WHAT'S WITH THOSE AUSTRALIAN CROC' HUNTING DUDES? ARE THEY UPSIDE DOWN, OR WHAT?

So after all the confusion of the Paris to Ancaster race, which was actually in a country called Canada, and not in France, where it should be, now we have cyclocross season starting in Australia. What the hell? Don't these people know summer is coming? Do we know summer is coming? Come to think of it I'm not too sure, myself. Yeah maybe it is cyclocross season after all. Well dig this, and the crazy Aussie music, and throw another tubular on the barbie, eh mate.

adelaide cyclocross. from Sam Roberts on Vimeo.

CANADIAN SPRING RACING: FUNNY ACCENTS, OUTFITS, AND PROBABLY BACON

While some of you may have thought that the recent Paris to Ancaster race took place in France, well you were wrong. It takes place not too far away, in a place called Canada. Here's a nice video of the event, and it looks pretty cool, if by cool you mean kind of miserable with a lot of mud and suffering. It looks a lot like the Barry Roubaix, or any American race with the Roubaix suffix, except with more mud, crazy outfits, and really weird accents that I can't identify. Make sure you watch this to the end for the interview with Adam Myerson and the crazy people on the Tandem with TT helmets and teal colored skinsuits from the 70's, which apparently (the 70's are still taking place in that place called "Canada.")

2010 MICHIGAN CYCLOCROSS VIDEO

You know I could sit around and cry about the f@#%ing weather, or post some more naked people who may or may not be riding bikes that are so gross you can't say that they aren't safe for the workplace, or I could ... hope for something like this to drop into my lap.

Cyclocross 2011 - Tailwind Series from Jon Coleman on Vimeo.

Thanks to Jon Coleman for posting this up on the CX Magazine Michigan Forum. It's a compilation of races throughout the year, and have a lot of footage from the men's C 40+ and B races. I don't remember all these crashes, but there seem to be a bunch, so enjoy. Nice day to sit inside and watch some sweet racing videos. Enjoy!

CRAZY BASTARD TRAINING CAMP - RIDING BIKES AND TRIPPIN' BALLS

Well it's the "spring training camp" time of year, isn't it? Any team worthy of a logo spattered lycra jersey is going to, coming, planning or at one right now. The only bad place would be right here, and right now, since Mother Nature has taken another big, cold dump on us.

This year local team camps are all over the place. California. Colorado. North Carolina. Florida. Alabama. Traverse City. All of them offer tremendous riding opportunities and monster climbing (except Florida) challenges. Some camps are reporting that they are climbing something like 30,000 feet of elevation a day. And that's without an airplane!

Well I think it's time that the Crazy Bastards plan a training camp, and I think I have found the perfect place for us after catching this video posted by Andrea Tucker on the good old "Cyber Swamp" I like to call FaceBook.

The place is the Burning Man. While it doesn't look like there's any climbing nearby the camp, the fact that it look like everybody is totally "trippin' balls" may create some gigantic mountains in your mind to roll over. Take a look and see if I lie. Plenty of bikes.

I'm not sure if it is a really as hot as it looks, or if everyone is just so fucking high they think it's hot. Either way it looks like my kind of camp. By the way, I don't know about driving there since I'm pretty sure that Burning Man is located on Jupiter. Just remember to bring your coolest goggles.

Here's where I'm planning on having our training camp. It's called Jupiter for those of you that didn't make it past the 6th grade. Who wants to drive? Should we carpool? I hear it's over a 6 hour drive.

There should be plenty of hill climbing available once you've cleared the Burning Man campsite. Unfortunately your tires melt near the summit.

Yo! Paceline to Neptune dude! Grab a wheel.

You'll be riding with people like this (see video too). Best thing about this camp is that you don't have to bring your fancy carbon fiber bike. Looks like you can just pick up a crappy 10 speed on the side of the road, or maybe when we fly by Mars.

Special Crazy Bastard Team Kit is on the way for this very special Training Camp. Sign up for yours now!

After the ride we'll just lounge around, and try to relax. I notice nobody is wearing any compression socks, or anything else for that matter.

Talk about performance enhancing drugs! This what riders roll with at Burning Man! Hey put down the GU shots Martha ...

We're not the first cyclists to use this "trip" concept for training. Here's one of the most famous cyclists in all cycledom showing us his rockin' "been there done it already" style.

And for the trip, I'd like you to meet our new Team Secretary. She'll be handling the logistical stuff.

