New YEar's Eve Post - Junkyard Cross

Happy New Year's Eve! Since it's crappy out, on this, the last day of the year, what could be better than a look at one of the crappiest (and I mean that in a good way) cyclocross race. It's junkyard cross. Think I spotted a location nearby that might want to work if we ever want to try something this stupid. First place - a tetanus shot.

New Year's Eve Post

No ride tonight. Boooooo-finnnnng-hoooooo. Hope everyone is having a nice, warm, dry evening. We're all babies, that's what we are. Here's what we should be doing (See video). Matter of fact I'm going to set up some barriers tomorrow and do just this. Check out what happens to poor Sven at the end of the race. Talk about Boo-Hooing - this race went down just a couple of days ago.

Year End Bloopers and Ride Tonight?

Not sure about riding tonight. The rain could be a problem, and with packed ice, turning to slush, well that could be something else to ride. Look for further updates later. Until then, here's some crazy Euro blooper real. Watch the first shot closely. Somehow I missed the "blooper" the first time through.

Mr. 4000

Ladies and Gentlemen - Mr. 4,000 - Steven Buccella

Great ride last night, with 5 Bastards in all - Redline Bastard, Matt ICE-ICE Baby Graves, Larry Big Kahuna, Myself, and the new Mr. 4000 - Steve B. Yeah, it was a moment in history, and if you weren't there you won't be able to tell you grandkids about it. For me, when people ask, when Steve got his 4000 miles for the year, where were you? Well, boys and girls, I know where I was, I was there.

Achievements like rolling 4,000 miles on a bicycle aren't easy. It's kinda of like achievements in baseball, which also love their statistics. One of my favorite is Mr. 3000, about some has-been trying to get 3,000 hits. Steve's 4,000 mile achievement deserves a movie like this, I think. Now who would we get to play Steve?

Second thought. No. We'll let the book come out first and then pick the lead actor later.

There are other great achievement in sports that are all about things like making a long number of consecutive games, hits, or miles. The Pride of the Yankees, a movie about Lou Gehrig's life and achievements as a baseball player was another one.

There was even a great speech by Gary Cooper at the end of the movie that is an all-time classic. It was a lot like the speech that Steve gave at the Creek last night. Only Steve's speech instead of starting out with I'm the "luckiest man in the world," it was more like "Where's my waitress?" Not quite the same, but almost ...

There are other athletes, like Steve, that have rolled up some big numbers. Like the guy above. In his acceptance speech though he'll be saying something like, "that's not mine ..."

Anyway, as I said it was a great ride. A little icy, but I had little difficulty in maintaining grip since I had one of these Bad Boys strapped on the rear. It sure delivers traction, but the weight is something else.

If I keep riding with studded tires (they weight like 50 pounds a piece!) I'm going to end up with legs that look like this by April. Not that I necessarily want legs that look like this. Hell no! 'Cause if you get those big fat, muscly quads, you know what's next?

Yeah, that's right, you gotta start wearing pants like these. "How'd you like a kick in the face from one of these bad boys, huh?

RIDE TONIGHT & HOLIDAY CLEAN UP

I'm planning on riding tonight - 6 p.m. out of Townsend Park, as usual. Thank goodness there is somebody at home to clean up the horrible mess left over from the long holiday weekend while I'm out riding.

I don't know how I'm going to get this all done. Look at this mess! These people are more like dogs than dogs!

I guess there's nothing to do but dig in with all four paws and just do it!

And all while that clown is out riding his stupid bike. Get out of here, clown on his stupid bike, who needs you!?!?

See you Bastards tonight - maybe. Try and leave a comment if you're coming.

WHAT I WAS GOING TO MAKE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS

You may or may not have noticed but I didn't get any of you Bastards anything for Christmas. Since there wasn't a big pile of gifts outside my front door on December 25th, I'm not feeling so bad about my Scroogeness. But it's the thought that counts, right? Well I was thinking of making tubular tires for all of you, but just didn't get around to it - though if I start right now t I just maybe ought to get around to it by something like 2015.

