates his TdF win.

Wrapped in her blanky Betty celebrates her record breaking TT. Take that Frandy!

NEW TEAM KIT AND BIKES JUST IN - AND ARE THEY HOT!

Here's the new team kit, and our new bikes for 2012. Sure none of you have heard of Stradelli Bikes before, but so what? You've all been kicked off the team and replaced by these gals anyway. I know you you'll understand.



Also stayed tuned for news about cross practices, a Crazy Bastard kick-off event, and more later today, or tomorrow.

Stay cool, and stay safe and out there.

SAD NEWS FROM LOCAL GROUP RIDE LAST NIGHT

Many of you probably know about the tragic cyclist and truck accident last night on the road to Saranac so I'm not going to go into what ride, the reasons why, or who was fault, or the names of those involved. I wasn't there, and it doesn't matter now, and I don't think it's appropriate to try to be a news source here. I do know the guy involved in the crash and have ridden with him several times in the past. A really nice guy. I don't know if that makes this any sadder than it is since I wouldn't wish something like this on my worst enemy.

He's reported to still be in critical condition right now. Let's say a prayer for him and be thankful that even more of our friends weren't involved. Keep us posted if you hear anything - especially if it is good news. The local news tends to drop stories like this after they get their first headlines so we'll probably have to do it ourselves.

While his bike doesn't look good, from reports I received from riders on the scene it was supposedly smashed into little pieces - it just shows you how hard it is know exactly what happened in horrible accidents like this - even it you're there. Let's hope everything and everybody is in better shape than first reported. 

CRAZY ENOUGH TO RIDE TONIGHT?

Remember if you do ride, make sure to bring enough water.

I know, it's late, it's hot, it's maybe too hot, but I was thinking about rolling out to the Game Area for a little mountain biking. Who knows, there may be shade, and it could be cooler. Then again, there might not be any air.

The sand was getting deeper, too, and perhaps I might end up like this ...

Didn't use proper sand and super hot weather technique.

When pedaling through sand keep your weight back, and stay in a big gear. Otherwise you'll lose control of your bike and sink.

If I do make it out, and survive, maybe I'll make a movie about it. If I do, I'll make it like this film which was all about hot riding in the desert - as I recall.

SIDE-BURNS, SNOW CONES AND SPITTING CYCLISTS

Watching the Tour de France? Yeah me, yawn, too. I'm glued to the set (or my face to the drool covered pillow on the couch) snoring away, unless something really good happens like Contador getting dropped, Cav getting his goofy ass beat, or Thor taking the win on a semi-mountain stage, or Jens deciding to stomp the crap out of the peloton, just for the "Jens" of it.

 These are the sideburns that decided not to chase Thomas Voeckler down and give him the Yellow Jersey. Good thinking sideburns. Defend your mouth, not the Yellow Jersey!

Cycling racing fever is taking over this summer (at Grattan the fever has become a near fatal virus) and right in my own backyard, that would be Riverside Park, I found this competitive Ice Cream Bike Racer hard at work "Pedaling" his icy treats. This is the first competitive "Ice Cream Pedaler" I've ever seen. Check out his number! I just wonder if a Creamsicle could be considered a performance enhancing drug? All I can say is bust the piggy bank and grab his wheel - it's going to be a hot one!

Riverside Park this weekend - Ice Cream Racers LOOK OUT! 489 is ready to kick your ass and hand you a Snow Cone as your second place prize. Now that's cool!

I'm personally into the animals on bikes craze that's going around. Climbing these days, I feel like the guy below, though I don't know about hitting the end of the road, or in this case pole. Yeah bear, it's a way down.

Oooo-la-la zis eez zee end oof zee road! Sacra-boo-bear!

Cyclist spitter. I'd like to see you as a 5-button Cardigan.

While this beast above may look nice, and makes a great sweater, I'm not a big fan. They like to spit at you. Especially if you're on a bike. How do I know? There was riding at the G-Way two weeks ago and he spit at me!

I'm thinking cardigan. The perfect sweater for an old Crazy Bastard, you think?

DIRT RIDE REPORT AND DISCOVERING YOUR INNER JENS AND THE RETURN OF THE KILLER CHIHUAHUA

I'm baaaaaaaack! 

This scene from American Flyers is a good recreation of what happened with the Killer Chihuahua last Thursday. Russ played the part of Kostner's brother chased by the dog (I've never seen a man sprint so fast on an SS!) Werdy played the part of Kostner, and I was the rabbit at the side of the road watching it all go down. The German subtitles are for your inner Jens.

I can almost taste the gravel. Ummmy. Lip smackin' good! This is a man with an Inner Jens in him, for sure.