Yeah, she not only fucking scary looking, she can sing, too. It keeps the spirits up around the campfire at night. Hey, we'll make Smors, okay?

THE STREETZ OF GRAND RAPIDS AND THINGS THAT TRIED TO KILL ME LAST NIGHT

After week riding in Florida, dodging seasoned citizens (successfully) last night I returned to ride the streetz of Grand Rapids, on a Road Bike, for practically the first time this season.

This is always a "magical" moment for me because while I have rolled the streez on 'cross bikes and mountain bikes during the winter, nothing quite gets me into the flow of traffic like riding my road machine. It is also "magical" in the fact that it allows me, switching from a 'cross or mountain bike to the skinny tire road racer, to feel the pleasure of lightweight speed. It also allows to me experience to the difference between riding in another location, other than Grand Rapids for a change.

It's Florida, she's had her left turn signal on for two days, and she's plowing straight into your bike lane!

Sure we all make jokes about Florida drivers, and sometimes its no joke. But the few brushes with death I experienced there (very few) were just the usual: young females texting, guys in trucks that can't wait to go somewhere, and just the strange driver that seemed to be out of touch with the art of driving.

I found a video that seem to match up with what I experienced with this type of out of touch "bad" driver, not only in Florida, but just last night on my way into East Grand Rapids.

This Grandma means business. Could it be that her pet King Charles (dog) was killed by the carbon fiber wheels of a Floridian Tri-Dork who couldn't be bothered to get out of the aerobars and hit the brakes for the poor little thing?

On the way back to Michigan I passed another "Grandma" driver who looked familiar, and strangely enough had Michigan plates on her car.

East Grand Rapids here I come! Is that a key, an Ipod, or texting device in her hand. She looks good - until she gets behind the wheel where you can't see her short skirt.

So while we also make fun of bad Grandma and Granpa driving in Florida, and stereotypical bad drivers, it's not until I get back on to my hometown Steetz that I notice that driving takes a turn from merely "accidently" to just plain mean and "homicidal."

That bump? don't worry kids, it was just some Asshole on bicycle. Sorry did I say Asshole? Shame on me.

Sure, Soccer Moms may have the hands that rocks the cradle, but they also have their hands on the wheels of monster sized SUV's. These drivers are on a mission, and the mission may be to kill you if you don't get the fuck out of their way.

Yes, he's more important than you. And his vehicle is bigger than yours. Well, you don't have a vehicle, actually.

But Soccer Mom's aren't the only one that are deadly out there. Men are just as bad, or worse. The most terrifying moment of the evening was when a black SUV, driven by a man headed into East GR, purposefully pulled up along side of me an then drove me into the curb.

He looked kinda of like this ...

He knows how to kill and he will if given the right road conditions.

One of the top ranked dangerous drivers, which I haven't experienced yet, but I sure I will later this week, is the typical Michigan driver that for some strange reason has a real hate-on for cyclists.

Are they accidental tourists? I think not, they hate you and they are going to run you down. Yessiree, this is what I call PURE MICHIGAN!

Another disturbing element in riding in GR are these giant mobile things that seem intent on crushing anything on two wheel into something that resembles a flattened pop can. I think you know what I'm talking about. They look something like this ...

Look out, BUS, BUS, BUS, BUS!

So my conclusion on riding in this city: GR drivers are a malicious lot and they don't like cyclists on their streets. Every time I hear that bullshit that this is one of the most "Bike Friendly Cities" in the known universe, or whatever, smoke comes out of my Surly ears. Sure we have a lot of people that love to bike here, but the driving public isn't on board yet.

I mean come on, you think that people that drive like this are going to care about you on a bike?

No, your other left Grandma ...

That all said, anybody riding tonight? If it's raining, I may skip it. Post up if you'd like to do some dirt or trails.

GAME AREA MOUNTAIN BIKE CONDITIONS

Luckily I had fitted my 29er with appropriate Sand Tires for the evening's ride.

As I said instead of joining in on the gaiety and fun of an early season road ride, I took the dog for a romp around the State Game area instead. It was the dog's birthday (she's four) and I thought that it would be a nice gift if I took her around the four sections, one for each year of her life.

Poor thing could barely make it back. Happy birthday, Betty!

Anyway I have to say that while I'm not a regular mountain biker, I noticed that the sand, for the early season was pretty deep - usually you don't see this until the end of the season until about 8 million people on Magna's have churned it into a beach. Oh well, lucky I like sand, and have the appropriate tires.