Here are a couple of fascinating, if by fascinating you mean boring videos showing how hand-made tubular tires are made. The first one (sorry about all the Belgian jammering) is about how Dugast tires are made. The last one if how Challenge tires are made. If you have the time to watch both I think you'll be amazed, as I was, that our tubular tires don't cost something like $750.00 a piece, with all the work that goes into them - even in the slightly more automated Challenge process. You'll notice in the Challenge video that some of the factory foot wear is flip-flops with pink kitten socks. I think that is because those tires are made in Thailand and safety regulations appear to be a little more relaxed than in the U.S. Let's hope there are steel toes behind those cute little kitten whiskers.

NEED TO RIDE OFF CHRISTMAS!

Yeah it looks like I ate too much over the holidays once again. Damn. This is going to mean a lot of riding to take this flab off. The only problem is that I'm now so fat I don't have any legs anymore so it's going to be tough getting back on that bike. Hope everyone had a good holiday - and didn't indulge to this disgusting and unbelievable level. BURRRLLLUURRRRP! See you Tuesday - I can't wait to get rolling again. Even if it's just rolling over on my side.

Merry Christmas Bastards!

Merry Christmas everyone! Had a nice ride last night with only a slip - we're hoping the results from that aren't going to be bad - tell you about it later. On last's night ride we had Redline Bastard, Big Kahuna (Larry) Mike V, Matt aka Matt Ice aka "Gravy", Flying Bats, Tom and ?????? Weather was nice, roads were in reasonably good shape and we rolled for about an hour and a half and some 20 miles. Not bad, not bad. Anyway, see you Bastards after the holiday. Enjoy the Santa Ass Beating above. Tis' the season! Grrrrrrr!

RIDE TONIGHT TO END CANADIAN SEAL HUNTING

Not only is this guy a jerky jerk face for being a Canadian Seal Hunter, he is also, thankfully, bad clubber. It looks like he's going to spank the seal - the freakin' sicko.

I don't know anyone who likes, or who isn't sickened by Canadian Seal Hunting, so tonight we're going to ride to end Canadian Seal Hunting by making sure that there is one less Canadian available to go Canadian Seal Hunting. I think you know who I am talking about.

While there are plenty of dot orgs out there that are "working" to end Canadian Harp Seal Slaughter, I think we may be the only club (gang) actively riding to end this horrible practice.

We even have actually Canadians, who were against Seal Hunting before, that are now really, really against Canadian Seal Hunting. See the Canadian above ... She's not looking for Seals, she's looking for Seal Hunters and ready to give them a good shot in the chops, eh!

You can see the transformation she's made since the last ride photo. See the alternative to Baby Seal Hats and Gloves? Wonderful, isn't it? So if you'd like to do your bit, join us on the ride tonight. Same Seal location, same Seal Time. That's 6 p.m. for you Canadians that are still on Candadian Bacon Time.

TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE AND SEAL HUNT

"People don't understand when I tell them 'these rides are so fucking stupid, but they are so nice."

Question: "Do you have studs on that bike?"

Answer: "Just one. Me."

Question: "Did you see a baby seal over there?"

Answer: "You're Canadian, aren't you."

Question: "Do you think my wife will ever see this photo?"

Answer: "You mean your future ex-wife?"

(Please note: no baby seals were harmed on this ride so don't any of you PETA bastards call me!)

The "here we go again" look.

It was a great ride last night. Warmer, nice traction until the bending end, and lot's of wonderful quotations and quips bantered about, as seen above. We had Bob H, Amy, Bob S, Redline Bastard, aka JZ Feff, Craig "Flying Bats" Rawlings, Steve B-Yellow-Redline Bastard," Larry aka Big Kahuna Bastard (hope you're feeling better today Larry) my Surly self, other people I can't talk about, and even fans waiting for us at the Creek.

People also kept saying that some guy named Yoda was on the ride, until I realized they were talking to me (and about me). I think it's the ears. Man, that's cold.

Back to the ride, and the all important part of it: preparation in the car. Here Bob S is doing something to get ready for another challenging Night Winter Ride. What's going on in there Bob?

Hmmm. I'm not quite sure. Something to do with his crotch, apparently. Maybe for the Holiday Season we should call him Bob Crotchet?

Speaking of preparation, Redline Bastard has the game down and prepared for about damn near anything. He's fashioned this rear fender out of KY Jelly, frozen it, and attached it to his seat stay as a fender. Should he need to lubricate anything like a chain, or a waitress, he simply warms it up a little.