And so it began. Great ride last Thursday on the dirt. No cars. No fuss. No muss. No crashes. Just hard riding, good pals and a few beers later on ... Slayer was literally licking his chops in anticipation. His Inner Jens was already on the way out.

Yes, I think I remember this bike. Soooo sweet ...

Good to see Dan and about 7 other Bastards out to test the gravel. We had Lee, Dan, Mr. Kim Lee, Werdy, Slayer, Russ, Tony, and myself, out for the second spin of the summer on the dirt.

Who is that man? And why is he hammering us? Yeah, it's Jens ...

While it was a beautiful ride, with a sweet even pace that kept it altogether, we had a few good, hard intervals provided by a guy who looked and acted like the man above - Jens V, played by our very own Jeff, Slayer, Haney. That's Jens Haney to you sucker! Well done Jens Haney. 

Who's next? Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

After trying to hold Jens Haney's wheel in deep gravel at 28 mph for a few miles, I started to wondering if he really was related to the other nut-job Jens. If they were related, I wondered, was their REAL FATHER? 

And then suddenly it came to me ... yup, Jens and Slayer can call this guy DAD ...

Maybe that crazy f-ing dog is related to those Bastards, too. Think?

BASTILLE DAY THURSDAY NIGHT BASTARD RIDE

You can have your ride, and eat your cake too, you Bastille Riding Bastards, you.

Excited about Bastille Day Ride tonight? More than this guy, I'll bet. Hey wake up JazzY Jeff!

Last call on the  Bastille Day ride tonight, sounds lie we've got a bunch slated to roll out at 6, at Townsend Park. A regular Jail Break, French-style. Call someone you know if you're running late, we'll wait. How long depends on how much we really, really, like you. If we don't like you we'll probably leave early ... and from an undisclosed location. See you Bastards tonight!

I QUIT! YOU WISH ... (CRAZY BASTARD RIDE THIS THURSDAY)

No, I'm not quitting on cycling, though I'm sure that would really break a lot of hearts, but I do believe, as of 1:30 p.m. today, after a good lunch and a little thought, that I won't being going to Grattan for the rest of the season. Below is just one of the reasons why - this was a long distance shot taken by Julie McGraw. You can see her complete photo stream at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/juliemcgraw/sets/72157627010742357/

UP and at AT 'EM! In the air and going the wrong direction is not a good thing kids.

Why do you ask might someone who hasn't missed a Wednesday night Grattan race for years finally sign-off? (Unless seeing the above close-up wasn't enough!) Because for the last few weeks when I think of Grattan, here's what comes to mind:

The wheel I just ate: tastes like Zipp, but it could be Easton-flavored. Yum!

In case you can't tell this is an X-Ray of a sprinter with his lead-out man's (or one of the young teenagers now recruited as "lead-out fodder" as I like to call those adorable little tykes) with a carbon fiber wheel inserted in his or her face. It's the ultimate in what is known as "sucking wheel."

Crashes, wheelchairs, meat wagons,  vocal recriminations and a total disregard for fellow riders' safety have finally turned the G-Way racing switch to off, for me.

Another sure sign that it's time to hang-up the G-Way race shoes was the introduction of the new G-Way Points Leader jersey:

The new X-Ray Sprinter's Jersey saves time in the ER. And it shows the world what you're full of!

In keeping with the new X-Ray-Race theme the G-Way also has a new vehicle for removing the broken bodies of the sprinters (both A and B) from the finishing straight.

Yeah, that's you fast guy, with bike and body up in the front-loader.

While I could pick away all day on the recklessness of G-Way riders, perhaps the crash-o-rama virus that has infencted the race is  that is "going around." Check out this video of last week's Detroit Criterium Cat 5 sprint finish.

Hey, look-out tent! You're in my way!

For those who like crash photos, there are some spectacular shots online and on FaceBook, of last week's B finish at the G-Way. It looks more like a bicycle "high jumping" competition, than a bike race.

So what's next you might ask after quitting the G-Way? Well how about a long winding road to a fun season of cyclocross? Yeah, that sounds good. To get started on the right (and hopefully unbroken foot) several Bastards are planning to roll out of Townsend at 6 pm tomorrow (Thursday 07.14.11). Come out and join us.

Remember this kind of riding? It's happening tomorrow. Grab your crosser and join us.

Instead of a leader's jersey for tomorrow night's ride, we will be awarding "Leader Shorts" instead for generally good and thoughtful riding. But we are going to stick with the X-Ray theme, just to keep some continuity to our crazy season ...

It says X-Ray. But how come you can't see through 'em?