The other thing I really like was the "Patio" section. You know the part where some GENIUS installed all those flat rocks down the hill to recreate the feeling that you're riding in Moab or some other Godforsaken mountain bike mecca. Let me tell you those rocks covered with leaves (no leaves on the Moab rock I believe) are quite charming.

Maybe this year they'll pave the rest of the trail. It will be easier on the dog, at least.

RIDE TONIGHT - AND THE BIRTHDAY GIRL SAGA CONTINUES

The Birthday Girlz together - From a mountain bike ride last year when it was HOT

The Birthday's just keep coming for the girls. Today is Betty's birthday, on the left, above, yesterday it was Cupcake's, on the right above. While we "chippoed" in and got Laura a Cipo-Tiger Man for her birthday, Betty isn't so easy since she can't "Tweet" us with what she wants. I was thinking of taking her for a mountain bike ride tonight, unless some of you Bastards would like to take another roll around Bastard Country with Cross bikes on dirt roads tonight.

Let me know, there's no need to charge lights, so whenever, whatever ...

Wait a minute there's a tweet coming in from the dog ...

I guess this what she wants ...

What a surprise, guess the girls will be fighting like a couple of, uh, girls, of this one ...

Betty says she'll take the third one of the right, the smelliest one.

WISHING CUPCAKE AKA LAURA M A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! IT'S TODAY YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS!

Yeah, it's officially (I think) our own Cupcake's (aka Laura Melendez) birthday today, and though I can't be there in person for the super-official party, I'm picturing the festivities are a lot like this (above) only with some heavy drinking going on while the kids are locked in the basement and screaming for help.

For the record here's a little photo montage of Laura, AKA Cupcake in various biking related photos. The first photo, one above, is the official Cupcake photo that is included in the official Crazy Bastard 2011 Program.

Here's a shot of Cupcake as you probably know her best at cyclocross races. Yeah it's the heckler you love to hate.

Here she is collecting some hardware at a Cross Race somewhere I can't even remember now.

And here she is giving the World Record Pumpkin a big hug. Next to bike racing, cyclocross, and the pursuit of the perfect cupcake, she's also a Giant Pumpkin devotee. Betcha didn't know that, did ya?

One of the best Halloween 'Cross costumes ever was of course her Tiger Suit. After seeing this we knew what would be the perfect gift for her birthday this year ... and no it wasn't another giant pumpkin or even a new Heckle Horn (I think she has a back-up in case the other one melts from her overheated barrage of heckles).

No there was only one thing for Cupcake aka Tiger Lady this year ...

And here ...

He is ...

I can see the two of these tigers riding off into the sunset now, can't you? Happy Birthday to the future Laura Cippo. Ciao Cupcake!

STILL NOT READY FOR THE ROAD SEASON?

Hold your line! Look out! Where did you learn to ride like that? Did you just get that bike today? What, your license says Cat 6?

While I am now in full training mode and should be in great form to stay close enough to the pack to yell and scream at people at Grattan this year, the romance of road racing still eludes me. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to find any performance enhancing meat at Meijer, or because Sheryl Crow has lost interest in the sport, I just don't know. None-the-less I continue to train and acquire the appropriate road racer tan, and plan to participate in the skinny tire season to the best of my ability.

Could this meat make me like Grand Tour faster?

Still, while the road season is young, I'm already asking myself, "is it cross season yet?" It looks like I'm not the only one, either. So I started digging around looking for cross porn. I just picked this video up which is a teaser for a race in somewhere like Switzerland this coming September. As usual it has the same weird Euro-Music bed as well as the tip of the "card" to that old Bob Dylan video. What I really like, besides the cross racing are the use of oomlats. I going to start using them myself. If I can find them on this keyboard.

Trailer Süpercross Baden 2011 from Süpercross Baden on Vimeo.

READY FOR THE ROAD SEASON?

I don't know if I'm ready for the road season (and from the messages I've been getting I know there are a few of you out there that join in that same sentiment), though I find that propelling the road "machine" with its scrawny tire on hard tire configuration much easier than fat tires in deep mud. You know, sometimes I think it's just too damn easy. That's why I've had my mechanical support team create a new "whip" for the road race season. I think you'll agree that this is the ultimate Crit machine, not to mention it's made for Grattan.

Very aero, anyway you look at it.