The only stud on this bike is me. And my studded tires. Steve B is locked and loaded with these bad boys fore and aft.

Our Canadian friend Amy joined us for the ride. As you can see she's from Canada, home of the snowmobile and the baby seal hunter's club. I don't think that mask is going to disguise you beyond recognition, but nice try.

Here we are off into the dark, cold, and snow. It was a pretty night for a ride - a little snow falling, people singing Christmas Carols, and looking for Baby Seals. I hate those people, I do. But damn those critters make such soft slippers.

Everytime I try to snap a photo is looks like the Return of Tron. No wonder cars stop or drive into the ditch when we approach.

Craig, Flying Bats, looking like he's approaching the summit, the Death Zone, or something else scary. It wasn't as bad as it looks. And I can type okay with just eight fingers. And who needs toes when you've got carbon soled bike shoes?

I think I see a seal! I Think I see a seal!

Amy clearing her lenses. She think she sees the prey at hand, but no luck, Oh Canada, the ride's over.

He escaped! (Furry little Bastard) I think he's laughing at us - that's us back up on the hill, headed to the Creek.

The sure sign of good ride. Oh yeah, it's Guiness my Goodness!

It wasn't long before this boot stomped into the creek. Do I see baby seal blood on the heel? Nope, just taco sauce.

Robin was super happy to see us. And we, as you can see were happy to see her. She's super awesome, she really is.

Almost as awesome as my Guiness, after a cold, but good ride.

Robin was also glad to see Bob and Steve. Apparently she has no idea about that crotch thing Bob has going on. Oh well.

Tuesday Night Bastard Quiz: In the photo above what's going on?

1. Amy is Canadian and she's having difficulty reading this American Menu

2. She reading the menu slowly so Bob H can order.

3. This photo has nothing to do with Amy - It's about Craig:

a. Craig is praying for our disgusting souls

b. Craig is still in character from Halloween when he was dressed as the Pope.

Now it was on with the eating, and more drinking. Bob started with a salad opener.

Amy went with the disgusting Wedge. This is one of the worst looking foods on the planet, isn't it?

Bob H digs into something that someone suggested he eat. If I were him I'd borrow Amy's Seal club and give them a thrashing. Yuck!

If you thought poorly photographed food looked bad when it arrived, check it out after some eating had been committed.

Yummy. I just threw up in my mouth.

I'm looking for my Crazy husband, or something ...

An evening of drinking and dining at the creek just wouldn't be complete without a visit from Swanzee's, would it? Yeah they were there holding down the Creek when we arrived.

A Riccola ad, or is he just glad to see us? Thanks for the deep throat view, George. I'll have nightmares for a week after this.

Our bill for the even, something like $13,825.00. Who's leaving a tip? Sure was fun. Check in Thursday, for more ride information.

The Party's Over - Time to Ride Tuesday Night

Time to ride off some of those holiday party treats and drinks. If I get back from meetings I'll try and make it out to Townsend tonight. Look for later comments to see who's coming, and who's not.

While you're making up your mind, take a look at this video. It's not a recent race, it's just a great cross video - it's an absolute beautiful piece of cinematic art - and it's cross, too. What more could you want?

Enjoy! Maybe we'll se some of you Bastards tonight.

Saturday Morning, USGP from jamie kripke on Vimeo.

CYCLING PARTY REPORT

Oh what fun! There's nothing like a party with all your cycling buddies, is there? Unless it's being trapped in a basement with a guy who calls himself Butterfly Man. This weekend marked another edition of the Fundy-Undy Party sponsored by Priority Health, benefitting Mel Trotter, that draws local cycling illuminaries (and some not so illuminaries) to the cycling get-together of the season. It's a great way to see those people you got so sick of during the cycling season but don't get to see once the riding weather goes away (isn't that the beauty of winter?). You also get to see all your old friends without their cycling costumes on, so you barely know who they are anyway. Oh Joy! It is the Season, isn't it?

You know it's a cycling themed party when you see cool chicks rockin' cycling themed ink. Guess who?

Or moon boots. Somebody from Canada is our guess. What's yours?

Bob, Kim, Amy. The owner of the moon boots isn't in this shot but my guess she's near. Oh Canada!