RACE REPORT: THE RAW AND THE COOKED

Sprint = time to fill'er up!

The phone has been vibrating off the hook today, at least I think it was my phone, with calls concerning the  race at the G-Way last night. While I haven't been able to shed light on the total body count, and extent of the exact injuries, as far as I know the most serious injury was a broken collarbone. Thanks God. It looked much worse. And let's hope that  is the absolute worst of it. As for the quote about filling up the Meatwagon (above) ... not mine ... I overhead this gem issued by a racer while leaving the track last night - a track scattered with bloody bodies and broken bikes at the B-Sprint finale. It looked like a bomb had gone off.

This is the second time, in the last three weeks, that an extra one of these (below) has been called to the G-Way. Two weeks ago a young man suffered a horrifying crash in the A's on the last lap which left him with a broken hip and confined to a wheelchair.

Another one coming to get you. But we hope not.

I could sense that there was going to be some kind of accident on the G-Way last night, sooner or later. I was howling about the sketchy riding all night long, and specifically sharing my opinion on some of the younger riders' mad riding skillz with commentary that sounded a lot like this:

When asked by a father of a son who had raced, and survived the ordeal intact, if he should tell the boy's mother about the race and the accident I suggested this:

"You know that horrible tsunami that hit Japan this year?"

"Yes."

"Well this wasn't as bad."

Just as I was finishing today's post some cycling spam popped up on the computer with this compelling and ployful question:

Hey Surly, 

What makes you EXCITED about your cycling?

What SPECIFICALLY?

Explore your ANSWERS in today's PODCAST and 

unlock unlimited cycling potential for years to come...

Hey online marketing dorks, know what makes me really excited about cycling? 

Getting home in one fucking piece.

HOW I MISSPENT MY SUMMER-BASTARD VACATION

It seem like forever since the last posting. I wish that I could say that I was busy training for the Tour de France, or the Tour de West Side, but I was just working and getting fat behind the computer. Boo-hoo, huh.

While I may have been chained to the computer, I wasn't totally sequestered, and news about the outside world did reach the Bastard Cave-HQ, and so I have some knowledge of what has been happening out there among those still living the "Life."

Oh man, what is there about a TT that doesn't hurt?

I missed more races and TT than ever this year. The question is have I really missed them. Above check out this classic shot of our good friend Tom Link on the line grimacing in expectation of the pain to come - or is it something else? Hey where is that guy's hand?

At least he's in good company ... I guess. This guy looks like he's enjoying Cippo's hand.

Tom Burke - Married Man. And cruise director, apparently.

The other big news in our cycling community has to be the marriage of Tom Burke and Ellie this spring. It looks like "Cruise Director" Tom is approaching married life the same way he approaches cycling training: systematically and scientifically. "Clipboard. Check. Whistle. Check. Stopwatch. Check. Now let's get this marriage in shape!" 

Unfortunately things don't always go according to plan, Tom.

While Tom may think he's laying out a training plan for the marriage to come, he may be in for a big surprise. Yeah it's not a race season Tom, it is a marriage, and you have to duck occassionally since you have decided to marry a woman. I'd go easy on the whistle from the looks of this gal. Congratulations you two lovely kids!

While I may not have been TTing, Road Racing much, or getting married, I have been doing a few mountain bike rides. Below are some photos of a recent adventure where I tried to kill Betty and Cupcake in one short loop of the game area.

Cupcake on a Bastard-style mountain bike adventure

A little crash damage. Thanks for the bike Surly. It sucks.

Cupcake spent so much time in the woods that trees were beginning to grow out of her shoes.

I have made it out to Grattan a few times. Sure people were glad to see me. Yeah they were. Miss those Surly rants, did ya? Well there's always something different out on the track. Just check this out - a man completely encased in performance compression clothing. It's a wonder he can breath, or walk.

 Fast Freddy in full compression mode. Why is he smiling? Doesn't that hurt being squeezed all over?

 Everywhere you look, a Swanzy could be looking back at you.

While I may not have been riding much, I have been eating quite well, and have quaffed a few glasses of fairly good but inexpensive wine in the process. Stopping by Grill 1111111 in Rockford I have had the opportunity to mingle with the S&M Team, who uses Grill 111111111111 for team headquarters.

 An S&M Manager tests a performance enhancing energy drink. Yeah, I like Sangria flavoring too.

The winner! Honey your trophy is so huge!

The Best thing about the Team S&M style is that you can actually win races while eating and drinking in the bar. These are my kind of cyclists! If I didn't have a great team, along with 8 million dollars worth of team kit, I'd join up, fill my water bottle with Sangria, and sprint for appetizers.