Here's a good looking couple. They are so good looking they make me sick. Yeah, I'm jealous Nice to see you Mike and Wendy. They celebrated some kind of strange anniversary at this party, but I don't want to talk about it ...

The girls just want to have fun, don't they? Laura, Kim and Shari, rockin' out, apparently.

Good to see Matt Graves. We talked about single-speed conversions. It was boring. You can see Amy Stauffer looking on in the background. "YOU GUYS ARE BORING ..." I think she's saying. Didn't know I could read lips from still photos, did you?

Another lovely couple that I bored the absolute shit out of. I had them running for the doors. Nice to see you Jody and Marcus! You were lucky this time, next time I'll have the doors locked!

Laura, aka Cupcake, aka the Heckler, received a brand new Hecklehorn for Christmas from her devoted fans (along with a ticket to somewhere else). Seems that all that heckling wore the other hecklehorn out completely and she need a new one. It's good for the economy, and good for my motivation. Yeah, I need to be ridiculed to ride better, I do.

It didn't take long for the Hecklehorn to go into action. All that was required: Alcohol and four C batteries. All were available at the bar, apparently.

The man behind the underwear (or in it, or maybe commando, I don't want to know) party, Chuck G - aka Sugah and the Farmer's wife. Chuck is posing I think. He's never that contemplative, is he?

Kaat and Heather. Two of my favorite women on two wheels were at the party. Nice to see you hard riding gals. It's a wonder either one of them could take the time out from their outdoor pursuits to make the party - we're glad they did.

Nate, aka Farmer, seems to be enjoying himself.

Seriously? Seriously. Seriously? Seriously. Are these two enjoying themselves? Probably. They're just talking cycling. Seriously. If you can't tell from my lousy photography that's Fast Freddy and Fast Mike having a chat. Seriously. Way to party guys!

Two more cycling gals, together again. Danielle and Julie. We'll see more of them later. Clue: it won't be their faces we'll be looking at.

After a while you wear a party out. Or you get thrown out. At the end of the night we decided to move the moveable feast to another, more evil place. Here's Rich Heckman (in very fuzzy an disorienting photo) wishing me holiday cheer and a good-bye. Nice to see you too Rich!

Next stop - the Viceroy. A cool cocktail joint, not too far from the original Fundy-Undy location at McFaddens. The place has a certain groove to it, don't you think?

It also has some weird lighting. Here's Shari, the Farmer's wife, enjoying a drink bathed in red light.

Drinks, fun, laughs. We'll maybe just drinks. Cheryl, Kim and Cricket whoopin' it up at the Viceroy.

Now it's time for some serious partying. The Farmer tips it up and knocks it back. The Farmer's wife looks on in horror! (Hey that's not the look of horror, is it?)

She put down the hecklhorn to fuel up for the next round of ridicule and fun. Thatta girl!

Now for our Crazy Bastard Holiday Quiz

WHO BELONGS TO WHICH BUTT?

You know you've had one too many when you start snapping shots of asses. It reminded my of one of my favorite poems:

NICE ASS

SO MUCH GAINED

AND SO MUCH LOST

IN THOSE TWO WORDS

A butt like this could only sit on a bike, right? But what bike? And who does it belong to? We will call this BUTT A.

BUTT B: Another biker butt for sure. Name the cycling she does, mouNtain, road, cross, unicycle, plus her name. We are giving away prizes. Sure we are.

Another butt for your consideration. BUTT C. The type of bike she rides, and what's that strap hanging down:

a: Fetish Whip

b: Camera Strap

c: Parachute

d: The strap to a hecklehorn

BUTT D: You've probably followed this butt around at one time or another. It leads a lot of rides. But if you guess it right, you don't get any prizes, just kicked out of the group for knowing who it belongs to. But for those that want to be expelled from group, here are some clues:

a: It leads a lot of weekend rides

b: It leads Ada Bike Shop rides

c: It's pockets are usually filled with maps

d: It's Jim's butt

Bye-bye Amy, my you're looking blurroooooooreeeeeee....

So that was the party - at least the part of the party I remember. The above photo was the one I took saying good-bye to Amy Stauffer. She looks a little whacked, doesn't she? Hope she made it home okay. And hey... where am I? What are those bars on the windows? Huh ....